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Huge decision to make. Incredibly long post. Sorry!
KentishLady
Posts: 293 Forumite
Hi
For those that don't know me at all, firstly let me give you a little background.
I have been married to DH since 1999 and been together since 1992 or thereabouts. DH was diagnosed in 1997 with parkinsonism - a movement disorder with very similar symptoms to parkinsons disease. It is treated with similar medication to parkinsons and he has been taking meds since this time.
In summer of 2001, he started to exhibit strange behaviour, including paranoia, hallucinations both visual and auditory. Since then we have been on a rollercoaster of mental health problems (my father prefers the term mental disability).
In feb 2002 we had our first real crisis when he got on a plane and flew to Manchester. He has no family or friends there and there was no logical reason for him to go. He just thought he should get on a plane and that was the first plane he could get tickets for. This was a huge nightmare and we had great difficulty persuading the police of his vulnerability and they basically just put him on a coach back to London. He got off early and went to Heathrow as he still thought he should be on a plane and he tried to get tickets to fly to america. Luckily the airport staff realised something was wrong and he didnt have his passport with him anyway.
Fast forward to today, and along the way we have had a couple more crisis, 2 hospitalisations and I have had to try to put up with his odd behaviour which has been downright nasty to me at times.
Last October he threw a wobbly and said some really nasty things to me - wanting a divorce, saying I didnt love him or support him, I couldnt be trusted, I was spying on him through the internet. It eventually transpired he now believes that he has bugs in his teeth and ears and that he is being spied on by the hospital he goes to for his parkinsonism. He also believes that there are bugs in the electricity cables in the house, and the computer, laptop, TV, telephone etc. He now seems to think again that I am in on it and that the laptop has some sort of camera attached - it doesnt.
On Wednesday we had a lovely day working in the garden together, he chatted with me quite happily and was polite and pleasant to me, the next door neighbour and our lodger. He had been apparently well for a few months now and I was beginning to think we were moving on from some of his issues. To the extent I was considering that we were now in a position for me to change my career as he was more able to give me a little emotional support when I needed it.
However, later on that day, I can only describe it as he flipped. I asked him to hang some keys up inside the house and he refused. He went inside and said he was going to go on the net. I asked him if he wanted the mouse for the laptop and he said no. He then basically ripped the cover off the laptop screen with his bare hands, bent the screen in half and then stamped on it.
I asked him why he had done this and he said it was because I was prostituting myself on the internet (which of course I am not). He said he wanted a divorce because I was either with him or I wasnt and he felt I wasnt. He then said please could I turn off the radio which was in his head. Of course I couldnt do this and then he said that he thought I was a man. He said he hadnt hit a man before and wondered what it would feel like if he hit me.
I was a) scared of what he might do to me and b) scared that if the lodger came down he would go for the lodger. So I left the house and phoned the police and also the emergency mental health team for advice. They confirmed I had done the right thing in calling the police and that they would probably bring him down to the hospital. However, they warned me that he probably wouldnt be seen until early hours of the morning as there was already 3 emergency assessments waiting to be seen.
In the event the police arrived at about 8 and managed to persuade DH to go with them voluntarily. They would not let me see him nor him see me - probably a good thing - and they confirmed that he had admitted threatening to hit me. In the circumstances they said if he had not agreed to go with them then he would have been arrested. He was eventually seen at 5 on thurs morning by the mental health team and has been voluntarily admitted to the mental health ward at our local hospital. They have indicated if he tries to discharge himself then he will be assessed under the mental health act and possible sectioned.
I now have some decisions to make and am facing a huge dilemma. DH has no parents - they are both deceased and I am his next of kin and as such legally, morally and feel emotionally responsible for him even though he has behaved terribly badly. I know that he is mentally ill and that this means he may not be in full control of his thoughts and actions. However, I cannot tolerate violent behaviour even if it is directed towards inanimate objects.
My lodger is an asylum seeker from a violent regime and I also have young nephews and nieces who visit my house. I cannot afford for any of them to witness such behaviour as it would traumatise them and I cannot take the risk that he may accidentally, or intentionally, physically hurt someone (be that me or one of my family).
Somehow I have to ensure that I am safe along with my family, but also ensure that DH is safe. I don't see how are relationship can continue as it was given the things he said and did on Wednesday (and the above was the sanitised version - what he actually said was much much worse and I can't bring myself to repeat it on the internet and certainly can't tell my family everything he said to me).
The day after this happened I did visit the hospital where he was admitted and i have informed them that my position is at the moment that I want a divorce and do not want him back in my home or anywhere near my family. This was a gut reaction and maybe I was being a little over emotional. However, I also have to be sensible and safeguard my own well-being and keep myself safe.
Having thought about nothing else for the last few days I have come to the conclusion that practically I am going to have to divorce him at some point - he is incapable of being a true husband any more and my patience and tolerance has all been used up. I feel I have nothing more of me to give.
In terms of living arrangements as far as I can see there are only two options. 1) he gets his own council flat & I help him out with forms, bills etc but basically he lives his own life. 2) he moves back in to our house but not back to our room - he would have to move into the spare room and ultimately once the divorce and assets were sorted out he would remain as my lodger.
The house is currently in joint names. We bought it for £128,500 in dec 2004 and mortgage balance is now down to £112,000 with an ERC of about £6k. We have a joint unsecured loan of £9000 which was spent on work on the house - this is not tied to the mortgage in any way it is totally seperate. He has a sole loan with a balance of £4000 which was used to purchase our car. I have credit card debts of £4k which are currently on interest free (balance transfers) and I had hoped to clear these over the next 12 months.
Having checked our joint account, mortgage payments, loan payments, house insurance and household bills come to £1,200 per month between us. I only earn £1100 per month and the lodger pays me £220 per month rent. If DH moves out money will be very very tight. If he moves back in then I am going to have to ask the lodger to leave because I cannot trust that DH won't go for him. So although I would gain DH's income into the household - a pension of £700 per month and DLA (higher rate mobility and lower rate care), I would lose the lodgers rent which is currently paid direct to me.
I would welcome peoples thoughts on my situation, but please bear in mind that I will allways be responsible for him and this means he will always play some part in my life so there is no point in telling me to wash my hands of him completely. When we got married I chose to take on the responsibility of a disabled man with the potential for him to get worse physically. I had no idea he would go on to develop the mental health problems, but the same principle applies. I made a vow to him when we married that I would look after him no matter what and even if we divorce and he no longer lives with me, I will still need to ensure that he is safe for my own peace of mind if nothing else. I hope you will all understand my position on this and if you don't at least accept it and that you will have some ideas how I can reconcile my need to keep my husband safe (for I will always be married to him in my soul even if we legally divorce) and keep me and my family safe.
Sorry for the incredibly long post but I needed to get it all down in black and white.
KL.
For those that don't know me at all, firstly let me give you a little background.
I have been married to DH since 1999 and been together since 1992 or thereabouts. DH was diagnosed in 1997 with parkinsonism - a movement disorder with very similar symptoms to parkinsons disease. It is treated with similar medication to parkinsons and he has been taking meds since this time.
In summer of 2001, he started to exhibit strange behaviour, including paranoia, hallucinations both visual and auditory. Since then we have been on a rollercoaster of mental health problems (my father prefers the term mental disability).
In feb 2002 we had our first real crisis when he got on a plane and flew to Manchester. He has no family or friends there and there was no logical reason for him to go. He just thought he should get on a plane and that was the first plane he could get tickets for. This was a huge nightmare and we had great difficulty persuading the police of his vulnerability and they basically just put him on a coach back to London. He got off early and went to Heathrow as he still thought he should be on a plane and he tried to get tickets to fly to america. Luckily the airport staff realised something was wrong and he didnt have his passport with him anyway.
Fast forward to today, and along the way we have had a couple more crisis, 2 hospitalisations and I have had to try to put up with his odd behaviour which has been downright nasty to me at times.
Last October he threw a wobbly and said some really nasty things to me - wanting a divorce, saying I didnt love him or support him, I couldnt be trusted, I was spying on him through the internet. It eventually transpired he now believes that he has bugs in his teeth and ears and that he is being spied on by the hospital he goes to for his parkinsonism. He also believes that there are bugs in the electricity cables in the house, and the computer, laptop, TV, telephone etc. He now seems to think again that I am in on it and that the laptop has some sort of camera attached - it doesnt.
On Wednesday we had a lovely day working in the garden together, he chatted with me quite happily and was polite and pleasant to me, the next door neighbour and our lodger. He had been apparently well for a few months now and I was beginning to think we were moving on from some of his issues. To the extent I was considering that we were now in a position for me to change my career as he was more able to give me a little emotional support when I needed it.
However, later on that day, I can only describe it as he flipped. I asked him to hang some keys up inside the house and he refused. He went inside and said he was going to go on the net. I asked him if he wanted the mouse for the laptop and he said no. He then basically ripped the cover off the laptop screen with his bare hands, bent the screen in half and then stamped on it.
I asked him why he had done this and he said it was because I was prostituting myself on the internet (which of course I am not). He said he wanted a divorce because I was either with him or I wasnt and he felt I wasnt. He then said please could I turn off the radio which was in his head. Of course I couldnt do this and then he said that he thought I was a man. He said he hadnt hit a man before and wondered what it would feel like if he hit me.
I was a) scared of what he might do to me and b) scared that if the lodger came down he would go for the lodger. So I left the house and phoned the police and also the emergency mental health team for advice. They confirmed I had done the right thing in calling the police and that they would probably bring him down to the hospital. However, they warned me that he probably wouldnt be seen until early hours of the morning as there was already 3 emergency assessments waiting to be seen.
In the event the police arrived at about 8 and managed to persuade DH to go with them voluntarily. They would not let me see him nor him see me - probably a good thing - and they confirmed that he had admitted threatening to hit me. In the circumstances they said if he had not agreed to go with them then he would have been arrested. He was eventually seen at 5 on thurs morning by the mental health team and has been voluntarily admitted to the mental health ward at our local hospital. They have indicated if he tries to discharge himself then he will be assessed under the mental health act and possible sectioned.
I now have some decisions to make and am facing a huge dilemma. DH has no parents - they are both deceased and I am his next of kin and as such legally, morally and feel emotionally responsible for him even though he has behaved terribly badly. I know that he is mentally ill and that this means he may not be in full control of his thoughts and actions. However, I cannot tolerate violent behaviour even if it is directed towards inanimate objects.
My lodger is an asylum seeker from a violent regime and I also have young nephews and nieces who visit my house. I cannot afford for any of them to witness such behaviour as it would traumatise them and I cannot take the risk that he may accidentally, or intentionally, physically hurt someone (be that me or one of my family).
Somehow I have to ensure that I am safe along with my family, but also ensure that DH is safe. I don't see how are relationship can continue as it was given the things he said and did on Wednesday (and the above was the sanitised version - what he actually said was much much worse and I can't bring myself to repeat it on the internet and certainly can't tell my family everything he said to me).
The day after this happened I did visit the hospital where he was admitted and i have informed them that my position is at the moment that I want a divorce and do not want him back in my home or anywhere near my family. This was a gut reaction and maybe I was being a little over emotional. However, I also have to be sensible and safeguard my own well-being and keep myself safe.
Having thought about nothing else for the last few days I have come to the conclusion that practically I am going to have to divorce him at some point - he is incapable of being a true husband any more and my patience and tolerance has all been used up. I feel I have nothing more of me to give.
In terms of living arrangements as far as I can see there are only two options. 1) he gets his own council flat & I help him out with forms, bills etc but basically he lives his own life. 2) he moves back in to our house but not back to our room - he would have to move into the spare room and ultimately once the divorce and assets were sorted out he would remain as my lodger.
The house is currently in joint names. We bought it for £128,500 in dec 2004 and mortgage balance is now down to £112,000 with an ERC of about £6k. We have a joint unsecured loan of £9000 which was spent on work on the house - this is not tied to the mortgage in any way it is totally seperate. He has a sole loan with a balance of £4000 which was used to purchase our car. I have credit card debts of £4k which are currently on interest free (balance transfers) and I had hoped to clear these over the next 12 months.
Having checked our joint account, mortgage payments, loan payments, house insurance and household bills come to £1,200 per month between us. I only earn £1100 per month and the lodger pays me £220 per month rent. If DH moves out money will be very very tight. If he moves back in then I am going to have to ask the lodger to leave because I cannot trust that DH won't go for him. So although I would gain DH's income into the household - a pension of £700 per month and DLA (higher rate mobility and lower rate care), I would lose the lodgers rent which is currently paid direct to me.
I would welcome peoples thoughts on my situation, but please bear in mind that I will allways be responsible for him and this means he will always play some part in my life so there is no point in telling me to wash my hands of him completely. When we got married I chose to take on the responsibility of a disabled man with the potential for him to get worse physically. I had no idea he would go on to develop the mental health problems, but the same principle applies. I made a vow to him when we married that I would look after him no matter what and even if we divorce and he no longer lives with me, I will still need to ensure that he is safe for my own peace of mind if nothing else. I hope you will all understand my position on this and if you don't at least accept it and that you will have some ideas how I can reconcile my need to keep my husband safe (for I will always be married to him in my soul even if we legally divorce) and keep me and my family safe.
Sorry for the incredibly long post but I needed to get it all down in black and white.
KL.
0
Comments
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I used to work as a mental health professional and I appreciate how difficult this must be for you. All I can suggest is that you wait until he is stabilised on medication and then make your decision. People are often very frightened and confused when they experience such reactions that your dh has, and often after a lot of help, support and encouragement come out the other side more like their old self (as long as they continue with their medications and appointments).
Whatever you decide, I wish you luck.
MM
ps sorry this isn't more detailed two young children trying to grab computer.0 -
I have nothing to say that can help, as fortunately I have never been through this. You are clearly a brave and wonderful woman and have had to cope with more than your fair share. My heart goes out to you and hope that just by writing all of that heartfelt letter you feel a bit better.Loving the dtd thread. x0
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http://www.mind.org.uk/
Has his medication or condition maybe triggered schizophrenia or similar?
http://www.mind.org.uk/Information/Booklets/Understanding/Understanding+schizophrenia.htm
Ask for him to be assessed for other disorders while he is in hospital, he may be able to be stabilised with drug treatment and could come home to a wife who obviously loves him but cannot cope with the mental illness and the affects that it brings with it.
You need to decide if you would take him back if he could be made better by medication, or whether you have had enough and can't take it anymore.
Bringing him home but not as a husband would still leave you vulnerable to violence, imho.
Best of luck, make a lot of noise abuot getting him assessed and treated, refuse to take him home until it is done, that should make them sit up and listen since he has nowhere else to go for now...Member of the first Mortgage Free in 3 challenge, no.19
Balance 19th April '07 = minus £27,640
Balance 1st November '09 = mortgage paid off with £1903 left over. Title deeds are now ours.0 -
It sounds to me like you're not getting enough external support - MIND is a good organisation, also has he been diagnosed with anything other than Parkinsonism? I don't know much about Parkinsonism but my FIL had Parkinsons, Parkinsons' is affected by the levels of dopamine in the brain, Schizophrenia is also affected by dopamine. Where one has too much the other has too little iyswim, I can't remember which way round it is though. However when schizophrenics are given the wrong levels of medication it can cause them to exhibit the symptoms of Parkinson's. I'm not a doctor but its reasonable to assume it'll work the other way around.
Anyway to get to my point neurological problems can severely affect personality, it sounds to me like his medication isn't at the right levels or there is something else affecting him along side the Parkinsonism. Have you talked to the doctor about running further tests, altering his medication?
I appreciate how draining this has been for you and I think you do need a break; however your husband needs you now more than ever, certainly more than a lodger does. Please try and exhaust all possible avenues of support, extra treatment before you make such a life changing decision. This is a terrifying time for your husband and he needs you now more than ever.0 -
Thank you to all those who have read and posted.
Madsmum - I think I had already got to the stage where I realised I needed to wait for him to be stabilised before I could make any firm decisions. You are so right in what you have said and I can't rush any decisions.
Arthurdent - thank you for your post
. your right I did feel better after writing it all down.
Ailuro & Tobermory, I know my husband needs me more than ever and is probably frightened. However, I cannot help him if I am frightened of what he will do and I have to keep my family safe as well. The only reason I am considering one option as having him back but as a lodger is because when he is ill he consistently says he wants a divorce but stil wants to live with me. This is a recurring theme and I have now got to the point where I am beginning to think that this IS what he wants. Maybe he cannot cope with being a husband and a home-owner and the responsibilities that go along with those roles. I do and always will love him and care for him no matter what decision is made - and I do also know that he will always love me too. I just somehow need to work out how to balance my needs, his needs, and the safety of all those I care about him included.
All I DO know is that we cannot carry on the way we have been up until now - I will end up having a breakdown myself.
KL.0 -
I don't know anything about mental health problems or anything useful really but didn't want to read and run.
It strikes me that if you will always feel responsible for him anyway, which of course you will as is sounds as though he has no one else, then once his medication is stabilised it would be easier for you to 'keep an eye on him' if he is in the house with you, i would think you will always be wondering what he is up to and if he is safe if he is living elsewhere and that sense of responsibility would weigh even heavier on your shoulders if he was living alone?MFW Start Sep 07 £79484, Now £587740 -
I am sorry for what you are going through and my heart goes out to you.
But i take a different perspective on this, when i married my wife i made a vow for better or worse. You took that too. Life can be hard at times and you have certainly been dealt a painful blow but the man you loved and married is still there. By no fault of his or yours he has gotten ill and this has changed him. But he is still your husband and you made a vow to stand by him through everything.
Dont give up on him now, its the last thing someone in his state would need.0 -
i married my wife i made a vow for better or worse.
Generally I would agree that a lot of people give up on their marriage too easily; however the OP has been with her husband through thick and thin since he became ill in 1997. That means for over 10 years she's tried to support him, keep him safe, keep herself safe - physically and emotionally, run the house, kept a job, taken in an asylum seeking lodger...
I can't imagine just how 'empty' her reserves must be by now. Her husband has no relatives to help her out, and I'm sure any friends he may have had have drifted away.
OP - you must do what is right for you now. As others have said refuse to have him home (if at all) until he is stable. Look at having his DLA reviewed - he should be on at least middle care in my opinion, maybe even higher.
There should be a social worker attached to the hospital - ask to see him/her, and insist on a full assessment for your husband.
http://www.carers.org.uk/
HugsThe IVF worked;DS born 2006.0 -
Hi,
Like you I have a hubby who has a neurological condition. When I married David he was a fireman, and a walking/climbing fanatic. I was a serious walker. Today, we were talking about getting David a mobility scooter, he has been losing control over his ability to walk. To be honest his ability to walk is extremely poor to begin with. We have been married 14 years. His personality has changed as well. From about 2000 - 2004 David became violently agressive. Normally David is a big gentle giant, he's about 6'6'. Towers way above me, so when he became agressive I was truly terrified of what he could do to me. At one point during this time it came to a head and divorce was on the cards. When you become physically afraid of your partner then the relationship will break. Thankfully, we found the help David needed to cope with the changes that was causing the anger. Today, David is back to being a gentle giant. I am proud to admit I love him to bits.
Your hubby has serious mental health issues that are placing you in danger. He is no longer able to be a part of a loving relationship due to the violence/threats. You must protect yourself and family, first and foremost. You cannot help anyone if you get hurt. As regards housing for your hubby, is there a mental charity near to you that supplies social housing. The housing comes with the necessary support to those with severe mental health issues. There is charity near me that supplies this type of housing (The Richmond Foundation). You can help your hubby along with the support workers. Perhaps a better option than just unsupported council housing. As regards your housing issues is selling up and moving to a smaller/cheaper house an option?
Perhaps a divorce is necessary, only you can decide but please look after youself.0 -
Hi, I am so sad sat here reading your post, my FIL had Parkinson's and died sadly over two years ago but he had as part of his Parkinson's a condition called Lewy Body Disease, pop it into google and you will be amazed how the things you describe actually sound like this condition. My MIL nursed my FIL for a few years but eventually the decision was taken out of her hands due to his violance etc. and he was sectioned under the mental health act as being a danger to himself and others. Please speak to your GP and any other Consultants that are dealing with your husband's care, they really should be made aware of this.Panda on My Shoulder
If you can make it cheaper do so. If it's not reduced, in Primark, off ebay or free I can't have it :rotfl:0
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