problem with bridesmaid sister - advice please!

count_rostov

This is more of a family problem than a bridesmaid problem so I thought I'd post it here rather than the weddings board.
I'm really close to my sister who is 20, I'm 27. (There are two brothers between us, we're all good friends) However, of late, my sister has been behaving in a way completely unlike her and it's driving me crazy! She dropped out of university last december and hasn't done anything since. She doesn't have a job, not even a bar job. She's got in with a really trendy group of people who tbh are really shallow and unpleasant. They all do a lot of drugs, I saw her a few weeks ago and she was really jittery, with the traces of a nosebleed and burns around her mouth. My brother and I tried to talk to her about it the next day but she said that she said that she hadn't done anything, which was obviously a lie. She seems to have fallen out with all of her school friends, who were a really lovely and caring friend circle. My mother has cancer and my grandmother died recently (she was ill for a few months) but my sister still puts unreasonable financial demands on my father and just generally behaves in a really selfish and uncaring way towards my parents. She has frittered away an inheritence and I'm worried might also be dealing drugs because she can't even be bothered to claim the dole but manages to pay a London rent and parties all the time.
Anyhow, I got engaged at easter and asked her to be my only bridesmaid, the wedding is in 6 weeks. Her main objectives for the wedding seem to be a) get my father to spend as much money as possible on her outfit and b) look trendier and sexier than anyone else there, including me. She is refusing to help me or my mother choose our outfits or do an other wedding help, and also refuses to wear anything I suggest. I want her to wear something she likes but everything she picks is totally inappropriate for a country wedding. We finally agreed that one of her friends who's a fashion student could make her something. I asked her to agree a price with him before he starts, which she didn't do, and when I asked her again to fix a price she said £240, not including materials. I said this was ridiculous and she said that actually it would be £120, not including materials. I still think this is steep for a bridesmaid's dress but I'm prepared to pay this to keep the peace, but I'm so p*ssd off that she lied about how much it would cost - why can't she just get a job and stop trying to scab money off everyone!
Anyway, so I guess my problem is three-fold:
1) I'm upset that my sister who used to be very kind and generous is becoming such a lying selfish cow, I think she's got in with a really bad set of people and I think she's trying to be someone she's not
2) I feel angry with her for putting so much pressure and stress on my parents when they have plenty other stuff to worry about
3) I really want her to enjoy my wedding and be helpful and fun, but she obviously thinks I'm being completely unreasonable for refusing to let her treat the aisle like a catwalk, so we're at a bit of an impasse, and she's in a real grump with me
Anyway, what can I do? My brother and I thought it would be good if she was away from her 'friends' for a while and offered to pay her rent in the city he lives in, sorted out some really interesting work experience for her, but she didn't want to know. I really don't want to tell my parents my concerns about the way she is living. And of course, I don't want to have tensions and arguments at my wedding! Whenever I try to talk to her she becomes really mute and unresponsive. Help!

Edit
Sorry for the long post!

CB1979_2

she's a druggie, nothing you can really do unless she wants to help herself.

talk to her not lecture her.

her borrowing money from your parents is nothing to do with you, if you're dad keeps doing it, she'll keep asking for it.

"helping" her out for a while, is going to do nothing if she ends up going back to the same place.

if she's your bridesmaid, doesn't she wear what you choose? if she doesn't want that then don't have her as your bridesmaid!

count_rostov

Oh, my parents refuse to give her any more money, that's why she does sneaky things like lying about the price of her dress! She keeps trying to pressurise them to give her money but they want her to get a job and pay for herself. I'm more cross that she keeps stressing them out when they have other things to think about. I suppose as the youngest she has been a little spoilt by myself and my brothers as well as my parents, but this is definitely stopped now! She has no income, she's either dealing or racking up huge debts.
I agree, helping her out is no good if she just goes back to where she was before. But how to get her away from her new friends? I was thinking about asking one of her school friends for advice/help but I think she treated them pretty shabbily and if I were them, I would want nothing more to do with her.
Sacking her as a bridesmaid really isn't an option, we've always been really close sisters and she would be so upset. I dont want to fall out with her, but I also really want it be a day for my fiance, myself and all of both families, not just her!

CB1979_2

erm no wedding is supposed to be for you & hubby, if others enjoy that's a bonus.

there's no harm in speaking to one of her old mates if you know them and can trust them not to say anything to her. asking them if they know anything about these new people.

you won't be able to get her away from the new people if she really doesn't want to, even harder if she's on drugs.

Dill

How frustrating for you to watch someone you know and love start to behave like that. But unfortunately if she's 20 you can't really 'take her away' from these new friends of hers.

The only thing I can suggest is maybe contact one of the drugs charities in confidence and have a chat with them, see what they say?

The main thing is it's your wedding day, so enjoy it and try not to let your sister get to you too much!

Paparika

If that was my sister, not only will would i have told her that her requests at being the best dressed at your wedding not going to happen (I'd take the offer of bridesmaid away from her)

And whilst she wants to be a shallow spoilt brat refuse to have anything to do with her

Soubrette

Unfortunately you cannot change her, after all she has chosen this group of friends for whatever reason.

I would strongly recommend that anyone with a suspicion of drugs in the family contact narc-anon so that you can learn how you can support and help the drug user rather than inadvertantly be used and enable their behaviour.

Remember it is your wedding, unacceptable behaviour is simply not acceptable whatever the excuse. I would consider telling her that you do not wish her to be a bridesmaid because her recent behaviour is erratic and selfish, not the sister that you know and love. Nothing to do with whether she is taking drugs or not, all to do with the way that she is acting now.

Good luck OP, I feel for you

Sou

Savvy_Sue

narc-anon

Also Fam-Anon.

Merlot

CB1979 wrote: »

she's a druggie, nothing you can really do unless she wants to help herself.

talk to her not lecture her.

her borrowing money from your parents is nothing to do with you, if you're dad keeps doing it, she'll keep asking for it.

"helping" her out for a while, is going to do nothing if she ends up going back to the same place.

if she's your bridesmaid, doesn't she wear what you choose? if she doesn't want that then don't have her as your bridesmaid!

I agree with the above.

There is a real possibilty of your sister ruining your wedding, particularly if she has taken something.

Your sister needs a wakeup call and tell her you do not want her to be at the wedding, I appreciate your mother has cancer, but your parents needs to know what she is doing. (I am sure they already suspect, if you can see the evidence of drug taking, burns and nosebleeds, surely they can).

Merlot.x.

paddy's_mum

Sorry but I think "sacking her as a bridesmaid" is actually your only option unless you welcome the possibility of your wedding being taken over and turned into a nightmare of gigantic proportions. The mind boggles at the mountain of ways an out of control bridesmaid/guest could make it a day to remember for all the wrong reasons.

It is not disloyal to your sister to let your parents know what is going on since they cannot advise nor help her while they remain completely or partially ignorant of the true state of affairs.

Your loyalty to your sister is to be commended but perhaps your unwillingness to upset her may only cause huge offence and dismay to everyone involved, including your fiance. Does he get to have any say in the matter since it's his day too that may get ruined?

count_rostov

But of course I want her to be at my wedding and have a major role! She's my sister and I love her to bits! I just want her to toe the line and also have a good time.
I guess the underlying problem is I know I'm getting older and don't want to be outshone by my lithe young sister, and she doesn't want to be controlled by her bossy big sister. Aah, weddings bring out the best of people don't they?
My fiance gets on really well with my sister, she's never grumpy or unreasonable with him so he only sees her fun sweet side. Oh, and I should clarify - she's not a druggie, I mean, I don't think she has a drug dependency, but she goes on long benders which are obviously having an effect on her personality as she's getting very bad mood swings. My parents don't see her very much as we're from the other end of the country and she's not able to make it home very often as it's an 11 hr journey by train and car. They're really worried about her and aren't niave about the way she's living, but I don't think they realise that she goes on week long benders. I travel a lot for my work and see her about every three weeks.
Well, I suppose it's something lots of people go through and grow out of, it's just horrible to see it in someone you love!