Am I being wrong denying my ex-husband access to his son?

dolly25_2

I'd really like people's opinions on this if possible.....

My ex-husband and I split up 2 years ago but were on and off up until about 8 months ago and divorced 2 months ago. We have a five year old son together. My ex-husband is in the Navy and due to a combination of circumstances i.e. sometimes being at sea and others that i'll mention in a minute he has seen his son approx 4 times in the last 3 months. Incidentally, he had 2 weeks leave recently and only phoned once on the 10th day to ask if he could have him but I'd already made plans.

Admittedly, he has asked me on about 3 occasions over the past 3 weeks if he can see his son. The first time he asked, I asked him if he would be coming to pick him up. He said that i had to drop him over- a journey of approx 5 miles. Neither of us drives, me for medical reasons, my ex-husband because he is a twice convicted drink driver. He told me that I should get my mum to do it. I said that she was not a taxi service so he said that if i did not bring our son over then he would stop my maintenance- which he has. I have now contacted the CSA.

The other 2 times, he said that he would be bringing his new girlfriend along- someone who i haven't met. He has been seeing her for only 2 months and I don't think it appropriate that our son is introduced to some woman who my ex-husband may only go out with for a few months and then dump. I say this because the last woman my ex went out with (at the same time as we were trying to get back together) our son was introduced to and then sworn to secrecy. He was most upset. I don't have a problem with our son seeing his dad with another woman, i just want to be sure that the relationship is for keeps. I also can't understand why my ex doesn't want quality alone time with a son he hasn't seen for so long.

Some of you may just think that i'm jealous that my ex has a new gf. That couldn't be further from the truth. I just want the best for my son.

Sorry for the long post by the way!!

leyla-aurelia

Don't know if I have any useful advice but (((hugs))) for you. I think I'd play it by ear--dealing with each situation as it arises, as you have been so far, and only inform your son of visits once they're confirmed.

I think that you may regret a total ban, (if you go for that,) in years to come, 5 year olds get older, and he may resent you for it. Plus he will be able to cope with dad's 'friends' when he's a teenager, and make up his own mind about seeing dad or not.

VfM4meplse

I think a locally-imposed "total ban" can be easily challenged in court and would not be viewed favourably. I would suggest you agree a regular slot (eg Saturday every other week) and if your ex can't make it for whatever reason this is his problem. You can't ban contact with the new GF, what it does demonstrate is you ex's insensitivity and the fact that the new GF has equal priority to his time as his son.

Review the visits after each with your son (ask how the visit went, but don't go hunting for evidence to malign) and keep a record of everything. If your son isn't enjoying the access visits I'm sure you will find out sooner rather than later at which point you renegotiate with your ex to ensure that the visits benefit both father and son.

Good luck!

dolly25_2

I've been keeping records of our conversations for several months now and some of the things that my ex have said to me have been vile. He has let my son down in the past when he has had him for visits and my son's behaviour always used to seem worse when he came back from a visit.

I do really want them to spend time together but I want my ex-husband to take my wishes into consideration and understand that I just want the best for our son. When I was seeing someone recently for about 6 weeks, he didn't come anywhere near my son. I wanted to wait to see if it would last. It didn't so I obviously made the right decision. I just want my son to have consistency and my ex cant understand that.He seems to think that I'm just being deliberately obstructive.

He claims to have been to a solicitor and says that I should wait for a solicitors letter. However, this is from a man who would try and convince you that black was white so I'm not holding my breath lol!!

pink_princess

i would second what VfM4meplse said the worst thing you can do is stop contact.Any court will rule in his favour as soon as you do this.The only time you can is if you believe your child is at risk of harm.
Your son as he grows up will hold it over you if you stop contact ,they don t see your trying to protect them they just see the fact you prevented them from time with the nrp.
I would tell him in writting that his day and time to see his child is say saturday 11-5 and that he is responsible for collection and return of his son ,then leave the ball in his court so to speak.
Every-time he lets your child down(i hope not) the child feels this and slowly over the years they get to know who s really there for them .Don t say any-thing bad about your ex within a ten mile radius of your son as they internalise things and think you don t like part of them either.Just keep being there for him and let the ex make his own parenting errors (we all do) good luck and let us know how things pan out.

loftus

With respect, who are you to judge the validity of your ex's GF's? How long does he have to be going out with a GF for it to be reasonable for him to introduce her to your "ie yours and his" son?
And the right of access is the right of the child to have access to his father.
I'm sorry I think you are being unreasonable, particularly as the fathers job obviously means he will be away for long periods.
Where your ex is being unreasonable is in expecting you or your mother to facilitate his access. He has a responsibility towards you all in that regard despite his circumstances.

Bitsy_Beans

As much as your ex sounds like a twit (re the maintenance because you didn't make your mum take him over - what a prat!) I think to stop your son seeing him completely is only going to cause you problems in the long run. However scheduled visits sound fine and if he wants to see his son then he will have to make arrangements to have him collected. As for his GF - there isn't much you can do. If his dad is happy to introduce his GF then I guess I'd go with the flow. given the infrequent visits your son isn't likely to form any serious attachments so at 5 years old I doubt he's that interested in who his dad is dating.

rchddap1

I think its fair enough about the 'taxi service' thing. My partner has 2 kids that at one point lived 100 miles from us. Every other weekend we'd drive down to see them. For only 5 miles if we didn't have transport he'd beg or borrow a bike to see them and then walk around with them.

If he can't drive could he get a bus and spend the day in your area? There is always a way. It all depend on how important it is to dad and how important it is to son. Perhaps he gets the bus to collect, and you get the bus to collect him.

However, if he's a convicted drink driver (more than once) seriously consider if you want to get into the situation where he has his license back and is driving dropping off and picking up your son. Personally I'd be wary and possibly would prefer to organise the delivering, or meeting somewhere. I'm not saying he would, but this way you could be 100% sure.

Maintenance isn't dependent upon seeing the child. Its his responsibility as he fathered the child in the first place. Sounds like he's trying to use the boy as a bargaining chip. CSA is exactly the right move. Is he trying to force you to deliver him so he can see his son? Or is he trying to find an excuse to cut ties? Only you can judge that one.

As for the girl friend thing....at one point I was just a girl friend. My partner's daughter wan't much older than your son, but he introduced us within a few dates. Yes our relationship has lasted, but without knowing the people concerned you may have to trust your instincts, and possibly your ex.

If you get a boyfriend will you stop him coming round your house? Will you not talk about him when your son is around? Will you stop him dropping you off at your house, or anywhere your son might see him until you're sure that he's a permanent feature? Just trying to put some thoughts in your head. Perhaps you could suggest a picnic....or trip to the park where you could meet her with your son to make sure that she's ok.

Your ex didn't know that when he called you'd got something arranged. Just bad luck. Wouldn't it be better to sort out something permanent....eg, you have him on this day, or that day. It sets up some routine and makes things easier.

I'd also agree with the no total ban. If he is a bad dad then its your son's right to work this out for himself. Like it or not half of your son is your ex. Sometimes to better understand ourselves we need to understand our parents. Its like asking one of us to chop off an arm....it doesn't matter if that arm is withered and useless, we simply can't do it.

If your son doesn't want to see him then that's different. What does he want?

Play things by ear....but remember your son didn't break up with his Dad. This isn't his fault. At times if felt like my partner's ex was trying to put their daughter in the middle, but it takes two to tango. Rising to your ex's bait will only make things worse. Stay calm, think logically and try to work through things with your ex.

I'm sure you'll find a way.

stef240377

If this was to go to court you could be asked to make arrangements to meet half way if neither of you drive so your ex can see your son because it can be seen as you trying to obstruct your ex seeing the boy if you refuse.

As your ex now has a new partner it is acceptable for you to request any meetings/arrangements made for father and son to spend time together be just that, it is too much strain for a 5yo to see a parent with a new partner and from the sounds of it father needs some bonding time with child. Atleast in the short term.

As others have mentioned draw up a regular contact arrangement be it weekly or fortnightly. for every time an excuse is made to not see your son make a note of the reason and how much notice you were given, if you do this without going to the court should you ever need to use a solicitor you will have evidence to hand that your son has been let down on more than one occassion and therefore would not be looked on it a very good light. If it was to get to an extreme where contact was proven to be more detrimental to your son than no contact at all you will be able to say at least you gave it a try and will be prepared to wait until your son is old enough to try contact again in his own time without pressure.

fannyannie_2

I have a similar situation with my ex. He doesnt see our son from one year to the next and picks him up whenever he feels like it. He used to ask me why his daddy doesnt love him anymore and it broke my heart hearing him say that. I would never stop him from seeing him though, and believe me i have thought about it!

I think over the years they make up their own mind. My son is getting older now and is not interested in his dad anymore. I know i'm not making much sense here but basically he knows which side his bread is buttered on and thats in no way influenced by me or my partner.

I understand what your saying about the girlfriend. He has a new girlfriend and they have a son together. We havent actually said its his girlfriend but ds isnt stupid and i think he knows. We have decided that ds shouldnt know about his half brother untill he's older, he's doing to well at school and stuff and i dont want to jeopardise that and his dad agrees. He hasnt made the connection yet, but when he does i will be open and honest about it.

I agree with setting a day and time and if he does let him down just be honest with him.

Hope this has helped x

281273

I think you are completely right about not involving the new girlfriend in your son's life.

Regarding contact, if there is a local contact centre where you live perhaps you could use that for drop offs and pick ups. That way there would be no confusion of you having to go to your exs house or vice versa.

My son wasnt even born when my first marriage broke up, but i tried to keep contact going between father and son. My son was introduced to his dad's new girlfriend when he was 2 days old. He brough her to the hospital, which was wierd. But when i got home from hospital see had moved into our house. Even after all that i still thought for my son i should try to stay amicable. I organised the contact centre for him and his mother but they never turned up and he has now given up parental responsibility to my now husband. I was on my own for 6 years till my son found my second husband (he was one of the leaders at beavers). My son asked 2nd husband to be his dad.

Im glad that i tried my best to keep contact up between as my son now calls him his bio dad. Ive kept all the court and divorce papers to show him when he is older, he is 12 now.

It sounds like he is tryin to be awkward with you and rile you up too by saying he wants to see your son but you have to agree to his terms. The best approach is to be extra nice with him. It throws them, and the he might get board and settle into the routine.