Fantasies ... and the reality

C_J

When is your University's RAE due? If it's already underway and you haven't published enough over the past few years to be included in it, then there's no point in fretting about not being able to pull funding in under your name. There are other people within your department who are doing that this time! Your Head of Department certainly shouldn't be making any sort of fuss about who is or isn't going to be included in the RAE, because that puts unfair extra pressure on people.

Traditionally, academic institutions tend to be quite good about staff trying to maintain a work/life balance and can be receptive to suggestions from you about how to improve it - allowing flexibility to work from home or around school hours etc. Do you run a research group as well as lecturing? How many lectures per year are you contracted to give? Do you have to deal with the pastoral care of your students as well (which can be draining and time consuming!)? I suppose I am wondering whether any of those burdens can be reduced (can your lecturing load be reduced for next year by contracting some of it out to someone else, or can your next paper be a collaborative study rather than a sole authored one? That sort of thing).

But you *do* sound worn out. Hopefully the summer break will give you the opportunity to recharge your batteries a little.

From my own perspective, I'm ridiculously busy too with work and home commitments but tend to be quite an organized person who works well with lists and timetables, so what works best for me is to *schedule in* tasks which I would like to do, but which would otherwise be put off because I'm too tired. For instance, I love cooking (and, like you, cook all our meals from scratch). So I schedule in 'kitchen prep' on a Saturday morning, where I can potter around the kitchen watching James Martin on Saturday Kitchen while I grate/chop/bag/freeze ingredients to help me through the following week, bake a cake, bulk cook curries or casseroles, and generally organize myself.

It's an enjoyable start to my weekend, and this (along with an excel spreadsheet of the coming month's menus) really, really helps take the stress out of meal production after a busy day at work. Knowing I have a drawer in the freezer filled with bagged up ready-chopped onions, chillis, peppers, mushrooms, grated cheese etc makes things so much easier when needing to throw together a stir-fry or a home-topped pizza

Be kinder to yourself. There's nothing wrong with scheduling some "Me Time" into your busy life, even it's allowing yourself a soak in the bath and an early night with a good book once a week. You'd look after your car and get it serviced if it were making creaky noises .... so do the same to your *own* engine

ALIBOBSY

I so know where you are coming from. That "river cottage" simply lifestyle is exactly my dream as well, but to afford the big house and the land I would have towork FT which defeats the object.

I am on unpaid maternity at the mo and was goining to go back to work all be it part time (had gone PT after my DS) in October, but we have weighed it up and decided I will take a career break. What with the extra tax credits we will get because of the income drop, plus the bit of extra chb and the savings on petrol and other costs, plus the amount we will save by me being a SAHM being able to make all meals from scratch and grow our own veg/fruit we don't believe we will be much worse off if I don't go back.

I know my kids gain more from our time rather than holidays abroad or lots of the latest consumer items (games machines etc).
Don't get me wrong I would never critisize anyone for working and wanting a career as well as kids, but something has to give and you make your own choices as to which bits you can do and which you can't. We are also lucky that we bought a 3 bed semi in 99, just before prices went mad in the NW of england so haven't got a huge mortgage to support so I can have a choice.

So we have got raised beds and loads of pots of veggies outside and I am saving for a greenhouse next year and planning on loads more raised beds plus hubby is determined to get chickens lol. But the exchange for that is we will need to live off around £60-£80 per week for food and day to day "bits". The kids had to have at home quite basic birthday parties inspired by the many threads on here and memories of 70's parties I attended (funnily enough all the parents commented on how much the kids loved it especially the teddy bears picnic tea of homemade sandwiches and cakes, and the jelly and icecream in little 70's silver dishes inherited from my gran ) and we only went in a shared caravan (with my mum and Dad)in May for our hols this year (may not go next year except mum says they may pay for a cottage in the uk and we can tag along).
But I am happy with the life we have even with 3 kids packed into our little house and a small kitchen, we have chosen time rich over cash rich. But I still have a dream house/land/car I fantasise about lol.

Take a good luck at you finances and discuss it with your other half, if the life you have isn't making you happy perhaps you could and should simplify your life and go more OS change work/house etc, But if you financially really can't manage it or can't face such a big change don't beat yourself up about it you can only do the best you can.

Be Happy

ali x

miserly_mum

kunekune its so easy when we're feeling a bit down or hormonal to see our life in a negative light and focus on what we see as our short comings.

I totally admire ladies like you who hold down a demanding career, look after their family AND still find the energy to cook from scratch aswell. You should be so proud of yourself considering you've also had to cope with the big upheaval of moving aswell. You are holding everything together and still strive to do more.

Before meeting my partner I was a single Mum and worked full time. It was a nightmare and I was constantly stressed so I kind of know how you feel.

Modern women have been told they can have it all. The career, the family the big house. But nobody mentions how bloody hard it is or that you'll probably be too knackered to enjoy it once you have it.

queen_of_string

I have had the big house/kitchen/garden. That too has its plusses and minuses. If you're not in the right relationship it's still no fun. I, like you, Kunekune are in a fortunate postion of being ok moneywise. Curently living in a small house with no garden, running my own business with 1 teenage ds at home. I manage to satisfy my OS needs by doing small things most days. I have some pots with salads and herbs in. 10 minutes watering them and picking stuff is a huge stress beater for me. I make biscuits now and again and have been looking at the artisan bread in 5 minutes thread, as that might be doable. Giving biscuits to friends has brought huge pleasure to us both. I also do crafts. I have been growing sprouting seeds for salads and stir frys on my window sill. These are only tiny things but they help keep me grounded in my beliefs and values around old style living. Just a tiny bit each day seems to help get me through.

It also sounds like you have some huge stressors in your life, raising children is hard, raising children when one has additional needs is huge, holding down a demanding job and running ahome as well is a huge achievement. If OS tiny steps can help you find some time for yourself in all that then that's all good IMHO.

((hugs))

Almo

Hi Kunekune, and hugs.

In many ways I am in the exact opposite situation to you. We moved Down Under a year ago for a better life and is has, in almost all ways, proven to be so. I am fortunate enough to work only 3 days a week (although a full time teaching load is crammed into those 3 days and it's not actually my choice to work those hours) and to earn a very good salary. OH works extremely hard and has been rewarded by quarterly bonuses that exceed my annual salary. We don't have children. We live near an amazing market and the quality and low price of the produce routinely blows me away.

We will soon be moving into our very own house (our first ) which you kindly gave me some advice on, on another board. This will give me ample room to have chickens, grow veggies and fruit, and live the OS lifestyle. We have plans and budgets in place to overpay our mortgage and hope to achieve this in about 8 years.

But... As I continue in my career I grow just a little bit more frustrated every day. What I want more than anything, is to go back to uni and become an academic (although I'm guessing I might want to rethink that following your post). There is no-one in this hemisphere who could supervise me to do the necessary study. I was encouraged to continue studying when I got my BA (in the UK) and am still in regular contact with my old lecturers. They were disappointed that I didn't keep going, as am I, with the benefit of hindsight. I wanted to, but at the time I didn't realise how life runs away with you and how much harder it becomes to do such things.

My problem is this: my OH adores our life here and desperately doesn't want to go back to the UK, which is what I'd need to do to follow my career dreams (of several years standing - it's not a sudden rush of blood to the head). In order for me to pursue my career, we'd have to stay in the UK as well - we couldn't come back here

There's no real point to my musings I'm afraid :rotfl: . I just wanted to give you some support. I have no answers as to how you could solve your dilemma. Other posters have made some helpful suggestions and I suppose I have to echo them - schedule some time for you as a priority and think about what you ARE achieving (a career, inspiration to others, a safe haven for your family, solid nutrition to name a few) not what you're not.

My parents were/are in a similar position to yourselves pension wise as we'd been abroad for 16 years before moving back to the UK when I was younger. They are relying on the pensions they've built up since moving back to the UK and some gains from the housing market to fund them through retirement. If the housing market did fall, would that put you in a position to be able to pay off your mortgage quickly, reduce your hours once it had been paid off and put away some money for a pension that way?

seraphina

Oh kunekune, I don't know what to say but it all sounds so familiar!

I'm a 20something in my first post-doc (research institute, not teaching so at least no students) but all I see is 30something women having kids and dropping off the edge of the world career wise. Everyone has all kinds of dreams but once the reality of family sets in everyone just seems to wind up depressed:mad:.

I don't really have much useful to say other than I don't want women (and society in general) to wind up like this. I'm not sure how much longer my feminist zeal will last for.

I hope you find something that works for you.

FrankieM

Hi,
I'm a SAHM at the moment. My DH works full time but would love to retrain as a teacher...
The fantasy: Pay off the mortgage by the time we are 40 ( 5 years) so DH can take the salary cut to go into teaching. Save for a few years, till about 43, when our children will be 23, 22, 19 & 18 and then travel...working part time...perhaps waiting to travel and having a small holding for a while, or having a small holding while the children are still at home..
The reality: We are just not going to manage to pay off the mortgage in 5 years..maybe if I worked full time and we didn't have a life, but I can't see it happening...I can't imagine being able to take the pay cut for DH to retrain and he is getting to the point of wanting to resign!! I'm also living in a bog standard (yuck) house. It does the job, but isn't a dream house by any stretch!

I guess we just need to look at what we do have....I have a tendancy to spend too much time thinking about what I perceive others have.....!

ppolly

Hugs to you Kunekune. You do sound like you have alot on your plate at the moment. It seems most unfair that we do not live in a society (yet) that values or supports anything like a good work/life balance. Academic life sounds like a bit of a nightmare for you at the moment.
I do hope you get to choose a house with a nice kitchen and a fair sized garden. Are there some things you could do now to be a little more cheerful? I tend to write down all the things I like doing (really simple stuff like smelling flowers - and make sure I actually go and smell some) it sounds trite, but tends to help me focus on the tiny, simple things that I can do.
If its any comfort we live in a boxy modern house that has no room for a breadmaker either! (I'm following the artisan bread making thread....)
You sound like a natural homemaking kind of person - as well as being an academic - and maybe the homemaking side of you is asking for more attention and wanting you to create some realistic dreams. Don't give up your fantasies, they are a valuable clue to a life that would really sustain you.

kunekune

It's late and I've had some wine (oops) while watching House - and yes, I was doing the shopping during the ads, but I behaved and got a sensible shop - so I'll not say much. And then, for those who saw it, of course, House was terribly sad and I ended up with tears streaming down my face. Very cathartic. A good cry does everyone good. But I did want to say thank you so much for understanding and being so supportive. I am feeling a bit better now, it helped to get it all out, and I had a good afternoon's work too. Ironic ... I can see where the next article is going, at last. But it ABSOLUTELY made a huge difference having you all here. Thanks.

wigglebeena

I can't believe they killed off Amber. Wilson was so happy with her, I like her, she really loved him.

House was right - no-one would have missed him, they should have bumped him off instead!

I know how it feels to spend too much time working to do any living - I only wish it was in academia, but as the proud possessor of a desmond (tutu), I was strongly shepherded away from any grand dreams of a doctorate...