Am I really such a cow?

RebekahR

I am feeling so angry, hurt, upset and betrayed. I am going to write here and it will probably come out in a tangle and make no sense.

My mum left home to move in with her toy boy about 5 years ago. He is a nasty controlling peice of work whilst she is easily manipulated and will go with anyone who shows her the slightest bif of attention.

Any way to cut a mega long story short I hated him and still do from the start. I gave it ago but after him ruining my birthday and trying to control and manipulate me I wrote my mum a long letter to say that I no longer wanted to see him. She never replied but he did. He told me how sorry he is and how he wants to make amends and can I please help him. I don't feel strong enough I can't do this. I have had a lot of carp in my life and other stuff I have made a break and am trying to make a life half decent for myself I dont want to drag myself back into all this guilt tripping stuff. Clearly I am though other wise I wouldnt be writing here mind ... any way they live 2 hours away from here and I see my mum every 1-2 years. It's always is that have to give in and go over there. She never rings, very rarely writes (unless its to tell me off about something) and only texts when she wants something. She always tells me about her self and never asks me. Me and my partner have been living together for 5 years in which amount of time she has been to our house 3-4 times. And has not been to our new house which we brought last year. I feel like this is the woman that should be interested in me, should be proud of me and what i've accomplished. But she doesnt care. If I see her it is always to slag people off and asking how so and so is and its just horrible. Any way they come over here to our town to the dentist as there is no dentist where they live. And he texted me numerous times asking me to meet up with my mother, She has done nothing wrong, im disrespecting her rah rah rah. It is sod all to do with him. I would happily go over there and meet her if I knew that he wouldnt show up. But I dont trust him. And I've invited her here numerous times and there is aways some excuse as to why she cant come. Why do I bother? And then again today (the day they are at the dentist) I get a pleading text to meet then, and where I should, and at what time and lots of please please. Why should I give in to the guilt trips, go and meet them, get nothing out of it but emotionally drained and feeling ill for days after wards. I just don't know what to do i'm sick of this.

frivolous_fay

Ok. It sounds as though your mum is unhappy, and boyfriend knows that it's his fault you don't want to meet her, because he'll be there.

I don't know your family history but personally, I don't judge my relationship with my mum based on number of phone calls or visits. I might get a call once in 4 months - that's just how we are. We get on fine, we just don't talk a lot. I don't drive, and she works shifts and does voluntary work, so we don't meet up much either. So I would cautiously say - don't take it personally.

You seem to be doing all your communicating with him - and you know you don't like him - could you ring your mum direct, and try to arrange to meet?

Oldernotwiser

I expect that your mother is as loyal to her partner as you are to yours and isn't willing to do things without him just because you don't like him.

Perhaps there's more to this than you've posted but it sounds as if he's keen to build bridges between you and your mother and you're hanging on to old grudges. Do you visit your mother at her house very often?

RebekahR

There are many many reasons why me and my mother dont get on. Child abuse was rife in our family and she used this in a court case (my dad wanted a divorce it never went through he got scared and backed down) My dad was my abuser and once this got mentioned and they came to the house to manipulate him he backed down and so they are technically still married. I dont communciate with him at all I ignore him since I wrote that letter to my mother. I explained everything how I felt etc etc. She moans I never write then when I did she never replied. He replied for her. It's like she cant do a thing. If I text her, he replies. Sometimes she does but not often. I could arrange to meet her but I don't trust him. He would tag along and I don't want to see him. I have had enough of manipulators in my life and he triggers me. Yes she is very loyal to him. Although I do feel he has some hold over her. She is only aloud £10 "pocket money" (her words) a week. They both sponge off the state and neither of them work. I used to go to their hosue all the time and they never came here. I stopped that as I was doing all the giving. Got to the point where they wanted to us to go all the time and litterally drop everything and run. And then when we didn't they would ignore us for months on end. Guess i'm just best off without them.

RebekahR

Forgot to say about divorce. My mum wrote in the solictors letter about various abuses some of it wasnt true, and made a big deal about how he abused me as a child. I wrote her a letter telling her how livid I was! What kind of mother does this? She never even asking me if it was ok. The first thing I hear about it is my father - my abuser - turning up on my doorstep letter from solicitor in hand asking me what I was going to do? To say I was shaking head to foot was putting mildly. I can never ever forgive her for that.

AnnieM_3

Your Father abused you, and your Mother used the information - without your consent - to manipulate him into NOT going through with a divorce? :eek:

I'm sorry, but she sounds like a right piece of work! I'd leave them to it and get on with your own life.

ceebeeby

Rebekah,

sorry to ask, but how old are you?

I'm not usually a big advocator of counselling, but certainly sounds as though both you and your Mum could do with something similar to marriage guidance, together.

Through no fault of either of you, you've been manipulated, used and I presume both abused. You see this still happening to your Mum. I'm not in any way qualified to make a judgement, but sounds as though there may be massive amounts of guilt from your Mum for not protecting you from that abuse, or not knowing how to deal with it.

I truly hope you find your common pathway and can learn how to show appropriate love, respect and care for one another. The rewards are phenomenal, a good mum / daughter relationship is one of the best things in life.

ameliarate

I'm not usually a big advocator of counselling, but certainly sounds as though both you and your Mum could do with something similar to marriage guidance, together.

I think you are thinking of family therapy, which would be an excellent idea in what sounds like a very complex situation. How does your partner feel about the whole thing? Do you want to see your mother as "mother and daughter" or do you still have issues with her that you want to resolve?

Perhaps you should write to them both stating that you feel that because of past events you need to spend some time alone with your mum to sort your relationship out and that although you understand that they are a couple you would appreciate it if he could try and understand this and give you a bit of time alone together. If they won't agree to this then perhaps you need to stop trying, but if they do then perhaps after a few times just the two of you, you need to give a little as well and agree to visit when he is there even if it is just popping in for a coffe for half an hour.

bestpud

If he is 'controlling' your mum then she is not going to act alone is she? Do you see the contradiction here? You are using his controlling manner as a reason for not visiting your mum but at the same time blaming her for not visiting you when, if your suspicions are true, she may not actually feel able to come alone.

Have you had any help dealing with the abuse? I would strongly suggest you get yourself in a 'stronger place' before going for family counselling, especially if you are feeling 'triggered' by this man.

I may be wrong but it seems you are very angry with your mum (and I'd say you have a right to be!) but at the moment it is all a bit of a jumble and this man is perhaps being 'blamed' for things he has played no part in?

As someone else said, some parents don't call or visit their children. My mum and dad are in the same town and they have visited my home about half a dozen times in 21 years and that has always been for a party or the like - never just a visit as such!! They very rarely call me either unless there is a reason to - ie not just for a chat. But I know they are there iyswim and we get on ok - it's just their way.

ailuro2

You have many issues you need to deal with to be happy within yourself before you would be ready to forgive your mother her faults and bad decisions. Write her a letter telling her you will be happy to see her, but on YOUR terms, andit will be after you've had a break to sort your head/heart out.

Then when you are stronger you can decide where, when how often etc. you want to see her.

There is no law that says we MUST keep in touch with our parents after we are grown.;)

Puddingpie_2

I don't understand why she needs to forgive either or her parents.

Surely her mother should want to have a relationship with her?

OP, I think you are better off away from both of them. You are banging your head against a wall and after all you've been through you deserve better.