Fantasies ... and the reality

rumblytum

Hi kunekune,

I sympathise with you. I have struggled for many years - and still am - with work/life balance problems.

It's still a work in progress for me, but I have made some improvements, and I hope there may be something that will help you.

When my doctor referred me to a counsellor for my depression, I was shocked to discover there was a six month wait before I could have an appointment. It made me appreciate that I wasn't alone. I realised I would need to start to help myself while I waited.

At some point over that time, I happened to pick up a women's magazine with an article on priorities, and took it to heart, and tried to apply some of the advice. It's just pschyo babble self help really, but it gave me back some feelings of control in my life.

I started by giving my life headings for different 'sections': finance, health, personal fulfilment, wife, mother, hobbies, home, etc. I then followed this by writing under each heading broad aims in each area - nothing too detailed. For instance: to pay off debts, buy a house, etc in finance; to be a supportive and loving mother, to spend time with my daughter; to lose weight and exercise under health; etc etc

I then picked just three targets under each aim: short term, medium term, long term and gave a realistic date to achieve each target.

So, to pay off debts, my short term goal was to check out cheaper gas/elec suppliers, my long term was to pay off a particular debt by a certain date. For the spending time with my daughter, I decided to read to her every night, not just sometimes. For the home section, I decided to get a compost bin from the council. All achievable targets in the long and short term.

It has gone very well, and although I don't have my original scribblings, I still keep on with the short, medium and long term goals in the different areas. I have achieved so much. I became debt free (oops, must update my signature!) last month, except for my first ever mortage which I took out in Feb. (so now have my own home), my relationship with DH and DD are hugely improved, I run regularly, I read, I grow veg/herbs in pots, and I cook from scratch ( I work full time, and also have a second job).

I hope you find some of that useful.

Good luck.

rumbly x

zarazara

i've been a SAHM for 20 years. recently i started work but packed it in. i realised just how much i had. we only have an end terrced 2 bed with tinygarden, but we can do so many things. baking, gardening, theres always allotments too. coz the house isnt big the utility bills arnt that large. i count my blessings in winter when i can have awarm home and my friends places are freezing coz they are 4 bed, large and they have to work full time to pay for them. madne. neither me nor my DH have pensions other than the state ones , but hey! we'll manage, especially after all these years of practice. theres so much I DONT have to worry about, like the state of the stock market etc. i'm quite content with less.

Squelchy

Dear Kunekune, I have sympathy and admiration for you balancing so many challenges in your life. My family and I have also had recent work-life and work-related stress issues. The only two suggestions I have sound so petty and trite, but I hope that they might help in some small way. Firstly, as a teacher, I find that planned batch-cooking in the holidays when I am working at home is a brilliant timesaver. Secondly, I know at least one person for whom kneading a loaf of bread each weekend was the only thing that relaxed the tension you feel under when pulled in two different directions by work and your dreams.

Best wishes and keep us posted on how you get on!

pandora205

Hi Kunekune... Lots of sympathy from here too. I think we reach a certain age and realise our ideals are just that and the wonderful home/family/job is just a fantasy but that doesn't make it any easier, does it?

A major factor in your life just now seems to be the lack of job satisfaction and the feeling of being part of the academic rat race. This may seem radical but have you thought of some sort of sideways move into another professional role?

You must have dozens of sought after transferrable skills that you could use to 'free up' your life and even find a more satifying job?

cha97michelle

Is it something about teaching as a profession.

Yup, another teacher here - currently happy as i am on my 2nd maternity leave in a 2 year period, but approaching 30 and dreading returning to work and trying to juggle the job that i used to love with caring for my 2 beautiful boys. When i went back to work after the last maternity leave i struggled, and i don't think it was just because of being pregnant again.

I am sincerely disillusioned after seeing some of my older colleagues basically being forced to retire due to the stress, and then the 3 members of staff who are currently fighting cancer.

I will be going back again part time, but i am already dreading it and it isn't until next year,

I think we put a lot of pressure on ourselves to be a good wife/mother/housekeeper/cook/teacher and when we try to do all of them well to the perfectionist standard, then one or more area will suffer.

I identify with the tiredness, and the collapsing in the holidays. I found i would drop off ds1 at nursery for 7:45, then be at work until 5, then try to fit in housework and ds until 7pm bedtime, and then spend 3-4 hours on school stuff, before collapsing exhausted. I find it harder as i am getting older to keep it up.

I too am happy if i can just cook every night from scratch. I have the BM and other gadgets but am too time poor to get the use out of them a lot of the time.

I liked the idea of the batch cooking in the school hols. I try to but have never got further than maybe a week or two of meals. I also liked the idea of chopping all the veg up. I only normally do this when something is going to go off and it hadn't crossed my mind to do this anyway to make life easier.

I hope you feel better knowing it isn't just you.

Michelle, x

kunekune

Hmm. I have a suspicion that it isn't a coincidence about teachers. The sort of people who choose to teach are almost always perfectionists, and that is a disaster in terms of getting the balance right.

I'm lucky that OH will cook if I can't. We've been married 25 years and we're a good team. But he does add to the pressure too: I really need to go to international conferences in order to get this important promotion from L to SL, and he has forbidden that as being too difficult domestically. A 3 day trip to London in September is all I can do (I guess there are some locations that work as 2-3 days, but our memory of conferences involves 27 hour flights each way plus jetlag!)

On the positive side, -
1. I have told my boss that 4pm is the latest I can teach (we'll see ...)
2. I sowed some cress on the windowsill last Saturday, and some of it looks edible already.
3. OH has no intention of accepting the stressful job he was interviewed for las week.
4.OH has admitted that he too has doubts about signing up for a whole extra q m

kunekune

Oh, and we're often caring people too, so we can't turn students away when they're in trouble ... only of course, workload models (groan) don't allow for compassion.

The other interesting thing tonight was that DH admitted that he too was unsure about signing another 1 year tenancy on this place (it's to run from 20 July, but it's an early renewal and our current one runs till 20 October). We're not sure we want to stay in this town long term and as DS is about to turn 9, sooner might be better than later. I've found a village that might work for us (we are based in different locations) and it has TWO Camra pubs! Well, that helps. We may go for a drive (I am no longer the navigator, which is nice, I was sacked last week and replaced by Jane from TomTom).

CJ, I'd like to send you a personal reply, it just won't be tonight.

Penelope_Penguin

Hi, kunekune - I can really empathise with you - I'm not a teacher but do have perfectionist tendencies

My two pennorth - it's great to save for your pension, but don't forget the here and now Can you pare back your costs Could you get a cleaner or soemone to assist you in the domestics

This thread has now moved away from Old Style, so I'm going to move it to the families board, where you'll get lots more opinions from like-minded souls

Penny. x