am i being too hard

shoperholicnot

my daughter who is 21 lives with me. at the moment she is not working,she is finishing her final year for her degree.
she does nothing around the house at all, apart from maybe some washing up if moaned at constantly. she will not make the intiative to tidy etc. nothing.
i do all the cooking, i work different hours and sometimes i do not get home until 9 at night, she still expects me to cook her a meal, she will not make the effort to cook for herself when i am working late.
i have just bought lots of salmon which she is refusing to eat, so i will have to eat it all myself or end up throwing it away. she complains constantly and i feel that nothing that i do her is good enough for her.
i am fed up. am i wrong to feel like this and am i being too hard?

Surfbabe

no you are not being too hard. She is a grown woman and is lucky that as a student she has been able to live rent free whilst studying.
Does she contribute anything monetary wise to the household - does she have student loans etc? If no then she is exceedingly lucky - point out to her that it would cost about £100 to rent at most Universities with food on top.

You are not a doormat !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! but she is wiping her feet all over you.

Oldernotwiser

Whether or not she's been contributing financially whilst at university, make sure that she starts to now, even if it's only part of her JSA. You need to make the fact that she's no longer a student a reason for making a new beginning, both financially and in terms of attitude, If you don't crack down now she'll walk all over you until she moves out (which may be never if she's too coddled!)

You need to make her realise that she's no longer an overgrown teenager but an adult, working (hopefully!) woman who needs to play an equal part in running the household. If you don't do this soon (and personally I think you've let this go on too long already) then you'll set a horrendous pattern for the future. If she does so little now, when she's not working, you have little chance of her changing once she's out at work. Stand up for yourself; are you a woman or a mouse?

shoperholicnot

well she has been living at uni on and off and came home permanently in may. so she does not give me anything financially, which i dont expect at the moment.
she is looking for a job and is finishing off her disssertation (which she got a extension for)

Loretta

I was talking to a relative recently about a student daughter, we came to the conclusion that instead of starting to grow up after they leave school at 16 or 18 if they go on to university and do a gap year etc they do not start this growing time until about 24 or 25 and lots of parents are indulging them.

She is very fortunate to be going to university and very fortunate to be living at home with you. She is an adult and should behave like one. Take the time to have a proper conversation with her, she is presumably now on holiday and not going back to unisversity until October. She should be working round the clock at any job she can get and doing her fair share of everything in the house as any two adults sharing a house should.

When she finishes university I wonder if she will have the get up and go to get a job and live a life

lynzpower

I agree. She is 21, by this age many university young people will have had to live in a houseshare, and shared responsibilities with others. I lost count of how many arguments I had over washing up & hoovering with my housemates over the years.
Why not have a sit down talk and suggest that you treat your house as a houseshare. She needs to contribute to food & bills. She needs to co-operate with cleaning and other duties. She needs to do her own washing - as I remember few of my housemates would have ever taken it upon themselves to do my washing for me. Maybe stop buying food for her- she could buy her own? Find a middle ground that you are all happy with, and set some sort of time limit? If she doesnt like it then i suggest you seriously think about asking her to move out.

She might be up for it anyway, she might feel quite hemmed in living with her parents at this age and the lack of money will also be impacting on her self esteem. I dnt know what she did her degree in, but many of my mates ( and me too) found it very hard indeed to find work after completing degrees, so be prepared that she may feel that the last 3 years are in vain, and this can lead ( it certainly did to me & some of my peers) of despair- as the realisation can dawn that she might be less employable now than if she had entered the labour market with just her A levels. Indeed these are tough economic times and she might find that the labour market is constricted. So support her in suggsting all the up income ways of making money ( ebay/ clicking etc).

virgin_moneysaver

you need to put your foot down - my 17yr old is about to start his A level year & works 3 evenings at a supermarket , I wouldn't dream of asking for 'keep' as he's not earning enough & not out of education, but he funds his car from his wages & buys his extras that I can't afford, (mobile phone, ipod etc) - I give him £10 on his payg & buy his basic clothes as & when he needs them & his toiletries

I do have to 'remind' him to muck out his room now & then & he'll make his own lunch but he asks if he can help, the younger one is the same - they help out with stuff relative to their age

I always helped out at home & when I moved out it wasn't a big adjustment - my little sis was spoiled that way (by me as well as M&D) & when she first moved out she didn't know what hit her!

for your sanity & for her sake she needs to become the adult that she is - good luck

Ex-Big-Spender

If she [EMAIL="won@t"]won't[/EMAIL] cook - she doesn't eat !
If she won't wash her clothes - she smells !
If she won't clean after herself - she should find herself out on her ear !!

What are you - her personal slave ????
Seriously though - you aren't doing her any favours by being this kind to her becasue when she leaves home she simply won't be able to cope. Now is the time to show her what being an adult means i.e. taking responsibility, sharing, co-operation etc.etc.

Good luck !

CB1979_2

she's not expecting you to do it, she KNOWS you'll do it.

as big spender says, just do your own stuff.

if you work shifts or whatever, ensure those are the days she does the cleaning & cooking, if she doesn't then get yourself something on your own or bring in a portion of chips or whatever for yourself.

however i don't agree with you being angry about the salmon, if she didn't ask for it then you can't blame her for not eating it, pretty sure you can seal it and freeze it anyway.

Oldernotwiser

CB1979 wrote: »

however i don't agree with you being angry about the salmon, if she didn't ask for it then you can't blame her for not eating it, pretty sure you can seal it and freeze it anyway.

In my world you only get to choose what you eat if you're paying for it!

CB1979_2

well i don't like salmon, so if my mum bought that for me, you're telling me i should be forced to eat it?

however the main problem is the fact OP is getting taken for a mug, so if i felt like crap about something i'd be buying daughter value stuff and certainly not buying salmon for her, sure for myself (if i was op) but not wasting money on selfish kid who doesn't contribute either financially or physically.