today, I bury my father.

jamescredmond

later today, I'll attend my father's funeral.

he died old and frail, but he lived a good, honest life and I'm proud of him.

I haven't cried (too much of a blokey bloke for that), but others have, which is to be expected.

what I wasn't expecting, however, was the reaction of some family members, whose comments against other family members - including me - range from snide to downright abusive.

i've long heard of family fall-outs at funerals but, perhaps naively, I was hoping my family would rise above this type of behaviour.

I don't look for sympathy, just a bit of advice.

I plan to say nothing inflammatory today ( but, by God, I've got enough ammunition) and I won't respond to any baiting. this isn't the time/place.
but I've got a bit of a temper and I may well explode this time next month if I'm pushed.

my OH thinks I should stand my ground and attack anyone who dares to snipe. (don't let 'em get away with it, etc.)

a rock and a hard place.

surely not every bereavement entails this?

cookie54

sorry for your loss

I was brought up to speak no ill of the died but this is no longer the case .
When my dad died suddenly when I was 17 there was a massive wake and we saw lots of family members we never heard or saw of again.so what i would suggest is a quick hello and good bye to those who are going to cause problem and then move on to those who have come to pay thier respects and not because they have too .

also i would limit the drink if need be as too much can cause more problems

PLEASE TRY TO DO WHAT BEST FOR YOU AS THIS WOULD BE THE BEAST WAY TO REMEBER YOUR DAD.

WILL BE THINKING OF YOU

FIONA

lavidaloca

Condolences to you and your family. I think you have the right idea to say nothing today as it isn't the right time and place. Just remember your father today and the good life that he had.

Stephb1986_2

sorry to hear of your loss im thinking of you and your family at this sad time.

Just dont rise to it today of all days wait until its all over and done with then let them have it.

my mum has had quite a few problems with her family but its all over and done with now.

Steph xx

Surfbabe

Thinking of you today - I've the funeral of my cousin tomorrow - he committed suicide.

Anyway - rise above the back stabbing - its your time to remember your dad and you obviously loved him. The others will get the comeuppance in the future and if they are petty enough to start anything today they deserve your wrath later on.

Keep strong

Paparika

I think there is that element of nastiness when a family member dies, then the battle of who can get their hands on what, 'he said i could have this' 'she promised this to me'.

When my dear nan died a few years back it was the first time in 20 years that all the family came together, the last time was when we buried her husband, and all the complaints this time round was my aunty who was spoilt as a child and the closest to my nan, had been spending nan's money for herself, nan did change bank accounts to stop this, but funny how money left in a tin disappeared, she was the one who decided to clear nan's house out. I was a favourite grandchild but as i grew older i didn't see nan as often as i could/should and i just wanted a picture of her with my granddad, i didn't get it. But thanks to my parents i did get a photocopy of a manuscript her sister had written years ago which was a treasure i will always keep.

Good luck for today, like its been said already, lay off the booze, bite your tongue and let them fight it out amongst themselves.

This day is to bury your dad and to remember him, you've already started that by making this post, you have your OH supporting you. all the best.

neiltat

Best of luck to you today. You're right its best to to let today pass without any trouble. It always amazes me when families always seem to fall out when there is a death. I know a lot of it is just dealing with grief but you shouldn't have to put up with any abuse when you're meant to be remembering your father.

I hope it all goes as well as it can

jamescredmond

thanks.

I've insisted 'no alcohol'.

it will be interesting/depressing to see how this unfolds.

I think I'll use some dignity and say nothing under provocation.

but someone said: remember the compliments and ignore the insults. if you can do this, tell me how.

we'll see.

celyn90

I hope everything goes okay for you today. I'm really sorry that there is some unpleasentness Sadly funerals these days do tend to be a time when people don't behave with the dignity they should. I do think you are right when you say you should try to let things pass as quietly as you can; it isn't the time bite back as an attack will only breed more antipathy and tempers can flare very quickly in an emotional situation.

If someone starts on you, you can gently remind them that you know they are grieving too, but you are disappointed that they chose to air their issues at this time, then turn round and walk away. If you raise your voice or respond to somebody like that then you have lost as they have got the response they are after by being like that. Walking away does not mean they get away with it; quite the opposite in fact - it is the stronger thing to do IMO.

This is a time for rememberance and quiet reflection, hopefully everyone else should respect that.

Will be thinking of you today. cel x

Pssst

Funerals are funny things...when my fathers partner died we had a string of incredibly insensitive people,neighbours and "friends" of his,who tried to get their foot in the door to buy his old house before it went on the market. This was even before the poor old guy had been cremated! It just goes to prove one of my pet theories, that it is natural for people to be selfish.

My best wishes to you. Just try to relax and contemplate but push all other things to the back of your mind. A weekend away somewhere peaceful would help. Ignore any comments. It is unproductive to react and respond to them.

floss2

I'm sorry for your loss.

I think you have the right attitude - no alcohol, bite your tongue and be dignified. If nothing else, at least you are not lowering yourself to their level.

When the time is right, you can tell people what you think of them & their behaviour - but today is not the day.

Thinking of you. Please don't be thinking you are too much of a bloke to cry, even "real men" cry when they need to and it is a release of emotion that may be very much needed given the circumstances. My brothers all cried after my dad's and my mum's deaths.