I don't know what to do to help my friend

Mrs_P_Pincher

She called me last night in tears again. She has a lot going on in her life at the moment as she is supporting a close family member who is ill and she has just had to have her dog put to sleep, but now she also has a horrendous problem with her son.

He is in his early thirties and working, although not earning mega bucks, but he’s not paying market rate for board. He did leave home some years ago and go and live with a girl, but it didn’t work out and he came home and let her have the house they had bought together. This girl is very difficult and his contact with his son has only ever been sporadic unless it suited her. He has not seen his son now since last Autumn and another relationship didn’t work out in the meantime. His Mum thinks he is going to take his ex to Court for contact with his son, but he’s too scared of his ex do that.

He spends most of his time in his bedroom, smoking, drinking and playing computer games. My friend, who is also disabled and recovering from cancer treatment, went into his bedroom yesterday, realised that it smelt awful in there and found that the mattress was soaking wet. It has had to be thrown away and he has admitted that he is drinking so much he has been wetting the bed, not drying it out etc. He is now sleeping on a blow up mattress.

My friend is beside herself. Her son is obviously seriously depressed, but is not receiving any treatment and is too old for his Mum to make him an appointment. He is not contributing properly to the house and now he is causing expense and behaving in a way that I would not accept in my children. When she called me last night I was in the middle of getting the dinner and I just said “I hope you’re going to make him pay for a new one”, but I’m going to have to phone her today and I need to be more constructive.

If he was mine I would be asking him to leave right about now, pi$$ing the bed being a breach of house rules, and he does have an income so he can get somewhere else to live and either sort himself out or carry on as he is…

Am I being too harsh?

Mrs P P

ClareEmily

Well I am in my early thirties and I wouldn't treat my poor mother like that and if I did still live at home and I crossed the line like that she wouldn't hesitate to throw me out.

I think at the moment your friend just needs someone to listen. I wouldn't comment much on her son at all, she knows deep down that he is treating her like a doormat and taking advance of her good nature, but doesn't necessary want to hear home truths from her friend, especially as she has other worries in her life at the moment she will be feeling particularly sensitive.

I would be a good friend, always have time to talk, pop round regularly, or even better invite her out to cinema, coffee, drinks around yours, so that she gets out of the house for a while.

Has she got anyone else (husband, other children etc) who could have a word with her son to tell him to quite frankly pull himself together, his behaviour is going to make your friend stressed and ill with worry. He should be supporting her not making her life even more difficult.

Instead of phoning today (if she lives nearby) go round with some chocolate, flowers, and a big hug.

ameliarate

ClareEmily wrote: »

Well I am in my early thirties and I wouldn't treat my poor mother like that and if I did still live at home and I crossed the line like that she wouldn't hesitate to throw me out.


Has she got anyone else (husband, other children etc) who could have a word with her son to tell him to quite frankly pull himself together, his behaviour is going to make your friend stressed and ill with worry. He should be supporting her not making her life even more difficult.

A bit harsh I think as he is clearly unhappy and the OP says he is depressed.

The friend clearly needs some serious support, but he clearly needs some help. The mum needs to persuade him to (a) go and see a doctor to get help for his depression and his alcohol abuse and (b) a solicitor to sort out proper access to his child.

pukkamum

I think she really does need to start some tough love with her son.
I would suggest she says to him that she would be willing for him to stay at home if he
a) gets some help for his obvious depression
b) stops drinking in the house
c) does a certain amount of jobs around the house to make up for the shortfall in rent.
The only reason i am not saying she should throw him out is because he is obviously depressed and in need of support.
If he is behaving like that at home i would worry what kind of a state he would get into living alone.
A lot of the time i think unless it is pointed out to people just how bad they are acting they will just continue.
Could you not have a word with him and tell him just how upset his mum is?

ClareEmily

ameliarate wrote: »

A bit harsh I think as he is clearly unhappy and the OP says he is depressed.

The friend clearly needs some serious support, but he clearly needs some help. The mum needs to persuade him to (a) go and see a doctor to get help for his depression and his alcohol abuse and (b) a solicitor to sort out proper access to his child.

I don't think his mum, being disabled, recovering from cancer, supporting a family member and who has just lost her dog needs to persuade her adult son to do anything to be honest, I think she has enough on her plate.

There MUST surely be someone else who he can help him, a friend, a sibling?

Wasn't meaning to sound harsh, but for goodness sake she has bought him up and worried about him for probably a good twenty odd years, and now when she is probably in her 60s or 70s she has to worry about him all over again, the poor woman needs a break.

Depressed or not weeing on a mattress because you are drunk then sleeping on it is completely disgusting.

Also the OP was just asking what she should say to her friend, I believe she needs a sympathic ear, a distraction (like a weekly invite out of the house), a hug and just to know someone is always there for her.

P.S I am not going to discuss depression.

ameliarate

ClareEmily wrote: »

I don't think his mum, being disabled, recovering from cancer, supporting a family member and who has just lost her dog needs to persuade her adult son to do anything to be honest, I think she has enough on her plate.

There MUST surely be someone else who he can help him, a friend, a sibling?

Wasn't meaning to sound harsh, but for goodness sake she has bought him up and worried about him for probably a good twenty odd years, and now when she is probably in her 60s or 70s she has to worry about him all over again, the poor woman needs a break.


Also the OP was just asking what she should say to her friend, I believe she needs a sympathic ear, a distraction (like a weekly invite out of the house), a hug and just to know someone is always there for her.

P.S I am not going to discuss depression.

Good point, about her having enough on her plate and that the OP could lend a sympathetic ear etc etc.

Unfortunately when you have children you worry about them until you die - it doesn't stop because they are allegedly grown up. He clearly needs help and if he doesn't get it the mum will naturally continue to worry about him so in my opinion although she does need a sympathetic ear etc, etc, she also needs some advice on how to help her son.

I agree a discussion about depression is un-necessary except perhaps to say that if he is suffering from depression he is maybe not thinking straight and therefore doesn't realise quite what he is putting his mum through.

This is a problem that needs a two pronged attack I think.

oystercatcher

I'm with the other poster who said support your friend, you can't come up with answers to the son's problems that is between the two of them.

When my Ex H was drunk and revolting I phoned my best friend and she said "Aren't men horrible !" and that was the right thing it didn't condemn just sympathised . Then through the divorce she listened and supported me visited frequently , never told me what to do or not to do she was there for me ......

So be there for your friend and listen and hopefully she'll find a way round this horrible problem. She and her son have to find their own answers and I'm sure they will sort something out. In the meantime she needs a non judgemental ear.

None of us knows what is round the corner, and sometimes it's just as well ....

Oystercatcher

Rikki

The son should buck his ideas up. Enough 'woe is me' it's about time he stopped wollowing about and thought about what he is putting his Mum through.

To the Op........be the listening ear your friend obviously needs. Make her feel she does have some where to turn and offer advice when she is ready to accept the answers to her situation.

Penny-Pincher!!

I do feel very sorry for the OP's friend but her son needs some sort of MH help.

He hasnt seen his child since last Autumn, his ex is being difficult and it must be bad if he is scared of her too. He is drinking excessively (sp) so much so that he wets the bed....this doesnt sound normal to me.

I would ask for professional help. Telling him to "buck his ideas up" is not really suitable and may make him do something stupid.

She does need you as a friend to listen to her, but I would suggest maybe asking her GP for advice or the local AA or something similar

Hugs to your friend

PP
xx

calleyw

Penny-Pincher!! wrote: »

I would ask for professional help. Telling him to "buck his ideas up" is not really suitable and may make him do something stupid.

When you are depressed the last thing you need is someone telling you to buck your ideas up.

It seems the OP's friend and her son both need extra support but for different reasons.

If you have ever suffered from depression you know how hard it is some days to even get out of bed let alone make and keep an appointment with your GP.

You can scream and shout the odds at someone who is depressed and most of the time the reaction you will get is .

The actions of the son maybe causing the mother stress but at the moment I think she is best to not let it effect her.

I have to deal with a husband who is depressed. Last night he got all upset I asked why and he went "don't know".

According to some I should have booted him up the bum and told him he is lucky to be alive. As his depression has been caused by going from a normal healthy person to someone who had a stroke and now has a non functioning left hand and is great pain when he walks and tired all the time.

I would say to the OP be there for your friend that is all you can do. Only she can deal with her son in the best way possible.

Yours


Calley

Mrs_P_Pincher

Thanks everybody for your comments. I can’t get to see her today, but I have called my friend and had another chat.

She has bought a new mattress but says she is going to ask him for the money for it!

I have suggested that she should ask him to go and see his doctor, but apparently she has already mentioned this to him and he is refusing. Like most men he does not want to ‘take tablets’ and it sounds like both of them are ignoring the possibility of some sort of talking therapy.

His Mum is convinced that if he can get to see his son he will be fine. Personally I don’t think there is any hope of him getting to see the child without a full blown Court fight and I’m not sure he could cope with that in his present state. My experience anyway is that someone with MH and/or alcohol issues is going to get ‘found out’ pretty quickly and this may inevitably cause complications in proceedings. I don’t think he should do anything until he is in better shape and although he knows that I am happy to help him with this, he is not asking me to do anything.

All in all it’s a vicious circle that I think is going to require professional input, but my friend doesn’t see it at the moment, so time to pull back.

Thanks again for your support.

Mrs P P