Should I have not bothered.

exup

This has been digging me for a couple of days now - and even though its not the end of my releationship - its put me on quite a back foot here.

Setting the way back machine for a few weeks ago and my partner was approaching her 40th birthday. I am 4 years younger but felt that even though she "didnt want a fuss" she deserved one.

Currently she is on maternity leave after we had conception problems - our second child was a blessing which seemed to take forever before things went right (another reason for why she deserved it).

So I phoned up a few of her friends from work (we work for the same service but different locations) and arranged for them to "suprise" her in a pub that I knew she was going to with her sister and a few of her close friends.

I also contacted some of her immediate family (she has a few aunts - nephews and nieces she is fond of) and arranged the same. so they would all be there for her to meet at the pub. he sister knew about this (I also work with her sister) and thought it wasa great idea..

secondly as I know she can be a finnicky eater - I booked a table at the local tech college where I am studying - The food there is great - and if you can put up with students serving you and learning at the same time (they may select the wrong fork or serve on the wrong side of you - so what? ) then its a great little restaurant - I have been there a few times with friends from my course so I decided to book a table for her parents with the two of us.- I checked with her parents before hand and they were looking forward to it. I also checked with my partner herself as I know she can be funny about eating at some places and it was OK..

I contacted the restaurant and spoke to the head chef about what he could rustle up on the day - as although she doesnt eat meat (she cant stand the taste) she cant eat substitute meats either like quorn, veggie burgers etc.
"no problem" he said he had a few good ideas for recipes, none contained "substitute meat" so he would give the students a choice of about 3 or 4 meals to prepare, and he would select one - but he would make sure it was damned good..Table booked - (have to pay in advance for bookings at the college but I knew that anyway)

So far so good.

now getting back to the present - about a week before we went shopping - and we called by the hairdressers for her to book an appt for her hair.
now the problem here was the college restaurant isnt a "real" restaurant as in the everyday one where you book a meal.
you arrive between 12 and 1230 and the place shuts by 1:30 or 1:45 pm if its pushing it.
The hair appt was going to be booked for 1120.. and would be an hour.

"WHOA" I said "we have the table booked at the college cant you make the appt for after the meal?"
"You said the restaurant would open until 1:30"
"Yes but even so .. shall we have the meal another day?"
"No thats ok - we will be able to get there"
"I think we will be pushing it honestly - if you dont get out until 1220 - we still have to get there which is at least 15 minutes"

But to no avail . and although I really didnt want anything to go wrong - I had this feeling of dread now.. that it seems to be going out of my hands. . .

Birthday "eve"
shes gone to bed so I get out the massive HAPPY BIRTHDAY banner and pin it up over the mantle - I blow up ballons in her favourite colours and bow tie them to the corners of the ceilings - I put her a few presents out and then go to bed myself.

Birthday
She loves the banner and card and presses etc..
great . .
Things go on until she goes to get her hair done.
time ticks on -
Her mum and dad phone - sorry shes' still at the hairdressers
time ticks on
1225 the college phones and asks where we are..
I apologise - and try to explain that my girlfriend should be here any second and we will set off the minute she gets here..

1240 She gets back and gets herself ready and gets in the car - the phone goes while I am locking the house - 1245 . .

The college again - this time its the manageress. She can hold the chef until 1 o clock as he usually stops cooking at 1240 at the latest.

Theres no way we can make it . and I cant pick her mum and dad up take them to the collge and then know that we will be turned away - so I have no choice but to cancel (no refund).

So I drag myself to the car and tell my girlfriend..
"Never mind - we can just go to the Toby Pub instead"
"Im sorry, but I cant afford to pay for two meals, I have already paid for this one"

So she tells me that I am a **** up, am just being awkward and tears off in the car to her mum and dads..

I am shell shocked at this, but phone her mum and dad to apologise before she blasts in the house and am told by her Dad.
"Well , I think theres a lesson in here for you lad, always check what time the chef is cooking until"
"No " I reply" The lesson is not to let your girlfriend book a hairdresser just before a meal"
"Well thats between you and her"
I bit my tounge as I could easily say that its funny that now I am slightly finding fault with his daughter - its now between me and her, but he was quick to point out a lesson I should learn..

She came back later and hardly spoke - I dropped her, and her mum, and sister at the pub and she came back after I gone to to bed later that night.
I later found out , that everyone turned up that I had asked, from her friend and that I had done a great job of getting people there, but my girlfriend never said a word of the pub night.

She told someone else I had ruined her 40th birthday. and thats whats shes going to remember.

I can't believe it went so wrong and I am gutted, and just can't face organising anything like this every again. Where did I go wrong? ?

izzybusy23

exup wrote: »

This has been digging me for a couple of days now - and even though its not the end of my releationship - its put me on quite a back foot here.

Setting the way back machine for a few weeks ago and my partner was approaching her 40th birthday. I am 4 years younger but felt that even though she "didnt want a fuss" she deserved one.

Currently she is on maternity leave after we had conception problems - our second child was a blessing which seemed to take forever before things went right (another reason for why she deserved it).

So I phoned up a few of her friends from work (we work for the same service but different locations) and arranged for them to "suprise" her in a pub that I knew she was going to with her sister and a few of her close friends.

I also contacted some of her immediate family (she has a few aunts - nephews and nieces she is fond of) and arranged the same. so they would all be there for her to meet at the pub. he sister knew about this (I also work with her sister) and thought it wasa great idea..

secondly as I know she can be a finnicky eater - I booked a table at the local tech college where I am studying - The food there is great - and if you can put up with students serving you and learning at the same time (they may select the wrong fork or serve on the wrong side of you - so what? ) then its a great little restaurant - I have been there a few times with friends from my course so I decided to book a table for her parents with the two of us.- I checked with her parents before hand and they were looking forward to it. I also checked with my partner herself as I know she can be funny about eating at some places and it was OK..

I contacted the restaurant and spoke to the head chef about what he could rustle up on the day - as although she doesnt eat meat (she cant stand the taste) she cant eat substitute meats either like quorn, veggie burgers etc.
"no problem" he said he had a few good ideas for recipes, none contained "substitute meat" so he would give the students a choice of about 3 or 4 meals to prepare, and he would select one - but he would make sure it was damned good..Table booked - (have to pay in advance for bookings at the college but I knew that anyway)

So far so good.

now getting back to the present - about a week before we went shopping - and we called by the hairdressers for her to book an appt for her hair.
now the problem here was the college restaurant isnt a "real" restaurant as in the everyday one where you book a meal.
you arrive between 12 and 1230 and the place shuts by 1:30 or 1:45 pm if its pushing it.
The hair appt was going to be booked for 1120.. and would be an hour.

"WHOA" I said "we have the table booked at the college cant you make the appt for after the meal?"
"You said the restaurant would open until 1:30"
"Yes but even so .. shall we have the meal another day?"
"No thats ok - we will be able to get there"
"I think we will be pushing it honestly - if you dont get out until 1220 - we still have to get there which is at least 15 minutes"

But to no avail . and although I really didnt want anything to go wrong - I had this feeling of dread now.. that it seems to be going out of my hands. . .

Birthday "eve"
shes gone to bed so I get out the massive HAPPY BIRTHDAY banner and pin it up over the mantle - I blow up ballons in her favourite colours and bow tie them to the corners of the ceilings - I put her a few presents out and then go to bed myself.

Birthday
She loves the banner and card and presses etc..
great . .
Things go on until she goes to get her hair done.
time ticks on -
Her mum and dad phone - sorry shes' still at the hairdressers
time ticks on
1225 the college phones and asks where we are..
I apologise - and try to explain that my girlfriend should be here any second and we will set off the minute she gets here..

1240 She gets back and gets herself ready and gets in the car - the phone goes while I am locking the house - 1245 . .

The college again - this time its the manageress. She can hold the chef until 1 o clock as he usually stops cooking at 1240 at the latest.

Theres no way we can make it . and I cant pick her mum and dad up take them to the collge and then know that we will be turned away - so I have no choice but to cancel (no refund).

So I drag myself to the car and tell my girlfriend..
"Never mind - we can just go to the Toby Pub instead"
"Im sorry, but I cant afford to pay for two meals, I have already paid for this one"

So she tells me that I am a **** up, am just being awkward and tears off in the car to her mum and dads..

I am shell shocked at this, but phone her mum and dad to apologise before she blasts in the house and am told by her Dad.
"Well , I think theres a lesson in here for you lad, always check what time the chef is cooking until"
"No " I reply" The lesson is not to let your girlfriend book a hairdresser just before a meal"
"Well thats between you and her"
I bit my tounge as I could easily say that its funny that now I am slightly finding fault with his daughter - its now between me and her, but he was quick to point out a lesson I should learn..

She came back later and hardly spoke - I dropped her, and her mum, and sister at the pub and she came back after I gone to to bed later that night.
I later found out , that everyone turned up that I had asked, from her friend and that I had done a great job of getting people there, but my girlfriend never said a word of the pub night.

She told someone else I had ruined her 40th birthday. and thats whats shes going to remember.

I can't believe it went so wrong and I am gutted, and just can't face organising anything like this every again. Where did I go wrong? ?

You didn't go wrong. She doesn't deserve the effort you made, pure and simple. My husband has never made any effort for my birthday at all, never a suprise gift or anything so I would had been absolutely made up if this effort had been for me. I actually think she sounds very selfish.

Supercali

Well, if it was me then I would be mortified that I was late back from the hairdressers and messed things up

But you said that she was going out "with her sister and a few of her close friends" and then you took it upon yourself to invite people from work and other relatives. I, personally, don't like a lot of fuss and hate do's where there are loads of people. Perhaps she was looking forward to spending an intimate evening with her sister and close friends and you spoilt that for her?

I think you had good intentions and are great for doing what you did but maybe what you think she wanted and what she actually wanted were two different things?

MYLITTLESISTERLOLA

I think you went to a massive effort, more than any man I know. I hope your GF realises how lucky she is, maybe she was expecting something else ( ring & then da da da da up the aisle you know how it goes ) Good luck

mummytofour

Thats so sad you put in such a lot of hard work.
I hope that in time she will see what a fab job you did and will see it from your point of view.

It is a shame you didnt turn up at the pub in the evening tho.

cupid_s

Show her this thread with people commenting on how selfish she is and how she's lucky to have a bloke like you!

Though maybe mylittlesisterlola is right and she was expceting something a bit more.

(Also where is this tech college? I'm in west yorkshire and it sounds good)

Horace

As said before by another poster, your GF is selfish. She needs to grow up too so instead of whining to her friends that 'you' ruined her birthday, she should apologise to you for being such an a*" because it was she who ruined the day and not you by her insisting on booking a hair appointment and totally ignoring anything that you had to say on the matter. She is the one who has embarrassed you and make you look like a plonker in front of your fellow students.

She sounds as though she needs a slap - perhaps if her parents had dished out a few more instead of pandering to her then she would be a bit more considerate.

I wouldn't organise anything for her again, I wouldnt even bother buying her anything for Christmas or any other family event. Personally, I would dump her and move on - you deserve better than this spoilt brat.

woozywendy

It it my 40th next year and if my husband organises something like you have done I would be chuffed to bits. Plus I would also like him to be with me on the night, not home in bed, well not until later that is! :blushing:

lynzpower

She sounds as though she needs a slap - perhaps if her parents had dished out a few more instead of pandering to her then she would be a bit more considerate.

Do you have ANY idea just how offensive this comment is. Many of us have been on the recieving end of domestic violence and childhood abuse and quite frankly this comment makes me feel sick.

Violence is never the answer to misunderstandings.

OP, I would talk to your mrs, listen to her. She what SHE has to say. If you feel she is being unreasonable, then I would simply tel her so & let her know how hurt you are. It certainly sounds to me that everything you have done was done with the right intention.

tootiefrooties

Hello

Do you think maybe she felt guilty or embarrassed about missing the meal? I don't know her personality so can't assume, but it could be that she felt bad and didn't deal with it in a very good way - sometimes people are defensive or aggressive when they're in the wrong. Sounds as if maybe she felt guilty when you said you couldn't afford the pub, so she threw it back in your face because she didn't know how else to deal with it?

I reckon you both feel a bit sad about how the day went, so try to patch it up rather than stewing and have it turn into a major thing. New baby blues AND a 40th birthday could be just the catalyst for flying off the handle for no reason.

Sounds as if you put a lot of thought in, so in future I would stick to flexible arrangements (normal restaurant booking) so that there isn't a big problem if you're a bit late. This will take the strain off both of you so you can enjoy special occasions more.

lilmissmup

OMG how rude is she? Gets it from her Dad by what you said too.

I can understand her getting angry if you had booked The Ivy or something but your obviously in debt if your posting here and a meal out should be appreciated by her and she should have made the appointment after you are right.