We’d like to remind Forumites to please avoid political debate on the Forum.
This is to keep it a safe and useful space for MoneySaving discussions. Threads that are – or become – political in nature may be removed in line with the Forum’s rules. Thank you for your understanding.
📨 Have you signed up to the Forum's new Email Digest yet? Get a selection of trending threads sent straight to your inbox daily, weekly or monthly!
not able to forgive or forget
Comments
-
Wow, your family sounds exactly like mine!
I think you are doing really well considering the stresses you have through.
I have similar issues with my family and I find that it's best for my personal wellbeing if I sometimes just take a deep breath and take a step back from the issues. I don't actually think this solves the actual problems but it helps keep me reasonably sane. I think you should think of yourself as main priority and do what you need to do to feel okay and calm.
Good luck!
It helps to know that others have the same experiences (like any of us are the only ones going through anything eh!)
I have got so stressed in the past that I have had life threatening nose bleeds so for the sake of my health and sanity I will take a step back and mind my own business, thanks for all the advice and sympathy!0 -
can I suggest some personal development to help you manage the way you react to things??
I'm a fan of Tony Robbins but you will find one that works for you - if you get on with it - it will be like a new day for you and you will feel far more in control of situations if you can stop getting angry and tearful.
I can send you some links if this would help?
That would be great thanks hot chick0 -
sending over some links now - take a read, and I hope they help
Let me know x0 -
I haven't had a chance to read through the replies, but I had to reply to say it sounds so much like my up bringing.
Nothing I could put down to exacts, but I was being bullied and taken advantage of.
You have to take the decision to distance yourself from your family. If the cat isn't being looked after and you want to help out, offer to have the cat looked after by you at your place, however, if they refuse, let it go. Dirt doesn't bother a cat, it is getting on, and has been in the house all that time, you just have to let that battle go.
In terms of the interference from your family in general, just don't get involved in their things, and you will then have justification to insist they leave you to your life.
In terms of friends, not all people have masses of friends, a couple of good ones are always nice, and they will come and go through your life, so don't worry about that.
I do have to say though, that throughout my childhood, and early adulthood I felt injustices keenly, to the point it made me ill. In the end mentally as well as physically. Before this happens to you start to let things go.
Speak with your mother that you won't be giving her any money and that she needs to stand on her own two feet. Finish off the loan and put it down to bad experience.
Be pleasant, turn up to the necessary family celebrations, birthdays and if necessary Christmas and then let them get on with their lives and you with yours.
hth0 -
Counting_Pennies wrote: »I haven't had a chance to read through the replies, but I had to reply to say it sounds so much like my up bringing.
Nothing I could put down to exacts, but I was being bullied and taken advantage of.
You have to take the decision to distance yourself from your family. If the cat isn't being looked after and you want to help out, offer to have the cat looked after by you at your place, however, if they refuse, let it go. Dirt doesn't bother a cat, it is getting on, and has been in the house all that time, you just have to let that battle go.
In terms of the interference from your family in general, just don't get involved in their things, and you will then have justification to insist they leave you to your life.
In terms of friends, not all people have masses of friends, a couple of good ones are always nice, and they will come and go through your life, so don't worry about that.
I do have to say though, that throughout my childhood, and early adulthood I felt injustices keenly, to the point it made me ill. In the end mentally as well as physically. Before this happens to you start to let things go.
Speak with your mother that you won't be giving her any money and that she needs to stand on her own two feet. Finish off the loan and put it down to bad experience.
Be pleasant, turn up to the necessary family celebrations, birthdays and if necessary Christmas and then let them get on with their lives and you with yours.
hth
Thanks for taking the time to reply, this has helped me to get things in perspective and realise that there are faults on both sides and I need to distance myself from the people who are making me unhappy.
I will leave the cat where she is as she has a garden and a cat flap and I live on the second floor of a block of flats and I’m sure she will be fine although I will worry about the poor old thing.
I wanted to be a good daughter and help my parents emotionally and financially and make them happy but I’m too controlling to allow them to make mistakes and resent their interference in my affairs, it works both ways.
I do have a few good friends and a lovely partner but not the sort of mother who would hug me and give me what I need which is some attention (laptop is constantly glued to the lap or she's off somewhere).
I’m trying to work on my own well-being mentally and physically cos there’s no point running myself down over things that other people probably don’t give a second thought to.
Thanks for the support all of you, I have my problems but I’m not the only one and am not as “mad” (sometimes life feels Kafkaesque) as I thought I might be.0 -
I do understand what its like when you are an organised, MSE kind of person and you can see others around you just making a hash of their lives. But you do just have to let them get on with it. Too late for you, but I always draw the line at lending money to friends or family as its not really the solution, and you will just get frustrated more as you feel you have tried to help but they may fritter away your loan rather than using it in the way you would have wanted them too.
But I do think you need to put some distance between yourself and your parents because of what is going on with their relationship, your mum sneaking around behind your dad's back with other men is unhealthy (do you think your dad actually knows and says nothing for a quiet life?). You could give your mum an ultimatum, she comes clean and sorts out her life - whether that be with or without your father, or you won't be seeing her, as you can't see her treated your dad like that.We Made-it-3 on 28/01/11 with birth of our gorgeous DD.0 -
I do understand what its like when you are an organised, MSE kind of person and you can see others around you just making a hash of their lives. But you do just have to let them get on with it. Too late for you, but I always draw the line at lending money to friends or family as its not really the solution, and you will just get frustrated more as you feel you have tried to help but they may fritter away your loan rather than using it in the way you would have wanted them too.
But I do think you need to put some distance between yourself and your parents because of what is going on with their relationship, your mum sneaking around behind your dad's back with other men is unhealthy (do you think your dad actually knows and says nothing for a quiet life?). You could give your mum an ultimatum, she comes clean and sorts out her life - whether that be with or without your father, or you won't be seeing her, as you can't see her treated your dad like that.
I've always been careful with money and love making lists and charts so have tried to help chaotic people in the past, but you are right, helping them is a short-term solution, they learn nothing from it and then I get resentful when I see them do things like smoke or spend on things that I deem to be unnecessary - as my sister has said to me "it must be hard being you!"
If my dad knew for a fact what was going on I think there would ructions as he has a terrible temper so I don't want to get involved with that, the last time he asked me where my mother was going we were at a funeral and I hate lying so I was crying as I said I didn't know but had the excuse of the funeral to explain my tears. I have to avoid him now so that he doesn't ask me again. I'm in my mid 30's and still have a little girl mentality when it comes to my parents!
I'm going to spend the weekend with the Tony Robbins info and see if that can give me some relief!0 -
sometimes i terribly wish i could just "divorce r" rather a lot of people from my family as all they seem to cause is trouble and misery , however as much as you cant stand them sometimes the best option is when neccesary turn up to events houses , hold your tongue and be polite0
-
I really feel for you it is a difficult one. My mum (i say that in the loosest possible term) cut all contact with me after splitting up with my dad and then starting a new relationship, she basically made it perfectly clear that myself and my sister were not part of her new life.
We made the effot with her by going to visit even when i was heavilly pregnant - she never came to visit either of us or never called or anything like that. When i had my little BOY she came to hospital (my dad put a note through the door with details of name, sex, weight and visiting times) she brought my son a pink blanket and as soon as she came in asked if her BF could come in - i said no due to me not knowing him at all and also i had too many visitors around the bed as it was. She didn't speak to me, my family and friends tried to speak to her but they just got grunts back - i offered her 3 times if she wanted to hold the baby NO!!! was her reply everytime.
Then when i had seen her out and about she would look at me for a few seconds then turn and walk the other way. She made up lies to my family and friends that i told her to do one basically or that my dad didn't want me to see her which was all complete lies - my dad in fact facilitated it most of the time.
She turned nasty too - i had problems after i had my son due to have post natal depression i fully admit i was wrong at that time through many of my actions but never did anything other than love my baby. She would call me after she had a few drinks giving me abuse saying my son was better off with me out of his life and all of that sort of thing, that for me was the final straw.
You will have a final straw and it sounds like you have went way past that point, its not easy at first to just say look this is not working i dont want to hear from you again. It still upsets me to think about it but i dont miss her from my life - i think you have been so use to doing things for her for so long that you just feel as if you will be lost without it.
I think you should open up to your partner it helps to laugh about the silly things, cry about the bad times and feel angry for the rest of it - it can be very theraputic, the counselling idea does sound a good one though so good for you thinking of it.
I dont think that your dad sounds like the major problem is there anyway of you keeping a relationship with him? He seems like excuse the phrase but collateral damage to your mum, i dont think i could keep the other relationship a secret from my dad. Perhaps its time to be completely honest with him about everything including the loan she made you get, it is possible that she is manipulating the situation to cover up lies which she has probably had to tell to cover for her strange behaviour.
If you need to vent feel free to pm me i completely understand your situation - you sound like you need a huge squeezy hug!!
xx0 -
Maybe you have turned into someone who likes to control their life/money and situations because of instability with family? So the reaction you are having is your way of keeping yourself tracked and comfortable that you aren't making your parents mistakes?
You seem to carry the burden of other people's problems too much. It is fine to carry the problems of family members who need help, or want to change, but your mother is being unfair in her actions and shows no signs of improvement.
Concentrate on your own life but don't cut all ties as it will probably make you feel worse. You just need to be your own person who 'visits' other people's lives rather than become intertwined to the stage you are tangled up in them. As when you are that close, they are making mistakes that you then feel you need to sort (e.g. finance) but the mistakes are their own making.
I feel for you having a difficult and strained relationship with your mother.
You could probably do with speaking to someone about it, not because you are crazy, but because you seem to be stuck under the weight of other people's mistakes and guilt you don't need to have for not being able to solve the world's problems.0
This discussion has been closed.
Confirm your email address to Create Threads and Reply
Categories
- All Categories
- 354.8K Banking & Borrowing
- 254.5K Reduce Debt & Boost Income
- 455.6K Spending & Discounts
- 247.6K Work, Benefits & Business
- 604.6K Mortgages, Homes & Bills
- 178.6K Life & Family
- 262.2K Travel & Transport
- 1.5M Hobbies & Leisure
- 16.1K Discuss & Feedback
- 37.7K Read-Only Boards