Feeling let down am i flogging a dead horse

completelyspent

santashelper wrote: »

i think the problem was i was quite naive and wore my heart on my sleeve and now i am more assertive it is hitting a raw nerve with him.

I have always had so much belief in him as he is the type of person who could talk anyone into buying anything so can be very convincing when it comes to believing in his views and has made investments which have not been as successful as he had me believe.

The trouble is my parents didnt think he was good enough for me and i have always seen the good in him now i question myself as to whether i was wrong and they were right.

Why is hindsight always such a good thing the trouble is to many people have been controlling my life for a long time and they have all let me down, my parents, boyfriends and even my job i was a devoted employee who was told i could not have a pay rise because the company could not afford it yet i worked over and above my quota of work.

It is very hard not to feel bitter when you suddenly realise you have wasted the best years of your life on people who have not respected your kind hearted attitude to life, if anything i have learnt the only person who cant let you down is yourself.

I think you only learn through life though, and beating yourself up for decisions you made in the past isn't going to help you change your future or help you now. You have a whole blank canvass in front of you and it sounds like you are becoming stronger and more in touch with the things you want out of life.
I disagree with what you are saying about not letting yourself down as well. I think we are all capable of letting ourselves down when we are not being true to who we are.

Tulip

:hello: Santashelper,

The important thing to me is look after No1 and that is you that is what I always think anyway Have some You time


*hugs*


love and light,

Katie xxx

santashelper_2

I agree for many years i was not being true to myself but i now feel if the people around me love me they will support me in this so i am now at a stage where i will see if this comes to fruition.

I am now asking my husband to make more contributions to helping me on this journey although it can be frustrating when i ask for his help like making the tea and he suggests a takeaway instead of him having to cook a meal, or i ask for more help with the housework and he then decides to change the carpet for wooden flooring so it will be easier for him to clean if only he had done this years ago maybe i might not have become ill.

Anyway i am taking things a day at a time and hoping if the people in my life care as much as they say they do then if im ever going to find out now is the time.

santashelper_2

Tulip wrote: »

:hello: Santashelper,

The important thing to me is look after No1 and that is you that is what I always think anyway Have some You time


*hugs*


love and light,

Katie xxx

Hi Tulip

Hope your doing ok we have spoken before on one of the other sites.

santashelper_2

has anyone else had similar experiences to me and how have you overcome this

Liz19

Oh my! this has struck such a chord with me. I have been married 19 years and have two children 16 and 13. I have always put my husbands needs first as I just wanted us to be a happy family. I was a stay-at-home mum, something we both wanted, until the beginning of this year. My husband has had spells throughout our marriage when he has been unhappy with his job but at the end of last year, he said that he needed me to go out to work full-time to give him options. He then helped me to get a job in the same company as himself. He has admitted that it has not changed anything or given him any more options. Our home life is a disaster. We argue all the time. He still spends his weekends playing golf and I feel as though my life is just work all week and then housework, shopping, etc all weekend. We have a lot more money which we didn't really need and no time at all. Our children know we are having problems and are unhappy. I don't recognise my life at all now. He says that I resent him and, to be honest, I do. I want to work things out and have suggested Relate but he won't hear of it. He doesn't want to talk through our problems, he just ignores them. So, yes, I can see where you are coming from. I just wish I knew what the answer was.

santashelper_2

Liz19 wrote: »

Oh my! this has struck such a chord with me. I have been married 19 years and have two children 16 and 13. I have always put my husbands needs first as I just wanted us to be a happy family. I was a stay-at-home mum, something we both wanted, until the beginning of this year. My husband has had spells throughout our marriage when he has been unhappy with his job but at the end of last year, he said that he needed me to go out to work full-time to give him options. He then helped me to get a job in the same company as himself. He has admitted that it has not changed anything or given him any more options. Our home life is a disaster. We argue all the time. He still spends his weekends playing golf and I feel as though my life is just work all week and then housework, shopping, etc all weekend. We have a lot more money which we didn't really need and no time at all. Our children know we are having problems and are unhappy. I don't recognise my life at all now. He says that I resent him and, to be honest, I do. I want to work things out and have suggested Relate but he won't hear of it. He doesn't want to talk through our problems, he just ignores them. So, yes, I can see where you are coming from. I just wish I knew what the answer was.

one of the things i have taught my children from this experience is that a relationship is a two way thing and if one person is sacraficing more than the other to achieve happiness then they need to ensure this is sorted out at the beginning of the relationship after all if someone loves you then surely the would want you to be happy.

I am now taking control of my life and if the people in my life dont like it then maybe they are not there for the right reason, it has been a real wake up call but i am not prepared to be a doormat anymore sadly it took for me to have a breakdown to realise my health and happiness is what is most important and people around me need to respect that you really find out who your true friends are when you hit rock bottom and i have had some surprising experiences as to who i thought cared and who didnt.

I am now working towards becoming very independant with the view whatever happens in my life i will be able to cope, but i wish i also knew the answer, what i have found most frustrating in my life is the women i have met who treat their men mean seem to get more respect and yet for obvious reasons i dont want to be like that.

ameliarate

It's so nice to know I am not alone! I have been with my OH for ten years and the relationship has always been volatile. Things have become much worse recently I have come to the conclusion that we have completely different agendas and priorities. When things get really bad between us he does knuckle down and make an effort but it doesn't last very long. All he cares about is his music and as long as I don't hassle him in anyway things are ok but as soon as I ask him to spend some time with me or do things around the house we end up arguing.
I honestly feel that whilst I really look at myself and my behaviour etc he never does and just blames me for everything that goes wrong. He says it is not his job to make me happy, which is true, but nor should he be making me unhappy.
A lot of waffle, but what I am getting to is you really need to spend serious time looking into yourself, finding out what you want and working out how to get it. Hopefully you will find a way of doing it with your OH but you need to consider the other option also.
I hope things work out for you.

Charlies50

This has also struck a chord with me. I have been with my OH for 20 plus years and have always done things that he wanted me to do. Since going back to work full time and meeting my own friends and getting my own life back this has caused major problems. I am not running around following his life anymore and have my own time. I enjoy my own compay and am more independant than ever before. I am also now earning more than him (which he knows nothing about, thankfully). I think these matters also appear to rear their head when your children are all but grown up and able to fly the nest leaving you feeling redundant to a point. Time now to look after number one and see what happens from there. Good Luck.

jay11_2

Struck a cord with me too, Santashelper. For years I was the one who carried the bulk of childcare responsisbilties, because of OH's hangups about the importance of his work. I reluctantly worked as a childminder, because various factors made 'outside' work impossible, and really, really, missed working with other adults. Eventually I dug my heels in and initiated changes, I was at the end of my tether. I'm now at the end of a degree course, and soo wish I'd studied earlier--whether it was with the OU, or whatever. I've also realised that I could and should have, that my OH is what he is, and that no-one but me is responsible for my happiness.

What I'm trying to say is that even if it seems others make changes difficult for us, and put obstacles in our way, its no reason to give up! Ultimatley, the person most affected by that is us. I realised during these last 3 years, which have been unbelievably hard at times, that it was my choice to take the easy route (and avoid kicking the traces/having serious confrontations/making life uncomfortable). My OH might not have made it easy for me to carve my own space out in our lives, but I, and no-one else, am responsible for having gone along with/pandering to, his anxieties about change. We're still happily together by the way:)