Feeling let down am i flogging a dead horse

santashelper_2

Me and Oh have been together for over 20 years i saw him as my knight in shining armour as i had a difficult childhood but now feel as if i have been led up the garden path, i always believed to achieve your dreams you both help each other to achieve their happiness but i feel now in hindsight this has been more one sided than i had realised.

My OH is an impulsive person who wants nice things but talks me into agreeing getting them and then we struggle to pay for them when i had my children i ended up going back to work full time thinking i was making him happy but realised later that he often puts me in a corner by talking me into these things, after 20 years i now feel very cheated as many of his needs have been met but very few of mine, which has caused me to have a breakdown and suffer from depression.


He cant understand why im unhappy he basically plays dumb when i confront him about it and feel very resentful that i was such a fool to have not realised it was all going his way. The trouble is other areas of our life are fine and the kids are happy but even though i tell him im not happy he says why not you got a good life its not like i go down the pub every night.

At the moment i feel like being very selfish and totally putting myself first what would you do.

pukkamum

I think the trouble here is that you have gone along with it for so many years and never complained that your dh can't now understand why you are so bothered as you never moaned before about it. I would sit him down and explain that you went along with things back then to make him happy and although you were happy to do that you want to start doing things to make yourself happy. And failing that getting through do a shirley valentine!!!

Mips

Drag his a$$ to Relate

20 years is a long time to give up on!

pukkamum

Have been thinking and could you be more upset about the fact that you never fulfilled your ambitions because you were so busy making everyone else happy? I'm not saying anything nasty just that i have so many dreams and ambitions that i know i will never fulfill now i have 2 small children but i just accept that things are on hold, so why not do those things now? Sod what hubby thinks do a course or a class or join a club and enjoy the fact that now the kids are older you have the time to do those things. x x

santashelper_2

There is a combination of factors involved 1. we have been to relate he has realised he needs to change but tends to slip back into his old ways, 2. i have learnt to be more assertive as i had an unhappy childhood i became a martyr to my family as i wanted them to have the happy childhood i didn't and due to me being unassertive and unhappy have become a doormat you know that saying people treat you how you allow them to well i only really understood this a few years ago because i was so focused on creating a happy family couldnt see the obvious i was leaving myself wide open for people to take advantage.

I agree i have gone along with this thinking it was a case of if you treat people well they will treat you well but had a big wake up call when i realised not everyone sees lifethis way.

I am now trying to change my life my OH thinks i am a stranger now i am becoming more assertive but he has always said he wants a strong woman in his life and now i am becoming this his comments are but i wanted you to be like that outside the house?

He has said he would be very happy for me to be the breadwinner in our relationship but i feel he wants a mother to his kids, a successful business person, basically someone who provides him with the things he wants in life one of the reasons i became ill was because whenever the kids were ill i was the one who had to make the decision between stay home with the kids or go to work if i asked him he says he couldnt because his work was important but so was mine now i feel like i have to start from the bottom of the ladder as i was working my way up the ladder before i fell ill and have been unwell for 5 years..

G-G_4

santashelper wrote: »

Me and Oh have been together for over 20 years i saw him as my knight in shining armour as i had a difficult childhood but now feel as if i have been led up the garden path, i always believed to achieve your dreams you both help each other to achieve their happiness but i feel now in hindsight this has been more one sided than i had realised.

My OH is an impulsive person who wants nice things but talks me into agreeing getting them and then we struggle to pay for them when i had my children i ended up going back to work full time thinking i was making him happy but realised later that he often puts me in a corner by talking me into these things, after 20 years i now feel very cheated as many of his needs have been met but very few of mine, which has caused me to have a breakdown and suffer from depression.


He cant understand why im unhappy he basically plays dumb when i confront him about it and feel very resentful that i was such a fool to have not realised it was all going his way. The trouble is other areas of our life are fine and the kids are happy but even though i tell him im not happy he says why not you got a good life its not like i go down the pub every night.

At the moment i feel like being very selfish and totally putting myself first what would you do.

I could have written that myself! Although i'm 25 and plan to make a life for myself and not feel guilty about doing what I feel is right for me. I don't want to regret my life when i'm 40 odd..

x

G-G_4

santashelper wrote: »

the things he wants in life one of the reasons i became ill was because whenever the kids were ill i was the one who had to make the decision between stay home with the kids or go to work if i asked him he says he couldnt because his work was important ..

My OH is self employed and works from home, his business has always come first which I resent sometimes.. we don't even have kids yet tho.. But, I am looking to join the RAF, and if I do then my work will be cominbg first, as I / we won't have a choice :laugh:

Do what you want to do... Don't think it's too late, it's not.. maybe do a job that you really enjoy! Then starting at the bottom of the ladder won't be as bad.. x

completelyspent

Santashelper do you know what sort of things would make you feel happier and is it possible to explore these? For example, interests, hobbies and new friends outside of your marriage. Perhaps explain to your OH that you need some time of your own to make these things happen and some support for this.

santashelper_2

i think the problem was i was quite naive and wore my heart on my sleeve and now i am more assertive it is hitting a raw nerve with him.

I have always had so much belief in him as he is the type of person who could talk anyone into buying anything so can be very convincing when it comes to believing in his views and has made investments which have not been as successful as he had me believe.

The trouble is my parents didnt think he was good enough for me and i have always seen the good in him now i question myself as to whether i was wrong and they were right.

Why is hindsight always such a good thing the trouble is to many people have been controlling my life for a long time and they have all let me down, my parents, boyfriends and even my job i was a devoted employee who was told i could not have a pay rise because the company could not afford it yet i worked over and above my quota of work.

It is very hard not to feel bitter when you suddenly realise you have wasted the best years of your life on people who have not respected your kind hearted attitude to life, if anything i have learnt the only person who cant let you down is yourself.

completelyspent

I think to add to my last post, you said you originally saw your OH has your 'knight in shining armour'. The problem with thinking like this about someone is that it puts them on a pedestal and you are making them responsible for all your happiness...no one person can give you everything you want but they should be supportive of decisions you make to make to improve your life and your relationship.

santashelper_2

completelyspent thanks for your reply i am trying to find things to make me happy the funny thing is as a child whenever i asked to do things i wanted my parents always refused and i was told i had to do what they wanted so this is a new area for me which i am exploring. I am starting to make new friends and trying to go to places where i can be amongst people i feel i can trust to consider my happiness.

Fortunately because i am in early 40s i can now concentrate on my life as my children are now older and starting out on their own journeys in life. Sometimes though i get that feeling of being lonely in a crowd but am pushing forward to achieve my dreams and goals with or without my OH because to me i am the most important person and from now on will be making sure my needs come first.