At Wits End! 16 November 2005 at 11:40AM edited 30 November -1 at 1:00AM in Marriage, Relationships & Families 17 replies 1.6K views

Dee_Moralised

The house is falling apart.
The children are falling apart.
Marriage fallen apart.
I'm falling apart.

Husband's walked out (workaholic; never takes time off. Moved in with a 'friend' - house can rot/family can rot, just so long as he doesn't have to take time off work).
Won't discuss anything.
Financially? Won't discuss - but says the same as always (he works; both to draw from joint account but no indication of how much/little we can draw upon)
Years of being left isolated (no family/friends) have had a profound affect on my self-esteem and the childrens. Children angry at me because Dad has gone.

House? His (7yrs to run on endowment mortgage)
Employed? Him only.
Contacts? Him

Don't know which way to turn. This is a scarey void.
Fear poverty. Fear not being able to cope financially (health not 100% ). Fear the benefits system and mess ups with maintenance/tax creadits.

What do people do in this situation? Who do they turn to for advice? Where do they get 'help'? How do others manage?

rchddap1

Firstly sit down...close your eyes...breathe and try to relax. My almost MIL's partner left her. She didn't work, they had a business together (which he closed) and all the debts were in her name. 8 months on...she still isn't completely sorted, but she is getting there, and so far has kept the house. She's now on benefits, living day to day....but she is getting there, and has a rather solid plan of action on how she's going to sort things out.

Lots of people go through this every year...and they all come out the otherside in once peice. The kids are bound to be angry...but its probably more the fact that they're confused as to what is going on and are lashing out at anyone nearby. Afterall, he hasn't just left you...he's left them as well. That's gotta hurt.

From what I read elsewhere on the boards, the key to the benefits / tax credits system is to be well organised and to know roughly what you are entitled to. Don't trust the awards notices...work it out for yourself using various sites like www.entitledto.co.uk. If you get paid more than this amount...put it to one side just in case.

House may be his, but as you have kids he can't do nothing about it.

If all else fails...you've come to the right place for a bit of support and a chat. Feel free to have a good winge and let it all out. Us lot are good at listening and there'll be shed loads of people along before very long to offer you their best wishes.

Becles

Dee_Moralised wrote:

What do people do in this situation? Who do they turn to for advice? Where do they get 'help'? How do others manage?

Been there, done that, got the t-shirt!

Believe me that time is a great healer. Since my ex left me, I've managed to become self employed, my children care for me a lot, and I keep a decent roof over their heads. It's going to be a long hard journey, but I promise you there is light at the end of the tunnel!

The main thing is to keep strong for the sake of the children. I know how much it hurts when they are angry with you, but in time they will see it was you who was there for them, you who provided for them, you who cared for them and so on. It will happen. Give them lots of love and attention, and just let them know you are there for them.

Practically you need to sort your finances out. You will be entitled to benefits and help with things. Your best bet would be to go to the Citizens Advice who will help you claim everything you are entitled to, and can work out if you are better in part time work or being a SAHM.

I wouldn't consider full time work just yet, as being a single parent is very hard work. If you are not feeling 100% either emotionally or physically, you'll really struggle with a full time job too.

Sit down and work out what you want to achieve from life at this moment, and make plans to do it. At the minute everything will seem desperate as you don't really know how life will pan out. If you have a little plan of how you are going to tackle things, it does make it easier.

If want to talk to someone do get in touch. Offer is there even if you just want someone to yell at to get it out of your system!

Take care
(((((loads of hugs and prayers)))))

cheekymole

The Citizen's Advice Bureau are great for this kind of thing - they will give you all the advice needed on which benefits etc you are entitled too.

Be strong for your kids and try to explain to them what has happened but whatever you do, don't slag him off in front of them as that would be lowering yourself to his level.

Keep your chin up, show him that you can cope witout him.

How old are your kids?

catznine

Firstly (((((((((Hugs)))))))) this is a nightmare situation for you right now but with help a lot can be sorted, so as has been said before - deep breath, relax and make a plan. First port of call - Citizens advice can be very helpful and tell you what you are entitled to, make an appointment. they are lovely people who will really want to help you.

Sometimes when things seem so bad you can't see the wood for the trees! So "small bites" at first! You will get through this and I have no doubt that others on here will be very supportive and be able to help.

Best wishes
Catz x

Savvy_Sue

Dee_Moralised wrote:

Financially? Won't discuss - but says the same as always (he works; both to draw from joint account but no indication of how much/little we can draw upon)

I freely admit that this is a wicked suggestion, but I'm going to make it anyway. You might want to get your benefit claim sorted out first, and I'm sure others will tell you if this is a really bad idea, but it's what first came to me.

First, without telling him, open a bank account in your own name. You need to do this anyway if you're going to claim benefits, you certainly don't want him to have access to them.

If you don't want to annoy him, carry on using joint account, but whenever you withdraw cash, take something extra and stash it in YOUR account. Even if you've used your card or cheque to pay for shopping until now, withdraw cash to do it. Start building up YOUR fund. Set up a monthly standing order to your single account to cover all the things you usually pay for, and a bit more. You get the picture.

If you want to force him to discuss it, clean the joint account out. But if he then runs up a huge overdraft, I think you'd be jointly liable for that, so that's probably wicked and unwise ...

If there are any other joint accounts - savings etc - then I'd be tempted to stop his access to them, which I think you can do. And I'd do it quick. The only reason I'm not suggesting doing that with the main account is that you might be able to carry on milking it for a good long while if he'd rather let you do that than talk to you.

Oh, and start asking your friends for recommendations for a good divorce solicitor. With any luck, he won't have time to find one!

Can only echo what others have said: it's not a nice time, but it really sounds as if you'll be better off without him! Hugs!

black-saturn

I've been in your shoes too. I split with my kids dad after an abusive relationship 4 years ago. I was elated and relieved about it though even though I had nowhere to live and nothing to my name. Now I have my own house, have paid off debts and have quite a bit of savings.

Firstly go to the benefits office. I know it's complicated and they are really smug people who you want to slap but the sooner you get the ball rolling on that the better.

You could contact Gingerbread. They are a support/social group for lone parents who organise weekly meetings, days out for the kids and nights out for the mums which are free or heavily subsidised with a free babysitting circle.

Heres their website: Gingerbread

You could also try posting on this board who are very good:

Lone Parent Portal

and theres this too: Lone Parent Site

carol_a_3

Ditto all of the above except for the stashing money away bit. Be careful...If you do get divorced "they" will want to see evidence of all accounts in your name be they sole or joint accounts and they may have to be split.

pdoff

no advice just lots of hugs!!

CAT_5

No advice from me either really, cept keep smiling, enjoy the hugs and remember to tell yourself daily, that you're a nice person, remind youself of all your great qualities, if you can, laugh at it, laughter really helps even when things seem so bad you don't feel you will ever laugh again. You will and one day, you look back at this and find the humurous side to some of it.

It's important to blow off steam, have a moan, share the downsides and focus on a goal, that's what got me through that situation, it may not work for you :-)

It's a horrible situation that you find yourself in but it's amazing how strong we can be, when we have no other choice but to keep putting one foot in front of the other :-)

Big HUGS

bluenose1

I am so sorry to hear about your circumstances. When my husband left me I thought my life was over and was in floods of tears for months, but it is amazing were you get the strength from to cope. It is just like a bereavement and time is a great healer.
Make sure you claim Income Support and Council Tax Benefit from your local benefits Office immediately to ensure you get your full entitlement. You can ring up and request a claim form.
with all my best wishes
Anne