want to end marriage

sassybooboos

Have known for last 2 years that ive wanted out, but i have come to the point now that ive got to end the marriage, cant go on with it any longer.

we have a mortgaged property at the moment.
do i stay at the home, as we have a child ( he will leave, as discussed splitting up 2 years ago, but he talked me round)

im worried as im not working i wont be able to pay mortgage etc.

as council tenants get everything paid for if on income support, would i be better giving up the home and trying to get council home.(not sure if i would be entitled)

have looked on benefits boards and the most i would get is £120 a week. (cant work at moment as child too young)

live miles away from my family and got no one to confide in.

help help help!!!!!!!!

dont know what to do first.

whitewing

Sassy,

Firstly, have you tried Relate for counselling? Although I never agree with staying in a bad relationship for the sake of it, I have been a single mother a long way from family and it is really, really horrible. Apart from anything else, you tend to be so busy with all the responsibilities that you forget things really easily. There are so many cute things my son said and did that I thought I would remember but I forgot because there was no one close to share them with. I also felt terrifically guilty about removing my son from his father's daily life.

Secondly, in terms of practical help, try going to the Citizen's Advice Bureau. They can explain benefits etc much better than trying to get the info online which can be overwhelming. Take it slowly, and remember that it will seem really bad but you can manage with whatever decision you make.

lauren_1

as council tenants get everything paid for if on income support, would i be better giving up the home and trying to get council home.(not sure if i would be entitled)

Not sure, you may be deemed as making your self voluntary homeless, it may be better to sell the house and split the proceeds or you could RENT a house for you and the child.

If you are on income support you can claim housing benefit for a rented property, much easier than waiting for a council house and depending on your area you may not get one for quite a while, i was on a list for 3 years and got no where living out of hostels and b&b's that was with a child too.

Not everything is free wilth a council house, you still have to pay the utilites and a small portion of rent, it may be better financially for you if you were to find a part time over 16 hours a week.

pinkshoes

Can we ask why you no longer want to be married to him? Usually people asking for advice about leaving a partner are very quick to state specific reasons why they want/need to leave i.e. infidelity/violence/drinking problems etc...

Are you 100% sure this relationship can't be saved with councelling? The longer you stay with someone, the more work you have to do on the relationship to keep it exciting and fresh, then when children come along, it can often upset the balance.

If you're 100% sure you want to leave him, then you need to talk to him about it. You need to then find a balance between what you're entitled to and what the two of you can afford, and come up with a sensible solution.

aliasojo

pinkshoes wrote: »

Can we ask why you no longer want to be married to him? Usually people asking for advice about leaving a partner are very quick to state specific reasons why they want/need to leave i.e. infidelity/violence/drinking problems etc...

I think the reasons why are irrelevent. Especially since this isn't a spur of the moment decision.

Op, you need factual info. The CAB will help with info, as will the council and also the benefits agency. Different areas have different policies re: appointments needed or not but it's worth a phone call to all 3 to find out.

I feel it's always best to be informed as to your possible options before you start 'the talk'. IMO.

pinkshoes

aliasojo wrote: »

I think the reasons why are irrelevent. Especially since this isn't a spur of the moment decision.

Op, you need factual info. The CAB will help with info, as will the council and also the benefits agency. Different areas have different policies re: appointments needed or not but it's worth a phone call to all 3 to find out.

I feel it's always best to be informed as to your possible options before you start 'the talk'. IMO.

I disagree, I think it's VERY relevant, as many people wrongly take their relationships for granted.

If they have young children, then perhaps the pressure of looking after the kids meant they have neglected their relationship in the last few years.

All good relationships require hard work.

If there's no specific reason for wanting to split up (as usually mentioned), then I think councelling is an excellent idea, as if there's a chance the relationship can be sorted by councilling, then what's there to loose?

bravobeastie

lauren_1 wrote: »

If you are on income support you can claim housing benefit for a rented property,
.

You don't need to be on income support to claim Housing Benefit and/or Council Tax Benefit

kizzykizzywizzy

I'm in the opposite side to this, my DH doesn't want to be with me anymore & doesn't have one specific reason why, & it was out of the blue.
I would've liked the chance to work at it, marriage is not something I went into lightly, but he won't.
It seems you have tried to work on yours for 2 years, so well done to you on that score.
I agree that life pressures, kids etc do add to any problems, but they are a very BIG reason to try & make it work, saying that, you do not want to be in a relationship JUST for the children.
Will your DH pay the mortgage etc, mine has said he'll pay for everything! though he will barely be able to get by & will just have to rent a room, as he won't be able to afford anything, it seems that is preferable to staying with me.
Take Care & try to be nice to him, it's going to be a big shock, he may say some horrible things to you, but that will be because you've hurt him, don't add to this by doing the same back ( as my DH did ) he'll be hurt enough

aliasojo

pinkshoes wrote: »

I disagree, I think it's VERY relevant, as many people wrongly take their relationships for granted.

If they have young children, then perhaps the pressure of looking after the kids meant they have neglected their relationship in the last few years.

All good relationships require hard work.

If there's no specific reason for wanting to split up (as usually mentioned), then I think councelling is an excellent idea, as if there's a chance the relationship can be sorted by councilling, then what's there to loose?

The point is though....the OP has asked for advice on the practicalities of separation as she has already made the decision. She didn't post looking for advice on her relationship.

I appreciate your post makes perfect sense to anyone looking to discuss relationship issues but I think in this instance, it wasn't what was requested.

cazziebo

I think what is being given is honest, well meant advice that may not be what the original poster was looking for, but should be considered.

I would always say to anyone contemplating a split, especially when there are children - don't do it unless this is a very last resort. I know many many people, my ex included, who wishes they had tried harder to repair a broken relationship. It may seem at the time the best way, but the damage to all parties is considerable. Arguably, my ex, my children and I are much happier now than we would have been had we stayed together, but how do you quantify the damage and hurt caused by the split? And ours wasn't even that acrimonious...

OP - it's almost impossible to get a council house unless you are actually homeless. Maintenance payments will be calculated and if you are on benefits then there really is no gain - one is just subtracted from the other. If you are unable to work, then you are looking at living with very limited finances (unless your OH is in the position to pay generous maintenance).

I hope you get things sorted.

lauren_1

You don't need to be on income support to claim Housing Benefit and/or Council Tax Benefit

Yes, i know but many seem to think you can only get HB on a coucil property, i also pointed out that she may be better off working 16 hours this will entitle her to maximum everything including housing benefit, keep her maintainance and also help with childcare costs.

Having a young child does not mean you can not work.