OH and his smoking habit!

Jo_R_2 · 18 February 2008 at 1:18AM

Hi all!

OH is a smoker. We've been together about eight months, and I've always known he smokes.

I don't smoke, and he's always known I don't like it lol! As a child my father was a heavy smoker, and me and my sister often had heated conversations with him about how harmful it was for him, how it made us and the house smell, and how it discoloured the walls (our living room was painted white.) Eventually he decided to give up, and quit overnight, which I really admire him for.

Mum was a social smoker, only ever having a cigarette when she was at a party or when she went out around others who smoked. When dad gave up, she decided to as well.

I find myself increasingly intolerant of him doing it. We went on holiday last September, and when we were talking about it, he said he'd thought about giving up a lot, and was going to when we got back. He didn't, and is still smoking now.

He generally is a social smoker. He smokes when he goes out, when he goes to the pub, and when he has a beer at home. He occasionally smokes during the day, but not often.

I absolutely hate him coming home smelling smoky. He makes an effort to clean up when he gets back from an evening at the pub, he'll brush his teeth a couple of times and have a wash, but I can still smell it on him, and it is a real turn-off. Of course I still find him attractive and desirable, but when he snuggles up at night I cringe because I can taste and smell it and it in no way makes me want to snuggle back!:eek:

I feel unreasonable because I knew he had this habit when I met him, so don't feel justified in complaining about it now (although I have in the past!) I also hate the thought of turning him away because of how he smells but a couple of nights last week he'd smoked quite a bit and I pretended to be asleep because I knew he'd cuddle up and I wouldn't feel enamoured with him because of it! Awful I know.

Is there a happy compromise anywhere? I don't want to nag him as I feel it's counterproductive; but also I'd love it if he gave up. Talking about it today, he said he wants to give up, but not now; I don't want to push him because I know it annoys him, but equally I feel like I'm going towards a point where I'm going to end up saying he can't come near me after a heavy smoking sesh because it makes me feel ill! What shall I do?

Jo_R_2 · 18 February 2008 at 10:55AM

Arrgh I felt awful last night, he obviously made such an effort when he came back to 'desmoke' himself and I know he feels really conscious about it, even more so since DD1 made a comment last week about his hands being 'stinky' when he was pinning a badge on her coat.

Still pondering over it...

G-G_4 · 18 February 2008 at 11:00AM

oh dear.. that's a tough one. I think that even though you were aware of his smoking when you first got together I think you are only being honest about how it makes you feel. I don't think you are being unreasonable, if that's any comfort.

Maybe you need him to realise himself the effect it has on you and the children, maybe only then will he really give it a go to quit.

Good Luck x

noonesperfect · 18 February 2008 at 11:34AM

Oh dear I do sympathise.
When my OH and I got together I had only recently stopped smoking myself and so didn't mind it. As the years have gone on I'm tolerately the smell less well. The smoke as well as the smell. Even outside walking round a shopping centre I can smell cigarette smoke at 50m and my nose wrinkles.
He knows I don't like it and tried to give up but the medication caused a serious health problem so he's gone back to the evil weed again.
Some days the smell seems stronger and it cetainy dirties the walls etc.
I hope you manage to reach better compromise with him, for what it's worth I don't you're being unreasonable either.

belfastgirl23 · 18 February 2008 at 11:37AM

TBH this is something he has to decide for himself and you probably have to accept you have little or no say in the matter

sorry. If he has mentioned it himself before then I think he's already thinking about it though and it's probably a case of trying to reinforce this and support him with it when it comes up again.

I'd hate it too though

celyn90 · 18 February 2008 at 12:23PM

I don't think your being unreasonable in asking him to give you some space if he's been smoking either. You're not forbidding him to smoke and respect his choice to do so, you're just asking that he doesn't expose you to it.

izoomzoom · 18 February 2008 at 12:42PM

As much as I love my DH, I haven't kissed him in years - properly ifkwim and I know that at the back of his mind he wants to stop, but he hasn't got himself sorted out yet.

About 5 years ago, when we moved, and were very poor, he went cold turkey, but after about 6/8 months he came clean with me and told me that he had started smoking again. I don't know how long he was smoke free for but his environment was just too easy for him to pick up the habit again - all his work collegues smoke ...

If there was way for me to to get him to stop, I promise I would be first in the queue.

I also try not to nag - well I don't (I am a woman after all) but I do tell him straight that the cig smoke smells and my latest trick is to give him cash money next month - so that perhaps he can see for himself that he is burning up money. With me being on SMP that extra £80 a month would do wonders.

Jo_R_2 · 18 February 2008 at 12:51PM

I really thought after I posted, gawd I'm being totally unreasonable, but maybe I'm not. When we got together it was quite a bone of contention, then I realised nagging would not get me anywhere (lol!:D) so I adopted the 'turn a blind eye' approach.

I find it incredibly hard because smoking is something I feel really REALLY strongly about, but as belfastgirl has stated, it's not really my choice to make over whether he stops, and I am sure that the more I were to discuss it, the more he would feel pressured and would back away from it.

He is not really happy at his job at the mo and I have noticed he seems to be smoking more. For example, when he used to come round he would never smoke, but now he habitually goes outside however many times during the course of the evening. He also says that he feels a beer and a smoke go together, like if he's had a long day at work, he likes to relax by having a beer, and a smoke just goes with it, and I don't understand because I've never smoked...:rolleyes:

I have however said that I will not live with him as long as he is smoking... I said it in a bit of a mood the other day but realised I really don't want to live with him whilst he is. In retrospect I'm not so sure if that was a good thing to say but I've said it now!

Snuggles · 18 February 2008 at 1:01PM

Hi Jo,

This is a really tricky one. I feel the same as you about smoking, I absolutely loathe it and can't bear being near anyone who is or has been smoking. I lived with my Dad for a long time, who is a smoker, and it was one of the prime reasons I moved out, I just couldn't tolerate it at all.

The thing is though, knowing I can't bear it, I would never choose to get into a relationship with a smoker. If Brad Pitt turned up at my front door with a cigarrette in his mouth, I wouldn't hesitate to turn him away

Whilst I sympathise greatly, if you have chosen to get involved with someone who smokes, I don't think you're in a position to expect him to give up. If it's really not something you can live with, then move on. It might sound drastic, but I think that hoping someone will change is a road to disappointment.

Voyager2002 · 18 February 2008 at 1:10PM

You have learned something about yourself: you cannot stand being in an intimate relationship with a smoker. Make sure he understands this. If he decides to give up, it will be very hard for him and he will deserve all the support that you can possibly give him. Otherwise, it means that he cares more about cigarettes than about you, in which case it will be time to leave him.

Jo_R_2 · 18 February 2008 at 1:28PM

Ah yes... I have thought about what might happen should he turn round and say, sorry, I can't/won't give up smoking.

In all honesty? Should it get to the point where we can move in together and he is still smoking and does not want to give up, well I have to make a choice. I can either say, no, this isn't for me, or get on with it - put up and shut up I guess!

I am not one to go on and on about it. Yep, I'll have a discussion about it and make my feelings known should it come up but I have learned from previous experience that continually going on and on about something to your partner, whatever it may be, is not the way to resolve situations

He has expressed interest in giving up. He has said that he wants to at some point, has talked a few times about hypnotherapy knowing a friend-of-a-friend who had this to give up smoking with instant results. I was a bit sceptical but said it was an option if he wanted it to be, trying to support him. He has also spoken about those nicotine patches which I was positive about. I try to speak positively about giving up, to encourage him gently when he speaks about it.

OH and his smoking habit!

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