Advice needed quickly

AJ1982

Can the "Bloke" move into the flat...?

dmg24

ms_newbie wrote: »

Thanks DMG. We are not married and we both have our own bank accounts. But your right - we need to get some family counselling. I'm going to try to find our nearest place.

No disrespect, but you really need to get counselling as a couple, as well as with your children. The language that you use to describe your relationship with your partner is disassociative, and that is not healthy. Relate should be a good starting point.

Also, if your partner is unwilling to join family counselling, then it will be very difficult to address most of the problems that you are facing. I would handle this carefully, because proceeding with counselling just for your and your daughters could give the impression to them that they are the problem, not him. If you can arrange some help, I would discuss his reluctance to participate with the therapist before involving the children.

I really hope you get something sorted x

bestpud

This thread has made me want to cry (not your fault OP)!

I know there will be other circumstances but all I can say is please don't allow her to be chucked out!

This happened with my son (same age) and while he is with family and doing well, things are still not right between us and this is over a year later. At the time, it seemed the only option (and the best for all of us) but I'd give anything to turn the clock back.

Please don't make the same mistake - if you are anything like us, you will regret it every day for a long time to come - it really is a horrible situation.

Feel free to PM me if you want to talk some more about it.

Kimitatsu

For help with your daughters entitlements then you could seek advice from your local Connexions - they are a young peoples advisory service for the 14-19's and will be able to help direct you on benefits (if any) and relationship help, you may find that you get in quicker through them!

I dont know the background to all of this and there are obviously some major issues here but I have to echo what everyone else has said, she is obviously bright but she shouldn't have to be making decisions about your family life in the way that she is, it is far too much stress to put on the shoulders of a 16 year old. Thinking forward to if she does get this flat by herself, how long will it be before her mates at school realise this and they are there all evening and all weekend? Sorry to sound harsh but you can kiss the thought of her going into medicine goodbye - maybe thats something your partner needs to be made aware of too. The safety aspect of it horrifies me, at 19 I left home and moved into a shared house with other people not on my own at 16.

Finally it will fracture the relationship you have with your daughter beyond repair, whatever happens she will feel that she was made to leave, and that your partner was more important than she was. No amount of financial stability is worth that IMO.

I wish the best of luck because you have a rocky ride in front of you whatever, but hopefully you will come through it as a stronger family than when you went into it.

Night-owl_6

Personally I would pack his stuff up while he is out at work and kick him out, he is the one acting a child.

Tell him to grow up!

John38_2

From a benefits aspect, 16-17 year olds who are 'estranged' from their parents are entitled to Income Support at £47.95 per week.

As she would be on Income Support, she'd be entitled to EMA at £30 a week automatically. She should also get a completely free bus pass for travel to school if that sort of scheme operates in your County. In most Counties the bus pass can be used on all public service buses at weekends too.

If she had no income, savings, and was getting Income Support, she'd be entitled to Housing Benefit, if she started renting her own place. She would only get enough money to rent a single room in a shared house as she is under 25.

DMG is partially incorrect as you can be 'estranged' from your parents, and still be partially supported financially by them.

If she applied for Income Support they would verify with you that you had kicked her out though.

Also, I highly doubt the Council will pay Housing Benefit if she is rented a flat from a relative, never mind her mother.

For what its worth, I think you're letting your OH use you as a doormat though.

clair2305

Well, I kind of agree with everyone else, pack HIS things, but obviously there is a lot more going on in your family than you have chosen to share. Try Connexions, but also possibly (and I may be touching a nerve here) your local Community Safety Unit/Domestic Violence Unit and even possibly Child Protection Unit, you appear to be a family that needs support and you may well be in the middle of a teenager and a man that are clashing and probably both have, how should I say, not exhibited the best of behaviours.

I do question the separate finances, yes myself and my husband both have separate bank accounts, earn our own money and have an agreement about who pays what (eg I'm food shopper cos he walks round with his eyes closed trying to do it in 5 mins!!!) and this roughly works out the same each month, but if there is something else needed or wanted then whoever has the cash pays for it and it may be a 50/50 contribution but it may not.

If your partner, whom you have obviously been with for some time now, does not calm down and agree, along with your daughters to get support as a family (and separately as it may be that he and DD need 1:1 also) then you have to consider the happiness of your family as a whole. You cannot have one person making the rest of the family miserable.

I'll stop "talking" now, first step, get some help...remember as well social services, we always hear the bad stories in the news, but they do also do lots of good as well.

Good luck

astralbee

With benefits you can't always have your cake and eat it.

Child Benefit (Family Allowance) is only payable if the child is part of your household. Now, you could argue that the flat which you own is an extension of your household, but if you successfully convince the Benefits Agency of that fact then you have no chance getting anything else. For example, she couldnt get Income Support because she would be still classed as a minor and under your roof.

If you said goodbye to the Child Benefit then its possible your daughter could get some help on her own. Not 100% certain but I think in some exceptional circumstances Income Support is payable to under 16's. However I think most of those special circumstances involve the 15 year old being a parent themself.

Get proper benefit advice. I don't normally rate the benefit advice from CAB because they tend to get bogged down with rights issues and forget that benefits are prescribed, BUT they are probably the best place to advise on the whole range of benefits rather than phoning every department individually. However, in my slightly outdated experience I would think the best financial situation (family issues aside) would be if she claimed income support as a 16 year old in your other property. You might even be able to charge her reasonable rent which would be paid by housing benefit. It's a situation that practically begs for a fraud investigation, but if you keep it 100% on the level, what can they do?

Hope this helps!

D

lil_me

Wish I lived closer, I'd help you pack his bags! Ok sorry, I know you've probably heard enough of that.

Must admit I left home young due to clashes, not much worse off for it but did go through pretty much hell at a times (being beaten up by people who broke into my flat, probably because they knew a young girl lived there alone, sometimes still haunts me), it made me grow up very quickly, maybe too quick. Please get some proper advice, it sounds abolsutely heartbreaking for you. I remember how upset my Dad was when I left, it was me and my Mam who clashed.

My very best wishes, hoping you sort something out soon x

Scarlett1

ms_newbie your DD is only 15 and is too young to live on her own and needs your support, she has a good future in front of her and will achieve it with your help, I think that you should definately move into the flat with both your children, it will be hard enough having to move to a new school for her final year where she don't know anyone without being with her family also, good luck to the three of you