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  • FIRST POST
    loveasale
    What a mess:-(
    • #1
    • 14th Nov 12, 8:18 AM
    What a mess:-( 14th Nov 12 at 8:18 AM
    Hi all, I've been lurking here for ages, wrote a huge post yesterday ( on wrong forum ) !
    Basically it's all gone wrong for me
    I used to very confident , strong , able wife and mother , but my whole life is slipping away.
    Been with OH for 20 yrs have 2 sons 16 & 14
    Work part time OH works full time
    We've always had money ups & downs ( like most )
    Me & OH always been strong , but a horrid string of events have turned our life (well mine ) upside down.
    In the last 3 months we've had to deal with so much going wrong, some just life , others just bad written luck..
    OH lazer eye correction failed
    Family death
    Son got into trouble
    OH work cut overtime
    OH work announce redundancies
    Cat has to have surgery
    OH is poorly
    Roof leaks
    Blah,,,blah,,,,
    Then I have a serious car crash,
    I really thought it may bring us closer, but in fact it's done the oppersite-
    OH has been very low off and on for years, every now and then he's recognised it and been on anti-depressants , other times its been me 'holding him' up. But tbh I'm exhausted, I can't hold them all any more and after my crash tried to tell OH and he slapped back to me that he would move out
    It turns out he's 2500 OD
    We are not rich , but I can't see how it's got to this, I'm very careful with money ( I learnt the hard way a few years ago ) he enjoys a few hobbies that cost.
    I'm deverstated
    I now have rebuild my life, my finances, my sons all on a part time wage-
    I love my sons very much and I tell them both every day, they are good kids, but OH is very hard on them, and I've noticed we've lost friend because of his behaviour round our sons.
    At the moment my main debt is the mortgage , it's 120,000 house is worth 150,000 . It's interest only, I've always wanted to do repayment but OH says we don't earn enough,
    I'm good with money - I pay shopping, sons dinner money, clothes and any trips . OOh pays all DDs that come to 900 a month
    I earn about 120 -150 a week .
    I've tried so very hard to keep my family together, I now have to admit defeat
    I was wondering if the surveys really do pay to do?
    I know I need to find more work/ money, I'm not afraid of hard work.
    Any ideas?

    Thank you, sorry dint know who else to turn too!
Page 4
  • loveasale
    hello all,
    sorry not been about much, we have a massive problem wiyh our internet connection, why does everthing go wrong at once???
    well things here have been up and down, i,ve been ok , keeping strong for my boys,
    my EX is still like a stranger to me - why i.ll never know but thats how my life is now.
    im keeping house tidy and being good with money, not yuet thought about xmas yet, thats another problem to come!
    just wish my life was back to the good times
    I will never be rich but I'm happy
  • HeadAboveWater
    Morning!

    Don't think on Christmas shopping as 'another problem'. Think of it as an opportunity so spend a few pounds on the people you love, and watch their faces light up when they open their presents in a few weeks time

    Well done on keeping on top of the house cleaning (tough job!) and watching your money too. Stay focussed
    Wealth is what you're left with when all your money runs out

    FD Target take 2: 3025/3600
    ebay sales 2014: 106.64
  • loveasale
    morning all...
    yesterday was a really UP & DOWN day...
    firstly i had my councilling , it was ok, [ i'm normally the strong one who councils everyone else!] the session was mainly , who i am and why i find myself there- { was orignally booked after my car crash }
    I will go next week and see if i can feel beter inside, in fact i'd try anything !! so all in all that was good.
    Then i had a quick a look on here and someone has done the most lovely thing for me, [ i wont say who or what, ] but i'm really touched that someone has reached out to help a stranger in a time of need !

    then later the EX came over and asked what i had planned for xmas---- I'm normally Mrs Organised ----we normally have big xmas here----but at the moment i cant even thing about tommorow until i've got through today--
    My parents are going to Spain [ they do every year] i said i'd had a invite there [ i sort of had!] He said his parents weren't going anywhere and i was welcome there! [ funny as up to a few weeks ago it was all planned to be here} but i'm not sure as i have not seen them since he left
    He then said I SHOULD go to Spain with kids!! my first thought was why does he not want to see his kids xmas? then , does he want me & kids out of the way? but he said a hloiday would take kids minds off the situation,, well tbh i could not afford to go away so it is not really an option [ pipe dream yes, but not poss] so i asked kids and they said they wanted to be here,
    so thats whats going to happen, not sure if MIL & FIL will come but i said they were welcome,,, should be interesing!
    I will paint on my smile and as always to the outside world be Miss Confident and Miss IN Control... yet inside i', really struggling
    sorry about gramma/ spelling we have internet problems and using a very old PC at the moment,, should have it sorted within 10 days
    I will never be rich but I'm happy
  • loveasale
    Well I have to say I feel very optimistic about the counselling , think I need something to look forward to!
    I also had physiotherapy yesterday , that was a bit painful to begin with but I feel better today .
    I also have a medical next week, theses are all from my car crash, funny but the pains are now nothing compared to the pains in heart
    Going to start doing my Xmas list and see what / who I need to buy,
    Then I'm going to go out with a certain amount of cash and do the lot in one day! If I go out and do it over a few days ill only spend what I don't have so its the best way!
    EX has been round, he's not happy as company he is dealing with his laser eye correction has gone bust and he's paid 1500 and has 2500 on DD , and not sure what's going to happen next !
    I did feel for him, but I know I shouldn't and I must be stronger and distance myself, but my goodness that's really hard !
    I will never be rich but I'm happy
  • loveasale
    Internet all working ok now- get the odd bit of naff connection but my EX says he will move the main point back to where it was in the first place when he gets some phone wire
    I've been so very low today, put the Xmas tree up today, tbh I could of not bothered, (sad as I really love Xmas normally and putting decs up, is a big part of the run up, Santa hat on , Xmas CD and glass of sherry & mince pie!)
    I asked the boys to help and they did do a bit , but it's not the same !
    I had a melt down bit and a cry, first time the boys have seen my tears over Dad leaving
    Apologised to the kids and spoke to them , I hope they understand why I was upset. I'm normally the strong type who copes well , I think that's why I'm struggling so much , as I'm not ' in control' of my life anymore.
    Funny cos if I knew myself I would say 'pull yourself together, he don't want you - so move on' easier said than done- I'm really trying to get over it, I put a smile on and don't let the world know how I'm really feeling!
    I intend to buy my Xmas presents on Tuesday , I've compiled a list and had a root round in my 'boots sale' bits to find a few that I won't have to buy! So I really have cut the list and cost right down
    I should get them all in one day
    And the following week ill get the food sorted- lets face it , it's only a glorified Sunday roast! And as I won't have people staying for 3 days I will only need Xmas dinner to sort out!
    Aldi - here I come!
    I will never be rich but I'm happy
  • loveasale
    Have woken up under the biggest black cloud today
    Didn't sleep well at all, think realisation is starting to set in, from now on this is it, my miserable life
    I feel really lonely, yet I have many friends, when I see people I'm up-beat and don't want to waste time moaning!
    I know I will feel better soon , but this really is a struggle at the moment
    I will never be rich but I'm happy
  • Dumyat
    Didn't want to read and run without saying something.
    A break up is difficult at any time of year, but at a time when you think everyone else is playing happy families its bound to feel even worse. Don't be hard on yourself.
    x x x
  • valk_scot
    IT's a transition time, hun, things will get better as you get more used to being a single parent. And it's a rotten time of year, there's so much pressure on everyone to play Happy Families. But really, for most of the population it doesn't really come naturally and it's only a very few people that have Christmas Day like it is in the adverts, honestly. Don't put so much pressure on yourself, do what you and the boys want on Christmas Day. After all you wouldn't be splitting up if your life and relationship had been "perfect", whatever that is. You'll adjust, just give yourself some time. This time next year you'll be so happy you did this, belive me.
    Val.
  • duchy
    You are still adjusting.

    Is your EX with you for the whole day or have you just invited him to dinner ?

    If you WANT him there for the whole day then fine but if it would be too hard -Tell him -seriously ! He has his own home now -he's a visitor in yours and your needs come above his. It's not like your kids are small-have you asked them how they want Christmas to be? You may be surprised their ideas are different to yours. You might even want to start some new traditions -as it's a smaller Christmas than past years and you don't have to cater for lots of people for three days......small things like if the kids usually go to bed early -let them stay up late and do something you don't usually do...marshmallow toasting , open one gift Christmas Eve -whatever.

    When I was married as my ex's mother was Austrian she always insisted on coming to us Christmas Eve and me cooking a special meal........Our first Christmas apart -it was so liberating to get to do what *I* wanted to do on Christmas Eve .....No that I hadn't enjoyed what we did -but I got to actually choose.

    Small steps -it's early days -This Christmas will have a few tough moments no doubt but then it is New Year and a new start and I promise you by this time next year you will be so much happier and forging on with your new life (and probably wondering why you didn't do it sooner )
    I Would Rather Climb A Mountain Than Crawl Into A Hole

    Apparently having a "Quirky and Hipster" wedding
  • loveasale
    Thank you for the supportive replies...
    I do know I will feel better, for some reason I really miss my EX at the moment, I keep thinking about the good side of him ,who I love, I should always remember the rotten angry side of him!
    I had to have a medical yesterday, to do with my car crash, I had to drive to a city centre , after I still an hour left on car so went for a look round. I really couldn't cope, felt as if I didn't belong, I couldn't wait to get home! (?)
    A friend popped in or a cuppa, I felt a bit better ( she knows the angry side of EX , and not his greatest fan)
    Then I came back down to earth when MIL rang, first time since split and I asked how she was,, she auto replied how was I?,,, when I said 'up & down',, she ignored it and went into plans for Sat as we are going to a panto ( her, kids & me go every year, EX and his dad don't like them )
    I got off phone and sobbed
    I know she is struggling ( she will bury her head and hope it will go away-seen her do this with BIL , who over the years has been a prat to them, despite them being lovely people)
    I know she will support her son . Bloods thicker than water , but I know I will always be the daughter she never had, I think on Sat I will try and let he know I can tell she's not comfortable with situation but I'm here for her,and she adores her grandsons, her other son has kids all over the place , some he sees, others we don't even know exist!
    So I gonna have to put her first on Sat and really be the loving DIL I always have been and hope that she'll understand a bit of how I feel !
    I didn't sleep well again last night. I have today woken up with sore throat, my god , I'm falling apart! I don't do 'illness' I don't have time for it!
    Today I'm going to do Xmas shopping ( presents) I'm going to start in my 'boots sale stash' and them I'm going to our local shopping centre and should get it all done.
    Later today I have counselling , I'm really looking forward to that, I wish I could flick a switch and change my feelings, ( is that a man thing? They seem more black / white- not grey me! )
    Oh we'll enough of me going on,,,I have Xmas stuff to sort out
    I will never be rich but I'm happy
  • HeadAboveWater
    Saturday will be a very tough day for you, but do try to enjoy it. There's nothing 'bad' has happened between you and MIL. You're the daughter she never had. Why let your ex ruin that?

    Talk to your counsellor today and see if they can help you with this weekend. They may be able to get you to look at things in a different light so you look forward to the panto instead of dreading it.

    And unfortunately no, there are no feelings 'switches' for us lay-deez
    Wealth is what you're left with when all your money runs out

    FD Target take 2: 3025/3600
    ebay sales 2014: 106.64
  • loveasale
    Hello all!
    Sorry not kept you all up to date,,, I have a rotten cough and as always it's just not the best time to be poorly as we are soooo busy at work and I'm doing extra hours, ( that's good as extra money is 'doing' Xmas )
    The panto went well, it was really good this year, I spoke to MIL after when kids were out the way, she told me she's devastated and it was suck a shock for her, she said she can't work it out as he still talks about me with affection!
    I know she struggles with this sort of thing so I didn't push it, I just wanted her to know where I 'stand' and my ( and many others ) view on him being depressed - of course I was diplomatic !
    After we went back to hers - my photos are still all over the house
    Wedding photo still on wall
    We then meet EX and FIL for a meal ( they'd been to laser eye appt- EX now has to wait til march now
    Meal went well and really anyone would not know any different!
    He moves into his flat tomorrow and I'm glad for him but I still in my heart wish things were not this way
    But I can't live with the angry moaning and miserable side of him- but I still long for the happy loving side of him !
    Still a mess
    I will never be rich but I'm happy
  • HeadAboveWater
    Thanks for the update! Glad things went well on Saturday and everyone enjoyed themselves.

    It won't be easy but just take one day at a time
    Wealth is what you're left with when all your money runs out

    FD Target take 2: 3025/3600
    ebay sales 2014: 106.64
  • loveasale
    I want to wish you all a very merry Christmas ,
    You all have been so very supportive and kind to me - ( someone very kind , you know who you area, and as you know I am truly grateful )
    I'm sitting here on my own, both boys in bed and I've done the 'stockings'
    Feel very alone - I know this time next year I will look back and laugh . But at the mo can't seem to even smile :-(
    I will never be rich but I'm happy
  • Contessa
    I've just read your thread-I don't know you, and you don't know me, but I wanted to reach out to you. They say the darkest hour is just before dawn.
  • Dumyat
    Merry Christmas to you too. I know it will be a different Christmas this year, but I hope you and your boys have a lovely time. x
    x x x
  • msb5262
    I want to wish you all a very merry Christmas...I'm sitting here on my own, both boys in bed and I've done the 'stockings'
    Feel very alone - I know this time next year I will look back and laugh . But at the mo can't seem to even smile :-(
    Originally posted by loveasale
    Hope your Christmas goes ok, loveasale.
    You have been really brave.
    The next year is going to be exciting and things will improve - here's to 2013!
    MsB
  • pineapple123
    Just read your story and it makes me feel sad however sending you best wishes.
    You may feel lonely but you are not alone.
  • loveasale
    Well that's it!
    I've cooked for them and they have just left. Not sure how I feel , sad angry or even fuming !
    I never have television on Xmas day , bu today it seems to be on 24/ 7 !
    Oh how things have changed!
    I will never be rich but I'm happy
  • loveasale
    Yesterday was all round the inlaws,
    My BIL was down and EX doesn't get on too well with him, he has caused his parents loads of problems over the years , so it was ok , BIL knows ex doesn't approve of him but Inlaws always forgive what ever he does to them!
    I feel a bit strange and I think that it is because I know next year things will be a lot different .
    At times I can't believe my marriage is over and that I will wake up from a bad dream!
    I am working out a couple of goals to set for next year.
    I will post them soon
    I will never be rich but I'm happy
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