Am I really such a cow?

KittyKate

OP, whilst not comparable, I spent my teenage years not talking to my mother. My brother (10 years my senior) had major jealousy issues when I was born (to my mum's then-new hubby, my dad) and physically abused me (hitting me, locking me in cupboard etc) when I was too young to understand why he hated me. When my parents divorced when I was 13, I went to live with my dad as living with my mum would have meant putting up with my brother.

I am now 25 and have a wonderful relationship with my mum, we both settled our differences and are very close. I haven't spoken to my brother in 12 years but now I have a house, fiance and car it doesn't matter, I see my mum on my own terms.

What I'm saying is that you need to get yourself sorted first, and then when you do feel ready to see your mum, see her on your terms. Explain why you don't want to see her partner.

Hopefully your mum will see what a strong woman you have become and might even consider you someone to lean upon if ever she leaves her controlling partner.

A year or so after I reconciled with my mum she was diagnosed with cancer. I am so thankful that we made up - my useless brother barely visited her in hospital, I was there every day for three weeks. I am so thankful I got that chance to make it up to her and show her I love her.

Your mum might have done things she regrets, OP, but please don't give up on her - she's your mum, and regardless of her poor choice in men, I'm sure she loves you.

RebekahR

Yes I had never thought of the counselling issue. Not sure if she would go through with it. Or if she did I would have to pay for it, go over there for it, etc etc. She would probably manipulate the counsellor to see it all her way lol. Had a laugh this morning. My sister texted me to say that mum had given her a book for her birthday ... that was free off of a magazine!!!!! Thats how bad she is lol. Any way I am 26 btw. Yes family therapy shounds good but expensive. I really don't know what I want out of it. I realy crave that mother daughter relationship. Going to each others houses, bringing presents and shopping together, her being there for me, advising me etc etc. But I can never realistically see this happen. I am the adult. It's like i'm talking to a child. She giggles and acts like a child. I am not for one second saying im any better than her. What I am saying is that this is the woman who I should look up to and respect and trust, I find myself doing the complete opposite. We have nothing in common either and I think If I didn't tolerate her partner she won't be interested in me either. I don't know If I just want to mend a bridge to be polite, or whether I want to forgive and forget, or whether I just want ot say buggger it and move on. I have spent so long thinking and I really don't know. What I really want a real mum to be there for me I think I can never have. So why am I pushign for something she will never be? I really appreciate all the views here as I find myself with blinkers on and not looking very wide at the situation! Yes I see about him controlling her and her own situation. It's just a mess and nothing I want to be involved in at all. I have had counselling for 6 months a few years ago.
The issue's I have with him himself is how treats people, not only my mother, but me and my sister. He keeps on telling us how much he loves us, and that we can call him daddy (at our age!? And I have a father already thank you very much). He came over for my birthday last year and wnted to go out and do wht he wanted to do every day (they were here for a week.) I suggested compromises like take it in turns each day to go somewhere each but no. He made a real fuss about they really must come and see me on my birthday it's so I said thats ok. On my birthday itself they were going to come over for tea. I had to cook nothing else was offered. I said the meal will be ready for 8 pm. 8pm came and went, 9m, 10pm, 10-30pm my partner gets a phone call asking him to pick them up! He was doing some work from home so said they can wait til he had finished as he was busy and had been waiting hours for them! So 11pm he got them and they turned up! Tea was obviously cold and practicaly ruined. My mum and dad had a little bit. But mums boyfriend - called Chris btw turned round and said no he didn't like it. Would have been nice to let me know before. So I said ok. My dad came out in the kitchen and told me that they had left home at 9am to go shoping in Southampton. And that Chris had kept them there and they didn't leave until 8pm! Apparently they were deliberately wandering around shops and if there were 2 of 1 shop like HMV he had to go in both ... not just one. My dad has parkinsons and was exhausted. Any way 1130pm came and Chris said ok thats that done shall we go home now. I hit the roof! I said look you made all this fuss about seeing me on my birthday, you deliberatly keep them out late so you arrive late here and ruin the dinner, and after all that you want to go after half hour?! He said yes and they went. and it's after that that I wrote mum a letter explaining how I hate this man and I never want to see him again. I hated him from the beginning and my dad didn't see them. But then he decided he would give it a go. So I said I would also. But after that I can't stand him any more. He is always texting me telling me how bad I am for not seeing my mum and for punishing my mum etc. Everything has to be on his/their turns and i'm not being manipulated by it any more.
I think I will write her a letter to explain I need time to think and yes on my terms. I am trying so hard to come up with boundaries and they are being knocked at all the time.
At the end of the day she is my mother. So I will not drop all contact. I just need to find a happy medium somewhere. I have told her many times to leave him. And that no one will look down on her for doing so but that we would look up to her instead. She wouldn't be out on her 'ear. She is just no where near strong enough I think.

RebekahR

Oh and as for my partner. I dont know what he thinks. He doesnt say much except for my poor baby. He hates my mum though lol and thinks Chris is a right prat. He came from a stable family so I think all this abuse and stuff is very alien to him. Something you normally hear on the news and now he is faced with it he doesn't really know what to do.

Hardup_Hester

Have you tried speaking to your Doctor? My BIL & his ex are seeing a counsellor, not marriage guidance, but to do with their daughter being abused by a family member. They do not pay, it is a free service offered by their local surgery

CB1979_2

simple, sod your mum. get yourself sorted out with your own counselling, once you're a bit better then look into joint counselling if that's what you need.

remember you will NEVER forget what has happened to you, but you may be able to forgive in time, just

remember you choose your friends, but not your family!!

just cos they're related doesn't mean you have to love them, certainly doesn't mean you have to like them!

ps you've totally confused me with your dad situation too! the dad you mention with parkinson's is this your dad that abused you??

ailuro2

Puddingpie wrote: »

I don't understand why she needs to forgive either or her parents.

Surely her mother should want to have a relationship with her?

Sometimes we need to forgive another person's personality failings in order to become the stronger person ourselves. The OP's mother sounds very weak, if I were the OP I'd strive to become the strong woman she is destined to be, and work out ways to see my mother on my own terms if I still wanted to. Sometimes we have to lie in order to protect ourselves. Partners do take us away for birthday treats, and the phone ringer can be left off when ppl work shifts. IF they turned up at the door say thecar broke down, or some other excuse if it's easier than the truth.

In an ideal world her mother would leave the controlling partner (victim mentality??) and support her daughter in reclaiming her childhood years etc, but sadly we don't live in an ideal world, I should know, I gave up trying with my parents many years ago -I had to accept that my mother is highly self centred and brought me down. I miss my mother like a hole in the head, which is sad, but I'm better off without her draining me.

Steel_2

You're under no obligation to have a relationship with your mother and her partner if it drains you, leaves you feeling bad about yourself and makes you feel fragile and resentful. Life is difficult enough without this.

If you don't like him, you don't like him and that's that! Like most maniupulative controlling people, he thinks if he pushes you for long enough you'll give in and he can control you. And all that Daddy business? Bloody creepy. I wouldn't send anymore letters to either them. You've explained yourself and made yourself clear. Letters just show your mother's partner he has you emotional and vulnerable - and I bet he loves making women feel like that.

Families are terrible for playing the guilt card all the time. Don't play their games and let them manipulate you anymore. Next time you're thinking of visiting them, tell them you'll be at a certain place in a nearby town at a certain time and would *LOVE* to see them both. A cafe or a diner or something. Pretend that you have somewhere else you have to be and leave after a couple of hours. If they don't turn up, that's down to them. Put yourself in the driving seat with visits.

I'd agree with the suggestions for counselling - not only will it give you tremendous strength, it will also give you the skills you need to deal with your mother and her partner.

One of my friends has had counselling for the last two years because of a controlling, manipulative mother and she is so much happier. She can recognise exactly what her mother is doing and the games and tricks she uses, but she has NEVER told her mother about her therapy. She considers it the only weapon she has! No matter what tactic her mother tries to make her feel guilty and pull her back under control, she remain completely cool, objective and above it all.

And if I were you, I'd change your mobile phone number so your mother's partner can't keep texting you. Say you lost it and haven't bought another one yet. They can ring on your landline number - and you can keep your answerphone on:rotfl:

Littlepaz

Hi - what a nightmare! having had similar struggles I had two years of counselling and it changed my life (for the better!!):j - best thing I did for myself - helped me to be able to get rid of the guilt 'thing' and set practical boundaries (and also learn what they are!!).

I think people can have 6 free sessions on the NHS (not sure if this is per year, sure the dr can advise), and good counsellors should at least be able to come up with something to help people who are struggling financially.

Plus I'm sure there's some short day-courses??

Various self help books helped too - found some great nuggets in the library and charity shops.

All the best for the future, these things are sent to try us but positive things will come out of it:T - at the very least you'll be even more stronger than you are already.

Witsend_2

RebekahR wrote: »

Forgot to say about divorce. My mum wrote in the solictors letter about various abuses some of it wasnt true, and made a big deal about how he abused me as a child. I wrote her a letter telling her how livid I was! What kind of mother does this? She never even asking me if it was ok. The first thing I hear about it is my father - my abuser - turning up on my doorstep letter from solicitor in hand asking me what I was going to do? To say I was shaking head to foot was putting mildly. I can never ever forgive her for that.

I can not comprehend what you have been through in your life and you are not a cow at all, ever! As a mother I have to say that I would do everything in my power to protect my children from harm.Wherever that came from. You shouldn't feel loyalty to this woman just because she is your mum, if she was a neighbour or friend then she would be out of your life. A neighbour, friend would have loved you and have protected you. I do hope that I'm not speaking out of turn but get counciling for yourself and concentrate on your relationship with your OH. You deserve a happy life and don't ever feel behold to the parents that let you down BIG TIME! May you find happiness in tomorrow x x

RebekahR

No I hadn't spoken to my gp sounds a good start though! Thankyou I will enquire to him and see what he says. I think I will write my mum a letter to say I need time out on my own to sort out my issues before we see each other again. And I will communicate to her when I am ready.

"ps you've totally confused me with your dad situation too! the dad you mention with parkinson's is this your dad that abused you??"

Yes this is my real dad. He still goes over to see my mother! He is as weak as they come. He moved all her stuff over for her, halved all the bank money she demanded, gave everything to her she wanted from the house that was a huge long list. Basically he is suffering now for what he did to me and he is only 53 ...

I don't need to worry about my mum ringing me lol! That would involve her spending money! A cheap text every few months is more than enough to her! A phone call would break the bank ... never ever recieved one once from her.
They would never just turn up on the doorstep either. They don't believe in coming or even asking to come, she expects to be invited only.

"And all that Daddy business? Bloody creepy."
That was the 1st thing that alerted me to how bad he was! This was on the first occassion we ever met! And he insists on smothering us with hugs all the time. Dead scary ...!!

Thank you all for your help. Its been fab just having some other insights and to give me the strength I need to deal with this. Hugs to all xx