Sons relationship at an end. Mother trying to keep out of it!

sparrer

Big dilemma as I really don’t want to be the interfering mother here. My DS (26) moved in with his partner (28) and her children just over a year ago after knowing her for about 18 months. Now they’ve parted he’s come to stay with me until he sorts out what he wants to do. Trouble is he’s still totally besotted, and utterly devastated. He can’t let go, sends her texts and phones her constantly when she’s asked for some space to sort out her own life. A bit unfairly imho she changed the locks on the front door of their jointly rented house but lets him in and allows him to sleep on the sofa giving him very mixed messages. I understand she doesn’t want him any more (she already has someone else in her life) but apparently told DS she still loves him, kissed and hugged him when he saw her at the weekend. I believe she’s trying to let him down gently but it’s giving him false hope, it would be better if she made it quick and complete rather than keep promising to phone him, or let him speak with the children. Then when she doesn’t call he sinks even lower.

Obviously I’m only hearing one side of the story but he’s a mess. Yesterday I got him to see my GP who’s given him a light (2mg) scrip for Diazepam but he hasn’t calmed down yet and wants to rush back to see her today. He and her oldest boy are very close I believe, and he feels he’s lost a ‘son’ as well leaving him nothing to live for. Last night he was talking about doing ‘something stupid’ and was just in the frame of mind to do so but I managed to defuse the situation. I know people who talk about it rarely do it but it’s scary just the same. (Admit I got a bit cross when he said that, told him not to be so selfish and not to do it in my house!).

I can’t speak to her as it's not my place to and I don’t really know her, just met briefly last Christmas and had little or no contact with her since. I know she’s an avid MSE fan, I’m half hoping she’ll see this and do what I hope she will..tell him honestly that it’s over as it’s killing me seeing DS like this.

Sorry it’s so long and tedious, I’ve been awake worrying about it all night (it’s what we do, it’s in the parent’s job description) and really needed to get it off my chest. I’m sure I’ll feel better now!

Paparika

It's horrible to see your children go through this, not there yet, mine is too young.

Your being a supporting mum and thats brilliant, he knows he can talk to you.

Time is the healer, old but true, but no one believes you at the time.

Hopefully she will read this and see it's her, and perhaps realise she needs to be firm and do something about it.

fluffyb

Oh, bless you!

I can't give any advice to you, but I do know exactly how you feel.

My 27 yr old split with his g/f of 7 years 2.5 years ago and even though it was mutual [it wasn't going anywhere] he was still devastated and as a Mum it really breaks your heart to watch them suffering doesn't it?

He even took a few days off work and was in a bad way for a while. He then gradually started going out with his mates and spent a year being single before starting to see someone else. She was someone he already knew, and she has made him very happy. 16 months after going out together they moved into their first flat a few weeks ago,which they have a mortgage on so that makes me feel there is a lot of intention on both their parts to stick together as they had a lot of trouble getting a mortgage in todays climate .

Just letting you know I know how you feel and that he WILL get through it. All us Mums can do is be there for them, support them, and keep a close eye on them. I went as far as hiding any medicines 'just in case'

Take care - it will get better given time xx

pickle

"Last night he was talking about doing ‘something stupid’"
please keep a careful eye on him as people who do take their own lives often talk about it to other people beforehand. Perhaps he needs some counselling to help him come to terms with it. Tell him if he's thinking of doing anything stupid to agree to at least talk to you first so that you can try and help him and that you'd be devastated if he did anything like that. That way he has to think about the effect on you. I agree that his ex-partner needs to cleanly end it but perhaps she senses that he is vulnerable and is worried for him.

sparrer

Thank you everyone for your replies and concern :A . I’m sorry I didn’t get back yesterday as it was then that the storm broke. The partner said he could see the children if he went back but not stay at the house. Then she said the children didn’t want to see him, and she’s called the agency giving up her share of the lease (we’ve since heard she hasn’t been in touch, the agent says she can’t do that anyway under the terms of their lease) and cancelling all utilities. It’s now all very messy indeed and I am getting angry – no, I am b****y furious :mad: with her and her mind games. She's sending contradictory text messages several times a day..reading them I'm seriously beginning to think the female has a screw loose :doh:. Yesterday DS was punching the pillow and begging me to take the pain away. He cried like a baby, I’ve never seen him lose his equilibrium before so it was heart-rending. (He did raise a corner of a smile later when I told him it was a memory pillow and it would get it’s own back in the night ).

His employers are a great help, allowing time off and now putting him in touch with a counsellor at their expense. They’ve told him if he wants to stay in this part of the country (Beds) they’d arrange a transfer for him asap, or support him if he goes back (to Lancs) :T .

He’s going back on Sunday as he knows he needs to get back to work. Trouble is I’m taking my own Mum away for the week on Mon and won’t be around for him. Oh, I know he has to stand on his own two feet, he’s a big boy and all that, but still my DS !

I did make sure no meds were lying around – I only have ibuprofen in the house anyway but better safe than sorry. I don’t think he’ll do ‘anything stupid’, he’s talking about going back for football coaching – he coaches two junior teams – and phoned his colleagues today to say he’ll be there for Sunday’s match.


Thank you again for letting me let off steam. Thank goodness for MSE and it’s diverse forums, what a blessing it is :A

Sparrer

sarymclary

Hi Sparrer,

It sounds like you DS is beginning to pick up the threads of his old life again, and moving a little bit forward now thankfully. It will do him good to get himself back in there with his colleagues at work, and with his social groups too.

I am sure your son's friends will just reiterate a lot of what you have noticed about his ex, and he will slowly come to realise that she clearly wasn't right for him, or 'the one'.

It is not nice to see anyone we love being hurt, and so difficult to try to stay objective and supportive, when all you want to do is take their pain away, or go tell whoever is causing the problem to butt out or else!

If you have a mobile phone, is there a way you can text your son during your week away to say hello, and let him know that you're thinking of him? I was able to text/call my sister in Spain this year, so if you're in UK or Europe it might be possible? If this isn't possible, why not find a thoughtful or inspirational card (or write your own encouraging words) from a shop that you could post to him as you're about to go away, and he'll get it during that week away. It might be the right sort of pick up he needs. I've done this with a friend who was very down after a relationship break-up, and I know it did her the world of good.

sparrer

Thanks sarymclary, I'll be in Devon (on a Sun £9.50 hol ) so can text DS from there. I like the idea of the card too, or can pen a few lines as I'm a bit of a (very amateur) poet...I'll send it to my house as he's now said he's not going back after all :T . I'm secretly very pleased. He's been invited by DD - his sister who lives near me - to spend some time with them, and she and DSiL won't let him mope;) . In fact she's told him ne has to drive to dog shows next week! She has lupus and having a flare just now so he's going to chauffeur, even though he hates small dogs and calls DD's ones German Schitz :rotfl:

He also went to watch his nephew train this evening and has been invited to help coach a team next week - as you said it looks like he's beginning to pick up the pieces even if not in the way I first thought.

Tomorrow he's contacting the counselling service to arrange something in this area, and his boss to see if he can get a transfer.

One door closes and another opens as they say. Keeping my fingers crossed that he can shut the door on that episode now and move forward with the support of his family/friends/colleagues.

Again thank you very much to posters for your support, and to MSE for the time I've been allowed to get all this off my chest

richardw

sparrer wrote: »

My DS (26) moved in with his partner (28) and her children

He is young enough to get over this and find somone else.

specialK

He will be fine as he has the love of his Mother! I think you would worry more if he took to the split like a duck to water. This only proves that you have done an excellent job, in making him feel comfortable enough to express his emotions around you.

You go and enjoy your well deserved holiday and leave your DD to entertain him. It's best he is busy now and he would want you to enjoy yourself.

sparrer

richardw wrote: »

He is young enough to get over this and find somone else.

I agree he is richardw, but a Mum is very protective of her chicks and would do anything to take the hurt for them. Finding someone else is the last thing on his mind right now! But thank goodness he can start a new life in whatever way he chooses

sparrer

specialK wrote: »

He will be fine as he has the love of his Mother! I think you would worry more if he took to the split like a duck to water. This only proves that you have done an excellent job, in making him feel comfortable enough to express his emotions around you.

You go and enjoy your well deserved holiday and leave your DD to entertain him. It's best he is busy now and he would want you to enjoy yourself.

That's a lovely thing to say specialK, thank you :A Sometimes we don't appear, outwardly, to be a vey close family as we mostly live in different areas but in crises we do pull together and support each other.

When the children were young we would sit around the table after Sunday dinner and starting with the oldest (Dad) would ask each person what issues they had. Usually for the children it was pocket money ...until they got older of course then it was boy/girl friends, clubs, school etc etc. I'm sure it helps a family understand each other a little bit more.

Taking it back even further I confess to even having pushchairs where baby faced me so we could chatter as we walked - I got some strange looks because I was talking to my child :eek: !

I will enjoy the break, knowing my DD and DS are there for each other makes it easier and I'll no doubt come back with a clearer mind. And of course it's going to please the Mother, she's 87 and loves Devon so it'll keep her sweet too :rolleyes:.