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  • FIRST POST
    • safehouse
    • By safehouse 25th May 15, 7:13 PM
    • 703Posts
    • 1,901Thanks
    safehouse
    one day at a time
    • #1
    • 25th May 15, 7:13 PM
    one day at a time 25th May 15 at 7:13 PM
    I am a 48 year old mother of one DS, I have a mortgage of 100,000 on my little bungalow and a few other debts CC etc of approx 5,000 or less..................
    We have a wonderful DS. We have a quite successful business (for now anyway)………
    My OH is a functioning alcoholic, (there I said it), too look at him you would never know, and probably never believe it. When sober there isn't a better man walking, he is a hard worker, kind, considerate and a fantastic father. When he drinks, which is most evenings he can be all of the opposite. Don't get me wrong we do sometimes still have good days, especially when OH is on the wagon, but many more bad than good....
    I have been trying now for years to help my OH with his problem, his health has suffered but he refuses to stop. Xmas 2015 gave me the strength to take a massive step backwards, I am exhausted with it him mentally and physically, not to mention the affect this was having on my DS.
    OH can only help himself, it is not my duty and it has taken me a long time for me to accept this, but I finally have................I am now putting myself and my rock my DS first.
    Future protection in mind, I have been saving without his knowledge now for roughly 10 years scrimping with the intention of paying off our mortgage "My life the last 10 years have given me a terrible fear of being homeless to the point of constant nightmares".....To my amazement I have managed to secretly save £63,550 to date....(69,140 updated 19th November 2016)
    These are my reasons for wanting to pay my mortgage off as quickly as possible, I have no idea how long my OH will manage to carryon working or how much longer before our little business will crumble or how long the relationship will take the strain, I just know by focusing on saving for our future and my little house I get back a sense of control which helps get me through each week.
    I also have a diary to help keep me in check when tempted to spend and a place to throw out my emotions when I feel like I am falling backwards…………………


    DS 270…. CC 3,950 …. Mortgage £100,000 /£63,550/72,420 paid £36,450/27,580 remaining….Xmas Hols £0
    Last edited by safehouse; 03-05-2017 at 8:33 PM.
Page 47
    • please-let-me-be-lucky
    • By please-let-me-be-lucky 10th Sep 17, 7:40 AM
    • 8,139 Posts
    • 44,996 Thanks
    please-let-me-be-lucky
    Echoing what everyone else has said and sending massive hugs. It is YOUR time now (and DS's) and it seems perfectly reasonable to have left OH over this as he has made no effort to change.

    Focus on the 'Good' part of your list above, and I know it's hard, but please try to eat and take care of you Xx
    Debts @ LBM £23,729.31. Debts @ 08/04/2016 £0

    NSDs achieved in September- 2/5
    Lbs lost 0/107.
    • Eager_Elephant
    • By Eager_Elephant 10th Sep 17, 8:23 AM
    • 4,079 Posts
    • 21,890 Thanks
    Eager_Elephant
    ((safehouse and DS))

    So sorry that OH has been a knoob.

    I'm so pleased to read that you asked him to leave after this happened - its a shame that this is not his rock bottom.

    Hope your son gets on well with Uni and this does not derail this.
    Ninja Saving Turtle No. 20 for August
    NSD - 0/18
    (up to 01/09/17)
    My Diary is here - http://forums.moneysavingexpert.com/showthread.php?t=2175629 (Eager Elephants Effective Everyday Excursion)
    • safehouse
    • By safehouse 16th Sep 17, 9:47 AM
    • 703 Posts
    • 1,901 Thanks
    safehouse
    Hello everyone thankyou for you kind words of support...............
    OH disqualified from driving 3 yrs reduced to 2 years if he does some kind of alcohol related course. Ooh and £500 fine (got off quite lightly I thought).
    I still refuse to let him move back in and he is looking at flats or said he would, but then he says lots of things. He comes round everyday and is being the usual pain in the a*se drinking, not working, not contributed 4 weeks now?.
    Have been in touch with mortgage company regarding paying him off by taking around 35k equity from my savings,(which he will probably drink!) and removing his name from the joint mortgage. This will leave me with around £35k from my savings to pay off the mortgage but they say I don't make enough income with my cleaning job to pay the remaining mortgage of 65k on my own and because my vintage bag selling has just got off the ground they will not take that income into consideration.
    Looks like the years of waking up in a sweat those bad dreams constantly losing my house are finally going to come true....I will have to sell. All my scrimping and saving to pay off the mortgage blown to pieces by one selfish man.
    Does anyone know anything about a declaration of trust and if this might help......whereas he could agree in exchange for me paying him off to not pursue any part of the equity in the house in the future or move back in without my consent (I think he will just move back in, I cant stop him, the house is half his after-all)....would this declaration be legally binding?
    I know I am grasping at straws, my head is everywhere at the moment and I cant think straight....really I should look into some professional financial advice.
    Something good has to come out of this mess he has caused.
    Ending on a good note, DS university day went marvelous....he even made a few friends, he looked so happy........
    Hope you all have a lovely weekend xx
    Last edited by safehouse; 16-09-2017 at 10:36 AM.
    • fern44
    • By fern44 16th Sep 17, 9:57 AM
    • 54 Posts
    • 207 Thanks
    fern44
    long time lurker followed you from day one
    try a different mortgage broker
    good luck
    • Flying By
    • By Flying By 16th Sep 17, 10:42 AM
    • 10 Posts
    • 57 Thanks
    Flying By
    Dear Safehouse, just a quick note - so pleased to hear DS had a good day at university and hope he continues to settle in well. Am sure it will be so good for him. For what it's worth, if I were you I would make an appointment with a solicitor to find out what your options are. There are many out there who specialise in the sort of breakdown in relationship which you are going through and they should be able to advise you on your next step/give you options etc. I think quite a few legal firms will give you the first session with them for free. Thinking of you.
    • TallGirl
    • By TallGirl 16th Sep 17, 1:36 PM
    • 4,140 Posts
    • 8,579 Thanks
    TallGirl
    Dear Safehouse not surprised by the fine or ban that's probably it for him working again as you said really sad he's blown it. I would also definitely advice seeing a solicitor free 15 min then aks how much. There's citizens advice they have lots of information too. What about a broker would they be able to get you a mortgage? Do you have a parent/brother/sister who would go in with you or lend you the money it doesn't seem that much left. Would mortgage company let you take in a lodger and add that income on the affordability calculation?

    You need legal advice as he could just move back in and he might not agree to sell house or make it very difficult for you to sell it. Would be nice if you could just move on and the house was yours I think that would make you feel a lot safer.

    Keep us posted we're here if you need us thinking of you
    Save £12k in 17 no 93
    £7750/£12k
    Pay off wasted money £1465/£10k updated Sep 17
    • safehouse
    • By safehouse 16th Sep 17, 5:11 PM
    • 703 Posts
    • 1,901 Thanks
    safehouse
    Thanks for the advice and good wishes everyone. will give Citizens advice a ring on Monday.....
    I have just read my first post here "one day at a time" my gosh those worries and predictions in that post made my stomach turn.......
    This is what I wrote:
    "These are my reasons for wanting to pay my mortgage off as quickly as possible, I have no idea how long my OH will manage to carryon working or how much longer before our little business will crumble or how long the relationship will take the strain, I just know by focusing on saving for our future and my little house I get back a sense of control which helps get me through each week"
    Wrote May 25th 2015 surprised everything didn't fall apart sooner really.
    Oh well time to take my little doggy for a nice walk, before the next rain shower ....xx
    • Eager_Elephant
    • By Eager_Elephant 16th Sep 17, 8:23 PM
    • 4,079 Posts
    • 21,890 Thanks
    Eager_Elephant
    I'm so sorry to read that you are worried about your little house.

    Have a read about occupation orders - I think this might be what you need for now, it would be valid for a year and would give you a chance to get your head round everything. It would also stop him moving back in.

    It might also be worth speaking to Womens Aid, they don't only deal with people who have experienced physical domestic violence, they do all types of DV. They might be able to give some advice as well.

    I would be looking for a good Housing Law solicitor who also has a colleague who can do divorces as it sounds like you will need the latter before too long.

    If you are in East Anglia I can recommend someone who does a free half an hour.

    I don't want to disrespect CAB but be careful with their advice, the first people you would see are general advisors who know a little about lots of subjects and they may not have someone specialised in housing and divorce.
    As your house is potentially at risk I think it would be worth paying a solicitor from the outset (after the free half an hour) to make sure you have covered all bases.
    It wont be long before he has also got legal advice and you need to be one step ahead of him.
    Ninja Saving Turtle No. 20 for August
    NSD - 0/18
    (up to 01/09/17)
    My Diary is here - http://forums.moneysavingexpert.com/showthread.php?t=2175629 (Eager Elephants Effective Everyday Excursion)
    • Skinnylatte
    • By Skinnylatte 17th Sep 17, 3:19 PM
    • 1,084 Posts
    • 4,495 Thanks
    Skinnylatte
    Ditto what everyone else said, ask around for solicitor recommendations, then get your free 30 minutes or however long it is you get with them. You absolutely need some professional advice. Eager_elephant sounds very wise! But there's no rush to pay him off, it takes as long as it takes.
    Citizens advice take forever, so don't hold your breath there
    Chin up
    Mortgage @ 12/04/2015 £136121 £121927 10.43% DI £9.13 £6.58
    Mortgage free day 06/03/33 06/11/32
    Emergency/Offset Account £
    0/£6000 0%
    CC Balance £6100
    £3778 Paid 38%
    1st LBM 02/06/2013 £21595 Debt Free Day 27/03/2015


    • please-let-me-be-lucky
    • By please-let-me-be-lucky 17th Sep 17, 3:23 PM
    • 8,139 Posts
    • 44,996 Thanks
    please-let-me-be-lucky
    Just dropping off some hugs. Stay strong Xx
    Debts @ LBM £23,729.31. Debts @ 08/04/2016 £0

    NSDs achieved in September- 2/5
    Lbs lost 0/107.
    • Seasidegal58
    • By Seasidegal58 17th Sep 17, 4:43 PM
    • 776 Posts
    • 3,999 Thanks
    Seasidegal58
    I read through your diary yesterday safehouse and had to post to give you my best wishes and virtual support going forward. You have had to put up with so much and have kept strong throughout for both you and your son.

    I can't think of anything else to add to the wonderful advice proffered by the other posters but can only say the time is now right to cut this human deadweight from your life for once and for all.

    I'm so pleased that things are on the up though for your son - it was awful to read of the bullying he had to go through.

    SSG x
    Finally Debt Free! - July 2016
    Finished Emergency Fund- £10,000 April 2017

    Next Scrimpy Goal - Save for New Kitchen!
    My debt free diary - " Paid off the £31,000 - BUT still scrimping!"
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