Can I legally stop an ex-relative contacting my children?

sarymclary

Hi,

I've got a really difficult situation at home, and I'm not sure how to deal with it, so I'm turning to you guys for a bit of wisdom!!

Briefly, the situation is this:
when my husband died 4.5 yrs ago my in-laws turned against me and my children (1 sis-i-l physically attacked me & my sister unprovoked). They behaved really nastily towards us, tried to get my husband secretly buried without our knowledge, and much more. As a consequence, they have remained estranged from us ever since. They didn't even attend the funeral of my husband that other friends & family came to.

Since then there has been no contact, although I was aware that the violent sis-i-l had been putting messages on her Friends Reunited page, had got a Myspace, Facebook & Bebo, all aimed at making contact with my children. Whilst I have been visiting my goddaughter this weekend, my 16 y/old son was contacted online via Facebook by this sis-i-l. He didn't respond, and deleted the message. My 14 y/old saw this, and has then found them on Facebook and added them as friends to his account. They have subsequently been chatting online, and I get the impression that she has tried to organise meeting him during a school lunchtime. The aim of this has all been to be behind my back, and she (if not he) is fully aware that contact between them is a big no go. They aren't nice people on the whole, have a history of a lot of mental issues, and I know this person well enough to know that the aim of this is to undermine me, and to stir things up here. No one has ever stood up to her before like I did, and just said 'no, enough is enough'. They abandoned the children when they were at their most vulnerable and upset, and to blame them for the death of their father (who drank himself to death) was unwarranted and nasty, although at the time I took it, and tried to understand that this was their way of dealing with the grief, although my husband and his sisters were completely estranged several years before his death, and always seemed to have a very frosty relationship.

So, what, if anything, can I do to stop her continuing to make contact? I have blocked her as a friend on the Facebook now, although I think I'm going to have to insist he deletes the account, but she has now tried to be added as a friend on his Hotmail account (she probably saw his email details on his Facebook page), and has asked if it's 'safe to speak?', suspecting I presume that I was back home. I wasn't, it was just that I found out via my 16 y/old what had been going on. He doesn't want anything to do with them, and my younger 2 children are absolutely terrified that they'll try to come to get them (based on the nastiness that happened after their dad's death).

My natural instinct as a mother is to protect them from these people, I know them very well, and know they can only have a negative influence on my children, who have done really well in the aftermath of losing their dad. The one who has had contact is the most vulnerable, has a lot of behavioural problems, and needs the most guidance. I'm concerned that they now see him as a replacement for my husband because they referred to him as a little-XXXX (insert husband's name). They have practically martyrd my husband after his death, and are in complete denial about his having been an alcoholic, so I feel there is a hidden agenda that can't be healthy for a 14 y/old to have to step into.

I don't know if she is legally able to pursue my 14 y/old, or what steps I could take to ensure she respects our family decision to not have contact. She has 2 children herself, who I would never have dreamed of trying to contact, as I would feel it inappropriate to do so as the families are so disconnected.

Thoughts and any suggestions welcome.

Incisor

I can see where you are coming from, and about the only help I can give is that you are not going to win this situation by controlling it - eg I think I'm going to have to insist he deletes the account - as the button which gets pressed is the one which says 'Do not press'.

When you say what steps I could take to ensure she respects our family decision to not have contact? what do you mean by 'our family decision'? Because it looks to me like 14year old is not bought into that decision.

I get this funny feeling that what I have written above might not go down too well with you and that you will criticise me for not providing an answer to your problem. But I do think you need to take on board these aspects, as part of dealing with your problem.

msmicawber

I know that it's very hard when you don't get on with an ex's relatives (I appreciate that in your case your husband is dead and not estranged), but your relationships are different from those of your children. I think the best thing to do would be to talk to your children and explain your feelings and concerns, then leave it to them to decide. If you try and impose your will on your children, it may well backfire and/or cause a rift between you and them.

belfastgirl23

I agree with the others. The thing with teenagers is that the more you ban something the more they want to do it. And these people are your childrens' family too.

Whilst I share all your apprehensions I think it's important that you support them in whatever decisions they take. The last thing you want is them seeing your husband's family behind your back and then having to deal with any fallout on their own. And this is probably what will happen if you go the banning route - sorry....

skylight

Assuming you have discussed with 14yo - what does he say about it? Its difficult because they are vulnerable at this stage and will listen to the "truth" from anyone but Mum!

Perhaps a long chat with him about how you feel about his contact, how upsetting it is and how hurt you still are about what they did to you as a family. Tell him that you would appreciate it if he did not contact them at all for now, but emphasise that onces he's 18 he can do more or less what he likes about it, as then he will be an adult and you will respect his decisions, but in the meantime he needs to respect yours.

It may not help, but it might.

sarymclary

Thanks for all your replies. I have already considered these repercussions. It's really hard to get across on a forum like this, what I know these people to be like. They have lifestyle choices I don't want my children exposed to (drugs/alcohol), and a not quite 'all the ticket' way of thinking. (That's me being ever so polite about them)! This isn't about a big argument between me/them really, but about a real previous threat to harm my children by them. I am not sure that they could ever be trusted, and have spent the past 4 years creating a safe environment for my boys, whilst ensuring we were not traceable by them in the meantime.

I had been anticipating this event, but it's not easy to deal with all the same. I have asked my friends/family who know my in-laws about this, thinking as you have said to let the children decide, but each one said a defnite 'no' - they can't be trusted, they aren't nice people and it would be unwise to allow it. This is why I am so confused, because I was going to say to them to do their own thing - hoping they'd see them for what they are, and eventually let it drop, however, I know that they would be allowed & encouraged to do things I, as their parent wouldn't.

Thanks all for reading. I guess the answer is, there's no answer!

msmicawber

If they've threatened to harm your children and you believe that they might, then why not ask a solicitor whether a restraining order (or similar) would be appropriate/possible here?

skylight

msmicawber wrote: »

If they've threatened to harm your children and you believe that they might, then why not ask a solicitor whether a restraining order (or similar) would be appropriate/possible here?

Do you have proof? Its essential for one, but no harm in asking.

Incisor

sarymclary wrote: »

Thanks for all your replies. I have already considered these repercussions. It's really hard to get across on a forum like this, what I know these people to be like. They have lifestyle choices I don't want my children exposed to (drugs/alcohol), and a not quite 'all the ticket' way of thinking. (That's me being ever so polite about them)! This isn't about a big argument between me/them really, but about a real previous threat to harm my children by them. I am not sure that they could ever be trusted,

Yes, fairly obviously you wouldn't be trying to avoid contact if there were not something like this, but the advice stands

... and have spent the past 4 years creating a safe environment for my boys, whilst ensuring we were not traceable by them in the meantime.

I had been anticipating this event, but it's not easy to deal with all the same. I have asked my friends/family who know my in-laws about this, thinking as you have said to let the children decide, but each one said a defnite 'no' - they can't be trusted, they aren't nice people and it would be unwise to allow it. This is why I am so confused, because I was going to say to them to do their own thing - hoping they'd see them for what they are, and eventually let it drop, however, I know that they would be allowed & encouraged to do things I, as their parent wouldn't.

I think there is, but it isn't down the road of deleting facebook accounts. You need to involve all 4 in the decision - as a day by day act. You need to tell them what has happened and why and why you have made the decision to become not traceable. You need to let them know that once any one of them makes contact, then they have made you all traceable and it can't be undone easily. You need to make it clear that you understand if one or other wants to make contact, but none of them must until the youngest is 18. And make it clear that none of them can make the decision to make contact for the others. Are they old enough and mature enough to understand this?

robpw2

i know why you would want to protect your children and why you feel these people do not warrant being allowed near your children.

But surely it should be up to the children if they have contact with them , they are teenagers and they are able to make up their own minds, all you should do is provide them with the relevant information and let them make the choice

sarymclary

I think the older 2 are old enough to understand, but the younger 2 possibly aren't, and some of the issues/reasons for not having contact are probably not suitable to discuss with them at their ages right now.

Whilst I have always allowed them to make their own decisions in most things, as a grown up, I obviously have a better overview of the situation, and better judgement. For example, my 14 y/old pierced his own lip 3 times last month, and then it swelled up to 4 times the size it was! He doesn't have much of an idea about consequences, so gets himself into trouble and silly situations without consideration for himself, or others. He's easily coaxed into doing things, and has been in a lot of trouble lately at school, so I think part of his motivation has been for a sympathetic new ear (he's burned his bridges with so many friends). It's because of this vulnerable side he has, that worries me that he would be so easily influenced by these relatives.

It's all very well to give teenagers information to make informed decisions, but it doesn't stop them making mistakes, sometimes huge ones, such as pregnancy, drugs and alcohol.

As Incisor recognised, trying to maintain a level of untraceability is hard enough, but now it has been undone. Our address, phone numbers, email addresses, and photographs of all of my children have been accessed on his page, therefore placing all of his brothers at risk. His older brother didn't act on the contact made to him because he doesn't want it, now he feels he's been made vulnerable and easily accessible.

I am going to speak to the older children tonight, but the younger 2 have already got a whiff of what has been going on and are actually quite scared at the prospect of them turning up at our house (I doubt they ever would), but whilst reassuring them that won't happen, I need the older 2 to ensure that is so, and not undermining that security.

Thanks so much for all your views, they are very much appreciated, and it helps to see it from different perspectives. Being a parent isn't easy at the best of times, and the instinct to protect is undeniable at times like these.