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  • FIRST POST
    • MSE Sarah
    • By MSE Sarah 7th Sep 17, 1:30 PM
    • 92Posts
    • 54Thanks
    MSE Sarah
    Money Moral Dilemma: How much should we charge our daughter for living with us?
    • #1
    • 7th Sep 17, 1:30 PM
    Money Moral Dilemma: How much should we charge our daughter for living with us? 7th Sep 17 at 1:30 PM
    This week's MoneySaver who wants advice asks...

    Our daughter has returned home after flying the nest as she found the cost of independent living too expensive. She earns over £20,000 a year after tax and has plenty of money left over each month for clothes and social events. We want to be reasonable parents but would appreciate a small contribution regularly to help us with the extra costs and she is not keen on this suggestion. This is causing a bit of an atmosphere at home as we are not wealthy and are economising every day. What would be a reasonable amount to charge?

    Unfortunately the MSE team can't always answer money moral dilemma questions as contributions are often emailed in or suggested in person. They are intended to be enjoyed as a point of debate and discussed at face value.

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Page 1
    • fourxxxx
    • By fourxxxx 12th Sep 17, 9:27 PM
    • 6 Posts
    • 17 Thanks
    fourxxxx
    • #2
    • 12th Sep 17, 9:27 PM
    • #2
    • 12th Sep 17, 9:27 PM
    I reckon £50-£75 per week. (at £75 per week that's £3,900.00 per year)
    You have to include food (the main expense), electric, gas, TV licence, water, cleaning, laundry and other odds and sods that all mount up.
    If she won't pay, get her to move to a bedsit or house share.
    • SunnyCyprus
    • By SunnyCyprus 12th Sep 17, 9:34 PM
    • 57 Posts
    • 129 Thanks
    SunnyCyprus
    • #3
    • 12th Sep 17, 9:34 PM
    • #3
    • 12th Sep 17, 9:34 PM
    I would suggest 25% of earnings. It would help her to think about monetary responsibility, rather than take advantage of cheap rent and risk frittering away what's left.
    If you didn't need all that amount of rent, put the extra into a savings account and give it to her after a year.
    If you want to do something, you will find a way.
    If you don't, then you will find an excuse...
    • Mojisola
    • By Mojisola 12th Sep 17, 9:38 PM
    • 28,225 Posts
    • 71,812 Thanks
    Mojisola
    • #4
    • 12th Sep 17, 9:38 PM
    • #4
    • 12th Sep 17, 9:38 PM
    Our daughter has returned home after flying the nest as she found the cost of independent living too expensive. She earns over £20,000 a year after tax and has plenty of money left over each month for clothes and social events.

    We want to be reasonable parents but would appreciate a small contribution regularly to help us with the extra costs and she is not keen on this suggestion.

    This is causing a bit of an atmosphere at home as we are not wealthy and are economising every day.
    Originally posted by MSE Sarah
    What a lovely girl - she moves back home because she doesn't like funding her own life and would rather you covered all her living costs while she keeps her £20k for personal spends!

    Set a weekly 'keep' so that you aren't out of pocket and a share of the household chores and tell her that she has two choices - agree or move out.
    • fionaandphil
    • By fionaandphil 12th Sep 17, 9:45 PM
    • 1 Posts
    • 4 Thanks
    fionaandphil
    • #5
    • 12th Sep 17, 9:45 PM
    • #5
    • 12th Sep 17, 9:45 PM
    When I stayed with my parents the rule was 25% of my earnings. When I did my apprenticeship and earned £30 per week it was £7.50 per week! My parents said that if I moved out my mortgage would be about that so it was good experience. It has served me well over the years
    • balletshoes
    • By balletshoes 12th Sep 17, 10:16 PM
    • 15,797 Posts
    • 40,260 Thanks
    balletshoes
    • #6
    • 12th Sep 17, 10:16 PM
    • #6
    • 12th Sep 17, 10:16 PM
    This week's MoneySaver who wants advice asks...

    Our daughter has returned home after flying the nest as she found the cost of independent living too expensive.

    She earns over £20,000 a year after tax and has plenty of money left over each month for clothes and social events. We want to be reasonable parents but would appreciate a small contribution regularly to help us with the extra costs and she is not keen on this suggestion. This is causing a bit of an atmosphere at home as we are not wealthy and are economising every day. What would be a reasonable amount to charge?
    Originally posted by MSE Sarah
    As this is a situation where I'm assuming we are talking about an independent, earning adult (rather than a child or youngster just starting out in the employment field), I'd suggest a 3-way split of all the bills. On the face of it, this would be more like a house-share as its 3 adults.

    However, if the OP (if one exists) wants to keep to just a "small" contribution, then they need to consider how much more expensive it is (extra fuel bills, food bills etc?) having daughter back at home, and charge her that amount.
    • cjdavies
    • By cjdavies 12th Sep 17, 10:53 PM
    • 2,585 Posts
    • 2,525 Thanks
    cjdavies
    • #7
    • 12th Sep 17, 10:53 PM
    • #7
    • 12th Sep 17, 10:53 PM
    She doesn't want to pay anything, there's the front door you came in from.

    Don't bother with saving the money and give it back, what is the point?! They should learn to save themselves.
    Last edited by cjdavies; 12-09-2017 at 10:55 PM.
    • _nate
    • By _nate 13th Sep 17, 12:17 AM
    • 58 Posts
    • 33 Thanks
    _nate
    • #8
    • 13th Sep 17, 12:17 AM
    • #8
    • 13th Sep 17, 12:17 AM
    Yes, sure, bring her into the world and then when you're fed up of looking after her, screw her for the same kind of nonsense private landlords would demand. She'll love you for that. Did you plan what this extra money would be used for? Did you pay your parents?

    (And how old is she, and where does she live? And earning 20k is nothing in most big UK cities.)

    I write in a rude fashion, I accept. But I've been able to save up enough to move away properly through my parents taking the exact opposite approach to you. It's made me regain my independence that was otherwise at the mercy of London landlords' whims.
    • Kazt2006
    • By Kazt2006 13th Sep 17, 6:58 AM
    • 4 Posts
    • 9 Thanks
    Kazt2006
    • #9
    • 13th Sep 17, 6:58 AM
    • #9
    • 13th Sep 17, 6:58 AM
    When I graduated 15 years ago, I was earning £11k per annum and my board was approx £130 per month. Over the years I got salary increases and new jobs and by the time I finally got my own place 6 years later, I was earning c£23k and paying £230 to £250 a month plus around £100 for my own food.

    My mum's attitude was if you don't like it - tough, find somewhere else to live!!!


    I still got a huge shock when I got a mortgage and started paying my own bills!
    • abjem21
    • By abjem21 13th Sep 17, 7:48 AM
    • 104 Posts
    • 186 Thanks
    abjem21
    What we did
    Our oldest contributed £100 per month towards the running cost of her car from her first pay packet at 17 years of age, she also paid for her own fuel. (we live in the sticks and no work is possible without transport, which we initially funded while she was at school, "a moped" & onto college, "a small, 9 year old car")
    When she turned 21 we asked her to increase this to £200 per month, half for the car and half towards the household bills, she wasn't enthusiastic about it, but she did pay it every month until she moved out into her own home three months ago On which she and her partner got a mortgage, they were able to save most of the deposit in 2 separate help to buy isa's only because we (and her partners mother) only charged them a nominal amount for their keep. When she moved out we gave her back all the money we had taken from her for her keep (Not the car money, the £100 per month barely coved the cost of running it!) to make it so they had a full 10% mortgage deposit. They got a great deal on their mortgage and consequently both have a sensible attitude to money, we are I think unsurprisingly, very proud of both of them
    To anyone that tells you "There is no I in team" say no there isn't
    But there ARE TWO I'S IN COMMISSION and I dont get paid "Team"
    .....................
    Faint Heart, Fair Maiden, Juan NEVER!.
    • BBH123
    • By BBH123 13th Sep 17, 8:02 AM
    • 405 Posts
    • 543 Thanks
    BBH123
    I can't believe she thinks she can live anywhere and pay no costs tbh, whether she is not keen or not she has to contribute something.

    I am not in the camp of fleecing your kids and charging full wack but I would do what my dad did for us and charge about £80 a week but quietly put £40 away so when she eventually moved she'd have a little lump sum to help wirth costs.
    • NannySue
    • By NannySue 13th Sep 17, 8:05 AM
    • 1 Posts
    • 3 Thanks
    NannySue
    I think 25% of net income is a reasonable amount. I left school in 1965 and gave my mother 1/3rd of my weekly wage. The daughter can't expect to live rent free and should be willing to make a contribution.
    • Jupiter4
    • By Jupiter4 13th Sep 17, 8:13 AM
    • 1 Posts
    • 1 Thanks
    Jupiter4
    First sensible reply to this manufared dilemma
    You chose to have kids out of love so don't switch that off just because your offspring's grown up and earning, or make parental love conditional on her paying you for living at home! Reducing relationships to a financial consideration isn't loving or encouraging your daughter to see beyond pound signs. Encourage her to save eg for a deposit instead with any spare cash
    • koru
    • By koru 13th Sep 17, 8:19 AM
    • 1,261 Posts
    • 639 Thanks
    koru
    Unless she has no income, I'd say that at a minimum she should pay enough to cover any extra costs you are incurring, so that you are no worse off. I'm guessing that is mainly food. You should be able to work this out from the till receipts.

    Unless you are switching the heating on more, other bills (power, phone, broadband, rent/mortgage, water, council tax) won't be much different, so no need to include this if you just want to be no worse off. Maybe a few quid to cover extra hot water used, for showers.

    If, however, unless you want her to pay a share, like a flat-sharer, include a third of those bills, too.
    koru
    • bertiewhite
    • By bertiewhite 13th Sep 17, 8:28 AM
    • 540 Posts
    • 501 Thanks
    bertiewhite
    I used to give my parents a third of what I earnt but when my steplad started earning, I asked him what he thought was a fair amount to pay us and I think he came up with around £200 per month which happened to be about a third of the council tax, utility & food bills if I remember correctly.
    • iclayt
    • By iclayt 13th Sep 17, 8:32 AM
    • 416 Posts
    • 810 Thanks
    iclayt
    I have never, ever expected or asked my parents for money... But:
    When I moved to uni my parents insisted on paying my rent
    They have always helped out when moving flats and I needed a deposit instantly
    I have boomeranged back several times over the years and they have never let me pay any board

    Subsequently I am terrible with money and struggle to save anything. You need to take something from her, however nominal. My parents wouldn't take it from me so I was lucky in one respect but never really appreciated how difficult life can be, financially. I'm more stable now but I wish I'd had a harder lesson earlier on. I think about 50 a week to start and review your costs TOGETHER after a few months to see if it's fair. She may not realise how big an impact moving back will have on you.
    • clogmaker
    • By clogmaker 13th Sep 17, 8:37 AM
    • 2 Posts
    • 4 Thanks
    clogmaker
    Communication
    This is a tricky question and requires sensitivity, on all sides. After all, you have to live together and you are a family, not a business. However, bills are a reality! A calm frank discussion is required. Both sides need to prepare a list of financial needs. The young person will have his/her responsibilities and it is helpful to see these. It helps the parents to have a prepared statement of running costs, all of which would have to be paid were the young person to rent independently. Is food included? What contribution is expected towards household bills, chores, replacements etc. These costs need to be covered. £60-£80 per week, set up on direct debit is not unreasonable!
    Any "surplus" could be returned if and when a house purchase is made.
    We have both retired.
    Three of our four children have now moved back home! They know the conditions and are respectful of our position. We encourage them to be prudent, enjoy life, share and save. We have helped the fourth child to buy a home and are keen to help the others to do likewise. They each have a HTB ISA to which they contribute £200 per month.
    I wish you a smooth negotiation.
    • Organicallsorts
    • By Organicallsorts 13th Sep 17, 8:39 AM
    • 1 Posts
    • 3 Thanks
    Organicallsorts
    Surely one of the responsibilities of being a parent is to bring up their children to be independent and self sufficient, paying their way is part of this. I paid my parents 50% of my wages plus a contribution to the TV rental (this was 55 years ago I may add). It came as a shock at first but gave me a real boost into adulthood and managing money wisely. I certainly did not love them less and really appreciate what they did as I now know that what I have achieved is due to my own efforts and that I was not subsidised by my parents. This has given me a core of confidence and a "can do" attitude that no-one can take away so is worth every penny. My concern today is that we seem to be ending up with a generation of needy, dependent people lacking money awareness and self sufficiency who do not want to grow up, do we really want this? My kids had to pay 20% of their wages into the household kitty (I did as well) before they moved out, to cover all the outgoings of the flat, plus buy their own food and felt this was a fair system. I am also reassured that when I die they will be able to look after themselves properly.
    • Queen Kong
    • By Queen Kong 13th Sep 17, 8:40 AM
    • 1 Posts
    • 2 Thanks
    Queen Kong
    Fair's Fair
    Work out what it's costing you to have your daughter back home i.e, extra energy and water costs, possible extra council tax, food, laundry etc. then arrive at a weekly/monthly figure.
    Given her income something between £200 and £400 per calendar month would be reasonable. Present her with the evidence.
    Also, it's possible that your daughter has got into debt (credit cards?) trying to keep up with her friends. Broach the subject as gently as you can but accept that she may not be ready to seek help, even from her parents
    • Pollycat
    • By Pollycat 13th Sep 17, 8:41 AM
    • 17,632 Posts
    • 44,900 Thanks
    Pollycat
    Maybe the best advice for the person with the MMD is to explain how the 'search' function works.

    Lots of threads on how much board/rent to charge adult children:

    Here's 2 to be going on with:

    http://forums.moneysavingexpert.com/showthread.php?t=5593151

    http://forums.moneysavingexpert.com/showthread.php?t=5586899
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