Coping With Cancer

Mrs_Optimist · 2 July 2014 at 1:07PM

As the title says. My Father-in-Law has been diagnosed with terminal lung cancer and I am really struggling to come to terms with it. I am usually a head strong, sensible person but I seem to have fallen to pieces over this. I have noticed myself that I have changed in some way since his diagnosis.

I have already seen my own GP about anxiety that I may have it, since he was diagnosed - stupid I know - but he was displaying no symptoms until his diagnosis and only now he has had his first session of chemo (it is inoperable) has he suddenly looked ill. His prognosis is bleak -18 months if the chemo helps - if he is lucky.

My DH and I are in a permanent state of anxiety, I know that we can't cure him, but I have been very lucky in my life I suppose that I have had no first hand experience of this awful disease so simply don't know what to expect, or how I can help him. I am carrying on as normal around him as gloominess wont help I am sure.

If anyone has any experience of this I would be so grateful

Person_one · 2 July 2014 at 1:12PM

I'm posting quickly as I only have a minute, but have a look here: http://www.roycastle.org/how-we-can-help/Lung-Cancer-Support-Groups/find-a-local-support-groups.htm

Or at the Macmillan website.

If you ever just want to talk and have a sympathetic ear listen there's always the Samaritans on 08457 90 90 90

Aunty-Pickle · 2 July 2014 at 1:13PM

Aw, I'm so sorry.

I don't have personal experience of your situation but I do work (admin) with Macmillan nurses. Hopefully he will be assigned a Macmillan nurse - maybe even one who can visit him in his own home (depends on the area I'm afraid in terms of resources/availability).

I know for our patients, their relatives are entitled to free counselling and complementary therapies (reflexology etc). The only "issue" being that a referral has to be made for your FIL and you (and your DH) mentioned on it. So it will be worth finding out if he has been referred to a Community Macmillan Nurse.

0808 808 00 00 is the Macmillan helpline (Mon-Fri 9am - 8pm) - you can ask them any questions, or if you just want to offload..

They also have a wide range of leaflets and information booklets which may help to answer any general queries you might have about your FIL.

Hope that helps and big hugs for you all x

Indie_Kid · 2 July 2014 at 1:14PM

Very sorry to hear this.

My Granddad's situation was similar. He requested that we don't make a fuss and he hated being asked how he was. Which was a bit difficult because it's what I'd normally ask people.

Have you contacted Macmillan? I do believe they can help relatives of people with cancer.

Mrs_Optimist · 2 July 2014 at 1:28PM

Thank you for such quick responses. I know he has seen a MacMillan nurse but only the once - he hasn't seen her since. I have read so much on the internet but it is such doom & gloom.

I have spoken with his cancer nurse at the hospital who was helpful with regard what to expect with his initial chemo treatment. I have such a mixture of emotions - I don't want him to suffer - and I hope the end when it comes is quick - and I know that makes me seem awful, as I am trying to be positive for him but it is difficult when the prognosis is bleak.

I have such a mixture of emotions - not sure what to expect, how long he will go on, when he will have his next MRI (after all 4 treatments or mid-way). he has already said that he wont be having any more chemo after this course is finished - he will just "pop a pill" so I am worrying about who will find him.

Aarrghh!

I am in a real mess.

Mrs_Optimist · 2 July 2014 at 1:34PM

It is worse in some ways as he is only mid 60's, always been strong independent, lives alone (his choice) and not used to anyone fussing over him. he has Sons but I am the only Daughter-In-Law so I take over the "daughter" role.

Our children are 13 & 16 and know the situation but not the timescales. I don't know how I can possibly prepare them for the end.

I am having genuine heart palpitations just stressing about it all.

Aunty-Pickle · 2 July 2014 at 1:35PM

If you want to PM me your address then I can pick up lots of information leaflets and things for you in work tomorrow and post them to you.

Don't worry if you don't want to - I won't be offended! Just thought I would offer.

Big hugs x

kitty_kins · 2 July 2014 at 1:38PM

I have lost both my uncle and my grandfather to cancer, so firstly - I am so sorry to hear this terrible news.

I know that uncle/grandfather is not the same as Father-in-Law but I found that doing charity work for Cancer Research and Macmillan has really helped me cope. My uncle never saw the work I've done in his name (Race for Life and countless Macmillan coffee mornings!) but my Granddad was very supportive as he didn't feel they were "making a fuss" of him, but working so others don't have to go through this in future.

I hope this helps a little

xxxx

scooby088 · 2 July 2014 at 2:20PM

I would say start creating some happy memories between hospital appointments just be there for him, even though you have the diagnosis and are accepting of it, you never really are prepared for the worst when it happens. Do talk to macmillan as they do deal with families affected by the cancer diagnosis.

All I can really advise is just be there for him, and dont keep asking how he is as he will not want to be reminded of it.

steevi · 2 July 2014 at 3:01PM

This sounds quite similar to my current situation, except it's my 56 year old dad. He, too, never had any symptoms and then suddenly he was diagnosed with terminal lung cancer (non-small cell, stage four) in March after an allergic reaction to a steroid given for his bowels! It is inoperable and incurable, so he has opted for chemo.

We've struggled to pin down anybody with regards to timescales, all we've been told is "months", as opposed to "days", "weeks" or "years". He's had one course of chemotherapy already and it's made him very ill - he now has a cough and struggles to get out of bed most days. He went for a review and scan after the first lot of 3x 3 week treatments, and they have said that the nodules don't appear to have grown, but the prognosis hasn't changed. He therefore has agreed to undergo another course, but leaving it four weeks between doses so he at least has a week or so of feeling "OK".

I'm terrified of losing my dad. I live 200 miles away from my parents so find it difficult, I just try and get down to visit whenever I can.

I don't really have much advice except you do, eventually, accept it and just keep trucking. My dad's got a sick sense of humour and keeps joking about it, but I don't know how long it'll last before it all becomes a bit more real and scary.

Feel free to message me should you ever want to chat.

DUKE · 2 July 2014 at 3:22PM

I'm really sorry to hear about your FIL Mrs Optimist. MY Dad died from lung cancer at the age of 56 many years ago so I can understand what you're going through. Also I've had cancer myself 4 times but I'm OK. Do speak to Macmillan on the phone, both Macmillan & Cancer Research have really good supportive forums. All you can really do is just be there for you FIL. If you need to talk I'm here, I'll be thinking of you & your family xxx

Coping With Cancer

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