Husband on sofa-should I worry???

redrabbit29

miserly_mum wrote: »

(yes we do have sex I just clear off into the spare room afterwards )

Wow, I would love that!

A quick 2 minute session followed by a nice empty bed to stretch out in.

k1mmie

Well I would say what is your gut reaction? Do you suspect that there is more to this?

My hubby started sleeping regularly on the sofa after 20 years of marriage back in February. Been going through a stressfull time with mother sick, job not working out, etc (didn't think we had any problems)..... Had a bad leg and said it helped him sleep. I did not feel comfortable and used to come down several times in the night to get him to come to bed, but he wouldn't.

After a couple of weeks, he said things not working out between us but depressed due to everything he was going through. Felt he was going through mid life crisis. Was really hard for a couple of weeks (especially when I found out after gut reaction that he had been chatting to someone on internet. Later he admitted it was just to vent off to someone who did not know him about the way he felt.

Obviously, this may not be the case for you and it may be totally for the reasons stated. But look for the signs of depression. It can be really hard to deal with on both sides.

The best of luck.

Mips

redrabbit29 wrote: »

Wow, I would love that!

A quick 2 minute session followed by a nice empty bed to stretch out in.

Me too!!! Sadly with mine it's a 45 minutes session and he lolls on me and snores for the next hour! :rolleyes:

Savvy_Sue

DH has gone through some patches of very poor sleep, and we both find Radio 4 very helpful for dropping off to. We have a clock radio which goes on for an hour (you can reduce the time or increase it to two hours but an hour is the default button).

If this disturbs the other, then Maplin do pillow speakers which are very good!

Try to keep talking, and try to keep touching, even if it doesn't go any further than cuddles for a bit if you think he is feeling pressurised.

sarahpenny

My gut reaction is that this is all down to stress of new business etc, but of course I could be waaay wrong. We certainly haven't been as kind to each other as we used to, but that is on both sides and maybe he is rejecting me, I don't know. This morning I said come to bed for a cuddle, which he willingly did, I've now come down for a cuppa and left him snoozing! I've taken the advice about not hassling him to come up to bed, but why should I be the one doing all the accomodating??

Pssst

Dippychick wrote: »

Me too!!! Sadly with mine it's a 45 minutes session and he lolls on me and snores for the next hour! :rolleyes:

Sadly he lolls n snores or sadly its 45 minutes..?

Savvy_Sue

sarahpenny wrote: »

I've taken the advice about not hassling him to come up to bed, but why should I be the one doing all the accomodating??

You'd have to ask him that ... or rather tell him, some unstressy time, that you feel you are doing all the accommodating! He may of course feel the same.

OK, to be a bit moneysaving if you need help with reducing outgoings, then Old Style and Debt Free Wannabe are good places to get tips. There's a Small Biz board if there's biz things you think he could do with help with.

You've been together a good long time, maybe you'd benefit from a marriage course - local churches often offer these and you don't have to be involved to attend / benefit. At the moment it might just feel like additional pressure on your / his time, so think about that one, maybe.

DH and I used to do marriage preparation classes, and he always said there are three secrets to a good marriage: Communication, Communication and Communication ...

Pssst

sarahpenny wrote: »

My gut reaction is that this is all down to stress of new business etc, but of course I could be waaay wrong. We certainly haven't been as kind to each other as we used to, but that is on both sides and maybe he is rejecting me, I don't know. This morning I said come to bed for a cuddle, which he willingly did, I've now come down for a cuppa and left him snoozing! I've taken the advice about not hassling him to come up to bed, but why should I be the one doing all the accomodating??

But Sarah...are you suggesting that by default,consenting for him to sleep on the sofa that you are accomodating him?

He has retreated to the sofa for some reason or other and it is his choice which he is free to make. Whether you accept it or not is equally your choice to make. I would suggest,(being a man myself) that there are a few reasons. It could be a big lump of stress,the retreat to my cave to think syndrome or he may even be making a huge reassessment of his life. Is he achieving ?,does he love you? against all those worries,he shys away from any risk of intimacy because there is a mismatch. On one hand he enjoys the closeness of a woman (you!) but this conflicts with his inner doubts and fears.

Your invitation worked for both sides because it was apparently unconditional.

He needs to be left to find his own level. Whether that level says business as usual or whether it says its time for change,it must be left to settle naturally. The best thing you can do is just try to get along with YOUR life and leave him to sort his inner conflicts. You dont need to accomodate him and its best if you dont.

belfastgirl23

To be honest I do think there are times when all the accommodation is really one way. And in this situation I don't think I'd really have a problem with this, esp if the business will benefit you both longer term. And you've sort of said it isn't really bother ing you. I do think it's a problem trying to judge your own relationship on other people's terms - really all you can judge it on is your own feelings at the time....there's a danger of making too much of something for the simple reason that it sounds bad...it's how you experience it that matters. And all your instincts seem to be saying it's fine. I'd say accept it.