Am I being wrong denying my ex-husband access to his son?

SuziQ

I have done a lot of thinking lately and it was my middle ds 16 yrs old who captured the points I had been so missing with contact.He said "Mum,don,t count the number of traffic lights you have to go through on your journey and see if ex is going through same amount,it,s petty and it,s not the issue here".
He wasn,t far wrong there,I had become bogged down with petty issues,this,that,but,well,then,and .....come on I was missing the bigger picture.You have to give a bit to get anything back and I wasn,t giving an inch,I was on my high horse stuck in past playing out same old grievances,it got boring and it was,nt helping my ds.

Wow I,msad-how mature your son is,and it sums the whole issue up and shows us adults up,doesn't it? I think your post should automatically pop up on every post on this issue!

SuziQ

I also want to send a huge hug to everyone stil going through this.

The very sad end to our story over 5 years ago,was that after flouting every contact order my husbands ex moved 300 miles away and the court ruled it could not force her to 'act in the children's best interests and allow contact'. They said the only option would be to jail her and they decided not to-as her new partner was a 'control freak' who was heavy handd and she needed to supervise the children's care! She is supposed to send regular school reports and photos but doesn't,and we have just found out she is moving again without telling him (she doesn't know their oldest at 17 years stays in contact with my DD aged 18 on facebook-and often tentatively asks her if his dad will see him-although she reassures him he would love to,he is so scared of incurring his step-dads wrath that so far he hasn't finalised arrangements.)

I fear for a whole generation of children caught up in all this nonsense. I split with my eldest 2 children's father in 1996,and although he has refused to pay maintenance and was violent towards me back then,I have always allowed as much contact as he will take-he can phone them/see them anytime according to his and the kids commitments and I think that under the circumstances,they have it much easier than many kids (but-and its a HUGE but-I have never had to worry about him abusing,neglecting or letting the kids down-which means it has been EASY for me to allow unlimited contact.)

Summercherry

Hi Dolly

I just wanted to reply because I am in EXACTLY the same position as you only about 5 years down the line. My ex husband is in the navy also and when they say they will stop payments (which my ex has done) they are totally silly because they are in the RN it is really easy to go through CSA and its easy for the CSA to get details from their "employer". I went to the CSA and they told him that he was paying £150 per month too less and that it will come straight out of his wages, he came to his senses pretty quickly and decided to pay me voluntary again.

As for his girlfriend not seeing your son yet I agree totally. I did exactly the same thing and didn't want my son to see her not until they had been together for a while and I said its either that or you don't see him at all. He agreed to eventually because he did want to see his son and I am glad to say that him and his girlfriend are still together 5 years later and that my son met her when they had been seeing each other for about 2 years to which I agreed to.

It is really hard when they are in the RN because they do work alot and very long hours. My ex is away at the moment has been since April and won't be back until December, so I would say that a little understanding is needed on that part but I am sure you are. With that said, he must also understand that when he isn't working that he must get his priorities in order and arrange with you to see his son and that means picking him up from YOU at a suitable time!

We did have alot of arguments and disagreements within the first few years but I am glad to say that we remain loosely friends (to a certain degree!) for my son now that it has all been sorted. I do have alot of sympathy for people in the RN in this situation however don't let him pull the wool over your eyes either!!!

I hope you get it sorted and if you want to PM me for help and advice because I have been where you are then feel free.

((hugs))

belfastgirl23

Just a line to ask if you've thought about having mediation to agree basic principles for how/when access will occur? I think that (in the way of relationship breakdowns) it is very hard for both of you to see what elements are about warring with each other and what elements are about trying to do what's best for your son. EG on the other partners thing, i think you are totally right but perhaps you haven't communicated it properly to your ex - or he hasn't been able to hear you! On the travel situation, perhaps one of you could 'drop off' and the other could return? And you will need to let him know how much notice is practical for an access visit, especially if he is away for long stretches. If you could get these basic principles agreed then it would all be much simpler. And far better for your son.

In the meantime I think it's worth focusing all your conversations on your son ... I know that's probably what is in your mind anyway but sometimes it comes out as your opinion rather than what is best...

And good luck

loftus

Summercherry wrote: »

Hi Dolly

I just wanted to reply because I am in EXACTLY the same position as you only about 5 years down the line. My ex husband is in the navy also and when they say they will stop payments (which my ex has done) they are totally silly because they are in the RN it is really easy to go through CSA and its easy for the CSA to get details from their "employer". I went to the CSA and they told him that he was paying £150 per month too less and that it will come straight out of his wages, he came to his senses pretty quickly and decided to pay me voluntary again.

As for his girlfriend not seeing your son yet I agree totally. I did exactly the same thing and didn't want my son to see her not until they had been together for a while and I said its either that or you don't see him at all. He agreed to eventually because he did want to see his son and I am glad to say that him and his girlfriend are still together 5 years later and that my son met her when they had been seeing each other for about 2 years to which I agreed to.

It is really hard when they are in the RN because they do work alot and very long hours. My ex is away at the moment has been since April and won't be back until December, so I would say that a little understanding is needed on that part but I am sure you are. With that said, he must also understand that when he isn't working that he must get his priorities in order and arrange with you to see his son and that means picking him up from YOU at a suitable time!

We did have alot of arguments and disagreements within the first few years but I am glad to say that we remain loosely friends (to a certain degree!) for my son now that it has all been sorted. I do have alot of sympathy for people in the RN in this situation however don't let him pull the wool over your eyes either!!!

I hope you get it sorted and if you want to PM me for help and advice because I have been where you are then feel free.

((hugs))

I'm sorry - you allowed your son to meet your ex's girlfriend after they had been together 2 years!!!!!!

As a RP would you be sneaking a new partner in and out of the house, or not allowing them into your house, for 2 years before introducing them to your children?

annie_d

I think you should let your son see his dad whenever he can. It doesn't matter that he may or may not have another partner. The more children in your child's like that love him the better. Of course sometimes his dad will let hime down and sometimes you will too. That's life.

I,M_SAD

Dolly 25 I have backed myself into so many situations with my demands,fears,hurt and distorted thinking with ex I am suprised ex ever had the strengh to contact me again.:o

Please don,t think you have burnt your bridges or will lose face and if you do so what.Personally I could not go on being the person I was,as I was fighting the person I wanted in my ds life.Does that make sense??Don,t worry about a girlfriend,she may make the contact easier,I am not being flippant,believe me I had about 30mins of blind panic driving up today about girlfriends,my ds,what he was going to say,but it passed,I got a grip and hey I am not that bad,if ds loves ex,s girlfriend and I make her welcome then it,s another fear faced plus it,s sure going to make my ds ,s time better without a bunny boiler mum chasing his dad and his private life.:jPlus it,s going to make girlfriend feel more at ease knowing she is welcome,and she is allowed an input in ds life.Come on none of us like being ousted or disliked.And all of these things I believe will help my ds be ok with life,accepting of situations,and hopefully not be aggressive with the world as his dad and me have separated.Believe me a fear of an unhappy child is greater than any rules,regulations and loss of face I have done in past.:o

I have apologised to ex today and he won,t allow me too,he is more grateful that he has had contact with his ds than wanting apologies,he is right we don,t need to revisit past but it,s always nice to have an apology I think.I do think I abused my power though with ds,albeit when I was "mad" but things have changed for me lately because I had to make the change:TI don,t want to be a bad mum ultimately and I think,know I took the control too far,when me and ex today met,we had a coffee,and this a man who has,nt seen his ds for 2.5 yrs,he has had him for 5 days,no mean feat,and my ds said to me aged 3yrs not the greatest speech either,"I lvs my dad"and we were both a bit floored but very happy and ds carried on playing,adults don,t cope as well as children but I do have my "rock"my ds aged 16 and he also has an absent dad,as in he has emmigrated,and he is so gentle with me but he loves me even when I am deranged and he is probably only one that can tell me when I am being daft but he does expect me to listen.:oHe says its like a triangle today,you love ds,ds loves you,ex loves ds,ds loves ex,,get over it and build a bridge,and any anxiety I hold,will have in future I will communicate,but you can,t keep doing the past.Some dads aint great,as some mums,I would never want my parenting skills put up to the test for sure,it may sound trite and if I sound flippant I really am not,but I want a dad for ds and I really think with a bit of politeness,no dictating and a bit of respect we will get there,I do trust ex to be a good dad,I just had to get over it.:rolleyes:
Weird thing is when I saw ex and ds playing today and showing off for me,I had never loved my ex as much as today,he had made an effort and I had allowed him to make that effort.Ex was a lot more vunerable than I realised,he did good and I have told him that.:beer:No f*ck up can,t be solved,please face your demons,me and ex have been vile to each other but I am not so stupid to see it was embarrassment,hurt,and loss of control.Don,t sweat the small stuff with ds,it won,t change anything,do the bigger picture.I have taken a long time to get to this phase though,my mum also thinks ds should not have contact,she is afraid,and I understand that,it,s up to me to reassure her,but ds product of me and ex,I was in a bad way when we split up,my mum doesn.t want me going through more hurt,it,s not nice for the parents,but we have to do what,s right for the kiddies.My mum also believes I can,t do no wrong,it aint true in all honesty.:oI don,t mind her loving me,I just think I need to be abit more honest with my life.xxxxx

BernadetteN

Yes you should allow your son to see his dad. Your son's relationship with his parents is far more important than your likes or dislikes towards your sons's dad. The only exceptions I could ever see to a child being denied a relationship with a parent is where there is abuse and there is no mention of abuse in this case.

Bubbles911

pink_princess wrote: »

dolly what you say is true its very hard to take ,another woman around our children and when they come home raving about them it puts a knife through your heart ,but its what we do as mums for our children.
I went through similar years ago and im so glad i just cried at nights and put a brave face on to my girls during the day .What ever you do don t critise your ex no matter how hard ,my girls are 14 and 12 now and have unfortunatley lost their dad .Im so glad i never said any of the things i was feeling .They now tell me that they knew he was a drinker and unsuitable parent .They still don t think that i thought this of him (i do think they know really) .Just come on here and vent when you need to ,its hard when your alone and you think some other woman is in your child s life ,but believe me she wont mean a patch on you to him.
This is also from the other side i have custody of my step son and he idolises him mum.(so he should, she let him live here cause he s a daddy s boy and it kills her .see we have it lucky) .Good luck and keep posting when you need to,there s lots of people to help HTH

Hi

I just wanted to give my opinion on this, but it involves pink princess (hence I quoted her) too and also shows the view of the family from both sides of the parents.

Pink Princesses step son is my nephew. When she originally got together with my brother my nephew lived with his Mum who for a while stopped him seeing his Dad and us. It killed all of us, literally. My brother was a wreck and apparently so was my nephew. His Mum saw this was not right for her child and agreed to access but when my nephew went back to her he was never happy, as pink princess said he is a Daddy’s boy. Pink Princess and her children moved in with my brother then with very little notice my nephew was sent to live with them.

I can totally understand that you are scared incase your ex has a girlfriend that is not, don’t know how to say this, I guess appropriate for your son, after all how many times do you hear about “wicked step mums or dads”, just look at fairy tales for a start! But naturally your husband will be concerned with you bringing a new man in to the house, just look at the Eastenders storyline at the moment! But its not always like that which is why I’m posting.

Turn all of your fears upside down and look at the other alternative. As Pink Princess said my nephew lives with her, the girls and my brother. My nephew was 1 when his parents split up and took it hard, he was a very sensitive kid, he used to tell jokes and if you laughed he would cry! He was very clingy and sensitive. Not any more. I seriously believe Pink Princess and the girls are the best thing that could have happened to him. She isn’t his mum no, and he does worship his mum but Pink Princess still enrich’s his life to a huge extent. He is now a confident, funny, happy boy and thinks he is very lucky because according to him he has 4 houses (pink princess’s, mine, his mums and her mums). It is obvious to see Pink Princess loves my nephew just as much as she loves her girls and she has provided him with so much. And we also love her and her girls in return.

We were doubtful at first about his Mum’s partners, it is a scary thing putting the child you love in to the arms of a stranger to you, even if you are just his aunt but you have to have faith in the parent that they love their child more than anything and would not put them in danger. If you have any reason for doubt then worry but try not to now. I know it must be hard to think of another woman in your childs life playing the role of mum but as I said, turn it on its head and see what positives your child can get from this. I guess in a way its like having a second child, you will not love it in the same way as you love your first, you will love it just as much but in a different way and for different reasons. The same goes for your child, he wont love you any less or her anymore, he will love you both but differently and no one can take away the fact that you are his mum.

From experience I think the worst thing a parent can do is keep them from the other if the absent parent is willing to have access. Not just for the absent parent, but for the child and the surrounding family too. I have a nephew and niece I haven’t seen for over ten years and it still hurts me, not a day goes by when I don’t think about them.

I know it kills my nephews mum to be away from him although she has regular access but I also think she should be very proud of herself for putting her child first. There were a lot of teething problems at the beginning as you would expect but they got there and the result is a completely amazing child who is secure in how much he is loved.

I hope this helps somewhat and Pink Princess I hope you don’t mind me mentioning this on here, I know we (parents and I) never said it before but you and the girls really are the best thing to happen to S&A.

pink_princess

thanx bubbles ,you just made me cry.x