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LONG POST - How do I Create financial equality

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LONG POST - How do I Create financial equality

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hobo28hobo28 Forumite
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<Snipped> Sorry


  • Savvy_SueSavvy_Sue Forumite
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    Is this an 'actual' 15K or a 'notional' 15K - ie available when the house she has a share in is sold?

    Because if it's the latter, then I wouldn't fight over it right now.

    I can see both sides of the argument ... this money came from THEIR dad, but now they're all one family!
    Still knitting!
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  • hobo28hobo28 Forumite
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    <Snipped> Sorry
  • Savvy_SueSavvy_Sue Forumite
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    I think I'm going to play devil's advocate for a while here, which may help you explore the issues. Why should 'your' children benefit from 'their' father's money?

    I appreciate you not wanting the issue to explode in the future. But things can change so quickly ... if 'yours' were to inherit a similar amount before this money had become available, what then?

    Part of me feels that life's not fair, and children have to learn that. At the moment, the 20K is being used for everyone's benefit. That may need to happen again when the 15K is available. You just don't know.

    Posting in haste, so hope this makes sense ...
    Still knitting!
    Completed: TWO adult cardigans, 3 baby jumpers, 3 shawls, 1 sweat band, 3 pairs baby bootees, 2 sets of handwarmers, 1 Wise Man Knitivity figure + 1 sheep, 2 pairs socks, 3 balaclavas, multiple hats and poppies, 3 peony flowers, 4 butterflies ...
    Current projects: pink balaclava (for myself), seaman's hat, about to start another cardigan!
  • KatgoddessKatgoddess Forumite
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    Prehaps the money could be used in the distance future to help pay for her kids house deposits when they are grown up. An extra 7.5 grand towards their first home isn't going to make enough of a difference to upset your children, and the money will still be going to hers.
    :heart: "A baby will make love stronger, days shorter, nights longer, bankroll smaller, home happier, clothes shabbier, the past forgotten, and the future worth living for." :heart:
  • BeclesBecles Forumite
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    Sorry but I am on the g/f's side here. If the father specifially gave the money towards his children, I can see it causing more problems splitting it up between the 4 children.

    "Her" children might be resentful that they got a smaller payout as they had to share their fathers money.

    What about the ex-husband? I know mine would be furious if he thought his money was being used on someone elses children.

    The children come from different families and it will never be fair, even down to little things. Eg. if your two come back from their Mum's bragging because they had posh ice cream, do you then rush out and buy fancy ice cream for the other two?

    I think present and future money should be split equally among the children. If you won the lottery, it would be fair to give each child an equal amount. However I think money from the past should go to whoever it was intended for.

    Sorry if it's not what you want to hear. I've got two children from a previous marriage, and am marrying again next year and would like further children. The two children I have already have trust funds from some money left to them in a will. In my case, my children will be unequal as future children won't have the same fund, but I don't think it's right splitting up the current funds to share it out. That's the line of thought I've based my post on!

    Hope you get things worked out amicably. Buying a new house is a big stressful step for all the people in your family, so you could do without the arguments ;)
    Here I go again on my own....
  • BossybootsBossyboots Forumite
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    I'm with the girlfriend too on this one.
  • SpendlessSpendless Forumite
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    hobo28 wrote:
    Hi all

    My GF and I have been living together for over a year now. We both have 2 kids each so we have 4 in total.

    We've been talking about moving to a bigger house which will stretch us financially but we need the room.

    She owns part of a house with her parents which is currently let out. We need this share to be able to afford our new home. We think this is about £35k in total. Her parents don't want to sell the house and have said they can raise £20k. Have worked the figures out and we could probably JUST do it on £20k being released.

    Personally this is the bit that I think unfair the gf parents. Presumably if they were willing to sell, the whole of the £35k could go on moving to a bigger place which would benefit the whole family? Did they never talk about what would happen if one party wanted to sell when they went into buying a BTL? What would happen if situations were reversed would your gf stand in her parents way?

    However this doesn't answer your question its JMO. For the set of circumstances you've described I agree with what the others have said it is gf money, it came from her ex for the benefit of her and her children.

    House prices can rise and fall though. Come the day the house is sold, the £15k might be more, might be less. There might be no equity to share out at all or they might be far greater than £15k. Have you discussed what happens in this case with gf
  • rchddap1rchddap1 Forumite
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    It is the gf's money and she can do with it what she likes. However, I can also understand the bf's point of view also. It could quite easily cause resentment between the 2 sets of children later on.

    I can understand things from you point of view. My partner has 2 daughter and so far I have no children of my own. I treat his daughers as mine, and if we had a child my will would state that my estate be split equally between the 3 children. Even though, biologically his 2 daughters have nothing to do with me, and my grandfather gave me money towards my house, for my benefit.

    The other thing to keep in the back of your mind is what would happen to this new house if (heaven forbid) your relationship doesn't work out. There are so many cases on these boards of bf & gf relationships breaking up and arguements being cause over the house.

    One thought. If she wants to essentially give the £15k in the rental house to her 2 kids, couldn't you both say that £15k equity in the new house should go to your 2 kids?

    There must be a way to sort this out...and as other's have said, at the moment it is only 'pie in the sky' money. However, you do need to come to some arrangement just in case it does turn into real money.

    Of course another solutions, would be to leave the £35k where it is and to look at other options.
    Baby Year 1: Oh dear...on the move

    Lily contracted Strep B Meningitis Dec 2006 :eek: Now seemingly a normal little monster. :beer:
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  • Me too Im afraid, I side with the GF.

    Its her money accumulated before you and her existed, therefore its for her to use on her children if she wishes. I hate to say it, but you are looking at the positive future (which I would expect you to do) and I hate to say it but what if (and I really hope this doesnt happen) you and gf 2 or 3 years down the line split up. If your GF has assigned her money to your children, how would that be fair on hers?

    My bf and I have faced a sort of simular situation, although no children financially we are in very different situations. I have money accumulated from pre meeting him and earn substantially more than him. We both have property but he has no cash so to speak. As we are buying together at the moment, we were faced with a problem with the deposit and whether to make it a fair both put same in or both put all we have in, which would mean I would put in £40,000 more than him. We decided the fairest would be that I keep that money back, we put in the same and from here on we split our earnings. Should we split then although I will have put in more living expenses if you like we will still both walk away with what we started with.

    You have to be realistic today in my opinion, the fact that you both have children from past relationships proves that not everything is forever, and although from here on I hope it works, what if it doesnt? Do you really feel that it would be fair for your children to benefit from her past if you were split?

    Perhaps the way to go is for you to save some money where you can to give to your children. Not to separate the children out into mine and hers, but so that both sets have a bit of money at this point, then as the relationship goes on and they grow up you can start giving money to both.
  • hobo28hobo28 Forumite
    1.6K posts
    Hi all

    Thanks for the replies. I appreciate them all.

    The thing is, its not that I want her to split the money she got from the divorce with my kids. That was never my intention. That was her idea which I think is BAD.

    What I am saying is that she should put a little aside from the settlement for her kids and I would match that for my kids from my savings.

    The rest would go towards our new family home which is exactly what the settlement was for. It was to provide a family home for at the time her and her two kids.

    We have both seen a house we like and we really do need as much spare cash as we can put towards it or else we will be living hand to mouth which is not what I want.

    Otherwise what is happening is that I (since I am only one working) will have to borrow more and therefore shoulder that financial burden. In effect, I will have put in the conditions to allow her two to have savings but at the same time, tie myself financially so I can't put anything away for my own kids.

    Its not easy at all because I can see her side of it. But I also think I have a good point. The thing I've learned with step parenting is often you are damned if you do, damned if you don't.
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