How to meet a guy?

agme28

My ex only left in April, although I finished it in January as I hadn't been happy for a long time if I'm honest and the relationship was always tricky because we had both come out of failed marriages (him with a child and me having lost one). So I feel ready to move on in terms of wanting to enjoy some company - when I say I want to meet someone for longterm commitment, that is my preference. OBVIOUSLY I would be dating first and not wanting to jump in unless it was completely right. I've made that mistake and won't this time. I have already ruled out many many men on these dating sites as well as ones I have met through reunions or having work done in the house. I am not desperate, just keen to enjoy male company and have intimacy again.

My ex seems to be proof that it can work although I am not sure how the hell he has managed it as he was still wanting us to be together in the same month he has got chatting to his old flame. But now they have met it seems like the real thing, which has shocked me given he said he didn't want to meet anyone for another 4 years. I just can't get my head around how he can make sacrifices for that r'ship (having only seen her a handful of times) when he didn't for us. For example, he saw his eldest every weekend when we were together and now he is trying to get out of seeing our two at weekends so he can see this girl. I feel so hurt by this. He hasn't seen them for 3 weekends on the run now because he has been in Florida with his 7 year old for the last 2 and then the weekend before he went away he said he wouldnt see these cos he was working the Saturday, when actually he went down South for the weekend to see this girl. No doubt, her ex takes their kids at the weekends and I am left doing everything for our two, as usual.

Horseygal_2

cowbutt wrote: »

That's a pretty sweeping generalisation; I spent my 20s concentrating on my career and was moving around too much to date seriously, and my early 30s getting some stability back after trying my hand at starting and running my own business. I have a preference for meeting women without kids (young kids, anyway) simply because it's significantly easier to arrange dates and get to know each other. Ironically, it seems many of the women I've dated are comitment-phobic, and don't want to give up their 20-something party animal lifestyle and don't want to run the risk of being hurt by actually letting anyone into their lives.

When you get to a certain age, suddenly find yourself single with two young kids and back on the dating scene some 'sweeping generalisations' may be allowed.

In my experience (not vast admittedly!) some 30/40-something men who had never married and/or had no kids were a nightmare to date. Expecting dates when and where it suited them and getting uppity when sometimes due to family committments it was just not possible.

It takes a very unique and special man to take on someone else's kids - I wanted a caring, supportive partner for me but equally a good step-father and role model for my kids. It was something I was not prepared to compromise on. Who ever I chose needed to have the personal qualities for both gigs. After a while I stopped dating men who had never been marrried or had kids. I know I'm not the only one within my circle of friends who has had that experience or made that choice.

I don't disagree with you about the girls either - I'm sure there are some child/committment phobic ones out there too. I've just never dated any
xx

Woodyrocks

I do have to say keep yourself open to dating because the longer you are alone the harder you find it to adjust to someone sharing your space. I know I do at least! I say I want to be with someone but my actions say otherwise lol

Online dating are cool but it is things like joining a gym, doing a course or even some volunteer work a day a week - social activity that gets you interacting with new people - is the way to go.

Horseygal_2

foreversomeday wrote: »

I just said I wouldn't bother with them - in my experience I find facebook etc better for keeping in touch with people I actually know. I find it hard to get to know strangers this way - and to be honest I have never used a dating site but I find the idea of picking out someone to date very odd, I much prefer to build up a relationship with someone and let romance develop rather than having that underlying pressure from the start.

That's just me though - everyone is different

I'm certainly not judging your choices - I had real bad qualms about online dating before I tried it and then again when the first relationship I started from it didn't work out.

The reason I see it as a positive thing is the potential it has to get you out of your area and meet totally new people you would have never come into contact with otherwise. I know it's not for everyone but it has worked for me and I know of 5 other couples who are in committed, serious relationships after meeting on line. :T


xx

PS: Before anyone asks I have no vested financial interests in any online dating sites!!:D

Kazzajr

agme28 wrote: »

My ex only left in April, although I finished it in January as I hadn't been happy for a long time if I'm honest and the relationship was always tricky because we had both come out of failed marriages (him with a child and me having lost one).

I am honestly surprised that after what you have been through and given how recent the split is that you are hoping to settle down with someone. Please don't take this the wrong way but are you not used to being single, do you feel you need to be in a relationship?

Maybe it is just me but I don't understand how a lot of single parents especially those with los who are so young feel the need to move on so quickly and bring new partners into their lives.

Woodyrocks

I have to say that I know many females in my social circle, past and present, that have seemed unable to see themselves without a partner in their life. I think this is difficult position to find oneself especially when you have children to consider. What you may feel is best for you is not neccesarily the best move for your child/ren.

I have brought DD up on my own and she is now 7 and I am happy that I have never confused her with random men coming in and out of our lives. I am not saying I am the virgin mary but I have never brought this into our home. It is the most important thing to me that whoever I introduce to DD is someone that is there for the long run. I know there are no guarantees in life and you have to be in it to win it (lol) but I know a female friend with a son the same age as DD and he is on his THIRD 'uncle' IYGMD

I have gone out on multiple dates through match.com, with guys I met at uni whilst doing my MA and even with one guy that gave me a lift on a rainy wet day. I have gone on these dates with an open mind and no expectation. I know my worth and I know that I have a lot to offer a partner, so I am willing to make sure it is right on all points before jumping in care-free as if I was fancy-free!

I am not saying my way is the right way, in fact my Mom thinks I am extreme in this respect and that I have been alone for far too long but I remind her that when she is baby-sitting I am out having 'fun' But I refuse to let that cloud my judgement - it is about me AND my child afterall.

miserly_mum

Woodyrocks wrote: »

I have to say that I know many females in my social circle, past and present, that have seemed unable to see themselves without a partner in their life. I think this is difficult position to find oneself especially when you have children to consider. What you may feel is best for you is not neccesarily the best move for your child/ren.

I have brought DD up on my own and she is now 7 and I am happy that I have never confused her with random men coming in and out of our lives. I am not saying I am the virgin mary but I have never brought this into our home. It is the most important thing to me that whoever I introduce to DD is someone that is there for the long run. I know there are no guarantees in life and you have to be in it to win it (lol) but I know a female friend with a son the same age as DD and he is on his THIRD 'uncle' IYGMD

I have gone out on multiple dates through match.com, with guys I met at uni whilst doing my MA and even with one guy that gave me a lift on a rainy wet day. I have gone on these dates with an open mind and no expectation. I know my worth and I know that I have a lot to offer a partner, so I am willing to make sure it is right on all points before jumping in care-free as if I was fancy-free!

I am not saying my way is the right way, in fact my Mom thinks I am extreme in this respect and that I have been alone for far too long but I remind her that when she is baby-sitting I am out having 'fun' But I refuse to let that cloud my judgement - it is about me AND my child afterall.

Surely all long term relationships don;t happen over night?

The OP isn't saying that every/any man she meets will develop into wedded bliss
She justs wants the chance to meet men.....not assuming every date will lead to a long term relationship .......but not with the pre-determined idea that it won't.

Isn't that what dating is all about either with or without children?

Of course we (women) can live without a man. Why should single mums be made to feel guilty for wanting someone in their lives other than their children.

M ex left 5 kids and continued on to another relationship and fathered 3 more.......nobody critisised him.

mrbadexample

Horseygal wrote: »

The child/committment phobic ones stick out a mile - late 30's/40's never been married and expect only to meet women without kids.

I'm 39, never been married, would like to meet a woman without kids. That doesn't make me either child or commitment phobic. I am afraid of committing to the wrong person. But thanks for sticking me in that particular pigeon hole. :rolleyes:

Horseygal_2

mrbadexample wrote: »

I'm 39, never been married, would like to meet a woman without kids. That doesn't make me either child or commitment phobic. I am afraid of committing to the wrong person. But thanks for sticking me in that particular pigeon hole. :rolleyes:

No worries hope you have enough room to spread your wings!:rotfl:

cowbutt

Horseygal wrote: »

When you get to a certain age, suddenly find yourself single with two young kids and back on the dating scene some 'sweeping generalisations' may be allowed.

In my experience (not vast admittedly!) some 30/40-something men who had never married and/or had no kids were a nightmare to date. Expecting dates when and where it suited them and getting uppity when sometimes due to family committments it was just not possible.

I would say that's more indicative of the inherent characters of those men, rather than because they haven't been married or had kids yet (quite possibly, that's the reason why they haven't!)

When I've dated mums, I've always been well aware that their kids come first and that I have to fit in. I do find that challenging, though, hence my declared preference for dating women without kids yet. I have zero bias in favour or against dating divorcees though; the only thing that matters are the circumstances of the divorce, but that goes equally for the split of any previous long-term relationship.

It takes a very unique and special man to take on someone else's kids - I wanted a caring, supportive partner for me but equally a good step-father and role model for my kids. It was something I was not prepared to compromise on. Who ever I chose needed to have the personal qualities for both gigs. After a while I stopped dating men who had never been marrried or had kids. I know I'm not the only one within my circle of friends who has had that experience or made that choice.

That's entirely understandable. I'm not sure I could fill in for an absent father, but for a while I've been coming round to the idea that I might well be able to be a decent 'big brother', 'spare dad' or friend to the older children of any woman I might date. I can understand your seeking 'short cuts' to determining whether a man is dateable or not, but my fear is that by doing so, you might not be able to distinguish between people who are challenging to form serious relationships with, and those who just haven't really tried yet - for one reason or another.