problem with bridesmaid sister - advice please!

Lillibet_2

I am tending to agree with everyone else that it might be kinder to all to sack her as a bridesmaid, but you obviously & understandably don't want to do that. So as a compromise could you appoint a 2nd bridesmaid to take the leading role & demote your sister to "assistant" brodesmaid, someone who will be willing to take their responsibilites seriously & help you both in the prep & on the day, that way your sister still has a major role to play but without any of the responsability that she is currently ignoring anyway, plus you have a responsible benchmark & can say "You had your chance to be chief bridesmaid & didn't want it, now X is leading the way in that role & you have to fall in with her" , this could especially work regarding outfits, beauty treatments etc. Maybe a sister in law could do it as they would be pretty understanding of both your sisters feelings, the family situation & your needs?

Cinny91

I understand you'll want her in the wedding, she's family! But you have to remember it's your day. You need to decide if you want to take the chance on her, the way she acts could potentially ruin your wedding in the end.

If I were you though I'd have a word with her, tell her that you'll be picking out her dress, with her input but in the end it's your wedding and you'll have the final say. If she starts to go off on one tell her you do want her to be apart of your wedding, and that if she doesn't like it she can lump it. If my sister acted like that, as much as I love her I wouldn't want her anywhere near my wedding. I'd send her a slice of cake and afew pictures afterwards.


*edit* saying all that, I think Lillibets idea is perfect for your situation!

pinkshoes

I would write your sister a letter. Tell her that you miss the old her, and which bits of the old her you miss - go into specific details.

Tell her that you don't know what's happened to make her change so much recently, but you really wish that she would open up to you and let you know what's going on inside her head.

Tell her that you would do anything to get the old sister back, and should the old sister want to make an appearance again, you'll always be there for her.

Also tell her how much her recent deceipt has hurt you.

Tell her it's almost as if her body has been taken over by someone else, and would it be possible to tell this someone else to shove off and give you back your old sister.

Letters always tend to work a lot better than talking. It might get through to her.

count_rostov

Thanks everyone for all your replies. Lillibet, I think this is a good idea. I have two good girlfriends from university whom I could ask, I think my sister would probably behave herself around them, and they would definitely be much more helpful! Pinkshoes, I will try to write a letter to her. It can be so difficult to talk things through without getting upset or angry and you're right, I really miss her.

Cinny91

Good luck rostov! And have a great wedding day whatever happens.

morg_monster

Did the recent bad behaviour start around the same time your gran died / mum was diagnosed? Just wonder if it is related to that; may not be at all, but just a possibility to think about. Perhaps she's having a hard time coping with these things; in my experience youngest children are sometimes not the best at dealing with things like that in a grown up manner if they have been treated as a child for much of their lives and shielded from some of the "not nice" parts of life. (obviously I'm not excusing her behaviour but we all know that stress anxiety and grief do different things to different people).

If it is this... not sure what you can do about it before the wedding but something to think about in the longer term. counselling is an option but obviously she has to go of her own volition!! Have you talked to her much about how she's feeling about your mum / gran?
Apologies if the two things are definitely not related. All the best for a wonderful wedding.

count_rostov

Morg, you're right, thinking about it, she seems to have gone off the rails since my mother was diagnosed (she didn't know my grandmother so well). She's already lost someone she was very close to (her housemistress in boarding school) to breast cancer and she was very upset at her death. She was really cut up when my mother was first diagnosed but doesn't seem to care any more. For example, a mutual friend knew from me that our mother was starting a new course of treatment, but when they asked my sister how my mother was doing she didn't even know that she was starting new treatment as she never calls home! She rarely answers the phone when our mother calls her, flatly refused to go shopping with her for a mother-of-the-bride outfit because it would be boring, and gives our father absolutely no support, just tries to bully/cajole him into giving her money all the time.
I've tried to talk to her about our mother being ill but she doesn't respond. A few months ago some of her old school friends (the nice group of friends) have asked me quietly how she was coping as she wouldn't talk to them either so they were obviously worried/perplexed. I don't understand why she's being so cold towards everyone, but perhaps that's a way of dealing with her upset?
We're travelling together to my grandmother's funeral this weekend so hopefully I will have a chance to talk quietly with her.

ailuro2

Stick close to her this weekend and watch out for signs of her nipping off to 'powder her nose' Have a look through her pockets/handbag if you get the chance

Could it be she has turned to drugs to blot out all the personal stuff going on in her life?

The last thing your family needs at the moment is a drug addict adding to difficult circumstances. If she was proved to be on drugs would that mean you could persuade the rest of the family to stop giving her money for them? She needs help too, but not at the expense of everyone else's feelings.

Remember you've probably got everything she'd like right now, stable relationship etc...

CB1979_2

i don't mean she's a druggie in terms of would happily go and nick something to pay for her next hit.

just some people (like with alcohol) start to associate having a good time with needing a bit of powder to help the night along.

MOST do experiment and move on, SOME do not and their "weekend only" habit starts to become an everyday habit "not cos i NEED it, cos i want it" yeah righto.

if your fella gets on so well with her, get him to have a chat with her about how worried you are about her, etc. you never know she may well open up to him too.

count_rostov

Well, the funeral went ok. She did turn up with a ridiculously inappropriate outfit (think bondage shoes) but I bought her some shoes at the airport which she will also wear at the wedding (two birds, one stone) and lent her some clothes. She was in quite a good mood, a bit snappy, and not particularly nice to my parents or grandfather, but not dreadful.
I've decided to try and relax about the whole thing - the drugs thing is something she will hopefully grow out of, and if she looks a fright at my wedding, well, she looks a fright!