Funeral wishes (pre planning)

bestpud

I don't know too much about the ins and outs of funerals but I just wanted to say be careful how and when you approach your children about this!

My mum kind of sprung her wishes on me (although I've known a few things for a long while) not long after my nan died and I have to admit I refused to talk about it as it completely floored me. Obviously it was on my mums mind and I've felt guilty ever since for the way I reacted but I very nearly vommited and could not even face the thought of them not being around at that point in time, let alone discuss their wishes.

I have often thought since that I must go back and get her to say now I'm ok to listen as I would like to follow their wishes.

There was confusion with my other nan as nobody was 100% sure what she wanted but we knew she had it written somewhere and couldn't find it! It was very difficult at the time. So, do make it easy to find if you do wirte it down!

Not sure if that helps or not!

glossgal

This may be an unpopular opinion but I actually think its quite selfish to deny your children the opportunity of a burial. Obviously you have your wishes but with respect you will not be here for the aftermath. Of course a funeral is essentially pointless if you take it on base level-you really don't need one BUT the ritual of a burial is a symbolic one for the family to grieve, thats why every religion on earth has some form of ceremony so Im not sure why you would be against it? (I don't expect you to tell us btw!).

My mother passed away a few years ago. Being a quiet sort of family I quite honestly dreaded the funeral at the time and really didn't want the fuss. However, it was a very important day as it allowed us to give a respectful goodbye to my mother. I think it would have been a very isolating experience to not have a burial. I know you didn't post to debate this issue but I feel its important to post from the 'other' point of view!

SandC

I would write your wishes down in a letter and keep with your important documents such as your will. Whilst you could change your will to incorporate this I don't really see the point as although your will can be physically read by whoever gets the hard copy from wherever you keep it, the actual reading of a will takes place some time after a funeral has normally been carried out.

So keep it separate, make sure your children know where all your legal and financial documents are kept and just fingers crossed that things are done as you have planned. If your other half changes his mind after your death regarding what he wishes to have done, well there isn't anything anybody can do about that!

Suzy_M

Someone once said "Funerals are for the living not for the dead" - the living being the friends and relatives of the deceased.

I recently attended a funeral where the deceased would have been quite happy with a simple burial/cremation followed by a few refreshments (more for the benefit of those who had to travel some distance). However, by the time the family and friends had made the arrangements it had turned in to a major affair lasting all day. Not what the deceased wanted but it helped the close family and friends deal with their grief.

Personally I would be quite happy just to be unceremoniously plonked in the ground in a woodland burial site. However, for the benefit of relatives or friends I thnk this is unlikely to happen. About the only way I can think of to make sure my wishes are honoured is to make my own arrangements via a funeral bond. Maybe if I've already made firm arrangements and paid for it, it will deter anyone else from making their "own" arrangements.

Fishingtime

One way round the situation,could be to pay a pre-need.
This is where you pay for your funeral now,telling the funeral directors what you want doing.

bronco

went to a funeral last week cremation no singing no prayes just talk of his
life. one cd of his choosing aranged it himself.on finnishing played always
look on the brightside of life. maybe not to every ones likeing but its the
only funeral i have been to where every one came out smiling

Debt_Free_Chick

This may be a bit controversial and just a little blunt but .... does it matter? I mean, you won't actually know whether your wishes have been carried out, will you?

Isn't it best to let your remaining family organise whatever helps them through the grieving process? A funeral, cremation, wake or whatever is a very important part of the grieving process. Up to that point, the death is almost not real and more often than not, family are in "a state of limbo". It's almost as if they rely on the funeral to mark a starting point in the process of "moving on". For many, it also provides the first real opportunity to let their emotions go - tears, pain and anguish having been bottled up between the death and the funeral.

For others, it's a chance to celebrate the deceased's life - everything from their achievements to those embarrassing moments that everyone remembers with fondness and a wry smile.

If you were my mum, I'd agree with what you wanted whilst knowing full well that I'd send you off in the way that would make me feel proud to have had you as my mum.

Hope this provides some food for thought.

Regards

bestpud

Debt_Free_Chick wrote: »

This may be a bit controversial and just a little blunt but .... does it matter? I mean, you won't actually know whether your wishes have been carried out, will you?

Isn't it best to let your remaining family organise whatever helps them through the grieving process? A funeral, cremation, wake or whatever is a very important part of the grieving process. Up to that point, the death is almost not real and more often than not, family are in "a state of limbo". It's almost as if they rely on the funeral to mark a starting point in the process of "moving on". For many, it also provides the first real opportunity to let their emotions go - tears, pain and anguish having been bottled up between the death and the funeral.

For others, it's a chance to celebrate the deceased's life - everything from their achievements to those embarrassing moments that everyone remembers with fondness and a wry smile.

If you were my mum, I'd agree with what you wanted whilst knowing full well that I'd send you off in the way that would make me feel proud to have had you as my mum.

Hope this provides some food for thought.

Regards

I agree that funerals are for the living and we (maybe?) won't know what ours was like, but I would not be ok with agreeing with my mum and then doing what I wanted.

If I really felt I didn't want to arranmge it how they wanted, I'd say so at the time and try to come to an agreement.

I'd find it wholly unacceptable to go against my agreement with them. It would make no difference that they were dead and may not know - I'd know and that would be the main point for me!

pboae

I don't want to be embalmed, it's something I feel very strongly about for various reasons. I have had it written into my will that I don't want to be embalmed, and that I wish to be cremated ASAP after my death, with no service or ceremony. If people want to have an internment ceremony or scatter the ashes or something later on, that's fine. They don't need my body there to have a remberance service.

My OH and family know what I want, but there are one or two who I think may give OH a hard time about it. So I wanted it written into a formal/legal document to help him if that happens. As it is, there won't be much they can do about it, because I will hopefully have already been cremated before they have time to object.

If they loved me, they would respect my wishes. I can't think of many things more disrespectful to a person's memory than denying them their choice of funeral for selfish reasons.

edit: actually I can think of something more disrespectful, lying to someone and pretending you would respect their wishes when you have no intentions of doing it.

lilac_lady

My aunt stipulated that she didn't want a funeral. She was adamant about it so she didn't have one but all the relatives met up for a "celebration" meal a month after she died and we all shared our memories of her. That way, she got her wish and we were happy to have a chance to honour her memory.