Sons relationship at an end. Mother trying to keep out of it!

Mrs_pbradley936

kawasaki_dave wrote: »

Being the DS in question, I've read this thread a couple of times and wondered how to respond, or even if I should.

The full story is far too long to go in to and would take pages.

All I can say, is I do know how lucky I am to have my mum - even when she's the last person in the world I want to talk to, I know I can, and that means so much.

The other thing, is whatever messages are being sent, mixed or otherwise, my (ex)partner was "the one", and while I know time is a healer and all that, sometimes pain can't be healed.

I just wanted to wish you well. I think you should allow yourself to grieve for a while because you have been through an emotional trauma and you cannot just bury it even if you wanted to and tried your hardest. However I also think that you must try and muster a bit more self esteem and I personally would have nothing more to do with her. I would get a new SIM for my phone and refuse to take the call if she phoned on a land line. I would not be emotionally blackmailed via the children either - but I can be distant and not everyone can. BUT they can for the sake of their own sanity appear to be, she is being unkind by not letting your emotional wounds heal and so you must be the one to sever all ties. That way you will still hurt but the healing process can begin - it cannot begin if you are having your hopes raised and then dashed by someone who is quite frankly unworthy of your devotion.

neverdespairgirl

sparrer wrote: »

Believe me, they don't get smothered...I can be a bit of a haridan when I need to, but what is so rewarding is they always get in touch or come back when there's a problem.

Hope you have a wonderful break.

My mother has a keyring for her car keys which says, "money isn't everything, but it keeps the kids in touch"

sparrer

Just a brief update on DS's situation. He's still pining for the woman, still trying to make some sense of her anger/aggression, yet still bending over backwards to do all he can for her and her children. She's almost homeless and he's running around trying to find her a property to rent, takes the boy to football in the hope he can have continued contact when he admits deep down he knows that's not going to happen long term, agrees with everything she wants at emotional and financial cost to himself.

He's now diagnosed with depression, on meds (which I personally don't agree with, but...) went back to work on Monday but didn't make a full week, the anti depressant he took on Thursday evening caused him to sleep until after 10am on Friday. How I hate GPs who dish these things out like sweets. He's still seeing the works counsellor thank goodness, she seems to be talking common sense (not that she does much talking, she's doing her job in letting him do that).

It's all getting a bit of a mess really...I can only sit here and answer the phone to him 3/4 times a day, and God forgive me I lost my temper this week and told him I was sick of hearing her name, I only care about him and don't give a damn what she does, told him I think he should start living for himself, get a life away from her, and for goodnes' sake come back to where he has family who actually care about him. Could have bitten my tongue off as soon as it was all out, I'm useless to him like that.

Oddly enough when he was here for a week or so after the initial break-up he started to go out, went to visit his sister most evenings, went to see his old Army Cadet mates etc. Now he’s back in Lancs he’s doing little but sitting in his room thinking up ways he can please her.

I so want to go up there and bring him home! The expression is so true ‘When they’re little they makes your arms ache, when they’re grown they make your heat ache’…

poet123

As the mother of grown up sons I can feel your pain. When they were small you could cuddle them and make the hurt go away,when they are grown up it is not so easy. My elsest son has suffered a couple of setbacks recently and it is difficult to know how to help,so all you can do is let them know you are there for them. But we are only human and when you see them embark on a course of action you can see is not right, sometimes you can't bite your tongue and so say things you later regret. I know, I have been there!

Take care of yourself too,it is easy to forget that this kind of stress affects you too and you need totry to let it go and relax so that you can be there for him again when the next issue arises.

I hope you manage to work it out.

Oldernotwiser

Actually, you might be more use to him by giving him this sort of jolt rather than being all "there, there" all the time. Sometimes astringency can be effective where sympathy fails.

Don't knock anti depressants (certainly not to him); many people have found them a lifeline, although they usually take a few weeks to kick in. Are you sure he wasn't prescribed tranquillizers as they're a very different kettle of fish.

Mely

Anti depressants really and truly can be a saviour. I dont understand how your son was knocked out after taking some the previous night though as they usually take 6 weeks to get into the system fully (sorry if im wrong!). Could he have taken the diazepam by mistake?
Good luck to you both, and the young lady whos having problems with hubby xxxxx

Errata

Some anti depressants do 'knock' some people out when they first start taking them but it usually eases after a few days. Some have a greater sedative effect than others. If your son feels he can't tolerate the one he's on he can talk to his GP about the side effects he's experiencing and the GP may change the med to one that suits him better.
Sometimes 2 or 3 different ones need to be tried before the most suitable one is arrived at. Most take about 3 weeks to become fully effective and usually GP's want to see the patient again at the end of the first month to check how they're doing.

sparrer

Errata wrote: »

Some anti depressants do 'knock' some people out when they first start taking them but it usually eases after a few days. Some have a greater sedative effect than others. If your son feels he can't tolerate the one he's on he can talk to his GP about the side effects he's experiencing and the GP may change the med to one that suits him better.
Sometimes 2 or 3 different ones need to be tried before the most suitable one is arrived at. Most take about 3 weeks to become fully effective and usually GP's want to see the patient again at the end of the first month to check how they're doing.

That's exactly what happened Errata, he took an anti depressant (not sure what he's been prescribed, but he didn't take Valium by mistake Oldernotwiser as he has no more of those) and was knocked for six. He will go back to the GP, who in the meantime has told him more or less what you said...he wants to see him in 3 weeks. I know he probably needs to try something else, I'm not knocking the meds, just going on my own experience - after my marriage broke down I was prescibed anti-depressants many, many years ago. I took one and didn't wake up til 2pm the next day, meanwhile I had two little DD's then aged 3 and 6 waiting to go to school. I threw the rest down the loo, the risk was too great.

Thanks to everyone for your continued support, means a lot to know that folks out there care. Re caring for myself poet123 we do tend to let ourselves go cos the kids are priority. I'm okay though, ta

Errata

I know he probably needs to try something else, I'm not knocking the meds, just going on my own experience - after my marriage broke down I was prescibed anti-depressants many, many years ago.

Things may improve and the side effects may subside over the next few weeks, judgement about which med will be most appropriate is best left to him and his GP. Anti depressant medication is changing and improving all the time, your experience happened many years ago and may not be relevant to modern drugs.