today, I bury my father.

McKneff

dear james

i am so sorry for your loss,

be dignified at all times, look people straight in the eye and turn away.

The no alcohol is the best idea, My youngest brother said it helped him cope when we had to bury another brother. Yes it was upsetting but the drink made him worse, doing stupid things even in the crematorium and the more he drank the worse is behaviour became even to the point of insulting and deeply hurting the only two sisters he has left.

Be strong today and you can hold your head up tomorrow

specialK

Sending you my condolences.
From experience, any trouble at a funeral is usually caused by bitter people. I mean bitter in every sense of the word. They thrive on reaction and then can't wait to relay their disgust to anyone willing to listen, on how 'x' caused an uproar at their own 'x's funeral.
You have made you wishes known and people should respect them. Anyone who fails to do so will be remembered as an a s s.
Do try to rise above it, anything needing to be said can wait for another day.

It reminds me of when my friends Dad died. He was not with her Mum, he had had an affair years earlier. In the end they became friends again. My friend wanted her Dad at home and told the 'Mistress' she was welcome any time. She played the victim and never went near. Her whole family were out for trouble on the day of the funeral. I was being shoved and pushed around the church. In response, I just gave a small smile and said sorry. The whole day, a gang of about 12 of them tried their best for reaction. Christmas that year, my friend was with her Mum in a supermarket and saw the sister and niece of her Dads GF, they both said something which I would not repeat on a message board, to my friends Mum. My friend just flipped and jumped at them, there was food all over the place and security guards flew over. Once they were outside my friend told him what she had said, he said I don't blame you girl, give her a smack for me and walked back into the store.
OK, it's wrong to act in this way even if provoked. But some people look for it. There will always be another time, another place.

So my little theory is, today is for honouring your Fathers memory. Anyone who chooses to deny him this right will be remembered for it. If you react, it will be you that is remembered as the Son who caused trouble at his own Fathers funeral.

I'm sure your Dad will help you keep strong today.

hunny33

sorry for your loss, even if its expected losing someone you love hurts, both my parents are gone and funerals are not the greatest!
my little advice is to that you are there for your father, don't be drawn in to arguments today, today is to celabrate a life well lived.

my thoughts are with you

charlies_mum

Sorry for your loss

My Dad lived in wardened accommodation, and at the get-together after the funeral, one of the old dears announced quite openely that she had contacted the housing association, and would be having his flat :mad:

I will never know how I held my tongue, but I am so pleased I did.

Errata

So sorry to hear your sad news. What worked for me in very similar circumstances was to be ultra polite, courteous and dignified and behave in the way that wouldn't have shamed the person I was burying.
Emotions run high when someone dies and people are capable of sayig and doing the most bizarre things. You'll see it all from a different perspective in six months time. Don't worry about crying, not everyone does, and sometimes something needs to trigger it - I watched Black Beauty on the telly months afterwards and then sobbed my heart out for all the horses and for the person who'd died.

ailuro2

ok, missed this post while I was at work , but this is what I'd have said to you...

Take the moral high ground, rise above it and be the bigger man... you don't have to stand up for yourself, or be too strong to cry either. It sound slike you've lost a wonderful father and a treasured friend. That is indeed a loss to you. Grief does strange things to people, try not to hold it against them if they act strangely. Funerals are difficult things, no-one knows how to behave, what to say, and with all the underlying tensions they are a breeding ground for downright awful remarks.

As I said, try to be the bigger man, your Dad would be proud to have raised his boy to act like a real man.;)

As for no drink- that's a refreshing way to keep people from doing things they'll regret, well done for that bit of forward planning.

jamescredmond

thanks for all the posts.

I took my own advice (plus all the advice here) in the end and kept a low profile.

it all went remarkably well, given the circumstances. I simply steered clear of the small number of people with 'issues'. there was only one attempt at wind-up, when someone asked me how I thought the funeral went!! I said 'fine' and no more.

I did have a drink (quite a few, as it happens), but only after the wake and with a couple of friends.

thank you all for your comments.

Stephb1986_2

I'm glad it went well for you. Some people just can't help themselves can they?

At the end of the day they have to live with themselves let them get on with it they aren't worth the hassle.

Take care

Steph xx

elona

Well done on not rising to the bait.

Your Dad would have been proud of you.

charlies_mum

Glad it all went well, your Dad would be so proud of you.