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  • FIRST POST
    • dcouponzzzz
    • By dcouponzzzz 13th Jun 17, 9:36 AM
    • 404Posts
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    dcouponzzzz
    Too many holidays?
    • #1
    • 13th Jun 17, 9:36 AM
    Too many holidays? 13th Jun 17 at 9:36 AM
    Apologies in advance for the long post!

    So I'm posting here for advice on either of the two options:

    - How do I justify spending money on holidays for myself, or
    - How do I help my OH see my financial commitments don't allow me the holidays she expects.

    I've been with the OH only a year now, and in that year we will have been on 2 bigger holidays (costing £1k+) and 3 smaller ones (countryside hotel stays). She has plans for about 3 more small trips before the end of this year.

    Now, she's 23 living with her parents and on an average wage, with few outgoings and a fair bit of disposable income, whereas I'm 28 with a mortgage and all the financial and time commitments that come with it. I've spent 5 years living penny to penny and only in the past 3-4 months have I reached a career stage where I have any disposable income.

    I have a list of home improvements in priority order which totals £3.5k that has never been addressed, plus my own personal list of items I would really like to own (£3k) which is lowest priority, but would be nice.

    Nowhere on my list do beach holidays or city breaks appear. I want to have real experiences like visit Machu Picchu, the Mayan temples, cruise around Alaska, or even rent a car and drive around America camping for a month.

    These still don't make it on the list because they're lowest of the low priority, just a dream in the far distant future when I've fixed up the house, bought my luxuries and saved an emergency fund. Possibly even after I've paid off the £130k mortgage, as I can now afford to over-pay by double the monthly payment, possibly triple if I continue as I have been.

    To summarise... should I be taking every opportunity to travel and relax with priority over home commitments and personal goals? If not, how can I say no to the OH when she makes plans for how I spend my money? (she never asks for a penny from me, just making me spend it on myself). If I say no I'm sure it's a deal breaker, and everything else about her personality is perfect. I'm not even sure this is an undesirable thing...


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    Last edited by MSE Andrea; 28-06-2017 at 9:57 AM.
    Started 07/15. Car finance £16,150 :/ , Mortgage: 130k - Savings: £600
Page 1
    • Kayalana99
    • By Kayalana99 13th Jun 17, 9:40 AM
    • 3,337 Posts
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    Kayalana99
    • #2
    • 13th Jun 17, 9:40 AM
    • #2
    • 13th Jun 17, 9:40 AM
    If a deal breaker is you going on a few holidays with her then she isn't perfect for you. I think you have to find the balance though, you need to achieve your personal goals and home commitments but it's nice to travel and relax...maybe commit £x amount per month to your goals and stick to it. If she starts pushing you over budget then explain you can't afford to as you are doing XYZ to the house.
    People don't know what they want until you show them.
    • cjdavies
    • By cjdavies 13th Jun 17, 9:48 AM
    • 2,786 Posts
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    cjdavies
    • #3
    • 13th Jun 17, 9:48 AM
    • #3
    • 13th Jun 17, 9:48 AM
    As you point she still lives her parents so no outgoings like owning a house does.

    Time for the talk and tell her how it is, what your priorities are, if she doesn't like it then she is not the one.
    • BrassicWoman
    • By BrassicWoman 13th Jun 17, 9:52 AM
    • 1,361 Posts
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    BrassicWoman
    • #4
    • 13th Jun 17, 9:52 AM
    • #4
    • 13th Jun 17, 9:52 AM
    Perhaps she can go on some of these breaks with her friends, not you? Then everyone gets what they want.
    Downsized and mortgage free
    Nov17 grocery challenge £133.10/£150
    • dcouponzzzz
    • By dcouponzzzz 13th Jun 17, 9:52 AM
    • 404 Posts
    • 170 Thanks
    dcouponzzzz
    • #5
    • 13th Jun 17, 9:52 AM
    • #5
    • 13th Jun 17, 9:52 AM
    I've tried explaining about the other financial commitments but it's become a running joke with her and both our families that she wants to go on holiday every other week (exaggeration, but she still would if she could).

    Thank you for replying, but saying she's not perfect for me isn't constructive, otherwise I'd be single my entire life looking for perfection. I am prepared for her to call everything off for our interests not aligning on this because it's so important to her, but I wouldn't call it off just for this because it's not a deal breaker to me, just frustrating.
    Started 07/15. Car finance £16,150 :/ , Mortgage: 130k - Savings: £600
    • dcouponzzzz
    • By dcouponzzzz 13th Jun 17, 9:54 AM
    • 404 Posts
    • 170 Thanks
    dcouponzzzz
    • #6
    • 13th Jun 17, 9:54 AM
    • #6
    • 13th Jun 17, 9:54 AM
    I'd love for her to do this, but her friends aren't in the financial position to do so, with most of them pregnant/engaged/with children!
    Started 07/15. Car finance £16,150 :/ , Mortgage: 130k - Savings: £600
    • Guest101
    • By Guest101 13th Jun 17, 9:56 AM
    • 15,128 Posts
    • 14,763 Thanks
    Guest101
    • #7
    • 13th Jun 17, 9:56 AM
    • #7
    • 13th Jun 17, 9:56 AM
    Just say no. It's that simple.
    • fairy lights
    • By fairy lights 13th Jun 17, 10:00 AM
    • 8,278 Posts
    • 27,724 Thanks
    fairy lights
    • #8
    • 13th Jun 17, 10:00 AM
    • #8
    • 13th Jun 17, 10:00 AM
    Just tell her you can't afford it because you've got other financial commitments. She's not going to throw a tantrum about it, is she? Compromise on one holiday together a year maybe. If this is something that has become a big issue then frankly it doesn't bode well for the future of your relationship.
    • dcouponzzzz
    • By dcouponzzzz 13th Jun 17, 10:01 AM
    • 404 Posts
    • 170 Thanks
    dcouponzzzz
    • #9
    • 13th Jun 17, 10:01 AM
    • #9
    • 13th Jun 17, 10:01 AM
    Just say no. It's that simple.
    Originally posted by Guest101
    If only it were that simple if your OH wants to plan a holiday to a log cabin in Scotland for her bday and you said no, I need a new fridge... How would that go down? Haha
    Started 07/15. Car finance £16,150 :/ , Mortgage: 130k - Savings: £600
    • Oakdene
    • By Oakdene 13th Jun 17, 10:03 AM
    • 1,348 Posts
    • 3,880 Thanks
    Oakdene
    If only it were that simple if your OH wants to plan a holiday to a log cabin in Scotland for her bday and you said no, I need a new fridge... How would that go down? Haha
    Originally posted by dcouponzzzz
    Its simple, be honest. I'd rather my OH tell me the truth as opposed to doing something just to make me happy
    • dcouponzzzz
    • By dcouponzzzz 13th Jun 17, 10:09 AM
    • 404 Posts
    • 170 Thanks
    dcouponzzzz
    Its simple, be honest. I'd rather my OH tell me the truth as opposed to doing something just to make me happy
    Originally posted by Oakdene
    I've said the same things I have in this post to her a number of time but her response is that she wants to enjoy her life while she's young and before she can't because of having kids in future or not having enough money. I do have enough money to do this, just not enough for everything else as well!
    Started 07/15. Car finance £16,150 :/ , Mortgage: 130k - Savings: £600
    • Oakdene
    • By Oakdene 13th Jun 17, 10:12 AM
    • 1,348 Posts
    • 3,880 Thanks
    Oakdene
    I've said the same things I have in this post to her a number of time but her response is that she wants to enjoy her life while she's young and before she can't because of having kids in future or not having enough money. I do have enough money to do this, just not enough for everything else as well!
    Originally posted by dcouponzzzz
    Do you, perhaps, have to accept that you currently want different things?
    • Out, Vile Jelly
    • By Out, Vile Jelly 13th Jun 17, 10:15 AM
    • 3,679 Posts
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    Out, Vile Jelly
    I wouldn't want to go on so many holidays. Not just the money; I have other things to fit into my life (a garden which needs a lot of attention, many friends to keep up with etc).

    How you spend your time and money is a core basis for a relationship. If you can't agree on this then you're going to split up at some point over it.
    They are an EYESORES!!!!
    • KateySW
    • By KateySW 13th Jun 17, 10:19 AM
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    KateySW
    She should understand and be accepting if you say no sometimes. I spend a lot of my time looking at holidays on Secret Escapes very wistfully, but my OH does not prioritise holidays whatsoever. The solution? We look at what we can do with our money, or what we want to achieve together during the year, and come to an agreement that makes us both happy.

    If a holiday was more important than home improvements to you right now, I'd tell you to go on holiday. But if home improvements are a higher priority to you because you've already had your holiday fill, then sort those out. Seems simple to me. I'd just get them started and then say "oh, this probably means one big holiday this year/ a couple of mini breaks at a maximum" and carry on living your life...

    If she doesn't understand why, maybe ask her why she's still living with her parents? Probably because it's a lot easier financially, right? Leaving more spare cash around for lots of holidays during the year...? Ta-dah!

    Different people prioritise different things. As a partnership, you compromise.
    • ringo_24601
    • By ringo_24601 13th Jun 17, 10:19 AM
    • 17,053 Posts
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    ringo_24601
    I think I use to be you. Very financially focused. Saved a deposit, sacrificed holidays/car ect..

    I met my wife, and there was a clash. She liked holidays. She liked having a nice car.

    We've made a compromise, it's been a bit tough at times. Your desire to be mortgage free shouldn't stop you both enjoying your life. This is actually why I can't understand people's over-frugality in a desire to over-pay mortgages.

    I'd say enjoy yourself now while you can and you are young enough. I wish we'd had more holidays together before we settled down to have kids. I was 29 when the first one arrived and 31 when the second. If you think life is a financial struggle, try it with two kids. If you think holidays are expensive you've never tried paying for a family trip!
    • Mojisola
    • By Mojisola 13th Jun 17, 10:29 AM
    • 28,524 Posts
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    Mojisola
    I'd love for her to do this, but her friends aren't in the financial position to do so, with most of them pregnant/engaged/with children!
    Originally posted by dcouponzzzz
    I've said the same things I have in this post to her a number of time but her response is that she wants to enjoy her life while she's young and before she can't because of having kids in future or not having enough money.

    I do have enough money to do this, just not enough for everything else as well!
    Originally posted by dcouponzzzz
    You've already gone past the stage that she's stuck in and so have her friends. She's only able to be so extravagant with holidays because she's being subbed by her parents covering most of her living costs.

    Options -
    the two of you learn to compromise and split the spending between home and holidays;
    she really wants you to go with her so she pays for you;
    she finds some new friends to go on holiday with;
    you give in to her every wish and put all your plans on hold.
    • Guest101
    • By Guest101 13th Jun 17, 10:32 AM
    • 15,128 Posts
    • 14,763 Thanks
    Guest101
    If only it were that simple if your OH wants to plan a holiday to a log cabin in Scotland for her bday and you said no, I need a new fridge... How would that go down? Haha
    Originally posted by dcouponzzzz


    That's a birthday, she doesn't have 6 of those a year presumably.


    But yes if I couldn't afford it, I would say so.
    • *~Zephyr~*
    • By *~Zephyr~* 13th Jun 17, 10:32 AM
    • 578 Posts
    • 1,139 Thanks
    *~Zephyr~*
    There is always the argument that says, at the end of your life, you're going to look back on the memories you made on these holidays and smile. You're not going to be sat in your nursing home saying to your other half "oooh, remember that time when we overpaid the mortgage..." or "How about the fun we had choosing the new fridge-freezer"

    I'm all for having an emergency pot and making small overpayments to shorten the mortgage life, but not at the expense of enjoying life and building memories.

    A compromise will have to be found if this relationship is going to work. I can't see her dropping from 8 holidays to one a year, but if she agrees on perhaps 4 holidays a year and she starts a savings pot with what she would have spent on the rest and if you agree to overpay your mortgage a little less and make those 4 holidays memorable then a middle ground can be found.
    • anna_1977
    • By anna_1977 13th Jun 17, 10:32 AM
    • 598 Posts
    • 839 Thanks
    anna_1977
    Depends how much financial information you want her to know. Why not show her your outgoings/incomings and just say that you really can only afford 1 big, 1 small (or whatever) holiday a year as you have essentials that need doing on the house.
    Or you just go ahead and do the essentials and then tell her you can't afford a holiday as you've just had new carpets etc....

    i agree that it shouldn't be a deal breaker BUT there has to be a compromise
    • TBagpuss
    • By TBagpuss 13th Jun 17, 10:55 AM
    • 6,038 Posts
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    TBagpuss
    I think you are fine to say to her "that sounds great, but I can't afford it - if you decide to go, have a great time and I'll look forward to hearing all about it" or
    "that sounds great, but I can't afford it, so unless you're pffering to pay for me, I won't be able to go. But have a great time and I'll look forward to hearing all about it"

    I also think that longer term it would be worth trying to reach a compromise - talk to her to explain that because of your mortgage and other commitments you don't have much in the way of disposable income so really can't afford these holidays.

    I think however that it would be reasonable to have some compromises - for instance, to start putting some money aside for holidays / leisure, and then plan with her where you go when you go together.

    the type of holiday is a separate issue - your comment about 'real experiences' grates on me a little. An experience is real if you are experiencing it rather than watching someone else. Visiting Mayan temples is no more (or less) a 'real experience' than visiting (say) the Parthenon , or the Giants Causeway.Of course it is fine for you to have different tastes as to what your first choice of holiday would be, but you may find that the conversation goes better if you don't imply that your tastes are somehow superior.

    And there are lots of things you can o as a couple which allow you to compromise - Patara in Turkey, for instance, has some amazing ruins right next to a beautiful beach, there are lots of places in the Greek Islands where you can combine beaches with more active / adventurous / cultural pursuits, and so on.

    Of course it is absolutely fine to say "It's my dream to visit Machu Piccu - I'm saving up to be able to to that but it costs around £xxxx so it's basically 3 years worth of holidays in one go" but it's worth considering a bit of flexibility. For instance, if you decide that it will take you 3 years 9 or 4 , or 5) to save up for *your* dream holiday,think about whether you would be willing to wait 5, or 6 or 7 years for it and use some of the money you would otherwise have saved to go on other holidays with your partner in the mean time.

    Successful relationships involve both parties being willing to compromise sometimes.

    You mention saving up for your luxuries. What are those? Do you think of time with your partner as a luxury? If so, you might find it helpful to frame it to yourself not as spending lots of money on holidays which are not your ideal but as spending money to spend time with your partner

    Equally, it is reasonable for your partner to compromise and to accept that you are not able to go on as many holidays as she does, and that the type of holiday she enjoys are not all to your taste, so when you do go away together you won't be ding all of the same things she might do when she goes alone.

    If you feel pressured to spend money (even just on yourself) that you don't want to spend, or don't want to spend in that way, then that isn't a good sign - it's a recipe for building resentment.
    But talking to her and working out a middle ground where you can both be happy (which may involve her also going away on holidays by herself or with others) is reasonable.
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