Am I selfish? And thats not the only thing...

Mrs_Ryan

Hi everyone,

I really hope that someone can help me out because I have a couple of issues churning me up at the mo.... one of them is actually to do with money the other isnt, so apologies if its in the wrong place....

1st.
I was diagnosed with Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome (PCOS) when I was 22. It was first discovered when I was 17 but I was repeatedly told for years there was nothing wrong with me, I was imagining it and if I lost weight I would get pregnant straight away! This was after positive blood tests, and a scan with notes attatched saying this was the worst case they had ever seen, and there were cysts the size of 50p pieces on my ovaries. I was finally grudgingly diagnosed after losing my temper with yet another patronising consultant who eventually agreed, that i did indeed have it.
By this stage though they said there was nothing they could do for me. Fast forward 4 years, it was so bad that I had now developed hypoglycaemia, terrible depression and tiredness so bad I slept 14 hours a day... I couldnt even get upstairs because I was so lethargic, and I even lost my place at uni because of it (although I appealed and won, I couldnt go back because I was too sick) Across this period of time I also have had 5 miscarriages, none later than about 8-9 weeks. I am now absolutely desperate for children, but my GP keeps saying she can request a referral but because of my age I wouldnt be priority (Im nearly 28) and even then there isnt much they can do because my insides are in such a mess. Someone at work suggested suing for gross medical negligence but given the fact I actually now work for the NHS I am reluctant as I am too worried about losing my job.
My problem here is, my partner's sister-in-law has just had a baby. I cried when I found out she was pregnant originally, in January, feeling like I was low and useless as she had got pregnant straight away. I then, like a bolt out of the blue, in early May, had another miscarriage. This absolutely tore me up and I completely blamed myself as a few weeks previous, unaware I was pregnant, I had been away and I got drunk and was smoking and lugging a heavy suitcase up and down stairs. Anyway, OH's s-i-l had the baby the other week and I dont want to even see it as I am so worried about getting upset. I feel so selfish as I know I should be pleased for them but I can only feel sorry for myself and wonder why it isnt me. Has anyone any advice for me please????

2nd.
Sorry about the long thread! But this one is a real problem to me. I have been living with my partner for about a year and a half. He pays all of the household bills, and the only contribution I make is pay for the internet and occasionally the phone bill - he refuses to take any money for anything else. Now his ex was a nightmare up to her eyes in debt, who kept trying to get his house off him to pay her debts, and he tried to kick me out of the house after about 6 months as he thought I was going to do the same thing.
I want to get married but he is refusing on the grounds that he doesnt want to allow me access to his pension (which is ridiculous when mine is going to be better than his) or his house.... and the last straw came when he put me down as beneficiary to a death in service payment so I could find somewhere else to live if he died cos he knew fine well I would have to get out of the house due to his refusal to marry me... I should add as well as being his partner I am his carer as he has mental health problems, and I do virtually everything for him. (This is as well as working challenging shifts as an auxiliary nurse, the work is hard, mentally and physically, as he well knows, yet he still expects me to run round after him when i get home!)
I have tried to talk to him but all he ever says is 'oh so you're saying you want to split up then?' I dont but he is driving me to it.... I feel like an unpaid skivvy! he is totally unreasonable and I have had enough... what can I do???
Sorry for the essay everyone.... and thanks in advance!

tattoed_bum

sorry i didnt want to read and run ,
i know you want kids but if you have a partner who is neither willing to share things with you ,and also has problems of his own is it wise ?
i dont wish to upset you more , and i am really sorry if i have .

mrcow

Mrs_Ryan wrote: »

I then, like a bolt out of the blue, in early May, had another miscarriage. This absolutely tore me up and I completely blamed myself as a few weeks previous, unaware I was pregnant, I had been away and I got drunk and was smoking and lugging a heavy suitcase up and down stairs. Anyway, OH's s-i-l had the baby the other week and I dont want to even see it as I am so worried about getting upset. I feel so selfish as I know I should be pleased for them but I can only feel sorry for myself and wonder why it isnt me. Has anyone any advice for me please????

Okay, just stop it now. You should not be blaming yourself for this.

It is practically impossible to unwittingly cause a miscarriage. You feel guilty because you didn't realise that you were pregnant, but please believe me, nothing you did caused this. The outcome would have been the same whether you had known or not. You can't realistically stop it from happening any more than you can make it happen.

PCOS is a pain. 50p sized cysts hwever are not particlarly large iirc. Last time I was scanned, Ihad one on my right ovary of 4.5cm and one of 3.5 cm on my left and I know that other women here have had larger than this as I baulked when I read about them. They are agony when they burst and the added side effects that come with the disorder can be absolutely awful.

What treatment have you had? Do you have private medical cover at all? As you can be treated for it privately if you know what to put on the forms (it can't be seen as fertility treatment).

I had my ovaries "drilled" a few years ago and went on to have two further successful (and two sadly unsuccessful) pregnancies. What I would say is that to be thinking of starting a family, you needto be in the right relationship..........and sorry, but it doesn't sound as if you've found that just yet?

Mrs_Ryan

Hi,

thank you for your replies!
Yeah... I know. It probably isnt right to be thinking about kids when my relationship is a nightmare.
tattoed - you didnt upset me, its fine! thank u for ur advice.
MB - I dont have private medical cover unfortunately, and neither can I afford it. I did ask about having my ovaries drilled but got the same old thing again - 'not priority' They gave me Metformin and Dianette, neither of which worked....the Dianette made me ill and the Metformin just didnt do anything at all... they just said that was all they could do. My god.... thats awful aboutthe cysts... I thought mine were big! I worked with a woman once who had one burst on her.... she went through hell but got pregnant more or less immediately after.... Im going to speak to OH tonight though when he comes in from work and have it out with him!

Bitsy_Beans

I can't advise re the PCOS but I do feel sorry for you in that respect. I've had just one miscarriage and that was enough. I can't imagine how you've survived through so many.
However I would be questioning your OH with regards to his attitudes. If your relationship isn't secure than having children (as much as you want them) is the last thing you want to do. Why is he so hung up about you having his house in the event of his death? It's not like he can take it with him. And as for his pension......if you grow old together what's the big deal? Surely you'd be prepared to support him in his old age if his pension wasn't up to scratch.

I don't wish to offend you with my comments but your OH does seem to have some issues.

mrcow

Do you think that perhaps you are being stonewalled about your medical problems because you are seeing a GP instead of a consultant? Or is this a consultant you are seeing? If it is, please change specialists.

All the consultants I've seen about my PCOS have been extremely supportive, sypathetic and helpful. Also, after 5 consecutive miscarriages, most hospitals will look at engaging in tests to investigate if there is an underlying cause. I have read before that PCOS can cause recurrent miscarriage, but I have never really looked into it personally as I've also had three successful & healthy pregnancies in addition to my other two. I think that perhaps you need to be going back and seeing someone different. It sounds as if you've been through hell and back and you should be getting some postive support.

With regards to your boyfriend. I suppose you both need to be asking one question:

Is this the person you want to spend the rest of your life with and start a family with?

If the answer is "yes", then may i respectfully suggest that you stick all your hang ups back in cupboard where they belong and start looking towards a positive and happy future together. If you want to get married, then tell him that's it's what youre looking for out of the relationship. It's not something to be scared of.

As for getting the house after he's dead? Who else doeshe want it to go to? If not you, then I wouldbe querying his commitment to any future children you do have together. Is this really the way you want your life to be? as it's not coming across that it is?

fsdss

i can only really share your experience with the pcos as i too have it., at the moment i am off sick with a twisted cyst on my ovary - but it is repairing itself.

i was 26 when we decided that we wanted a family (after being diagnosed late teens), i had similar response from my gp - however i laid it down to him that this is what i wanted and asked him to recommend a consultant who specialised in pcos, one in which he would send his wife to if she needed. 2 hours later- he rang me at home with a name. with that i booked a private consultation with said consultant and went on a very emotional journey for the next few years (ovarian drilling / 7 ivf's) which i must say - played hell on my marriage emotionally - so for a start i would recommend that you get your relationship as solid as possible. at 32 i had my first child but i had a LOT of trauma along the way! including hyperstimulating which nearly killed me and put me into icu!

i too found it difficult to see other babies - and some pregnant mothers can be insensitive to say the least - but that's life and as painful as it is - somehow you need to find a way of dealing with these issues - one thing that helped me was to talk to a counsellor (one refferred by the gp). or use a supportive website such as
https://www.verity-pcos.org.uk/

misscutiepie1984

I to have PCOS and it took me from the age of 14 till about the age of 22 to be diagnosed... doctors just kept saying wait till you want to have children etc and i just lost my rag in the end until they referred me.

My sister also suffers from PCOS and was told at the age of 28 she was told she had 6 months to get pregnant or she would go through the menopause and she managed to get pregnant and now has a 4 year old boy against, despite previously having a 9lb ovarian cyst!!!!

I understand how you feel about the whole baby thing my mates keep having them and im so happy for them but also so envious i could cry. You just have have faith that it will all work out for you.

If ya need a chat PM me.

clueless1

I also have pcos and I am currently going through a miscarriage as we speak I started bleeding two days ago but doctor advised me to wait a week just to make sure that its definitely a miscarriage. (A week is a long time to suffer the pain) This will be my second miscarriage but I am grateful that I already have a little two year old boy. So when the time is right for you, it is possible to have pcos and still start a family.
btw I've never heard about bursting cyst with pcos. Is it something that I should be looking into for myself?

candygirl

My friend has PCOS and has a 9 year old son.Hers has gone worse since she had him though.My heart goes out to anyone who can't conceive, as I also had secondary infertility die to endometriosis, but at least have my DD:o

specialK

You really do need to talk to your OH and I would say. get a second opinion from your GP or go to another hospital.
One of my closest friends was diagnosed with PCOS aged 17, her sister had been under our Women's hospital for 10 years with the same thing, my friend went to our local one. My friend conceived one month after her sister and after about 18 months of treatment. She is now pregnant with her 3rd and 2 and 3 were conceived without any medical intervention. Her sister has 2 children but needed IVF for the second.

My SIL went to the Women's hospital and she got pregnant after about 8 years, she is pregnant with baby number 2 naturally.

I have PCOS and 2 children, I conceived natuarally with both.

We all suffer from endometriosis too!

I know it is easier said than done, but wanting it so much will work against you. My SIL and brother were considering adoption as she had miscarriage after miscarriage. Once they gave up on themselves, she became pregnant. This is the same for my friend and her sister.

All what you feel will be affecting your relationship, you may not be aware of it. Don't let it get you down, you just have not found the right treatment yet. Try focussing on making you relationship stronger and put baby thoughts on hold, you might just get what you ae hoping for.

I can only say this as I have witnessed it all too often. As the saying goes, never say never.