Breakup Help NEEDED !!!

paddy's_mum

I've been thinking a little more about all this. I think that CB1979 was right when he suggested that the boyfriend thing didn't happen overnight, and I simply can't grasp the thinking of a woman who would deliver such a deadly insult as to move a boyfriend into your home in the blink of an eye. What a slap in the face and what an outrageous insult to foist an interloper onto your children!

I think you have been firmly "set up" and need to take steps to force your wife to realise that she is every bit as responsible as you for getting things sorted out. I think it unrealistic that she continues to sit in the house that you are both responsible for and yet leave you paying out twice over for a roof over your head. As a matter of interest, what is she paying for? .. and hairdressers, manicures etc for the benefit of past or future boyfriends don't count! Does she work and if so, what part of the outgoings consequent upon owning the house does she pay?

Is there a welfare officer attached to your Police employers? That may be one way to get help and support while you get all this sorted out but I would also echo cazziebo's comment that you are not alone. There are a great number of really kind, genuine people who haunt this site and I'm sure you will get support from them at this difficult time in your life.

I never advocate unkindness in any form but the more I think about this, the more I think you need to shock your wife into realising that the tried-and-true husband is about to start playing by the same set of rules that she is. In other words, dig your heels in, pay only what you are obliged to (half) don't be the childminder at any time that suits her, pay only what the CSA guidelines suggest, and get that divorce proceeding launched.

As an aside, it sounds as though you have a great Mum and this time must also be very worrying for her, especially if she is close to her grandchildren and fears to hurt them. Make sure you give your Mum a hug, a thank you and constant appreciation.

Good luck and I shall be thinking of you.

pinkshoes

I think you should go round and see your wife, and attempt to talk this through with her if it's at all possible. Stay as calm as you can, and tell her that you just want to sort things out as quickly as possible with the minimum disruption to the kids lives.

Point out to her that because the mortgage is in BOTH names, then it'll affect both your credit ratings if it doesn't get paid, and it would be best for both of you if the house was sold. Would there be enough equity to cover both your debts?

How much equity is there in the house? When did you buy it? What's it worth?

I'd suggest you do all the maths on paper, work out a fair plan, then see what she thinks. If she likes her credit card, then pointing out that this will screw up her credit rating might make her see sense.

sturll

pinkshoes wrote: »

I think you should go round and see your wife, and attempt to talk this through with her if it's at all possible. Stay as calm as you can, and tell her that you just want to sort things out as quickly as possible with the minimum disruption to the kids lives.

Point out to her that because the mortgage is in BOTH names, then it'll affect both your credit ratings if it doesn't get paid, and it would be best for both of you if the house was sold. Would there be enough equity to cover both your debts?

How much equity is there in the house? When did you buy it? What's it worth?

I'd suggest you do all the maths on paper, work out a fair plan, then see what she thinks. If she likes her credit card, then pointing out that this will screw up her credit rating might make her see sense.

Bad idea in my opinion. I think she has shown that she is unwilling to cooperate.

I really do feel for you mate, having a guy move in with your kids must be ripping you apart and you are stronger than most people i know. But i think you need to get this sorted - you know you do. Thats why i make no apologies for the harshness of what im about to say.

She was having an affair mate, simple. If she wasnt having an affair then she is an unfit mother to let a man move in with your children within 7 days of knowing him. She is pure evil, only someone with a heart of stone would do this to you. Your marriage is over, and even if it wasnt you should want it to be over. How could you ever trust or be with a woman like this again?
You need to stop all payments from today. Everything. Go to see a solicitor, firstly to sort out seeing your kids (id ask for something along the lines of Tuesday after work till bed time then since it is the holiday Friday after work until Sunday bed time)
Then sort out the money. I work in equity and can tell you now there is no way on this planet would a court force your wife to sell the home where your children live. It wont happen. But the debt will most certainly be split. For example, if you owe 100k and the house is worth 80k your wife would most likely remain in the property but take on 80k debt. If she refused then a constructive trust would be formed by the courts and a sale of the house or buy out would occur.

Then after you have done all that phone a few male friends and go out and get rat arsed and move on.

You have been dealt a low blow and its one that would have knocked down most people. But its not the end of the world, you have your kids and yourself to think about now. Forget about that evil !!!!!.

DKLS

I would only communicate with her through a solicitor from now on, I have been in a similar position and you must cover your back at all costs.

Mine started amicably, including agreeing to sell the property, what a joke that was, over two years and a sizeable legal bill later I finally got shut.
My advice is shop around for a solicitor, the 1st one I went to, big bity law firm, came recommended from the Boss, cost £250 an hour, and was so meek he wouldnt say boo to a goose, I sacked him, and found a Pitbull with PMT, female solicitor, who was from a small firm, who charged £140 Ph, and she was worth every penny, whilst at court she tore my ex apart and spat out all her lies and deciet, to the point that the judge turned on her and had a go himself.

It was long and drawn out process, which was very stressful, and expensive, but I promise you there will be an end to it.

sturll

DKLS wrote: »

I would only communicate with her through a solicitor from now on, I have been in a similar position and you must cover your back at all costs.

Mine started amicably, including agreeing to sell the property, what a joke that was, over two years and a sizeable legal bill later I finally got shut.
My advice is shop around for a solicitor, the 1st one I went to, big bity law firm, came recommended from the Boss, cost £250 an hour, and was so meek he wouldnt say boo to a goose, I sacked him, and found a Pitbull with PMT, female solicitor, who was from a small firm, who charged £140 Ph, and she was worth every penny, whilst at court she tore my ex apart and spat out all her lies and deciet, to the point that the judge turned on her and had a go himself.

It was long and drawn out process, which was very stressful, and expensive, but I promise you there will be an end to it.

Thats so true. Always employ a female family solicitor. They tend to make it their life mission to get one over on the woman involved!

Paparika

OP, you sound like a very nice person, I feel ashamed as a female for what you wife has put you through so far.

I just wanted to say that the posters here have offered some very sound advice, they have been through what you are now going through.

You may not see the light at the end of the tunnel at the mo, but believe me it is there, I'm a divorcee too, only it was my ex playing funny business and when the injunction finally went to court, the judge saw through his lies, (Do these people think educated judges and lawyers have not seen this all before?)

There is some brilliant advice here, and it WILL get you through this, the light at the end of the tunnel is there, trust me it is.

Play by the book, you are the better person.

Red_Fraggle_3

Just saying good luck :-) Don't let her and her family bully you. I have read the thread but got confused (no change there then) Get a solicitor I couldn't afford mine so they arranged I paid them £100 each month as a sort of tab and at the end they took their share from the house sale money.
At the time it was horrible and jusdt seemed like it would never end and then it did, 3 years on I have no debts and am back to the person I was way before him. So it will get better - your kids are little but as they get bigger they will see you as the great dad you are.

frannyann

No real advice, but you have my smypathy. Solicitor will be worth the money, I had a female too when divorcing ex hubby (he was cheating!) She was fab. Ask if they have a Para-legal as mine was, she was then half the cost of a "real" solicitor but all her work was checked by a senior partner (as she was still doing her exams) They let me pay bit by bit too. Good luck and ex in-laws tried a similar trick over small car loan too, just ignored them!!

Surfbabe

Just re-iterating what others have said - see solicitor asap. Don;t bad mouth your wife to your children and stop all payments

Got2change

She may well have shot herself in the foot by moving this new chap in (and I refuse to believe that that wasn't going on before....). I think there are some sort of rules about co-habiting and re-marrying and how that affects settlements etc.
Please don't let yourself be brow-beaten; she has taken the royal **** but don't let it carry on.
Keep asking here for advice - and get yourself to a "free" Solicitor with as many questions as you can fit into 30 minutes.
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