am i being too hard

Benny24

As a previous poster says.....if she doesn't do anything then she doesn't get anything. Period.
You should charge her a little rent, set up a rosta etc. Speak to her. Give her a dead line or she's going to have to find herself somehwere else.
I worked after uni whilst trying to find a job. I paid money to my mum for my keep and helped out around the house.
However when I came to move out about a year later, Mum presented me with a cheque for the rent I had been paying her during the year. She had been putting it aside, and it gave me a nice litle bonus for things I needed in my new place.

liney

CB1979 wrote: »

well i don't like salmon, so if my mum bought that for me, you're telling me i should be forced to eat it?

however the main problem is the fact OP is getting taken for a mug, so if i felt like crap about something i'd be buying daughter value stuff and certainly not buying salmon for her, sure for myself (if i was op) but not wasting money on selfish kid who doesn't contribute either financially or physically.

I would never buy 'value stuff' for my kid then eat 'luxury' food myself! That's awful. But no you shoudn't be forced t eat it: you can go an buy yourself something else from the shop and cook that, because your mother shouldn't be expected to provide you with alternatives if you aren't contributing financially. If you aren't paying you eat what you are given - what if you were a guest at someone's house? Would you say 'I'm not eating that' and demand something else instead?

There are a few options:

Daughter contributes financially, and then she can have a say on what's on the shopping list. Mother and daughter take turns in cooking each night.

Daughter buys her own food, and cooks for herself.

There is a housework rota put in place OR if daughter is unable to contribute financially she does most of the housework to pay 'in kind'.

At 21 there are women who are married, working and have children. She needs prompting to grow up, and will not do so until you tell her straight she must.

CB1979_2

liney wrote: »

I would never buy 'value stuff' for my kid then eat 'luxury' food myself! That's awful. But no you shoudn't be forced t eat it: you can go an buy yourself something else from the shop and cook that, because your mother shouldn't be expected to provide you with alternatives if you aren't contributing financially. If you aren't paying you eat what you are given - what if you were a guest at someone's house? Would you say 'I'm not eating that' and demand something else instead?

actually if i was going round to someone's house for dinner, then yes they would've already asked me what i wanted/told me what it was and then i would say sorry i don't eat that, i'll sort myself something out.

many times i've been round my girlfriend's parents house, they're all having liver or whatever else i don't eat, i offer to sort myself something else (either a sandwich or takeout) cos i don't think it's fair for her mum to have to cook 2 meals, however sometimes she insists.

the "kid" is 21, doesn't contribute ANYTHING, so i have to watch my pennies, i'll eat chicken breast she can have reformed chicken & turkey value nuggets.

if she doesn't like that set up, she contributes, either financially or physically or even better BOTH.

she's a woman, who's doing f*ck all and is expecting to live in luxury whilst doing nothing, so either do something or get basics, some people need to be forced into a situation where they need to change cos the alternative is rubbish otherwise.

jfdi

Poor you!

Do feel for you but also feel you've half brought it on yourself by letting her get away with it!

My son has just completed 2nd yr at Uni (he was living away from home), is up to his eyeballs in student debt and is off to work in USA for a year in 3 weeks (part of his degree).

Within 2 weeks of finishing (end May) he had work lined up until his flight goes. :T He's working f/t Mon - Fri (as do myself & his father), keeps himself & his room clean & tidy, cooks dinner some nights, prepares his own lunch, helps (ish!) with housework & does all his own ironing. And no fuss at all because we've always treated him as someone capable of being his own person & with respect for us. We're not accepting 'keep' off him (unless he wants to treat us to a takeaway! ) as he has to support himself in USA until his first pay (hopefully end Sept).

Give your daughter a bit of leeway to finish her Thesis (the procrastination is worse than the doing, I seem to recall!) but insist & EXPECT her to pull her weight around the house. Stop nagging - it won't work - just reward the 'good' behaviour and ignore the bad. And certainly agree about the food - she doesn't like it? Tough!

Oldernotwiser

CB1979 wrote: »

actually if i was going round to someone's house for dinner, then yes they would've already asked me what i wanted/told me what it was and then i would say sorry i don't eat that, i'll sort myself something out.

How very strange! I know that if I were inviting someone for dinner I'd ask them if they were vegetarian or had any allergies but I wouldn't expect them to run their personal preferencies past me!

Auntie-Dolly

If you aren't getting in from work until 9pm why on earth doesn't she have a meal ready for you? She's 21, not 12!

Rikki

Oldernotwiser wrote: »

How very strange! I know that if I were inviting someone for dinner I'd ask them if they were vegetarian or had any allergies but I wouldn't expect them to run their personal preferencies past me!

I agree. :T

They may prefer steak but if all I could afford was mince they'd get HM burger.

pinkshoes

I lived at home for a couple of months killing time before my graduate job started.

I did the gardening, made an effort to cook at least 1 meal a week, always washed up, did my own clothes washing, and volunteered to do the shopping and run errands. I was very grateful my parents didn't ask any rent of me, as I was broke!

I would suggest you immediately stop doing anything for your daughter. DO NOT cook for her, and buy as much salmon as you can eat! Don't wash her clothes, or do anything else for her!

If she questions it, tell her that you're fed up of waiting on her hand and foot, and that if she wants to be treated as part of the household, she needs to pull her weight. Remind her she's an adult now, so should stop expecting to be treated like a child!

belfastgirl23

I agree that this is unreasonable behaviour. But you've been colluding with her by putting up with it. Well done on realising it can't go on. You aren't doing your daughter any favours in the long run - eventually someone is going to have to teach her this stuff and it's better off being you.

First of all you need to tell her very clearly and calmly that her behaviour is not acceptable to you any more. And then you need to act. Stop cooking for her (you can tell her she's very welcome to eat whatever she wants if you feel bad about this). Don't do her washing if you have been doing. If she is someone who likes stuff tidy then just have your own bowl and plate etc and eat from them and let the other stuff pile up. Spend time in your own room. Maybe she needs to see what all you do.

It will be up to you to be tough about this though, it won't be easy but no one else can do it for you.

Good luck!

margaretclare

No, you are not being too hard, and I find it incredible that this question even needs to be asked. It wouldn't have been, in earlier generations. It wasn't uncommon for young people to leave school on a Friday and be part of the working world on Monday, then bring home wages from the first pay-day.

I agree with Loretta that entry into maturity is now being put off later and later. Who needs a 'gap year', for instance, and who pays for it? Any parent with adult child/ren has done her job and needs to start thinking of her own future, putting something aside for retirement, the things she wants to do herself, rather than being run ragged by a young adult who wants the pleasures and privileges of childhood while at the same time demanding the pleasures and privileges (but not the responsibilities) of adulthood.

It is going to be hard now you have let her get away with this state of affairs for so long, but you've gotta start putting your foot down NOW.