Another potential break up

QWERTY555

Sorry for another breakup post. Here is my tale.

I have been married for 20 years and last week I finally told my OH that I have had 2 affairs in the last 7 years, the last one broke up 2 years ago. We have 2 children 12 and 14 and I always felt that I was staying for the kids. However things have been very bad at home and we became like strangers we just co existed in the same house. My OH always told me she loved me but I could not say I loved her, but in fact told her I did not and was only staying as I could not afford to leave or because of the kids etc. whatever my faults she is still my best friend and I care very deeply and am so ashamed of myself. I have always phoned her every day and cannot comprehend life without her and the kids. But I know everyone says – just kick me out etc etc. I understand that and expect that.

We hardly talked at all, only day to day issues. I was afraid to talk about emotions and I was fearful my affairs would come to light and I would be kicked out there and then etc etc. I a shamed to say I treated her like a doormat doing whatever I liked. The OH became depressed and became addicted to virtual world on line games and would spend all her spare time on that. Now she sees that as her lifeline and it makes her happy.

Back to today 1 week on from the bombshell I have not been asked to leave as she says she is to emotional to make such a life changing decision, but she does not believe I can change and as such at some point I will be told to go. She cannot even talk to her mother as she feels she has to make the decision alone and it must be hers alone. If she forgives me it becomes a clean slate.

In my minds it is just a case of waiting for the axe to fall, and for me to get what I deserve.

We have finally talked about break up finances and here I have no idea. I can barely manage 1 house. My take home is 2000 and hers is anything from zero to 500 as a self employed person. She will not work in school holidays. We just about break even and have just remortgaged and we have no other debts or savings. I would not want the house sold to uproot the kids. We also have 3 buy to let properties as long term mortgage with about 35k equity. She would wants me to buy her out of those, but selling at present seems impossible. These are cost neutral and I would want to keep them as my pension.

Where do we go from here. I don’t want to leave, I want to repair the damage. Where do we go financially, where do we find out how much I should pay. I can see no way out without debt.

We are both so mixed up and confused. What a mess

Mips

Qwerty what concerns you more? Losing your best friend or starting again from scratch, financially?

QWERTY555

Losing my OH and kids of course

QWERTY555

If I have to leave, which I dont want to, I want to know what to do.

I want to act in a grown up mature fashion. I dont want to make it any harder that it will already be.

Mips

QWERTY555 wrote: »

Losing my OH and kids of course

I think you both need space - OK, she has become more absorbed with the internet but that is easily solved. Why not go away for a much needed break and actually communicate with one another?

She doesn't sound unreasonable - if you were mine you'd have been flung out with ripped up clothes behind you but you need to both talk to get this out of your system.

Telling her you stay for the kids and financial reasons had probably really hurt her.

Mips

QWERTY555 wrote: »

If I have to leave, which I dont want to, I want to know what to do.

I want to act in a grown up mature fashion. I dont want to make it any harder that it will already be.

If you have to leave you will have to rent a room somewhere as cheap as possible until you can work out what you need to support your family home and your children whilst also having enough to be able to sort yourselves out.

Your Wife will not want to upset your children as much as you don't want to .. so this I am sure will buy you time.

Leaving under a big cloud is not ideal and rightly, you don't want to do that.

pukkamum

I don't understand you say you don't love her but you don't want to leave!!! Why would you stay with her feeling as you do? It is just cruel you want your cake and eat it!! If you don't love her do the decent thing and leave her and maybe she can find someone who does!!! To say you are staying because she is your best friend is a cop out you are scared of losing your house and your kids and are happy to let your wife carry on living with someone who will leave her in the end (probably after a few more affairs) It seems to me that you want her to throw you out therefore exonerating you from any blame (ie she threw me out i didn't want to leave!!) Have some back bone man!!!!

loftus

I'm with pukkamum here - you don't love her but you want to stay? Why?

I love the best friend thing too - how many people say this! But would you treat a friend the way you have treated your wife?

First thing you have to do is step back and wait for your wife to decide what she wants to do. If she decides that she wants try again then it may be an idea to go to Relate so you can both talk through what has gone wrong with your relationship and try to move it on from where you are now.
But if she gives you another chance then you need to be sure in your mind that that is what you want and with her is where you want to be. It would be cruel for her to forgive what you have done only for you to do it again.

If she decides she wants to split the you are both going to be poorer, at least in the medium term. Thats the effect of divorce in most cases. But you will have to concede the majority of the assests as you are in the easier position to rebuild and she will presumably be caring for your children.

Paparika

well you dipped it where you shouldn't...

Sorry but you can't come up with the bulls**t that your wife is your soul mate when you quite easily can stray. What you want is your cake and eat it, sorry m8 but no you can not when your married.

For 14 years your wife has been spending less time with you to because she is raising YOUR children and you repay her by going elsewhere for nookie and then saying you don't love her.

I'd be thinking about selling the 3 buy to let properties you have to make sure you provide a home for your children.

Even at the end of the day if your wife decides you can stay, imagine what it will be like for her, she'll not trust you.

Hope you wore a condom too when you were putting it about, last thing you want is to give your wife chlamydia

Shineyhappy

I think that there are two issues here, money and your relationship.

On the money side of things, I would visit the DFW board and see if they can help you save some cash. Whatever happens next I think the fewer money worries you have the better.

On the relationship front, I would ask your OH if she would like to go to Relate with you. I think that there must be some serious problems in your relationship for you to be having affairs and her to be living online. Ending a relationship with children involved must be a very hard thing, but it is obvious that you and her are unhappy and there is no point staying for the sake of the children. You need to be able to love and trust your partner and it sounds like that may not be possible. There will be a lot of work to do if you hope to rebuild your relationship as I do not think it will be healthy for it to continue as it is.

I really hope whatever you both decide that you come to an amicable decision for the sake of the children.

Why did you tell her about the affairs? Why not just say that you were unhappy and needed to sort out something?

Drea

This !!!!es me off! Coming from someone that has been cheated on and finished with and left on my own, you are being really unfair!! If you don't love her then don't stay with her, it makes things ten times worse in the future and it makes her feel like complete crap when she can't understand why things aren't quite right between you two.