Do relationships work when one is wealthy and the other is in debt??

Pippilongstocking

Its strange I have to say - having come from a marriage (allbeit 10 years ago) where everything was pooled.

Then again, he say's he sees the bigger picture - and is getting himself debt free for all of us etc.

(wonder if that includes the 4 expensive bikes he has......:))

I hope I don't resent it - but I do know that my financial life would be instantly unheadached if I knew that we combined income, I wouldn't waste any of it at all - iits not mine, but it would be nice to feel as if I had a cushion.

If I am struggling I can ask for a sub etc - but my pride mostly gets in the way. Stuborn lady!!

tirlittan

My ex earned 4 times as much as me, but he was also 12 years older than me. He had his own house and I moved in with him really quickly, within a month. Year after I decided to go to college then university. Uni I funded myself (by student loan and working), but when I was back at home, he paid for everything, I occasionally did some food shopping. We went on skiing holidays, learned to scuba dive and our last summer together he bought me a motorbike, which I was supposed to pay him back (when we split up I couldn’t afford it so he sold it).

I always had a car to use and would pay for the petrol. I never felt like I was sponging off him. He earned more and liked treating me and it was nice to have all the holidays, meals out, gigs etc. In the end it didn’t work out, but it wasn’t to do with money, we just weren’t compatible and I think sometimes the life style came in the way of finding this out. 5 years later when we finally broke up (we split up for a year when I wanted to go travelling, which I paid for myself plus got in debt), I was left with nothing (not that I wanted anything off him as it was all his, but I realised that though it all felt mine when we were in love, it was only ‘borrowed’).

And when you get used to a certain standard of living, it was hard to give it all up. In uni I spent my money quite freely, bought loads of clothes and shoes with my money and only occasionally thought that even with working some weekends, I couldn’t actually afford to live this way. But my partner’s free attitude to money had rubbed off on me. So I had taste for all this good stuff, but after break up, couldn’t afford to live that way.

Most of my money problems stem from that time. I got to credit card debt from my travels and uni time and I’m still paying it off after 5 years, because when we split up, I had to find a place of my own, needed a car to travel to work etc.

Now I have a new BF, 6 months this Saturday coming (J)! He earns twice as much as me, again, has his own house (which he bought with his ex and then had to pay her off). We are taking it slowly, sometimes I think he’s bit reserved and I think this is due to his last relationship. We haven’t yet talked about money (much) or moving in together and I think it’s bit early for us. But I really like him and know that he likes me. Since coming to MSE, I have spoken to him about not affording to go out that much etc. and having to be careful with money and he said “as long as you don’t have a problem that sometimes I want to take you out and treat you”. We are both very much our own people and do things separately. And I want to be on an equal footing with him. I don’t mind him treating me now and again at all, but mostly prefer to be able to pay my way. Now that I have seriously started thinking about clearing my debt and not just letting it hang over me, I want to have another chat with my BF. If he’s the one, then he’ll understand and we can work out what works for us and what I can afford and if not, then how ever hard it is, he’s got to go. You do have look after number 1 first. But I think he’ll understand as long as I understand that he does have money to go on holidays and weekends away with his mates. We’ll see what happens, so far his trips hasn’t bothered me because my own life is quite full. I do hope this one will work.

Sorry to go on ,but it’s nice to get it out of my chest and know that others here will understand. Thanks. x

Pippilongstocking

Yeah its very wierd isnt it - presents are a night mare, I can only afford something wee - he is extravagent!

Maybe he feels like he gets the bumm deal!

Nice to hear your story too - there's clearly lots of ups and downs with it all

runmichellerun

I went out with a guy early last year who was about 4x richer than me. I hated it. He had this lifestyle that he wanted, so every Saturday we'd go into town, he'd buy me a slap up meal and then we'd go out for drinks after and meet some mutual friends. He paid for almost everything, although I pitched in when i could.

The thing is, I would have been just as happy sat at home watching a DVD with a bottle of cheap wine but he wanted this lifestyle, and I went along with it.

Once we went bowling and I insisted on paying - he made some smart remark about me paying for something at last! That was the beginning of the end for me.

I broke up with him after 5 months and felt so happy about it. I missed him though, as he was good company.

Sadly, our mutual 'friends' had apparently decided behind my back that I was a gold digger, and so I'm not friends with them now. It made me so angry because I wasn't the one who wanted to spend the money!! Who needs friends like that?

jellyspoons

I guess I'm in the opposite situation to most people here. I'm just starting my second year of a good job, and have a boyfriend (of 5 years) who has been a student for 6 years, although has now started his first job this month. I come from a fairly well off family who supported me through uni, and my boyfriend comes from a family with lots of debts (which they never talk about) and v little money.

Consequently over the last 5 years I've helped out my BF quite a lot with money. We also set up a joint account about 2 years ago which we both pay 50 quid into each month. The joint money usually goes pretty quickly on food bills and petrol, and treats I normally pay for.

My BF seems to have money troubles on a fairly regular basis (generally not his fault!), and for me, I don't really care about money as long as I have enough to live on, so it makes more sense to me to help my BF out. Sometimes that's by transferring a couple of hundred quid when he's run out of money, or occasionally by paying off his credit card bill of £1000:eek: . I've also helped him out by paying for flights for holidays for both of us. I love him and would rather help him out so he didn't waste money on debts/interest, I also hate seeing him stressed out by money problems when I have money sitting in the bank! And what's the point in holidays by yourself??

I guess we're both fairly sure that we're gonna be together longterm, so that makes it feel less weird to share money now. Also, BF is on track to get a really good job so I'm counting on him looking after me in my old age!:D

The weird thing about our situation is I'm more of a natural saver than my BF! He comes from a family where his mum - despite debts, no pension, v little available cash etc etc - feels the need to buy really expensive M+S food when we visit for the weekend. She'll stock the fridge/freezer with way more food than we can eat and then have to throw it away. BF tends to be the same and finds it hard to spend less than 30 quid when buying a few extra food items. Occasionally I get a bit exasperated when he's spent money on treats when I wouldn't have done, but it happens pretty rarely.

I guess people might think I'm crazy and I suppose logically they're right. But when you trust someone and love someone, it makes sense that "what's mine is yours and what's yours is mine". It works for us anyhow!

Right, I'll sit here and wait for the messages to come in telling me I'm a romantic fool! :rotfl:

JonnyBravo

Badger_Lady wrote: »

I met my recent partner about 3 months ago. I kicked out a lodger and we agreed to leave the room empty so that partner could move in (and start paying rent once employed). He also had to travel up and down the country a few times (guess who paid?), and in my show-off dating style I tried to take him out and show him a good time. Combined with paying all his other living expenses while he was with me.

When I checked my bank balance last week, I was £1,500 in the red, after having been debt-free and comfortable for over a year :mad: (I should point out that the original debt was caused by a man and I wasn't even showing off to that one).

Forgot to mention - he keeps mentioning me to other people as "she's, like, a millionaire!!"

I'm sorry but he is so dumped!

Sorry to hear it's not working out BL. I remember your Big Badger House thread and remember the news of BF's arrival on the scene again.
I think I wanted to post about it "smelling fishy" but resisted.... I remember others were warning you though... and glad you seem to have kept your feet on the ground.
Good luck.

bargainbetty

OK, two sides to the story.

I dated a guy recently who earned less than a third of what I did. He couldn't afford to go out much, so we stayed in a lot, which he complained about. I suggested we have a cheap dinner somewhere, and ended up paying for it too, since he said was broke, once we had ordered! He spent all his time telling me he wanted to study and get a better job, and I helped him find a course that would start him off. He went and spent the money on a Wii instead, and asked if he could bring it to my place, since he couldn't afford for us to go out for the rest of the week. He then asked for my help sorting out baliffs who were after him for non-payment of council tax.

He never found out exactly what I earned, because I realised very quickly that his attitude to money was very different from mine. I earn a good wage, but I live within those means, and any holidays, shopping etc that I enjoy, I enjoy with cash, not credit. It was one of the many reasons we broke up after less than two months.

On the reverse, at the same time my flatmate, who is not the wealthiest chap, as he has ploughed everything he has into starting a business, started dating an extremely wealthy young woman (well, Daddy was minted and she had a Gold Card). Lovely to start with, but although he tried to pay at least his own way if not hers as well (he is a gentleman), it became difficult.

He explained his lack of funds, but she still wanted to go to Mahiki and Chinawhite to 'be seen'. Her idea of a quiet Saturday afternoon was to go to Harrods!! She had absolutely no concept of the value of money, or the advantages it gave her. He, like me a street rat from the council estates, has had to fight for every penny, and the completely shallow, vacuous and selfish princess routine really started to grate on him (and me, I'll be honest).

That's not necessarily just money though - that was also her - but the point is they had no common attitude towards money, resources or life in general.

I suppose that is more important than the difference in relative wealth - the attitude to money and how it can/should be used.

bargainbetty

OK, two sides to the story.

I dated a guy recently who earned less than a third of what I did. He couldn't afford to go out much, so we stayed in a lot, which he complained about. I suggested we have a cheap dinner somewhere, and ended up paying for it too, since he said was broke, once we had ordered! He spent all his time telling me he wanted to study and get a better job, and I helped him find a course that would start him off. He went and spent the money on a Wii instead, and asked if he could bring it to my place, since he couldn't afford for us to go out for the rest of the week. He then asked for my help sorting out baliffs who were after him for non-payment of council tax. :eek:

He never found out exactly what I earned, because I realised very quickly that his attitude to money was very different from mine. I earn a good wage, but I live within those means as I have no other financial support or family wealth, and any holidays, shopping etc that I enjoy, I pay for with cash, not credit. It was one of the many reasons we broke up after less than two months.

On the reverse, at the same time my flatmate, who is not the wealthiest chap, as he has ploughed everything he has into starting a business, started dating an extremely wealthy young woman (well, Daddy was minted and she had a Gold Card). Lovely to start with, but although he tried to pay at least his own way if not hers as well (he is a gentleman), it became difficult.

He explained his lack of funds, but she still wanted to go to Mahiki and Chinawhite to 'be seen'. :rolleyes: Her idea of a quiet Saturday afternoon was to go to Harrods!! She had absolutely no concept of the value of money, or the advantages it gave her, and had no real interests beyond buying things. He, like me a street rat from the council estates, has had to fight for every penny, and the completely shallow, vacuous and selfish princess routine really started to grate on him (and me, I'll be honest).

That's not necessarily just money though - that was also her - but the point is they had no common attitude towards money, resources or life in general.

I suppose that is more important than the difference in relative wealth - the attitude to money and how it can/should be used.

icka

Hi bargin Betty

thank you for your reply and I really hope you are not offended by my reply. I have re read your post three times and each time I am coming to the same conclusion. Your flat mate and you sound like you both have the same out looks in life, have similar interests and come from a similar back ground.

Did you ever think of perhaps, maybe getting together in a romantic way.? Or am I way off the mark. Feel like Cilla Black, hopeless romantic at heart

ManPants

Hello!

I found this topic really interesting!

When I met my partner I was a newly qualified staff nurse living in my friends house with outstanding student debts. He by comparisson, had his own car, home, investments and earned pop stars wages compared to mine. Four years later we're still together, bought a house together 3 years ago and my finances have improved dramatically. Not because he has bailed me out but because his sensible attitude to money has rubbed off on me. He is also very realistic about the fact that he worked his way up through his job whilst I went to university ............twice! In terms of finances I'm left wondering if the old fashioned way of working your way through life holds you in better stead than multiple qualifications and years at uni!!

Perhaps I am in a fortunate position because unlike "normal" people, as a nurse my income can increase by my working extra shifts. In the earlier days my partner did loan me money but I always paid him back because I a) am like that but b) didn't want him to think I was only with him for his money.

When we bought our house he kept his other house and rented it out and he also put down a massive deposit on our house which was written into the legal papaers so if we split it would be recognised. After that we opened joint accounts and direct debited equal money each into our joint accounts from our individual accounts. It means that each month we pay equal monies into our joint accounts but I'm left with less of my own spending money in my own current account.

As the years have gone past I've been promoted twice and consequently my income has increased twice and although I am still majorly dragging behind him I at least feel a bit better about about how much I earn. He has always, and continues to pay for more than me but sees me contributing and planning our future together and I think that is enough for him not to think twice about the fact I earn a lot less.

Lastly, I think couples with vastly varying incomes and their success are dependant on the individuals themselves and there are no hard and fast rules to success but I would definately say to the poorer of the two not to take advantage of the others money and don't take it as read that you're entitled to a chunk of it!!

Good Luck!