Any help would be much appreciated!

Marker_2

GrahamJP wrote: »

Marker,
So how do you come up with that? As well as the CSA payments I've also agreed to help with things like car insurance payments so not only will I be fulfilling my obligations to my daughter but I will also be helping her mother. I am also buying them things like TV, irons, kettles, microwave, crockery, helping pay off a large chunk of her personal overdraft etc etc this weekend amongst a heap of other things. Does this look like someone who is not doing much for his child???

Yes, my payments may be what the CSA recommends but I am going to try to keep the house going (will be my daughter's one day). It's going to be a huge struggle financially but I'm going to give it a go. That's not the actions of someone who isn't helping his daughter. Oh and I've done all I can to keep my family together and desperately wanted them to stay. The final choice in all this has not been mine. DO you think this is the way I saw fatherhood turning out????

OK I have to reply because Ive caught up on this thread again after taking time to read it instead of skimming

I do feel for you that your ex doesnt want to give it a go, especially the fact that you have enabled her to spend the last 3? years at home with the little one. I think its a little selfish, but not knowing you or your ex or the problems (if any) you've had its difficult to comment there.

Again it is good that you are helping her set up home elsewhere by paying for the rent and buying the home products, but that is I suppose where my problems lie slightly. The child having to move out of the home, the home she spent day in day out with the mother (presumably). If your kid just comes visit you in her old home on weekends, that must be horrible (Ive been there and done that - not to mention possibly in a few years time you having a new family and anny future kids living there full time).

Is there no way that you can hold off on this or maybe see if the ex wants to work it out one last time?

GrahamJP_2

I've asked my ex on numerous occasions to get back together. I've got strong values about families sticking together and working things out but she is of a completely different opinion.

My ex has shown little or no inclination to obtain more finance to provide more assistance and appears to have decided to retire in her mid 20's!!! I think it's awful that my child has to move out and it's heartbreaking but I don't see I have any options. I can guarantee that the situation would still have been the same in 6 months time. Me living with my parents and my ex/daughter still in our house, with me still paying for EVERYTHING and having no real life of my own. I felt that couldn't continue.

N71

Living in Markers ideal work isn't guarenteed to be great either.

When me & ex split up, we decided i'd buy him out of the house so kids could stay in there home, but even though I was working i still couldn't afford to keep the house going on my own (ex turning into a loon, and leaving work to avoid paying CSA didn't help), so after trying and getting into debt over two years, we had to move out into rented accom. anyway.

I think GrahamJP is doing everything right to make the best out of a bad situation. If he let OH stay in the house with the child, she couldn't afford to keep it up, especially if she plans to stay retired and her only income is IS and CSA.

GrahamJP needs applauding for being a caring dad who's obviously doing his best.

Marker_2

N71 wrote: »

Living in Markers ideal work isn't guarenteed to be great either.
.

Having been the child of something similar to what you've posted - I only aim for ideal's!

frugallass

N71 wrote: »

GrahamJP needs applauding for being a caring dad who's obviously doing his best.

Agreed !

Graham you've coped with this situation admirably, the £65/£75 a weeks sounds pretty good to me (I get £23 a week to feed and clothe a 15 year old) and she's just pushing her luck for more (for the gym probably ).

Just make sure you have an audit trail of any money you pay her so you can prove this if required at a later date.

How's the little one coping?

EIGHTOF8

Hi GrahamJP,
I went through a similar experience; however I got indemnified from responsibility to the mortgage through court and left my ex have the house and moved on and bought myself a new home where I could care for my 2 children. That was 10 years ago.
I tried to reconcile with my ex many times, but ended up getting arrested for harassment: just don’t go there, no matter how much you want to. She has made her mind up, and that is that.
As for getting mortgage in your name only: You will have to get a solicitor to offer her a sum in exchange for her signing over the house and mortgage and policies over to your sole name. This shouldn’t cost more than £600 to make the change, but it’s up to you how much you offer.
The new locks on the door are your ex’s property, so if you damage them, regardless of any other damage, you will have caused criminal damage to her locks and can be arrested if you get a jobs worth copper.
I think you have done well in what you have done, but would like you to know that your situation will greatly improve in the years to come. So any worries you have now, put them aside and enjoy life.



Just some suggestions!

1. If you find you are struggling financially, think about having a lodger or 2, preferably friends (very helpful when you have your daughter stay with you).
2. If you ever find that you are in a position to be a full time dad, go for it. You would be a much better role model for her than your ex as she grows up. Don’t assume that the mother always gets the kids or think that the child should always live with the mother.
3. Only pay the 15% and nothing else. You can always treat your daughter when she is with you to make up for any loss by her living with her mother. That way, your daughter will want to be with you more and this will also encourage your ex to try harder to compete for her. It will improve the quality of life for your daughter. You are not responsible for your ex and you should not help her pay bills because she can’t be a*sed to work: just so that it helps your daughter. You have a new life now. And once you have improved you life, you daughter will benefit from it. It’s like they say on planes (Put the oxygen mask on yourself first as putting it on the baby first will be of no help to the baby if you collapse while doing it).
It was 10 years ago for me, and I have been with my new partner for 5 years now. The mortgage is payed off and my children are happy; they get the best off me and my ex.
Good luck with your future, but most of all don’t worry. It will get better.

moggylover

GrahamJP wrote: »

Hello everyone,

Can I run this past you? I'm looking to see if I can get the mortgage into my name only and basically give my ex a lump sum to achieve this. My thought has been to offer half the difference between the mortgage outstanding and the house value. Is that normal?

Have worked out that the house value is currently about 10000 more than the mortgage amount so I was thinking of offering 5000. Does that sound reasonable????

Thanks.

Yes, but much as I thik you will hate me for sying this - if I were you I would be trying to ensure that my child had a home first (even if this did mean giving my ex a home I did not want her to have) and I do think that in almost all cases every effort should be made to ensure the children of a broken relationship do not loose their home.

I know that things have changed now, but when I was a kid and people broke up the Courts normally insisted that the partner with care got the family home until the kids were of an age to leave home/reached majority, and that the home was then sold and the proceeds split. I still think that this was a very fair and sensible way to ensure that children were unsettled as little as possible in a marriage break up.

I think that trying to find some way for your child to stay in her home is the most important thing to do now - and I appreciate that it may be difficult - but I do know people who pay the mortgage on their old home instead of maintenance, and therefore, retain the benefit of its appreciation in value even though unable to realise this until the children are grown. I am sure that your ex could claim benefits for her and the child until she is able to return to work when your daughter is at school.

I think mediation, and finding a way to make this possible, whilst still being able to go on with your own life would be the route I would take. It may be YOUR home, and bought totally with YOUR money - but it is more importantly your childs home - and whatever the problems between her mum and you, I think that needs to be the first concern.

SuziQ

It appears to me-although I am often wrong!-that the mother and child are being moved into rented,as they can get help with housing whilst the man on his own can't-so leaving her in the house meant him paying for the mortgage and his own housing.I'm not passing judgement-just observing!

Canaan

EIGHTOF8 wrote: »

Hi GrahamJP,
I went through a similar experience; however I got indemnified from responsibility to the mortgage .

Hello.
Could you please explain this to me? Does this mean that you basically signed everything over to your ex and she didnt have to take out another mortgage and "buy you out" so you speak, she just took over the payments and ownership of the house??

Thanks in advance

EIGHTOF8

Hi Canaan,
It was an agreement written by my solicitor and agreed by both parties. I just agreed that she could carry on living in the house as long as she could guarantee that I would have no future obligation to the mortgage even though my name was still on it. So, basically, in answer to your question. Yes