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    • debsue
    • By debsue 7th Jul 17, 9:05 AM
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    debsue
    When is infidelity infidelity?
    • #1
    • 7th Jul 17, 9:05 AM
    When is infidelity infidelity? 7th Jul 17 at 9:05 AM
    A friend has discovered that her husband has been flirting with a random woman he met on FB. This has been done over messenger and has been going on for a while. She knew that they were chatting but had no idea that it had become flirty, she has now discovered that they are facetiming when she is not home. She says this is as bad as an affair, I say not, what do you think?
Page 1
    • Malthusian
    • By Malthusian 7th Jul 17, 9:13 AM
    • 2,596 Posts
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    Malthusian
    • #2
    • 7th Jul 17, 9:13 AM
    • #2
    • 7th Jul 17, 9:13 AM
    If he is making it clear that he is attracted to her and vice versa then it is an affair. If you are asking whether it is as bad as an affair where they are actually having sex, then the answer is no, but it is still bad.

    (I am assuming it is actually flirting, as sometimes one person's flirting is another person's jesting banter, but in the absence of the actual messages we have to take the wife's interpretation at face value; the Stewart test applies.)
    • Artytarty
    • By Artytarty 7th Jul 17, 9:13 AM
    • 2,098 Posts
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    Artytarty
    • #3
    • 7th Jul 17, 9:13 AM
    • #3
    • 7th Jul 17, 9:13 AM
    Not as bad.
    Hurtful but hopefully there is a way back.
    Norn Iron Club member 473
    • PeacefulWaters
    • By PeacefulWaters 7th Jul 17, 9:14 AM
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    PeacefulWaters
    • #4
    • 7th Jul 17, 9:14 AM
    • #4
    • 7th Jul 17, 9:14 AM
    If it feels like an affair to the betrayed spouse then it's an affair.
    • glentoran99
    • By glentoran99 7th Jul 17, 9:15 AM
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    glentoran99
    • #5
    • 7th Jul 17, 9:15 AM
    • #5
    • 7th Jul 17, 9:15 AM
    Infidelity is in the eye of the person on the receiving end, If the wife finds it unacceptable then it is
    • bouicca21
    • By bouicca21 7th Jul 17, 9:23 AM
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    bouicca21
    • #6
    • 7th Jul 17, 9:23 AM
    • #6
    • 7th Jul 17, 9:23 AM
    An affair in the mind is still an affair.
    • gabriel1980
    • By gabriel1980 7th Jul 17, 9:30 AM
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    gabriel1980
    • #7
    • 7th Jul 17, 9:30 AM
    • #7
    • 7th Jul 17, 9:30 AM
    I would say not an affair, but I think he's probably seriously considering an affair
    • suejb2
    • By suejb2 7th Jul 17, 9:42 AM
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    suejb2
    • #8
    • 7th Jul 17, 9:42 AM
    Flirting
    • #8
    • 7th Jul 17, 9:42 AM
    Take away the medium with which they flirt. Go old style, they write letters to each other and they wait till wife is gone to meet behind her back and it equates to cheating.
    Bringing technology into the mix I.M.O doesn't negate the cheating.
    Life is like a bath, the longer you are in it the more wrinkly you become.
    • Guest101
    • By Guest101 7th Jul 17, 10:22 AM
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    Guest101
    • #9
    • 7th Jul 17, 10:22 AM
    • #9
    • 7th Jul 17, 10:22 AM
    If it feels like an affair to the betrayed spouse then it's an affair.
    Originally posted by PeacefulWaters


    Really? That's incredibly subjective, no-one can determine or control how another may feel or react to a circumstance.


    A reasonable person test is much more useful.


    Would a reasonable person be upset - ofcourse
    But would they classify it as an affair - well that's the discussion


    (for what it's worth, no this isnt an affair imho)
    • Judi
    • By Judi 7th Jul 17, 10:29 AM
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    Judi
    I always say if youve gone further than you would like your partner to go than its gone too far.
    'Holy crap on a cracker!'
    • glentoran99
    • By glentoran99 7th Jul 17, 10:59 AM
    • 4,403 Posts
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    glentoran99
    Really? That's incredibly subjective, no-one can determine or control how another may feel or react to a circumstance.


    A reasonable person test is much more useful.


    Would a reasonable person be upset - ofcourse
    But would they classify it as an affair - well that's the discussion


    (for what it's worth, no this isnt an affair imho)
    Originally posted by Guest101


    You would think this wouldn't be a big ask of a spouse?
    • Guest101
    • By Guest101 7th Jul 17, 11:25 AM
    • 14,625 Posts
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    Guest101
    You would think this wouldn't be a big ask of a spouse?
    Originally posted by glentoran99


    How does one control the reaction of their spouse?
    • Mojisola
    • By Mojisola 7th Jul 17, 11:48 AM
    • 27,973 Posts
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    Mojisola
    A friend has discovered that her husband has been flirting with a random woman he met on FB. This has been done over messenger and has been going on for a while. She knew that they were chatting but had no idea that it had become flirty, she has now discovered that they are facetiming when she is not home.
    Originally posted by debsue
    If he's talking to this woman in ways that he wouldn't if his wife was sitting beside him, then he's out of order whether it's officially an 'affair' or not.
    • keithdc
    • By keithdc 7th Jul 17, 12:29 PM
    • 240 Posts
    • 476 Thanks
    keithdc
    Really? That's incredibly subjective, no-one can determine or control how another may feel or react to a circumstance.


    A reasonable person test is much more useful.


    Would a reasonable person be upset - ofcourse
    But would they classify it as an affair - well that's the discussion


    (for what it's worth, no this isnt an affair imho)
    Originally posted by Guest101
    But... the only real judgement that is relevant is that of the people involved.

    This is not a court of law or employment disciplinary.
    • fewgroats
    • By fewgroats 7th Jul 17, 12:32 PM
    • 278 Posts
    • 154 Thanks
    fewgroats
    Do you require a dictionary definition then?
    Lent Challenge: 132/200 Failed
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    • glentoran99
    • By glentoran99 7th Jul 17, 12:33 PM
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    glentoran99
    How does one control the reaction of their spouse?
    Originally posted by Guest101
    You don't control but you can anticipate, if you know a person well enough to marry them its wont take a fortune teller to predict
    • onomatopoeia99
    • By onomatopoeia99 7th Jul 17, 12:58 PM
    • 3,187 Posts
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    onomatopoeia99
    Infidelity (which is what was asked about in the title, rather than "an affair" ) is when intercourse takes place, at least as far as getting a divorce is concerned, according to the government website.

    "An affair" would typically involve a degree of physical intimacy, which would not necessarily include intercourse.

    Having a female friend and sharing emotional problems with them or just laughing and chatting is not infidelity nor an affair. I do that with a couple of different female friends. I have never had sex with or even kissed either in over fifteen years of friendship (well, I kissed one on the cheek once, on her wedding day). Any man involved with a woman who thinks they should not have other female friends now they're with her should run away very fast.
    INTP, nerd, libertarian and scifi geek.
    Home is where my books are.
    • leespot
    • By leespot 7th Jul 17, 1:09 PM
    • 542 Posts
    • 434 Thanks
    leespot
    Infidelity (which is what was asked about in the title, rather than "an affair" ) is when intercourse takes place, at least as far as getting a divorce is concerned, according to the government website.

    "An affair" would typically involve a degree of physical intimacy, which would not necessarily include intercourse.

    Having a female friend and sharing emotional problems with them or just laughing and chatting is not infidelity nor an affair. I do that with a couple of different female friends. I have never had sex with or even kissed either in over fifteen years of friendship (well, I kissed one on the cheek once, on her wedding day). Any man involved with a woman who thinks they should not have other female friends now they're with her should run away very fast.
    Originally posted by onomatopoeia99
    From the OP, this appears to have moved on from the level of what most of us would consider a 'friend'. If there was nothing untoward, they wouldn't have to wait for the wife to be away before facetiming or whatever else it is they're doing.

    It isn't an affair, nor an act of infidelity, however it is not the behaviour expected of a married man. What the behaviour can lead to is where the problem lies.
    • onlyroz
    • By onlyroz 7th Jul 17, 1:10 PM
    • 13,314 Posts
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    onlyroz
    If he's talking to this woman in ways that he wouldn't if his wife was sitting beside him, then he's out of order whether it's officially an 'affair' or not.
    Originally posted by Mojisola
    This. If it was an innocent friendship then there would be no need for subterfuge. If he's writing messages that he would be unhappy for his wife to see then he's probably acting out of order. Whether what he has done merits the end of the relationship really depends on how far these communications have gone. Flirty chat can perhaps be forgiven. Web-cam sex, on the other hand, probably can't be.
    • leespot
    • By leespot 7th Jul 17, 1:14 PM
    • 542 Posts
    • 434 Thanks
    leespot
    This. If it was an innocent friendship then there would be no need for subterfuge. If he's writing messages that he would be unhappy for his wife to see then he's probably acting out of order. Whether what he has done merits the end of the relationship really depends on how far these communications have gone. Flirty chat can perhaps be forgiven. Web-cam sex, on the other hand, probably can't be.
    Originally posted by onlyroz
    Not wanting to show his wife the messages is a good indicator of how far they've gone with it. I know from personal experience that when someone sends these types of messages, then is caught, and subsequently deletes them all before you can even know their content, the relationship takes on a totally different dynamic, not least in terms of trust.
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