IA's back on the tracks diary.

immoral_angeluk

slowlyfading wrote: »

Excellent! therapy and money!! pics of the newly pierced lip?

Excuse how rough I look... got drenched coming home! :rotfl: Also the bar is a big one designed to allow for swelling, so once it's settled and stopped being swollen I'll put a smaller bar in so it'll sit against my lip. lol Going to have a small ring in eventually.

slowlyfading

the one at the side yeah? looks good!

donner_kebab

Heya IA,

Lovin' the lip piercing! Did it hurt a lot? I have my tongue and nose pierced...always fancied my lip too but worried of how much it would hurt! I too would want a little ring as think it looks wicked! Well done you and well do
ne on the course, bet you are glad to be home! xxx

jinky67

immoral_angeluk wrote: »

Afternoon
Have finished my course!!! :T:T:T:T:T:T bring on the interviews!!!


In other news.. I celebrated finishing my course by having a nice piece of metal shoved through my lip :rotfl:

Also... in OTHER slightly more random news.. Ste's been chosen to take part in a game with Kerrang radio... and on monday morning we're both going to birmingham (argh! again!) to be on the game 'Prizes for Privates'... where apparently I've got to shoot carefully placed targets on Ste's body with an airsoft rifle.. with the chance of winning £200 and tickets to be at a Kerrang launch party at an airsoft place... :rotfl:

So essentially... we could win £200 for me shooting Ste in the knackers... :rotfl:

Well done on finishing your course..clap hands
Ouch to the piercing.

And a huge big ROTFL for shooting Ste in his bits..aim well... big grin

Bunnyinthelights

I would like to play that game sar and have a few people I'd like to shoot in the ballox....

immoral_angeluk

donner_kebab wrote: »

Heya IA,

Lovin' the lip piercing! Did it hurt a lot? I have my tongue and nose pierced...always fancied my lip too but worried of how much it would hurt! I too would want a little ring as think it looks wicked! Well done you and well do
ne on the course, bet you are glad to be home! xxx

It actually didn't hurt that much at all. I was actually more bothered by the numbing stuff which made my dribble everywhere! :rotfl:
Not going to lie.. it stung a bit but it's all good..

Here's a pic of me looking less rough from last night.. :rotfl:

donner_kebab

Looking good! Didn't realise they used a numbing stuff! That's cool! When I had my tongue done they didn't use anything and it blimin' hurt! But I can't be without it now! Mmmmm now I want it done!

Jo4

Well done on finishing your course!! :j

immoral_angeluk

Firstly.. apologies to anyone who may be reading this... as I fear it's a bit of a rant/self indulgent ramble... but then again today is a funny kind of day and maybe by putting it all down in writing it'll help ease it a bit. A wrd of forewarning though, this has turned into a bit of a longwinded and depressing spillage of emotions and memories and some people would be best avoiding reading it. Especially if you've lost someone you love recently. But if you still want to read... then carry on, but don't say I didn't warn you.


Unfortunately today is the one day each year I dread. Maybe dread is a harsh word but I suppose it's the closest I can get to, as 3 years ago today my mum died. Couldn't even bring myself to go down the cemetary today... so feeling decidely !!!! with myself at the moment. Maybe I'm just pathetic. on the one day a year that it matters.. I couldn't bring myself to go. How much of a !!!!! must that make me.


For those who don't know my mum died of lung cancer on september 14th 2005. I didn't even get to see her on the day she died. The unit called me in the morning (as they had done quite a few times in the run up to all this..) to say that mum was going downhill again and they thought I should go in... but selfishly, as I'd had so much time off work in her last weeks I just said to them that I'd be in after and to ''Tell her I'll see her later....''
I had another call at work about 4pm to say things were getting serious and to go in.... but me... I guess in fear of asking to leave work early again, put off telling my boss and asking to go...
I finally left work at 4.30ish, went to pick up Ste and Ste's mum and then finally got to the residential home at 5ish...

God.... why am I writing this... *sigh*... oh well...as they say on mastermind.. I've started so I'll finish..

I walked through the door and down the corridor headed towards mum's room to be met by the head nurse. She asked if she could talk to me privately for a minute... and how stupid of me.... not even thinking anything of it... what an idiot... but then again I guess I didn't want to think about what she had to say...

We went into her office and she left me in there on my own for a minute before returning with another of the nurses... looking back it was so obvious what they were going to say but at the time I just wanted to see my mum and wished they'd hurry up and get on with whatever they wanted to tell me before I went in to see her and have our usual chats about how Ashli was, work, the weather.. how god awful tv had been today... just the usual menial stuff that everyone takes for granted. No idea where Ste and his mum were at this point... or whether they knew... but as I sat in that office it didn't even cross my mind the possibility...
So there I was. Sat in a cramped little room with bog standard day to day !!!! like filing cabinets and paperwork... completely oblivious.. but this wasn't everyday... the nurses weren't giving me their usual chit chat... or their niceties of telling me things that mum had made them laugh about today... instead all they said was...

''I'm sorry Sarah, your mum passed away about 15 minutes ago.
''

....

I don't remember much in the minutes that passed... my first memory is walking back down the corridor towards Ste. The only thing I could say was a feeble ''Ste'' before collapsing into his arms in tears.
The next memory I have
is of walking down the corridor towards her room... passing other people's mums and dads and grandparents and just looking at them. gathered round the communal tv..... at this point I was just numb... their faces said it all.... I caught eye contact with a couple of them... their faces were just emotionless and empty. They must've known.. all I could think about was that fact that because of my fear, and paranoia about what work would say.. I missed my last chance to say goodbye.


I then went in to see my mum. I guess part of me needed to see her to take it all in. Wasn't quite prepared for it though, but then again how could you be? I remember walking in as I'd normally do. If I remember right I even said 'Hello mum' as I went in as I'd do everytime... the only difference being that this time I got no answer... nothing... just silence... the room was dark and everything was just.... well.... still. Even if you hadn't have known about mum as soon as you walked in the room you'd have known. It was so surreal. My mum was there... but... she wasn't.I just sat on a chat at the end of her bed for ages... just... numb.....

...... I'm going to stop there. The rest, is as they say, history. It is true that the pain eases as time goes on, but you never get used to it. So many times I've thought to myself, oh I'll give mum a call... and then had to go through the whole heartache again of the realisation of it.
*Sigh*
There's been soooo many times where I've needed her... but... I guess there's not a lot I can do.


I'm really sorry if anyone has gotten this far and wishes they hadn't read it. I guess this is more for my benefit than anyone elses.. but I've posted it to show to people that you can come from being so low... and rebuild your life. I'm not the same person that I was, I guess something like that is bound to change you..and I've had to do a lot of refinding myself and rediscovering the person that people know and love... and god knows whether I'm anywhere near to being that person again... but I guess here's to another year of moving onwards and upwards... and trying my best to make my mum proud.


Mum, if by some weird twist of fate you can read this. I love you, and I'm sorry.

x

beanielou

Sar~You have nothing to be sorry for.
You love your mum very much as does your mum you.
She will be looking down & telling you not to be daft.
Take care
Lou xxx