Husband on sofa-should I worry???

sarahpenny

Hello
Just some thoughts please!
Husband (of 22 years) is setting up a new business which is incredibly stressful. Working every day, early starts, late nights etc. We have had a couple of rows lately (which we do not normally) just through tiredness, pressure and all that. Any way after a humdinger last week, he slept down stairs and has slept there ever since! We have made up etc and all is ok, but when I asked him why he was still there he said he finds it much easier to sleep. The tv drones on and stops his thougts going round and round, also he has old whiplash injury and finds it more comfy not lying flat i.e. on
our bed!
Does it matter? I know some people do sleep apart, but some times I think 'oh it will work itself out' and sometimes I think 'no, this is wrong'. To add to it we are both c*** at talking about our feelings.
Any thoughts much appreciated

miserly_mum

Sleeping apart is fine if its for the right reasons (snoring, one is a lighter sleeper than the other or one has to go to bed/get up much earlier than the other etc.) Not if it is to avoid each other.

My OH and I sleep in separate rooms because I snore like a bull. We don't like it and would much rather be in the same bed but I keep him awake. In every other respect we have a really good relationship.(yes we do have sex I just clear off into the spare room afterwards )

It sounds to me like your Hubby is under a lot of stress and is probably knackered (physically and mentally) because of the new business. Maybe he's not feeling up to doing his "manly duties" right now and this is his way of avoiding it or him having to turn you down etc?

My OH got promoted to management at work a few months ago and has a lot of pressure on him.He's feeling very much like your hubby is right now. We do talk about our feelings and he admits he's too tired for rumpy pumpy a lot of the time(although the urge is there). This makes me feel better because I would've thought he was going off me etc.

If everything else is ok between you (or as good as it can be at this stressful time)then I wouldn't worry too much about him being on the sofas. But you do really need to talk to him if you don't want it to become a permanent thing.

eth01

don't worry about it too much. just be there for each other and support each other at the best you can. listen to him and let him be in control...

sarahpenny

Miserly!
You have completely hit the nail on the head about your hubby telling you that no RP is just for the moment cos he is so tired. At least you know it is not you personally. I am such a bury my head in the sand type gal, i find it so hard to talk about that stuff, tho' i think you are right it needs talking about. What do i say??!! Should I wait a week/month and see if he is still on sofa? (Here comes the sand again!):o

hev_2

Me and OH have slept in separate rooms for ages - first off when I dislocated both shoulders and so it made sense for me to have a bit of space. After DS was born I slept in DS's room so that OH could have a decent night's sleep for work (he does weekend nights and is brilliant).

It may be just that it does help him to get better sleep - I find it harder to sleep with someone else in the room now.

(BTW we were sleeping separately when DS was conceived - sleeping apart did not mean not 'sleeping together' )

When men are under pressure they sometimes like to retreat into their cave, (Men are from Mars...) and this may be a way of him doing this.

I suggest that you deal with it all on a level of practicality - would it be better for him to get a zbed in the living room? What other things can help him drop off at night, like a warm bath?

My OH goes through cycles of not being able to sleep, he sleeps in his own room, listens to Radio 4 or talking books very quiet (same thing - keeping all the thoughts in his head quiet), I fill him up with camomile tea and try and let him get on with it.

Because the new business is putting such a strain on him it will put a strain on your relationship just because of the time you no longer spend together. I would suggest you ask that for his health and for your marriage you do something like book an evening or weekend afternoon once a week where you go for a walk together, garden together, do something you enjoy together that he will find non-stressful and relaxing. Work round what he needs to do but try and insist once a week he takes some downtime. It's scientifically proven that the occasional short break helps you work better.

HTH and good luck.

miserly_mum

sarahpenny wrote: »

Miserly!
You have completely hit the nail on the head about your hubby telling you that no RP is just for the moment cos he is so tired. At least you know it is not you personally. I am such a bury my head in the sand type gal, i find it so hard to talk about that stuff, tho' i think you are right it needs talking about. What do i say??!! Should I wait a week/month and see if he is still on sofa? (Here comes the sand again!):o

Maybe you could use Hev's comment about a zbed as a starting point. Just casually say," I was wondering if you sleeping downstairs is going to be a permanent thing? If it is maybe we should buy a proper bed settee?" or something along those lines.

His reaction should tell you what you need to know. If he looks a bit shocked or hurt that you might want to make it a permanent arrangement then that is your chance to talk things over with him.

something_girl

me and my ex husband started sleeping apart, on the pretext that I couldn't sleep as he moved around etc etc, this went on for a few years, but it was the beginning of the end, basically I just didn't want to be that near him.

belfastgirl23

I guess I'd be worried if there wasn't a really clear reason for it. I think he just doesn't have the mental/emotional space for you at the minute with the business and everything. I know some people might feel that's horrific but I know with DH when he is really hectic (he has own business too) sometimes he gets very uncommunicative and cut off. At first I took it personally but now I can see it's just that he's drained. He does come out of of it again fairly quickly though.

I guess for me the big thing is does it make you unhappy? If you're basically okay with it then I wouldn't make a big deal about it. If you're a little bit unhappy then it's worth just telling him you miss him but not really going on about it. If you're very unhappy then either you need to find a way to figure out why or you need to tell him clearly that you're unhappy about it (it doesn't sound to me like it bothers you that much really though )

Pssst

Dont hassle him. The more you do (if you do !) the worse the situation will become. Sometimes things need time to readjust and find their own balance. I too sometimes sleep on the sofa. I have backache and neck pain issues which recur and also partner snoring problems. There is nothing worse than lying awake listening to someone snoring their head off whilst you try and get comfortable/feeling pain AND have a head full of stress and worries..Sometimes men need to go into their caves to think...

sarahpenny

Thank you to all who have replied. It is so true that a problem shared is a problem halved. And lots of people talk sense!
I guess my 'main' worry is that we are not doing the 'normal' thing, but I s'pose that is mad 'cos who knows what anyone else does anyway? And who knows(or cares) about my sleeping arrangements.
Gosh, married life is hard sometimes!:rolleyes:

seven-day-weekend

We sleep in the same room but separate beds because I have Restless Legs Syndrome and kick him all night otherwise, but sometimes if it is really keeping me awake I will go onto the sofa so I can keep putting the light on and getting in and out without disturbing him.

Not a problem imo so long as it is for a genuine reason.