Fantasies ... and the reality

kunekune

As some of you might have noticed from my posts, I have two young children, one disabled, and both myself and DH work full-time. I cook from scratch, but that's really the only OS thing I manage to do. It's not really about money, although we could do with saving more, but I just find it a more satisfying way of feeding my family.

But I have regular fantasies of doing so much more. We are in rental at the moment, after a long-distance relocation, and don't plan to buy for another year. This place is "fancy", to quote PasturesNew on another thread, it has minimal outdoor space, a lot of stairs, and a small-ish kitchen. I don't have enough room to prep a fancy meal, let alone to store a BM, etc. When I think about the sort of house I want, I imagine a big family kitchen with plenty of storage and preparation space, a proper utility room, and a large garden with room for veg, fruit bushes and a small orchard. I imagine going back to baking bread, maybe trying my hand at some preserves, being semi-self-sufficient.

But how on earth can I achieve this while still doing this stressful professional job that, along with the 'side-lines' (not really voluntary) takes up more like 50 hours a week. I don't have weekends much of the year, especially when the children have been sick and I'm trying to make up the lost work. My fantasy of giving up the job is just that - for various reasons, in our mid/late 40s we have total assets of £23K, no house and only started pension funds a year ago. Mine's final salary - it would be idiotic to give that up. We could live on one income for the next 20 years, but the future after that would be very uncertain. We're not planning to buy an expensive house, but need to pay off the mortgage in 15 years really, so it'll take up a big portion of one income. It's not even clear we're entitled to a state pension. Having no debts is good, but it's not enough.

Maybe at some point I'll ask to go part-time, and might well need to because when DS hits 11 and starts secondary, there will be no after-school care available for him. But that's at least a year away as the 2008-9 teaching is allocated and we have absolutely no spare bodies. In fact, I have a teaching load that is 1.5 times the 'recommended' amount, which means even more weekends because without more publications I can't get promotion, and in fact without more publications they'll deem me non-research active and INCREASE my teaching load.

So I shall continue to dream, watch the years slip away, and pop in to make the occasional comment about food, the only OS thing I have time to do! I've the skills to do more, but it's not realistic to try, because it's not compatible with the rest of my life. OH would not contemplate me giving up the career, especially as he reluctantly followed me to the UK so it could be advanced. These have to be joint decisions, and I'm not going to make that mistake again! And I'm not sure I would really want to throw it away anyway. Much of the time I love it. OH says I shouldn't come to this site, because it only encourages me to have unrealistic dreams. He also suggests I only have them when I'm pre-ovulation and pre-menstrual!

Is there question in this long rant? Dunno. How much do others manage to do when balancing their desires to grow veg, make bread, etc, with the need to work more-than-fulltime? Mebbe I just need a hug!

PS: edited to add that even if we decided to have 1 1/2 jobs between us, the rational thing is that it's OH who cuts hours, because of the different pension types, and also because in academia, it isn't likely to be a problem to keep working and progressing up to 65 and beyond. He's in IT and will probably hit the scrapheap sooner rather than later. But he, of course, does not have the skills or the desire to have the house/garden I want. The best we can probably do is both work 80% (tax advantages to that) but I'm not sure that's enough, it'll just bring me down to a 'normal' length week.

Olliebeak

:grouphug: for kunekune :grouphug: - I think we can all identify with you.

My kids are all grown-up with their own homes, I work full-time, live in a reasonably-sized house (tied to my job) and have a decent-sized garden. I would love to be able to go more towards being semi-self-sufficient, but it just isn't practicable at the moment. My dream is for a workable garden with raised beds (dodgey knees make kneeling impossible), with some chickens and possibly a goat or two. I would love a place where the kitchen can become the 'heart of the house' - though that will never happen as I can never afford to own my own place - and a utility room would just complete the picture - no untidy laundry on show! Another thing I've always wanted, is my very own personal sewing room where I can leave sewing projects out and they can get finished - at the moment they have to get put away and then get forgotten.

I've no intention of doing much with my garden at the moment as I've only got around another 5 - 7 years before retiring - so permanent changes are out of the question. I've been sewing herbs, salad stuff and some flowers in troughs and pots around the patio - and feel quite pleased with myself.

You keep sight of your fantasy, kunekune - there's nothing wrong with it at all. We all need something 'to aim for' in life!

C_J

Hello kunekune

I understand where you're coming from, because it's frustrating to feel you haven't quite got the perfect life you dream of. I'm sure many of us feel as though we are hamsters on treadwheels, and it's hard when you're exhausted all the time from dealing with work and family commitments.

I do think though that your desire to grow your own food and have a wonderful domestic kitchen is your mind crying out for a satisfying, creative outlet which is perhaps currently missing from your hectic life. Don't wear yourself out by trying to be superwoman ..... but why not start in a small way :

You don't have to have a big garden to have the satisfaction of growing your own veg! Start with a couple of small plastic plant troughs, or even half a dozen old plastic buckets. Drill holes for drainage in them, add some old polystyrene packaging broken up in the base for drainage (or a layer of pebbles), add the contents of a couple of grow-bags .... and plant yourself some easy-to-care-for crops such as radishes (great, as they grow so quickly!), salad leaves (again, you can get fast-growing ones which you can be picking and eating in less than a month), baby carrots, beetroot and spring onions.

They don't need much in the way of looking after, apart from remembering to water them. Gardening like this cuts out all the backbreaking work of having to dig and constantly weed a vegetable patch. It's a great way to get started, and it won't consume too much of your precious time. You might find your children would enjoy helping out with it too.

kunekune

Actually, I have some lettuce, radishes and spinach in growbags just coming up! Yes, it is about creativity, and a different sort of creativity from the kind I usually get to exercise (writing exam questions can be very creative, and I pride myself on my funny scenarios I come up with). It's also about physical rather than intellectual endeavour. Making bread is good for that, when I do it - kneading is fun. I did feel better once we put some plants and herbs in pots on the patio outside, and my daughter loves looking ("look mummy, the poppy popped").

I think that this is very much in my mind because at some point in the next year we have to make some big decisions about where we live and in what kind of house. We will also have to decide who cuts their hours when DS goes to secondary (along with lots of other decisions, obviously). Also, I've been doing some empirical research, interviewing senior female academics about their careers and it has been depressing. Basically, the dilemma I'm facing is the same one all of them had. You can't have a life and a professorship. You might not be able to have a life and senior lectureship. Part-time rarely works, career-wise, but nobody is quite sure why. Many of the women I've spoken to have given up, and are trying just to get their lives back. So I can see the future on this life-path and it isn't pretty.

It doesn't help being a perfectionist, of course, as you hinted!

C_J

What are your chances of taking a sabbatical?

JailhouseBabe

Hi kunekune,

I think most of us on here have far from the perfect life that we feel we deserve! I'm enjoying being OS when it comes to preparing healthy meals for me and DD, I bought a BM this year and haven't bought bread since, and have started growing veg - only tomatoes and lettuce at the moment, but I'm amazed I haven't killed them!

I know I'm lucky that I managed to buy my house when I did (7 years ago); after years as a single mum on benefits, I went to university, got my degree and a good job that enabled me to get a mortgage. I also know that I'm lucky to have a beautiful, healthy daughter who will eat whatever I put in front of her. But... (there's always a but!)... I'm now stuck in a low paid job that I hate and that barely covers the bills. I'm still single at a time of life where I think it would be nice to have someone to share the burden (and good times) with.

I think we all have our dreams, and perhaps need them to stay sane. The trick is, not to let them take over our lives. When I get mopey, it's hard not to feel bitter that I don't have the life I feel I deserve and have worked hard toward, so I'm a fine one to give advice!!

Keep dreaming kunekune, but try to take time out to enjoy what you have:grouphug:

[Deleted User]

Ahhh you strike a chord. At your age I was unconsciously always aiming for something ahead. Most of the time I never knew what but I was striving to get there. Somehow and and I know not when, The striving stopped and I started to live in the present. I have peace of mind and am very happy, although the wrinkles came with it

I used to get satisfaction by doing one positive thing a day and I mean something that would show us real benefit eg making a cake as opposed to cleaning the windows. Being os through and through helps too, because it satisfies the primeval senses in us and slowly brings peace of mind

champys

You are so right, JailHouse Babe - we all have the pluses and minuses in our lives, and we always look at that green grass over there! I have been reading kunekune's musings with interest. I did step away from the career ladder and made radical changes to be able to be more OS, but my job is now a dead-ender until I retire, and although I had hopes to do that early, with rising prices and plummeting stock markets this is going to be out of the question for many years to come. I guess that is my particular dream.
But I agree - if we can remember to enjoy the good bits from time to time, life isn't quite so bad! Thanks for the reminder.

kunekune

No, life isn't bad. I have a flexible job, can work at home quite a lot during the summer, it is interesting and I have more autonomy than most people dream of. I have, really, accepted that I won't achieve what I used to want to achieve, but get pee'd off that I still have to run to stay still. Changes in the sector's funding mean there is more to do and less time to do it. If I could do the job properly maybe I'd be less frustrated, but there isn't enough time even to give proper feedback to students.

CJ, a sabbatical would be nice. I'm due one in a year or so, but won't get it because I've not published enough in the last two years (a direct result of changing jobs), and my institution isn't going to get any RAE funding so unless you get your own funding, sabbaticals are a thing of the past.

I can see what's wrong - I'm burnt out. My last sabbatical was a disaster, because I ended up with severe depression and although I came out of it, I came out of it with minimal research done. Also, the decision to come back to the UK and getting this job meant that when I resigned my sabbatical abruptly ended and I had to go back to work early to serve out my notice. I suspect if I went to the doctor and put the right words together, I'd be signed off sick for some time, but I don't want to do that because it would put the whole department (which is new and small) in the poo. It's better to battle on, even if I'm not fully productive. But also, I do need to work on strategies to stop this happening every summer - it's a work pattern that isn't sustainable, 8 months of frantic 7 day a week activity, then when research time comes along, I am too knackered to do anything but surf the net.

Anyhow, today's interview of a female academic will be different - she's young and still optimistic. I will try not to burst her bubble by teling her the truth about the glass ceiling.

And for those who have bravely read through these musings, I think it is about OS in the simplifying life sense, and about finding personal strategies to get the right balance between striving to achieve material/professional success and living a life that is good.

miserly_mum

I too want the big family kitchen, the utility room, the vegetable garden blah blah blah.

Will I ever get them? Unless we win the lottery then no.

I'm a SAHM at the moment. I know i'm privileged to be able to afford to do this with the help of Tax Credits and a hard working and supportive Partner. Also we have no debts ,only a small mortgage and I manage our money well so we are living very comfortably.

I have the time to cook from scratch, bargain hunt, knit for my 2 year old and my DGD decorate the house etc etc I'm hoping to start growing some veg and i'm getting better with baking. I don't have the Aga or that big kitchen, but I have a really nice kitchen and OH and his friend installed it and I painted it and its bought and paid for.

When I do go back to work I am realistic about what my earning potential will be. With limited qualification,my age(41) and the years I have spent out of the workforce to bring up my family will mean i'm only going to be able to get minimum wage jobs. Which will just about cover what we'd lose in Tax Credits.

I'm not saying we can't "better" ourselves and we're not unambitious but we know our limitations financially. We want to do the best we can with what we have and enjoy our life and our family, rather than constantly striving for things we won't ever be able to afford.

I do still have my fantasies and dreams and how boring would life be if we didn't have them? I just don't beat myself up over not being able to fulfill a lot of them.

kunekune

I know I'm lucky too, in that I have a well-paid job as does DH.

I'm just a bit miserable at the moment, and not entirely rational. To do without childcare (£6000) a year, I'd need to drop to 50% full time, but that would be a big drop in income. We'd live quite well and could manage a mortgage even, but we wouldn't be in a position to make up for the 20 years when I wasn't paying for a pension, etc. If only we hadn't spent 20 years being stupid with money, we'd be in a good position. This is the first time in years that our incomings have substantially exceeded our outgoings month after month (I am paid much better for the same job here in the UK than in my former country, even taking house prices into account).

The current dilemma isn't about now, it's about the longer-term impact of not saving a lot of money in the next 20 years. So yes, I am beating myself up for past stupidity, which is just as stupid! But I can also see the consequences of carrying on like this, and they're not great either. Sorry, I must sound a complete idiot - at least we can afford all the childcare, and the occasional holiday, I know we're better off than many and I shouldn't moan about it.

I think I must be pre-ovulatory. Already (3 week cycles are hell).