Breakup Help NEEDED !!!

WhereNowGuy

Hello, I am new here. Never had much of a need before to seek advice from many people. How things can change !

I became seperated from my wife in late April - well, she asked me to leave is more to the point. I knew things hadn't been great, but put it down to us both working hard - looking after the kids ( 5 and 1 ) which takes it out of you, and the general stress that trying to pay a huge mortgage and juggle bills and family can cause.

I reluctantly left the marital home, and my family, after my wife made it clear that she wasn't sure if she still loved me. I thought it may just be a temporary thing. A week later she told me she'd met someone else - a week after that he had moved in ! That gave me a slight hint that it was pretty much over. She insists that the relationship with this new guy is now over, but I could never go back now.

My wages for April had been eaten up by the joint bank account overdraft before I could get any of it. I reluctantly had to accept the financial help of my mother ( where I had moved into ). I stupidly thought that things may still change, and when my wages for May went into the joint account, they were eaten too. I then sorted out my own bank account for June's wages to go into. I don't earn a fortune - I work for the police - not a police officer though. I paid my wife £800 of my wages, to help with the mortgage. I work six days on, and then have four days off, and since I left the home, I have looked after the kids at my mums on all my days off. It leaves little time for sorting out things.

My wife then said that she was arranging a meeting with a financial advisor. This is a chap we had aways used for our financial dealings - we both trusted and liked. I went along to the meeting. He basically told my wife that the best thing she could do was to put the house up for sale, as in his experience, these situations drag on and on until the party paying everything out gets sick of it, and stops paying. She said she would go and see an estate agent. For my part, I agreed to cover the mortgage - a second charge on the house we took out for a conservatory, and the building and contents insurance. The monthly payments would be around the £800 mark. After contacting the companies, I found out that the payments for June hadn't been recieved, and I ended up paying 2 lots in July to cover the shortfall. I had also been forced into taking on the joint account debt, which had reached £2000. The first action I had to take with my new bank account was to max out the overdraft on that to pay an immediate £1000 off the old joint account debt.

So. I thought at last this was all going to be resolved, and there was some light at the end of my very dark tunnel. This proved not to be the case. I have upheld my part of the bargin by taking on the payments. My wife is now stating that she never had any intention of selling the house, and is refusing to budge. I just want out of the whole thing now.

My wife was told by the financial guy that she would walk away after the property was sold, with her debts cleared ( she does love a credit card ! ) and about £35000 in her pocket. I would only recieve a token couple of grand, but my monthly outgoings would come down dramatically, to the level of childcare payments.

I am now desperate. I seem to have no where to turn. I don't want to just keep paying, as I won't have any money left after to start again myself - I just about have enough to live at the moment, and get myself to work every week. To top it all off now, my wifes mother is threatening to take me to court about money she states that I owe her froim a holiday she had booked that we are now not going on. I feel lost and alone.

Please, if anyone is still reading this sorry tale of woe, does anyone out there know what I should do next? I have been informed that I earn too much to recieve legal aid - obviously that is before I have to pay out for the house I no longer live in. As I said earlier, after I have paid out what I have to now pay out, there is very little left.

I would appreciate any help anyone can offer.

Thanks, if you're still awake after all that !

CB1979_2

is this financial guy a solicitor or just a bullsh!tter?

obviously have no idea, about the equity, etc. but get your butt down to CAB.

she'll be entitled to more benefits now you're seperated, sort out the divorce asap and get it all sorted out legally.

you may not get any cash yet, but my boss has just gone through this he had a charge on the property, that would be paid upon kids turning 18 or his ex co-habiting for 6 months.

oh and she was blatantly seeing this other fella on the side if she moved him in within a week!

also if you pay for sky/internet/etc etc then cancel them, get joint account made that BOTH have to be present to make payments.

if there were no kids involved i'd opt to screw my own credit rating up and not pay the mortgage, but this prob won't look too good when divorce happens.

if mortgage is in joint names, i'd make it clear to her that it not being paid will affect BOTH of you.

Witsend_2

Hi so sorry to hear your situation it seems very unfair to me. Maybe a visit to citizens advice would be a good place to start and will not cost you anything. Sorry I can't be of any real help I just wanted to let you know that we all care on this site and I am sure that someone with more/better advice will be along soon.

Paparika

I think it's time for a solicitor don't you

I can see mother in law trying to interfere and try and bleed you dry

WhereNowGuy

Thanks. At this point I am grateful for any advice thrown my way.

I did go to see the CAB, I have to say there wasn't much good advice given. Just a couple of pamphlets, that truth be told I had already seen on the way in and pocketed.

They gave me the number of a solicitor who can offer half an hour of free advice. I thought this probably wouldn't be much use, and would probably be just to get you in the door and signed up.

Paparika

WhereNowGuy wrote: »

Thanks. At this point I am grateful for any advice thrown my way.

I did go to see the CAB, I have to say there wasn't much good advice given. Just a couple of pamphlets, that truth be told I had already seen on the way in and pocketed.

They gave me the number of a solicitor who can offer half an hour of free advice. I thought this probably wouldn't be much use, and would probably be just to get you in the door and signed up.

I would really reconsider the solicitor as if your marriage seems over, sorry but your wife didn't waste much time in getting another man in (sorry)

She's got MIL on her side demanding money i think the ex should pay seeing as you cant do this holiday (she asked you to leave).

between them i can see they may try to bleed you dry and it looks like you just want to get away from it all.

Contact Child support about maintenance now so that you know the official amount you should pay not some half cocked amount your ex or MIL dream up

rheme

Have to agree with other posters, you really do need to go and see a solicitor.

Okay so you can have half an hour free with one. Book the appointment and go. Use the half hour wisely though so you don't over-run and start incurring costs. Do your preparation before you go e.g. bullet points of the situation, then all you do is walk in and hand them over for the solicitor to read. This stops you forgetting to tell them things and takes the emotion out of it. It also gives the solicitor a point of reference should you decide to file for divorce. I recently helped someone to do this and could let you have a master to get you going then all you have to do is fill in the blanks.

I also attended the first meeting at the solicitors as moral support and took notes as to what the solicitor advised was the legal position. Could let you have a copy of these also.

The person filing for divorce is usually the only one that can put a halt to the proceedings. So if you instigate the divorce the ball is in your court. Also you would need to take your marriage certificate with you as once you instigate divorce proceedings then this is taken off you. If you haven't got it then get a copy from the Registrar's Office. I think the cost of this is about £7.00 ish. Then take a photocopy for yourself and keep it.

Agree with CB1979 about having the joint account made so that both signatures are required to pay bills or draw on it.

Apologies if this sounds a bit cold and clinical but you really do need to be practical when dealing with this.

Good luck.

cazziebo

You're not lost and alone - we're here for you.

This is a horrible situation and your good nature is being exploited. I would do as other posters have said and get professional advice (excellent advice from rheme - too many people use the lawyer as a counsellor and they cost way too much for that!) Focus on the facts. You're not shirking your responsibilities - you want to meet them but you're being taken for a ride.

Pay your ex the minimum you have to pay. She has to realise that you are not a meal ticket for life - she created this situation and has to live with the consequences. if you have the children four days a fortnight then you can buy them clothes, treats etc then - you're in control. Once this is established you can loosen up if and when you decide to. (For example, my ex would often pay the children's fares when we went on holiday.)

You sound a really nice guy and you deserve much better treatment than this. Your kids are lucky to have such a lovely dad.
Take Care

xx

alwaysonthego_2

Unfortunetly the cab can only offer you limited advice on this type of problem. Your best bet is to go to see the solicitor they recommended and follow the advice of the above poster taking bullet points in with you.

Usually the equaty in the home is divided 70/30 or 60/40. Your ex may get a court order to allow her to stay in the home like another poster mentioned. Remember that the mortgage is in joint names so she is also responsible. Is it possible you could go to a mediator to talk through the arrangements before it gets dragged through the courts, it would be easier on the children if things were more amicable. Usually the csa payments are about 15% of your wage, if you are paying this privatley make sure you have some kind of written proof so she can't say you haven't paid her. Good luck!!!

paddy's_mum

I find it hard to think of anything you might have done during the marriage which would justify your wife moving another man into your house within two weeks of you being pushed out of it! The very fact that she is happy to leave the children with you for four day stretches strongly suggests that you are a decent sort of chap, which makes her conduct even more appalling.

You are in a much stronger position than you realise. I say it often to women but it applies equally to men. There are laws in this country which will determine who gets what and when and how. In your shoes, I would be instigating divorce proceedings, like last week. To be the petitioner puts you fair and square in the driving seat and takes the control out of the hands of this scheming and blatantly unfair woman ... and her accessory of a mother.

As far as the Mother In Law (MiL) is concerned, I would be ignoring all her threats. If she keeps pushing, you can do one of two things. You can call her bluff and say you will be happy to see her in court or you can agree that to avoid her losing any money, you will go on the holiday with them. I suspect that if they think you will be along to blight your wife's high jinks, they will very soon change their tune!

Has your wife actually thought through what will happen if you simply stop paying the mortgage? Has it occurred to her that if you refuse to be caring for the children 40% of the time, she may be in a very unhappy position? Does she realise that that 40% has a direct effect on any CSA payments you may be required to make? Does she (and come to that, do you?) realise that you are every bit as entitled as she to live in the house that you both own? What is to stop you walking, or perfectly lawfully breaking, back into your home and taking up residence again?

Can you see that you really do need to take legal advice. If money is dreadfully tight, would your family help tide you over the costs until things are more sorted out and you can see the way ahead?

I really feel for you and suspect that you are the victim of your own niceness. I wish you courage and a happier outcome and just wish I could do more than write words while you are feeling lost in such a dark place. Good luck.

Firefly

Paddy''s mum speaks a lot of sense there. You do need legal advice, today. Don't be taken in by threats, because that's what they are, or held to ransom. The court will make a judgement on who is due what but you do need to keep accurate records; a solicitor will advise on this. My immediate concern is giving her access to any more money and making sure the bills are paid.

Alwaysonthego states Usually the equaty [sic] in the home is divided 70/30 or 60/40 but in my case the court had reason to award me all the equity in the home, so they look on each case individually and don't make blanket decisions.

It is so sad that albeit unintentionally the children are used as bargaining tools. Do what you can to maintain your relationship with them because I can see that being jeopardised.

Please get that legal advice, we can support you in general but you need a solicitor to discuss specifics.

You do come across as a nice guy and I wish you all the best for a happier future.