Funeral wishes (pre planning)

SparkyG

We are a couple with 2 grown up sons who are both married with families. We already have a current will (drawn up by a solicitor), leaving all our assets to be split equally between the 2 boys, so no problems there;)

For reasons I don't need to go into here, myself and my husband have decided that we don't want funerals. ie. the undertakers do the necessary on their own, and that's it. We have told the boys this, and said that if they want to arrange a wake/celebration of our lives independently then that's fine. Also if they want to arrange memorials etc then that is fine, but we won't be doing it. They are not happy with this, but seem to respect our wishes. We have also said that if we both go together then they can carry out their own wishes regarding funerals. That seems fair enough!

Now to the point of my post. Should we have our wills professionally re-done to include our wishes, or would it be a good idea to just write our wishes ourselves, and give it to the boys along with copies of the official will?

All opinions welcome, but please note, I'm not asking for opinions on our funeral wishes!;)

missprint

As I understand it, funeral wishes laid out in a will can be overidden by relatives anyway. If you have stated that the boys can carry out their own funeral wishes if you both go together then I don't see what the issue is. If one of you goes first then the other will carry out their wishes as a matter of course. Why does this need to be enshrined in a will?

floss2

Why not write it all down anyway, and keep the written statement of wishes with your will?

I always think that funerals are as much for those who are left behind to show their respects as the actual "disposal" of a body by cremation or burial, but that's my personal opinion.

belfastgirl23

I don't really know why you would need to write it in. Whilst there is a convention around having a funeral there isn't a law about it. And if you have both told your sons very clearly of your wishes then I guess the only question still in my mind is whether you think they might try to push the remaining partner to have a funeral? If this is the case I don't think a will would make much difference anyway... maybe a letter to be opened in event of death would do the same job more cost effectively?

skylight

I have written my funeral wishes and placed it with my will in the safe. My family are aware of my wishes but I have also written it down, as death can affect people in odd ways so there is no forgetting what I want.

I also know there is no guarantee that they will actually carry out my wishes, but I expect they will.

Ephemera

It is a shame that your wishes can be overridden by the living after you have gone, and there is no law to protect your interests after you have died. But then again, you're not going to be around to care or do anything about it!! :rolleyes:

Surfbabe

My dad planned his funeral down to the last detail - left it all on a computer disc but forgot to give us the password.!! Write it down and leave it as a letter with the boys - my mum has made a note of what she does or doesn;t want and it is pinned on my notice board. (brother and sister have a photocopy each) we wouldn;t dream of overwriting her wishes - I assume your boys will be the same

SparkyG

Thanks for all your replies - very useful:T

Belfast girl23- And if you have both told your sons very clearly of your wishes then I guess the only question still in my mind is whether you think they might try to push the remaining partner to have a funeral?

You have hit the nail on the head exactly!! While I would probably 'resist' any persuasion, I'm afraid that my husband (who will do anything for a quiet life) maybe a bit of a pushover. But then if if I'm not around I won't know will I ??

belfastgirl23

SparkyG wrote: »

Thanks for all your replies - very useful:T

Belfast girl23- And if you have both told your sons very clearly of your wishes then I guess the only question still in my mind is whether you think they might try to push the remaining partner to have a funeral?

You have hit the nail on the head exactly!! While I would probably 'resist' any persuasion, I'm afraid that my husband (who will do anything for a quiet life) maybe a bit of a pushover. But then if if I'm not around I won't know will I ??

I'd say in that case you need to take your sons to one side, preferably together, and tell them that this has been preying on your mind. And ask them to set your mind at rest that they will not pressure your husband to go against your wishes. Make it clear that you are very concerned about them getting him to do something at a vulnerable time that he might later regret (ie going against your wishes). Make it clear to them how important it is to you and end by telling them that you are putting your faith and trust in them that they will abide by your wishes.

Then you have to put the trust in them - as you say you won't be around to do otherwise

Savvy_Sue

SparkyG wrote: »

But then if if I'm not around I won't know will I ??

I plan to be looking down ... so when I had the brain surgery, I told DH that if the worst happened, he wasn't to insist on the boys looking too smart, or I wouldn't recognise them ... :rotfl:

r.mac_2

In scotland (it may be different in england, perhaps someone can clarify?) funeral wishes can be included in a will, but are wishes only and are not required to be complied with. However, it is likely executors would follow these.

Having your wills redrawn will involve a cost. As a cheaper solution, I would be tempted to write a short letter expressing your funeral wishes and ask your solicitor to hold it with the copy of your will. However, this is obviously someting you have discussed with your sons. If they are around I would hope that they comply with your wishes, however in the instance where you outlive them or are involved in a common calamity, a letter expressing your wishes would be useful.