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    • safehouse
    • By safehouse 25th May 15, 7:13 PM
    • 708Posts
    • 2,045Thanks
    safehouse
    one day at a time
    • #1
    • 25th May 15, 7:13 PM
    one day at a time 25th May 15 at 7:13 PM
    I am a 48 year old mother of one DS, I have a mortgage of 100,000 on my little bungalow and a few other debts CC etc of approx 5,000 or less..................
    We have a wonderful DS. We have a quite successful business (for now anyway)………
    My OH is a functioning alcoholic, (there I said it), too look at him you would never know, and probably never believe it. When sober there isn't a better man walking, he is a hard worker, kind, considerate and a fantastic father. When he drinks, which is most evenings he can be all of the opposite. Don't get me wrong we do sometimes still have good days, especially when OH is on the wagon, but many more bad than good....
    I have been trying now for years to help my OH with his problem, his health has suffered but he refuses to stop. Xmas 2015 gave me the strength to take a massive step backwards, I am exhausted with it him mentally and physically, not to mention the affect this was having on my DS.
    OH can only help himself, it is not my duty and it has taken me a long time for me to accept this, but I finally have................I am now putting myself and my rock my DS first.
    Future protection in mind, I have been saving without his knowledge now for roughly 10 years scrimping with the intention of paying off our mortgage "My life the last 10 years have given me a terrible fear of being homeless to the point of constant nightmares".....To my amazement I have managed to secretly save £63,550 to date....(69,140 updated 19th November 2016)
    These are my reasons for wanting to pay my mortgage off as quickly as possible, I have no idea how long my OH will manage to carryon working or how much longer before our little business will crumble or how long the relationship will take the strain, I just know by focusing on saving for our future and my little house I get back a sense of control which helps get me through each week.
    I also have a diary to help keep me in check when tempted to spend and a place to throw out my emotions when I feel like I am falling backwards…………………


    DS 270…. CC 3,950 …. Mortgage £100,000 /£63,550/72,420 paid £36,450/27,580 remaining….Xmas Hols £0
    Last edited by safehouse; 03-05-2017 at 8:33 PM.
Page 47
    • please-let-me-be-lucky
    • By please-let-me-be-lucky 10th Sep 17, 7:40 AM
    • 8,344 Posts
    • 46,776 Thanks
    please-let-me-be-lucky
    Echoing what everyone else has said and sending massive hugs. It is YOUR time now (and DS's) and it seems perfectly reasonable to have left OH over this as he has made no effort to change.

    Focus on the 'Good' part of your list above, and I know it's hard, but please try to eat and take care of you Xx
    Debts @ LBM £23,729.31. Debts @ 08/04/2016 £0

    NSDs achieved in November 2/5
    Lbs lost 14.5/107.
    • Eager_Elephant
    • By Eager_Elephant 10th Sep 17, 8:23 AM
    • 4,085 Posts
    • 22,518 Thanks
    Eager_Elephant
    ((safehouse and DS))

    So sorry that OH has been a knoob.

    I'm so pleased to read that you asked him to leave after this happened - its a shame that this is not his rock bottom.

    Hope your son gets on well with Uni and this does not derail this.
    Ninja Saving Turtle No. 15 for November
    NSD - 1/15
    (up to 01/11/17)
    My Diary is here - http://forums.moneysavingexpert.com/showthread.php?t=2175629 (Eager Elephants Effective Everyday Excursion)
    • safehouse
    • By safehouse 16th Sep 17, 9:47 AM
    • 708 Posts
    • 2,045 Thanks
    safehouse
    Hello everyone thankyou for you kind words of support...............
    OH disqualified from driving 3 yrs reduced to 2 years if he does some kind of alcohol related course. Ooh and £500 fine (got off quite lightly I thought).
    I still refuse to let him move back in and he is looking at flats or said he would, but then he says lots of things. He comes round everyday and is being the usual pain in the a*se drinking, not working, not contributed 4 weeks now?.
    Have been in touch with mortgage company regarding paying him off by taking around 35k equity from my savings,(which he will probably drink!) and removing his name from the joint mortgage. This will leave me with around £35k from my savings to pay off the mortgage but they say I don't make enough income with my cleaning job to pay the remaining mortgage of 65k on my own and because my vintage bag selling has just got off the ground they will not take that income into consideration.
    Looks like the years of waking up in a sweat those bad dreams constantly losing my house are finally going to come true....I will have to sell. All my scrimping and saving to pay off the mortgage blown to pieces by one selfish man.
    Does anyone know anything about a declaration of trust and if this might help......whereas he could agree in exchange for me paying him off to not pursue any part of the equity in the house in the future or move back in without my consent (I think he will just move back in, I cant stop him, the house is half his after-all)....would this declaration be legally binding?
    I know I am grasping at straws, my head is everywhere at the moment and I cant think straight....really I should look into some professional financial advice.
    Something good has to come out of this mess he has caused.
    Ending on a good note, DS university day went marvelous....he even made a few friends, he looked so happy........
    Hope you all have a lovely weekend xx
    Last edited by safehouse; 16-09-2017 at 10:36 AM.
    • fern44
    • By fern44 16th Sep 17, 9:57 AM
    • 54 Posts
    • 208 Thanks
    fern44
    long time lurker followed you from day one
    try a different mortgage broker
    good luck
    • Flying By
    • By Flying By 16th Sep 17, 10:42 AM
    • 11 Posts
    • 66 Thanks
    Flying By
    Dear Safehouse, just a quick note - so pleased to hear DS had a good day at university and hope he continues to settle in well. Am sure it will be so good for him. For what it's worth, if I were you I would make an appointment with a solicitor to find out what your options are. There are many out there who specialise in the sort of breakdown in relationship which you are going through and they should be able to advise you on your next step/give you options etc. I think quite a few legal firms will give you the first session with them for free. Thinking of you.
    • TallGirl
    • By TallGirl 16th Sep 17, 1:36 PM
    • 4,194 Posts
    • 8,665 Thanks
    TallGirl
    Dear Safehouse not surprised by the fine or ban that's probably it for him working again as you said really sad he's blown it. I would also definitely advice seeing a solicitor free 15 min then aks how much. There's citizens advice they have lots of information too. What about a broker would they be able to get you a mortgage? Do you have a parent/brother/sister who would go in with you or lend you the money it doesn't seem that much left. Would mortgage company let you take in a lodger and add that income on the affordability calculation?

    You need legal advice as he could just move back in and he might not agree to sell house or make it very difficult for you to sell it. Would be nice if you could just move on and the house was yours I think that would make you feel a lot safer.

    Keep us posted we're here if you need us thinking of you
    Save £12k in 17 no 93 £9750/£12k Pay off wasted money £2400/£10k
    • safehouse
    • By safehouse 16th Sep 17, 5:11 PM
    • 708 Posts
    • 2,045 Thanks
    safehouse
    Thanks for the advice and good wishes everyone. will give Citizens advice a ring on Monday.....
    I have just read my first post here "one day at a time" my gosh those worries and predictions in that post made my stomach turn.......
    This is what I wrote:
    "These are my reasons for wanting to pay my mortgage off as quickly as possible, I have no idea how long my OH will manage to carryon working or how much longer before our little business will crumble or how long the relationship will take the strain, I just know by focusing on saving for our future and my little house I get back a sense of control which helps get me through each week"
    Wrote May 25th 2015 surprised everything didn't fall apart sooner really.
    Oh well time to take my little doggy for a nice walk, before the next rain shower ....xx
    • Eager_Elephant
    • By Eager_Elephant 16th Sep 17, 8:23 PM
    • 4,085 Posts
    • 22,518 Thanks
    Eager_Elephant
    I'm so sorry to read that you are worried about your little house.

    Have a read about occupation orders - I think this might be what you need for now, it would be valid for a year and would give you a chance to get your head round everything. It would also stop him moving back in.

    It might also be worth speaking to Womens Aid, they don't only deal with people who have experienced physical domestic violence, they do all types of DV. They might be able to give some advice as well.

    I would be looking for a good Housing Law solicitor who also has a colleague who can do divorces as it sounds like you will need the latter before too long.

    If you are in East Anglia I can recommend someone who does a free half an hour.

    I don't want to disrespect CAB but be careful with their advice, the first people you would see are general advisors who know a little about lots of subjects and they may not have someone specialised in housing and divorce.
    As your house is potentially at risk I think it would be worth paying a solicitor from the outset (after the free half an hour) to make sure you have covered all bases.
    It wont be long before he has also got legal advice and you need to be one step ahead of him.
    Ninja Saving Turtle No. 15 for November
    NSD - 1/15
    (up to 01/11/17)
    My Diary is here - http://forums.moneysavingexpert.com/showthread.php?t=2175629 (Eager Elephants Effective Everyday Excursion)
    • Skinnylatte
    • By Skinnylatte 17th Sep 17, 3:19 PM
    • 1,101 Posts
    • 4,617 Thanks
    Skinnylatte
    Ditto what everyone else said, ask around for solicitor recommendations, then get your free 30 minutes or however long it is you get with them. You absolutely need some professional advice. Eager_elephant sounds very wise! But there's no rush to pay him off, it takes as long as it takes.
    Citizens advice take forever, so don't hold your breath there
    Chin up
    Mortgage @ 12/04/2015 £136121 £120,525 11.45% DI £9.13 £6.48
    Mortgage free day 06/03/33 07/12/2032
    Emergency/Offset Account £
    3365/£6000
    CC Balance £6100
    £3690 Paid 39.5%
    1st LBM 02/06/2013 £21595 Debt Free Day 27/03/2015


    • please-let-me-be-lucky
    • By please-let-me-be-lucky 17th Sep 17, 3:23 PM
    • 8,344 Posts
    • 46,776 Thanks
    please-let-me-be-lucky
    Just dropping off some hugs. Stay strong Xx
    Debts @ LBM £23,729.31. Debts @ 08/04/2016 £0

    NSDs achieved in November 2/5
    Lbs lost 14.5/107.
    • Seasidegal58
    • By Seasidegal58 17th Sep 17, 4:43 PM
    • 1,084 Posts
    • 5,928 Thanks
    Seasidegal58
    I read through your diary yesterday safehouse and had to post to give you my best wishes and virtual support going forward. You have had to put up with so much and have kept strong throughout for both you and your son.

    I can't think of anything else to add to the wonderful advice proffered by the other posters but can only say the time is now right to cut this human deadweight from your life for once and for all.

    I'm so pleased that things are on the up though for your son - it was awful to read of the bullying he had to go through.

    SSG x
    Finally Debt Free! - July 2016
    Finished Emergency Fund- £10,000 April 2017

    Next Scrimpy Goal - Save for New Kitchen!
    My debt free diary - " Paid off the £31,000 - BUT still scrimping!"
    • TallGirl
    • By TallGirl 27th Sep 17, 8:44 PM
    • 4,194 Posts
    • 8,665 Thanks
    TallGirl
    Hope everything is ok?
    • Skinnylatte
    • By Skinnylatte 27th Sep 17, 10:27 PM
    • 1,101 Posts
    • 4,617 Thanks
    Skinnylatte
    Hope everything is ok?
    Originally posted by TallGirl
    Me too, hope all is quiet xx
    Mortgage @ 12/04/2015 £136121 £120,525 11.45% DI £9.13 £6.48
    Mortgage free day 06/03/33 07/12/2032
    Emergency/Offset Account £
    3365/£6000
    CC Balance £6100
    £3690 Paid 39.5%
    1st LBM 02/06/2013 £21595 Debt Free Day 27/03/2015


    • safehouse
    • By safehouse 29th Sep 17, 6:05 PM
    • 708 Posts
    • 2,045 Thanks
    safehouse
    Hello everyone xx
    Wow so much kindness and support on this site Thankyou so much x

    Not sure were to start........
    OH still not moved back in staying with a friend after his mother kicked him out.
    Still playing the victim and moaning to anyone prepared to listen to him.
    Van repaired but he still not going to work most days (he needs a driver so now has the perfect excuse) oh and yes he is still drinking.
    He has an appointment to look at a flat next week...........problem is its only around the corner from myself and DS....still as long as he doesn't move back in with me, I would settle for that right now.
    House getting valued on Friday next week and put up for sale as soon as (not sure how I feel about that, wont allow myself to think about it to much).
    Still sorting out letters and throwing out clutter and wrapping up ornaments, picture frames etc so my head knows I am moving out but my heart wants me to stay.
    Not told OH I am putting house up for sale, but then haven't told anyone....feels strange like its not me but me looking from the outside and watching someone else do all these things...........
    Cant sleep in the bedroom even with him gone....have slept on the sofa for roughly 6 years now due to his problem and getting into a bed felt to weird.
    There are days when I feel like I am drowning and then there are days when I feel yes I am moving on and things are going to be so much better.
    Today I am having a bad day.... blubbering and totally getting on my own nerves. My poor dog keeps looking at me like I have lost the plot Lol.
    Upside I am down to my perfect body weight Lol size 12 clothes are actually loose on me.
    DS has been my absolute rock, he has stepped up to being the man of the house and bless keeps following and sitting around me (keep having to tell him to go out or play on his video games). Its not easy having to put on a brave face to him and my beautiful DMama when all I want to do is scream my bl@@dy head off.
    I know deep down that things will get easier, its the fear of change and the unknown that I cant seem to handle, but I will get there I promise.
    Will try and update lots sooner, hope I am not getting on everyone's nerves....Oh no here's that moaning woman again HaHa...... but truly does really help me to throw all my emotions.
    Hope all you lovely people have a lovely weekend....God Bless x
    Last edited by safehouse; 29-09-2017 at 6:08 PM.
    • maddiemay
    • By maddiemay 29th Sep 17, 6:28 PM
    • 3,171 Posts
    • 27,878 Thanks
    maddiemay
    Just catching up after a while without internet, sending you lots of hugs and positive vibes. You are continuing to go through turbulent times, but it will all get better and you and DS will be happy.
    Take care.
    MM xx
    • please-let-me-be-lucky
    • By please-let-me-be-lucky 29th Sep 17, 7:58 PM
    • 8,344 Posts
    • 46,776 Thanks
    please-let-me-be-lucky
    Sending hugs and support Xx
    Debts @ LBM £23,729.31. Debts @ 08/04/2016 £0

    NSDs achieved in November 2/5
    Lbs lost 14.5/107.
    • TallGirl
    • By TallGirl 29th Sep 17, 11:01 PM
    • 4,194 Posts
    • 8,665 Thanks
    TallGirl
    Hugs I'm glad you've stayed strong and he's finding a new place to live poss the right thing to do selling it will be hard but you'll be able to choose where you go next and DS is right behind you which is great good on him I knew he would be fine and support you.

    I hope he agrees to sell I presume he wants the money and you can both move on. I'm sure you'll be able to make a home anywhere as you'll have your DS and your lovely doggy. You might have to move into rented until your find your perfect place but keep at it and I'm sure one will come along.

    I know you things are hard but trust me you'll get there and soon you'll see that being without that lovely home is worth it for th peace of mind and hopefully a nice place with lots of peace and no walking on egg shells. Take care thanks for the update
    Save £12k in 17 no 93 £9750/£12k Pay off wasted money £2400/£10k
    • DrSpendLittle
    • By DrSpendLittle 2nd Oct 17, 12:18 PM
    • 176 Posts
    • 614 Thanks
    DrSpendLittle
    Just catching up. Sending hugs. My dad was an alcoholic and so I can empathise completely with your situation. However, I didn’t really ever know what my mum went through during that time, as she gracefully and admirably tried to keep everything ‘normal’ for us kids. You sound like you’re doing the same. Your diary gives me some insight into the situation from the mothers perspective and I just wanted to say thanks, however crass it may sound, for making me realise how important us kids were to my mum in helping her get through the challenges. By sharing your story, I’m now able to better appreciate that and I wanted to thank you.

    As the child of an alcoholic, I wouldn’t change my upbringing for the world. It has given a particular set of life skills that have enabled me to achieve everything I have. It’s also given me the greatest respect, love and admiration for my mother that I am spiritually capable of holding. She got us through it and enabled us to come out the other end successfully (okay, maybe not in terms of money management!!!). Sure, I’ve had tough times getting to this point and it’s taken me time to arrive at this peaceful position but I got here and I genuinely couldn’t be any more content with my life, despite the childhood experiences I endured. Well, maybe except for being debt free!!

    My dad did the same as your husband but was banned from driving 3 times. He nearly got put in jail the last time but the judge must have been feeling lenient that day. My parents eventually divorced, which I was glad about as my mum deserved a better life and my father was clearly never going to change.

    It took me time and maturity to realise that my dad was ill and battling a disease and demons. I never hated him but I did got through the phase of blaming myself for his illness, which is very common in children of alcoholics. However, I learned to empathise with his situation overtime, once my own self esteem grew and was less contingent on my childhood experiences.

    Anyway, I just wanted to pass on my best wishes and my admiration of how resilient and strong you have clearly been through all this.
    Since 1st September 2017
    CC1: £paid off/£1,253.73 | CC2: £800/£9,124.15 | CC3: £paid off/£312.34 | Car Finance: £473.73/£1,894.92
    Total CC Repayments: £2,366.07/£10,690.22 (22.13%) | Total Debt Repayments: £2,839.80/£12,585.14 (22.56%)
    • Skinnylatte
    • By Skinnylatte 2nd Oct 17, 10:50 PM
    • 1,101 Posts
    • 4,617 Thanks
    Skinnylatte
    What an insightful post DrSpendLittle xx

    I hope you've had a few better days since your last post SH, you brave lady, thoughts are with you and DS xxx
    Mortgage @ 12/04/2015 £136121 £120,525 11.45% DI £9.13 £6.48
    Mortgage free day 06/03/33 07/12/2032
    Emergency/Offset Account £
    3365/£6000
    CC Balance £6100
    £3690 Paid 39.5%
    1st LBM 02/06/2013 £21595 Debt Free Day 27/03/2015


    • Cumbria lass
    • By Cumbria lass 13th Oct 17, 7:46 AM
    • 789 Posts
    • 3,804 Thanks
    Cumbria lass
    Hi Safehouse,

    Was doing something work related that made me think of you . Hope you are ok ?
    Nov 2017 CC1 £3329 CC2 £600

    Debt Free Nov 2019: earlier if I have my way
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