Do relationships work when one is wealthy and the other is in debt??



  • OberonSH
    OberonSH Posts: 1,792 Forumite
    Have you thought about telling him how you feel about this issue? Its obviously an issue for you at least, and he might not realise how you feel? In our relationship all the debt is mine, but DH says he knew that when we married, and now it's 'our' debt (bless 'im). As he also puts up with my toilet-roll squeezing I should gold plate him really. He's always has a 'spend spend spend' thing going on, but has got a lot better.
    This year I'm getting organised once and for all, and going to buy a house with my wonderful other half. And that' s final!

    Current Pay Off Target : £1500 :mad:
  • HI Icka,

    I think ive got the same take as other people, i dont think its the money, its more the way that you look at money.

    When i OH and i met he was in a lot of debt but attacked it in his own way and now is a lot better off.

    But when we got together between us we had £25 k debt (only 5 K was in my name)

    Since then, we got married, sold and bought several new cars, consolidated , he was made redundant, i started re-training.

    The result of that - we still have £25K debt - only noe £5k of it is in his name, the rest is mine.

    The reason for this is (apart from us being stupid) that we both had a rough time as kids and have a very NOW attitude to belongings - if we want something then we need it and therefore we buy it with whatever we have.

    But because i realsied we couldnt carry on like that things are changing - becuase we have the same attitude to money we are using the same tactics -also im much more stubborn than he is.

    I think ive kinda lost my point in there somewhere, but what im trying to say is if you have the same values you can be happy and can work around it. If you are poles apart in views on something that you see as important (be it money, marriage or children) then in my opinion the relationship can not work.

    Puzzled x
  • icka
    icka Posts: 216 Forumite
    Thanks Oberon I have told him Im in debt, and that I need to pay £4500 for college in September. But he just says dont worry he will pay it.

    You see that just made me annoyed with him, he was trying to be the nicest person in the whole world by doing that. But its my pride and pig headedness that wont allow it. I didnt want him to pay, that wasnt why I told him, I told him so he would understand why I cant do certain things.

    I know everyone is probably saying "what is she complaining about". But at least Im not a gold digger and I want to pay for my own education and clear my own debt.

    Im making sense in my own head, or was now I just feel stupid
    Thread softly becuase you thread on my dreams
  • Jacks_xxx
    Jacks_xxx Posts: 3,874 Forumite
    Sweetie, why don't you tell him that he's a lovely man and you thank him from the bottom of your heart for wanting to help you out - but paying for your own education is something you want to take reponsibility for yourself, and that it's a matter of personal pride for you that you do.

    However...if, now and again, he wanted to treat you to one of those lovely festivals or trips away that you wouldn't normally be able to afford to go on - then that would make him just about the best boyfriend ever! :D (Cue big snog!)

    So that way you're not rejecting his help altogether (Cos he might interpret that as a rejection of *him* ) but you get to keep your independence and self respect as well as have some treats once in a while. :dance:

    (Everyone's boyfriend is allowed to spoli them now and again aren't they? No matter how independent they may be! ;):D )

    It's not about the money honey it's quite possibly about you not being able to let people help you because that puts you in the "inferior" position of needing help.

    Perhaps you need to find a way in your head to redefine the boundaries a little for your boyfriend and feel Ok about it?

    Sorry for the psychoanalysis hon, but it's really not about the money. It's about what the money represents to you.

    Love Jacks xxx :D
    Not everything that can be counted counts, and not everything that counts can be counted. Einstein
  • Milly1974
    Milly1974 Posts: 254 Forumite
    I have to agree with Jacks here, that sounds like a good solution.

    I have always been hideously independant. My mum reckons I wanted to move out before I could walk! However, I have to accept that my OH wants to help me, and that refusing his help altogether will be a horrible thing to do. It is all about compromise.

    I have to agree that a boyfriend is definately allowed to treat his girlfriend every now and then. My treats are usually a bar of nice chocolate and a massage, but I have no doubt that if himself had the funds, he would love to whisk me away to all sorts of nice places for weekends. Maybe if you let your boyfriend treat you to a weekend away, you can treat him with a massage or cook his favourite dinner in return?
    OD £lots Egg Card £329.04 Parents £650 Sofa £741.78
  • icka
    icka Posts: 216 Forumite
    Thanks Jacks and millie you are totally right its not actually about money at the end of the day. It about self confidence and the "am I good enough" syndrome.

    Thanks for helping me figure this out

    xxxx Seriously Thank you you have really helped
    Thread softly becuase you thread on my dreams
  • djr_fox
    djr_fox Posts: 13 Forumite
    Good morning,

    About three years ago, I met my current girlfriend (soon to be Fiancee) I earnt alot more than she did. However, I was always making the mistake of putting too much into MY savings account and by week three of the month, she had to sub me as I never had enough money. Looking back on that, I cannot understand how I was so selfish to expect her to pay for my mistake when she earnt alot less than me.
    Now she has to pay a Career Development Loan back this time next year and it is always a good idea to talk about these things before it actually happens. She and I both pay equal amounts into the mortgage/bills/food and we have said that she will lower her payments and I will increase mine accordingly.
    As in life, it is always best to talk things through before they actually happen.
    Credit Card - 10,261.46 8000
    Loan from Parents -
    2166.85 2031.42
    Student Loan -
    2292.222332.25 (my miscalculation)
    Total Debt @ 29/08/2014:
    14,720.53 12363.67
    Why is there so much month left at the end of my money?
  • Hello,
    In my relationship, I've been with my boyfriend for 2 and 1/2 years, we are both 20 brut he has been working full time since he left school, whereas I have been doing the A levels and University thing. I have had a part time job throughout and with my student budget have had to learn to save. He on the other hand earns upwards of £750 a month after tax and still lives at home yet saves none of it. We are hoping to move in together in a year or two but it really concerns me that he has no saving ability and no experience of the amount of income eaten up by rent etc. I Know I'm the one with the student loan and "debt" but feel he will be the one dragging us down. Just another perspective on how money effects young relationships! Hope I helped
  • HBFS
    HBFS Posts: 1,285 Forumite
    Usually I have been the one earning the most in my relationships. So it's never bothered me to be honest. I doubt I'd have a problem when the boots on the other foot either.
    Democracy is the theory that the common people know what they want, and deserve to get it good and hard.
  • fudgecat
    fudgecat Posts: 289 Forumite
    First Anniversary Combo Breaker First Post
    My daughter met a very nice man of 37 when she was 17. They lived together for five years and during that time she was at university on student loan with part time work at the weekends while he was earning a salary that put him into higher rate tax. They had a beautiful apartment with country views.
    Ultimately the relationship failed, although he proposed to her just before the end. My daughter stubbornly tried to pay her way (hence the weekend jobs), although for a couple of trips he did pay for tickets, flights, hotels, etc. The money did ultimately cause friction and prevented them seing as much of each other as is needed in a relationship, because of my daughter`s part time work.
    When a row got nasty the money issue would be raised and used as a weapon, although apologised for afterwards. The age difference did not help. Both nice, decent, hardworking and honest people, they missed each other in earning capacity and in time. Very sad.
    Debt September 2020 BIG FAT ZERO!
    Now mortgage free, sort of retired, reducing and reusing and putting money away for grandchildren...
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