Huge decision to make. Incredibly long post. Sorry!

squashy

Wow you have been through the mill there you must be feeling awful.

I just wanted to say that my brother had a breakdown very similar to what you described, he was living at home with mum and started talking about what it would be like to rape someone, and he had a knife and was carving things into the wall with it, it was a cumulation of weeks/months of strange behaviour like shaving his head until it bled to "make his hair grow back". Frightened, mum rang the police and he ended up being sectioned and in hospital for a while.

Anyway, moving down the line he has turned his life around! He was on medication for a good while and has weaned himself off it, and knows to go to the doc again at the first sign of any weird feelings (which nowadays is never)

Best of all he is now working as a healthcare assistant in mental health and is looking to start training to be a mental health nurse :T

I just wanted to show you that there may be light at the end of the tunnel.

KentishLady

sturll wrote: »

I am sorry for what you are going through and my heart goes out to you.

But i take a different perspective on this, when i married my wife i made a vow for better or worse. You took that too. Life can be hard at times and you have certainly been dealt a painful blow but the man you loved and married is still there. By no fault of his or yours he has gotten ill and this has changed him. But he is still your husband and you made a vow to stand by him through everything.

Dont give up on him now, its the last thing someone in his state would need.

Hi please be reassured that I am not giving up on him. However, if he was to be violent towards me and hurt me I could end up being hospitalised myself (or worse). If that were to happen then I couldnt be there for him and would have broken my vows. I would have allowed him to be in a situation where he has physically hurt the person he loves the most, and potentially he would be facing jail terms or time in a secure unit. I cannot allow this to happen. I am glad that you are not in the terrible situation that I am in. When I married my husband I knew that life would be difficult and that he would physically deteriorate. I willingly and knowingly took on that task.

This is far more than a painful blow. Walk in my shoes for the last 10 years as I have done and then you may have more of an understanding of where I am coming from. Imagine living and caring for someone who is now childlike, or who behaves like someone with dementia. Now imagine that you are only 36 years old, and are facing that situation for the next 50 or so years with no hope of respite, no hope of improvement, no chance of having your own children, unable to choose your own career, unable to choose where to live, unable to partake in the activities you once loved and you may have some idea of my situation.

My dilemma is how to keep my vows without putting myself at risk. If that means we have to divorce and he has to live somewhere else then so be it.

I will always be emotionally tied to him and will always be responsible for him. That does not however mean that I have to put myself in danger. I realise that this maybe difficult to understand and that it may come across as a mixed message. This is far more complicated than you can imagine. Physical disability and illness is bad enough for people to deal with. Couple that with the mental illness and behavoural issues and we are in a whole different ball game.

I do thank you for your post and your perspective, but it really isn't as easy as you think it might be.

KL.

~Chameleon~

Hi KentishLady,

I'm so, so sorry that you're going through this and I do know how difficult it is to cope and even moreso to make some of the decisions you're going to be faced with over the coming weeks and months. I'll PM you privately for a more detailed chat about it later today

In the meantime, I notice you live in the Kent area so it would be worth your while looking up the various MIND organisations and see if there is one close by that help with accommodation needs. Here's a link to ones in your area and if you click on each one it will bring up a list of services and yo need to look for one that lists accommodation.

http://www.mind.org.uk/mind+in+your+area/regions/southeast/index.htm

Each area has different facilities and even those offering accommodation can differ as to the amount of assisstance they can provide. But I do know that some will help out in providing self-contained accommodation (usually a one-bed flat) to your husband when he leaves hospital and will provide assistance to help him live independantly for up to two years if necessary.

Hopefully there will be one in your area that provides this level of support :A

MrsE_2

I want to wish you well.

I think you need to scrap together every bit of support you can for yourself. Badger the social services mental health dept.

You don't owe the lodger anything, so if the lodger is adding to your burdon is it possible to get him to leave & cut down on somethings to makeup for the lack of rent?
As for your family, perhaps it would be best if you visited them?
Just so as not to add to your burdon of worries.

But get some professional support & if you have some, get more.

bestpud

I can see you are at breaking point but at the same time, having experienced mental illness in the past, I can see things from your OH's point of view as well. It really is an awful experience and I can't tell you how much worse it would have been if my DH had left me because of it. He's ill at the end of the day.

I am really glad you are going to wait until he is stabalised first as you cannot take his behaviour the other night as the norm. I'm assuming now that he isn't normally violent?

I know you have years if his behaviour though, and we are only getting a snap shot here!

Before he comes home, you need to make sure you, and he, are given adequate support and personally, Id say at least see how you get on with proper support first. You don't seem to have had much input with his mental illness up until now?

As for your family, I think it unlikely they are in danger tbh but maybe, as suggested, you could visit them for a while?

Make sure you look after yourself while he is in hospital as you clearly need a break. Plus it is much easier to make decisions when you are not run ragged. He is safe at the moment so take the chance to look after you!

Dill

There's been some brilliant advice here.

I went through something similar to you about 4 years ago. OH was ill, psychotic, and was taken in under section after an incident in our flat. The time he spent in hospital was actually a much-needed respite for both of us.

It is hell for both partners when this sort of situation happens but I think having been through this I'd say you are very sensible to try and support him more from a distance ie. possibly him moving out.

In terms of practicalities I'd think he'd be a priority applicant if he did decide to go on the council Housing Register. I don't know if you are near a town or city, or what the facilities are like where you are living (I think it varies a lot from place to place) but there are also housing schemes for people with mental health problems.

As others have said, just try and push for all the support you can. Your OH should at least have a CPN or social worker, and they can be a good source of help and information.

Dinah93

Hey KL.

Din't want to read and run, just wanted to offer support and my best wishes. I understand the arguement that entirely that he is ill, this is no fault of his and you took vows, but at this rate you'll have a breakdown yourself, and you only get one shot at it in life. You are not proposing on walking away from him, what you are proposing is self preservation. I know what it is like to live with the constant fear of violence, and no one should have to live like that under any circumstances.

PM me if you ever need a hand to hold. I know next to nothing about the technical aspects of his illness, my ex OH had severe mood swings and depression, and could get very threatening in those times, throwing things and smashing my possessions, its not the same by a very long way but I can sympathise with your position and wish only the best for you.

Dinah x

Errata

I'm so sorry your husband is so ill, and you find yourself with an awful predicament. I'm sure you realise that what your husband said to you and what he called you made no more sense than his flying to Manchester and then trying to fly from Heathrow did. When this kind of thing happens the people behaving this way have no idea that what they're doing and saying makes no sense whatsoever.
You are right to be concerned for your own safety and for the safety of others, so is it possible for you to accept that you are not the only person that can help him with the rest of his life ? Sometimes, and I'm not saying this is necessarily the case for you, close family members or a husband or wife cannot - with the best will in the world - give the appropriate support and help a person needs.
HTH and best wishes.

Sparksfly_2

This is the first time I have ever posted online but I just wanted to say that I feel for you & the situation you find yourself in. Life is so hard sometimes but you must always remember that you were & still are a very important person in your husband's life & whilst he may not recognise that fact at the moment, you are to be commended for everything you have done.

KentishLady

Dear all,

Thank you for your support so far. It has been really helpful.

I received a tel call from the hospital at home team today (some areas they call it the home treatment team) saying that they want to discharge DH from hospital and treat him at home in the next day or so. They have not involved me in the plans and have not done a CPA assessment.

Basically I told the person who called that I was unhappy that I had not been involved in the planning and that I did not feel safe having DH home. She asked me "How would you KNOW if you were safe?" To which I replyed I wasnt sure - she then said "where would DH go if he couldnt come home? Had I discussed this with DH?" I replied that I had not discussed it because each time I had tried he was unable to concentrate long enough for us to finish the conversation.

I also asked whether they had changed DHs medication as had been discussed but she did not know. We left it that she would speak to the Dr on the ward and she said that "I suppose we will HAVE to do a CPA now".

So............

Tonight I visited DH and I have left him with the following questions to think about:-

1) What activities does he want to add into his life?
2) Where does he want to live? With me? Shared bedroom or own bedroom?
3) What does he want from our relationship? Husband and wife? friends?

I've also had some thoughts of what I want to happen as well - but I'll post that seperately because that will be a long post.

I also need to know whether DH still thinks he has bugs in his teeth/ears - asked him today and he said yes. He also said he still worries about bugs in the electricity cables.