How to encourage partner to become a MSE??

kate5555 · 6 April 2016 at 12:26PM

Hi everyone,

I hope this is the right place to post this and sorry if this turns into a long winded rant!

I was just wondering if anyone had any tips on how to encourage a partner to learnt to manage their money better? Surely there must be some people on this board with non MSE partners - do you just let them do their own thing or tried to get them to change their ways - if so, how???

I consider myself pretty good with my money, budgeting and saving as much as I can. I live with my partner and I am in charge of arranging all household bills etc - he pays me a lump sum to roughly cover shared expenses, a standing order to his own savings account, and he is left with around £500 which he can do what he wants with. I think this is plenty but he never has money left over and sometimes has to dip into his savings to get him to the end of the month. To me, most of this money is pretty much wasted every month - it seems to go on nights out, smoking (of the regular and grass variety), clothes, lunch at work and 'treat' food which I make him buy himself (he has an expensive taste for seafood) etc.

We are by no means in a bad situtation but I would really like to encourage him to understand where his leftover money is being spend (wasted) and plan for future spending a bit more. I just can't seem to get him interested. I use YNAB for budgeting and recording transactions but I am sure there is no way he could be bothered to do that. I would also love to get him to have a look at the useful advice on MSE but he doesn't really like to read, especially as his first language is not English.

I may be asking the impossible but is there anyway I can get him to WANT to be better with money? I have tried explaining to him how I manage my money but I am a bit of a nerd about this stuff (daughter of two accountants :cool:) so maybe something simpler would be better but I don't really know where to begin!

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Domayne · 6 April 2016 at 1:37PM

I don't think you can make anyone be MSE if they don't really want to be or haven't had a 'lightbulb' type moment yet. I'd focus on trying to get him to stop smoking weed! I don't know how much he smokes but until January I was spending nearly £300 per month on it which is crazy now I think about it! I stay off of it by focusing on the holidays I am going to go on and how much more I will have for spending money plus the other things I want to buy like a new gaming pc! Try and appeal to his hobbies and make him see how much he can save towards X if he stops smoking it. Or at the very least cut his use age down!
Good luck

kate5555 · 6 April 2016 at 2:24PM

Thanks that is a good idea! You are right that quitting smoking would be a good place to start - cigarettes and weed combined are "only" about £40 a week but yes if I get him to think in terms of say 2 months quitting and he will have saved enough for a new Xbox then that might help motivate him!!

kate5555 · 6 April 2016 at 3:32PM

P.S. Domayne - I was slightly worried I would get only judgemental replies when I mentioned he smokes weed so I am glad yours is the first post!

Domayne · 6 April 2016 at 3:41PM

My philosophy in life is as long as you're not hurting anyone - Do whatever you want, Even if it's not deemed as 'socially acceptable'
Which on this forum, There isn't much that is acceptable.
I recently learnt that having a few drinks and doing some stupid stuff makes you an alcoholic in denial

kate5555 · 6 April 2016 at 3:59PM

Good philosophy! I guess my boyfriend is a drug addict in denial too then :rotfl:

Domayne · 6 April 2016 at 4:05PM

Well I don't think you can call him a drug addict if he only spends £40 a week combined with cigarettes....That's what, an 8th a week?
I used to smoke that a day but I'd still never call myself a 'drug addict' so...people can think what they want really, Never saw it as any different from the majority of the country going to the pub after work for a few pints!

surveyqueenuk · 6 April 2016 at 4:06PM

Give me a bunch of stoners over a gaggle of drunks any day!

You'll get replies advising you to nag him to stop smoking. However, nagging rarely works. If anything, it just makes people smoke more. I would work towards encouraging reduction rather than telling him to just stop. Whilst marijuana is not physically addictive, it can create psychological addiction and this can sometimes be more difficult to overcome.

What about the work lunches? Can he take a pack-up? As for the clothes, could he possibly go a month without buying any?

kate5555 · 6 April 2016 at 4:37PM

Domayne wrote: »

Well I don't think you can call him a drug addict if he only spends £40 a week combined with cigarettes....That's what, an 8th a week?
I used to smoke that a day but I'd still never call myself a 'drug addict' so...people can think what they want really, Never saw it as any different from the majority of the country going to the pub after work for a few pints!

I was just kidding, likening it to your quote that members of the forum think you can be an alcoholic for doing some dumb stuff after a few drinks

he is definitely not an addict, he just smokes a little bit after work to relax. I do too sometimes so I am not in a great position for nagging!

We have cut down smoking a lot compared to a few years ago and now barely smoke - couple of packs of cigarettes each per week and 1 small bag of weed for him. We have been trying to quit smoking on and off for a long time but can't seem to make it permanent. I know we could seek help for quitting but because we don't consider ourselves heavy smokers we dont think we really need it. We are starting to consider having a family so maybe that will be the trigger to get us to quit for good. In the meantime however it would be good to get him to save money on other things too!

The thing is surveyqueenuk, I would consider almost all of his leftover money as spent on unneccessary luxuries that could be cut down, but he just doesn't want to! I suppose as suggested I need to get him to focus on saving for things he really wants.

The problem is (not that you can really call it a problem I suppose) is that my salary is twice of his so between us we can afford most of what we want. For example when we go on holiday together I can lend him the money for his part and he pays me back in installments. Its not really encouraging him to save but I would feel really mean to tell him no I'm not lending you the money because you have to learn to save! But I would really like him to learn that by himself! Is it too late to teach that old dog new tricks do you think?? Should I resign myself to being the main breadwinner and continue dealing with all our joint expenses and just let him his monthly allowance? Sometimes it makes me feel like his mum even though he is 15 years older than me!! :wall:

Domayne · 6 April 2016 at 4:44PM

Oh I know you were kidding

Tone can be hard to convey by text but it was...a pre emptive strike before the anti-drug brigade come along to convince you that he is in fact an addict of some description :rotfl:

I don't think it's ever too late to teach an old dog new tricks btw, I didn't learn how to save until nearly 30!

FBaby · 6 April 2016 at 5:00PM

The thing is surveyqueenuk, I would consider almost all of his leftover money as spent on unneccessary luxuries that could be cut down, but he just doesn't want to! I suppose as suggested I need to get him to focus on saving for things he really wants.

Surely if he is paying his bills and even putting a bit away towards savings, what he does with his disposable income is his business? What might be unecessary luxuries to you might be what makes him happy. Some people like the fact that they spend without having to think/plan/say no to something just because they should. Others gets a kick from doing the above and then having money to save or to spend on specific few items.

I think that as long as he does what you've agreed, ie. pay towards bill and put away some savings, whatever you suggest he does with his agreed disposable income will be seen as controlling.

How to encourage partner to become a MSE??

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