Can I legally stop an ex-relative contacting my children?

Mandles

Hard situation. I hate facebook and bebo & all that especially with some warnings on tv and others from undesirables / or paedophiles pretending to be their age and chatting to them & checking my kids accounts(had some paedophile meet some girls really near where i lived after contacting them on bebo) .Also some of the people my kids were talking to freaked me out so they are not allowed on it anymore and i encourage the good old fashioned way of actually telephoning friends or getting of their backsides to visit frends or invite them around. Might be a bit drastic for you , especially if you don't feel the same way, but it's an answer to not letting them be contacted online!

sarymclary

Thanks Mandles. I have considered all of that, but realise if he's determined enough to maintain contact he could just go to a friend's to use their PC. His Myspace was set up at a friend's originally anyway. It's difficult to retain any 'control' (couldn't think of another word, but that sounds awful) over who they see anymore. I could only be contacted by knocking at our front door, or the telephone as a kid, but now it come into the home without you knowing. Hey, they can even access the internet on their phones, and if someone more sinister is of a mind to top up their phone credit remotely, you have no idea if they're safe.

As it is, my BF took it upon himself to remove the PC from the house yesterday and take it to his, when we discovered that my 14 y/o had also signed himself up to an over 18's !!!!!! site (only discovered when I accessed his email account because of the in-laws situation). I have under 10's going on that PC, so it's really not appropriate all round, but he is ONLY 14 - that isn't even mid-teens yet, and he may think he's a grown up, and that all adults are idiots, but I remember what being a 14 yr old is like, and I was like that too, but I really had no idea about the world, and I'm sure he doesn't either.

skylight

This was drastic action we took with SD, who is now 17. Its not related to your query, but may help with his grown-up attitude on the computer.

Basically, I set up a fake bebo account last year with a plucked from elsewhere picture of a teenage girl and SD accepted me as a friend at her old school - she had put all her school details etc on the account. After several weeks of chatting about the boys (who were all friends as well and I even managed to get on several of their accounts too) I asked if we should meet. She was horrified to find me and Dad at the cinema instead of her "friend". It really hammered home the point about people not being who they claim and she cleared up her accounts pretty quickly.

robpw2

skylight wrote: »

This was drastic action we took with SD, who is now 17. Its not related to your query, but may help with his grown-up attitude on the computer.

Basically, I set up a fake bebo account last year with a plucked from elsewhere picture of a teenage girl and SD accepted me as a friend at her old school - she had put all her school details etc on the account. After several weeks of chatting about the boys (who were all friends as well and I even managed to get on several of their accounts too) I asked if we should meet. She was horrified to find me and Dad at the cinema instead of her "friend". It really hammered home the point about people not being who they claim and she cleared up her accounts pretty quickly.

wow i would love to have seen her face,

i think you showed her in the best possible way the dangers of the web and what can happen when you meet etc .

Surely did this not destroy any trust that she has in you?

i

sarymclary

Hi,

I thought I'd give an update on things.

I spoke to both my older 2 boys this evening, and rather than just asking 'why?', instead I asked them to ask me any questions about the relatives and the issue surrounding them they had, or anything else, and promised I would give a very honest answer (also pointing out that if they wanted a censored reply I'd do that too).

They were a bit shocked by some of the information, and it's clear that they were a bit confused about the events surrounding their father's death. I had to tell them some things I had hoped to keep unsaid, but on reflection it's probably better that they are fully informed. Funnily enough it's interesting that they then had some negative memories about their relatives, and rather than just focusing on the 'good' times, they realised they had some not so nice memories too. Fortunately they weren't around to witness the nastier events.

Between them they openly discussed how they felt about them, and my eldest son said he had never wanted to have contact with them anyway, and still didn't. My 14 y/o said he now understood why there was a family split, and it wasn't just me bearing a massive 'grudge'. He also realised that for his safety he'd been kept away from them, and regrets having made contact.

I think he's still curious as to why they wanted to see him again, and I'm sure that won't go away, but with more information he can at least be aware of what he might be in for if he did contact them in the future. I told him I couldn't control what he did, but I do have my own point of view and wishes about it, and I couldn't change my mind about that, but he could now be in no doubt as to how I felt, and why.

He now says he wants to make it clear to them not to try to approach him again, but is unsure how to do it, so I've said maybe to compile an email, and allow his older brother to have some input too.

I do think he felt very guilty about upsetting his younger brothers, and making them feel frightened by it all, so has promised to reassure them tomorrow about it.

Whilst I do not think this really will be an end to it (I think the sis-i-l will continue to pursue them for a good few years to come), I do hope that for the time being it will calm things down. It hasn't been easy for me to go over the details of my husband's death again with them, as I still find it very painful, and despite his problems I always loved him, but unfortunately he did some bad things along the way that I would rather my children didn't have to be aware of, so trying to be truthful, but careful with the facts is tricky. I try to honour their memories and feelings and his memory for them, so that they can have something positive to focus on too.

Thanks again for all who gave some input.

mum2one

If you dont mind me saying, you are an extremely wonderful and careing person, and from a quick flick through the post you have only ever put the best interests of the children first.

Long story in a nut shell, dd dad and me split up when 7mths gone, (shes nearly 6), voilence etc etc, solicitors involved, then he went quiet, (thank god), but last yr his parents wrote to my solicitor trying to mend bridges, I was stupid enough to feel sorry for them, big mistake in 8 months I went through hell and back, their other son, they promised they would not contact dd dad (their relative), unfortunately they abused the position.
Thankfully a new solicitor and a couple of letters have done the trick. I did not have to go down the injunction route.
The agreement is when dd 18, she will be given the option of seeing the solicitors letters, but maybe in 12 yrs times they may not be around. Thats not meant cold heartly, just may be the case, they have ill health.
You have done the best thing, obviuosly there matters you didnt want to bring out in the open but have done, it may be worth getting some info from Parentline plus, they have info leaflets, try and keep copies of info, so that in years to come it wont just be your word, your have the back up.

Or ring around, as most solicitors do a free 30 min slot, and you may get some advice that route, they may explain your options, and then you can go from there.


I appriciate that some people reading my reply, will think I am a cold hearted woman, but unless they walked a mile in my shoes, they wouldnt know.

Good luck.

Gingham_Ribbon

Sounds like you handled it well. Nasty situation to be put in though. If you're still worried, it might be worth telling school, especially if she's trying to meet him at lunch times.

fwiw, my oldest is 4 and I just told him yesterday that I have a grandma that we never see. All he knows is that she was mean to us and it's best we stay away from her. (And hell will freeze over before he goes anywhere near her though I didn't tell him that bit.) Sometimes families are 'tricky'!

duchy

sarymclary wrote: »

Our address, phone numbers, email addresses, and photographs of all of my children have been accessed on his page,

:eek: :eek: What the heck was he thinking putting that much info on a facebook page ? Undesirable family apart it's a crazy thing to do regardless.

robpw2

it is crazy duchy but facebook allows you to put that info and unless a child realises how dangerous a situation it is to give that info then they wil continue to do so

msmicawber

That must have been very difficult for you, sarymclary, but it sounds that now your children are better informed, they'll be more thoughtful and cautious in their dealings with your in-laws. I'm sure, as you say, that this isn't over, but at least you've kept the lines of communication open with your youngsters which I think will serve you and them well in the future.

Best wishes.