need advice please!!!

newcook

The other week through a friend, I met a great guy who seemed sweet, caring, kind, funny and we chatted for hours and got on really well. I asked him outright if he has a girlfriend/wife and/or children to both he said no.
Fab! Was my first reaction - even said that guys like that are like gold-dust!!!! Anyway it turns out that he has a long term girlfriend (on and off) of 15 years - she has 2 children who she had before she met this guy but they have always known him as dad (they know he's not their biological dad).

I only found this out after we had spent an amazing evening chatting and kissing and chatting some more!

I now feel really hurt because he lied - he knew that I wont get involved with someone who has a girlfriend and even more so if there are kids involved.
When I told him this he said he told me the truth - that he doesn’t have any kids and he doesn’t have a girlfriend at the moment (they split up a few weeks ago but as I said they are on/off).

Anyway - he is now wanting to meet up so we 'can talk' - he says he really likes me and cant wait to see me again but I really don’t know what to do!!

I do like this guy but I feel I cant trust him and can see that if we did get together then its going to be me who ends up hurt when him and his ex get back together.

So, do I follow my heart which is saying 'go for it - you deserve some fun' or do I go with my head which is saying 'you'll end up hurt'!?!?!?!

searching_me

to be honest darlin id say follow your head... theres no way that if you do get together are you gonna compare to his ex and your right they probably will end up back together and you'll be on your own darlin... i say cut your loses you dont need someone else buggage he lied to you already and you havent started a relationship can you really trust him... hope what ever you decide you are happy xxx

zoelouise88

i agree go with your head, like searching_me said he will more than likely get back with his girlfriend and you will be left on your own, also if he can keep something like this then from you then what else is he keeping from you ?!? He should have been honest about his situation with you in teh first place, even though he didnt lie he didnt tell you the truth iyswim

imo never trust a guy who says he and his gf are on/off

basketcase

What they said!:rolleyes:

Cut your losses.

sarymclary

This is only going to end in tears. He hasn't been perfectly straight with you, and he did that for a reason. You're obviously a really nice girl, and have high standards. He knew he couldn't reach those standards, so had to withhold information in order to con you in to spending more time with him.

15 years is longer than most marriages, so to have spent that much time with someone, and to have been involved in raising their children is a BIG thing to NOT mention. To some people it wouldn't have been a big deal for him to have said he was out of a long term relationship, that had been going wrong for a long time, there are step children who he cares for, but has no obligation to, etc, etc, and you you'd have possibly thought, what a nice guy, and he's so open and honest.

There's obviously a physical attraction going on here, because despite him being a liar, you're wondering about whether to still see him. Well, why not just enjoy him on your terms? He's not ideal as a long term bet, but how about for a bit of fun while you want it? Then when you decide to move on, kick him to the kerb!

BTW, I had a bit of experience with someone like this a few years back, he said he was separated, and then I discovered he'd been planning a reconciliation, so I decided to play him at his own game, and while letting him think I was still interested, I got myself another guy - then when he wanted to 'meet to chat' again, I just said it wasn't what I really wanted anymore. The penny dropped, and he realised he'd been 'played'. I pointed out it wasn't a nice feeling, and to bear it in mind in future.

Failing that, and if you don't think you can keep your feelings in check, don't see him again.

p.s. make sure your friend who introduced you, doesn't do it to any other unwitting friends!

January20

He's already lied to you - or perhaps not lied as such in his eyes, but certainly given you half-truth - to suit him at the time, to get what he wanted. Don't give him another chance to lie to you again!

completelyspent

I think your head knows the answer to this one, but I can't judge as I've leapt heart first a couple of times, and have been burnt by this.

Do you know why he split up with his girlfriend and why it has been on/off? It could just be because of a roving eye. This isn't a nice thing to say, but he could be using you to get back at his ex in some way.
If you see him once, you know you'll want to see him again and a deeper and deeper attraction and committment will build and if you've doubts about him now it will only hurt more in the long run. I am a fine one to talk though and don't take my own advice..

foreversomeday

I promised myself I'd never (again) get involved with someone who was still even slightly involved with someone else. As the children are involved, he may not ever be completely free from her, but the alarm bells you can hear are suggesting to me that he is involved with her in more than just a friendly, keeping in contact with the kids kind of way.

I doubt he's trying to lead you on and the relationship might progress fine - but I'd be wary as I would suspect he is going through some form of rebound period, and it doesn't matter how strongly he feels about you, the relationship will always carry the scars of his previous one. In my opinion if you have just split up with someone, you need at least a few months on your own to regroup before you can really offer yourself to someone new.

newcook

Cheers guys! Decided to end it before its begun - I cant afford to get hurt again! As a lot of you have said, he's already lied so what else will he lie/hide from me?

Thanks again for the replies!!

galvanizersbaby

sarymclary wrote: »

There's obviously a physical attraction going on here, because despite him being a liar, you're wondering about whether to still see him. Well, why not just enjoy him on your terms? He's not ideal as a long term bet, but how about for a bit of fun while you want it? Then when you decide to move on, kick him to the kerb!

You sound like a girl with morals Newcook - don't sink to this level - no point - tell him your busy for the next couple of years - you don't need the hassle! x

pukkamum

I'm not sure i agree what if he needs to fall for someone else before he can make the break with his ex, he lied to her because he knew that she would have never got together with him otherwise, if there is no-one else on the scene perhaps going back to the ex is easy if not what he really wants. I met my husband whilst in an on off relationship and it was only meeting him that showed me what was wrong in the other relationship and we have been together for 13 years. Maybe sit down with him and have a really good talk about the situation?